Last uploaded: Wednesday, December 10, 1997.
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Sure you do. You've got that idea for a script that'll blow the roof off of the studio that you think should develop it, right? But you need a break -- something that'll buy you some attention. Like kidnapping Faye Dunaway's dog. Sure -- that'll do. Shot entirely last October in Los Angeles, and threatening you give you a good smack of reality into your noggin is Starf*cker, the story of a young screenwriter living in L.A. with his script but with no means to market it. One day George meets up with Kyle Quinn, our Scott Baio of this strange fictional landscape, and who also has dreams to re-claim his lost stardom and fame...even it that means kidnapping Faye Dunaway's doggie. We've launched a page for this independent that'll provide you with more information on who's in it and what it's about, so check it out. Just make sure you understand this if you get caught: we never suggested to you to go swap some star's pet with your treatment of Free Willy 4: This Time It's Personal, ok?
"It's alive! Alive!!" Bill Condon's Gods and Monsters is another film you should be keeping a closer eye on. Adapting the book Father of Frankenstein by Christopher Bram, this is sounding more and more like a very cool event for those who dig the ol' Frankenstein film directed by James Whale. We've just received word that Gods and Monsters (which tells the story of how the original Frankenstein was created by Whale, played by none other than Ian McKellan) will premiere at Sundance next year. Someone out there must have taken in a screening of the picture by now...and if that's you, send us your thoughts on it! "Stardust" suits "Star Trek 9" plans just fine. A little more is now known about the plot of the new Trek picture Paramount is crafting. The good news is that screenwriter Rick Berman confirmed that the whole crew of the Enterprise will return again for their third big-screen outing in Star Trek 9.
From the creator of Wallace and Gromit comes "Chicken Run"... Fans of the cheese-loving duo will be happy to hear that in late 1998 we'll get to see another Nick Park masterpiece...except this time our heroes are poultry on the run. (Images of The Great Escape leap to mind...kinda.) Click on Chicken Run to learn all about it.
New SF project -- "The Sons of El Topo" Famed Mexican director Alejandro Jodorowsky is one of those directors who vanishes into the mist and then re-appears every few years. Kind of like a mixture of Robert Rodriguez and Stanley Kubrick, he made news for himself earlier this year by annoucing the development of Metabarons at Universal Pictures, sort of like a Battletech film set in the year 20,000 that's in development. But 'The Gline' alerted us to a possible sequel that Jodorowsky and producer Alfonso Arau have on the path... "When Jodorowsky came out with EL TOPO in 1971, it blew the minds of midnight movie audiences worldwide. He's made very few films since -- THE HOLY MOUNTAIN and SANTA SANGRE are the two outstanding others -- but every time he's gotten his goods together, he's produced a movie which is literally like nothing else ever made. A new Jodorowsky movie is to the underground what a new Kubrick movie is to, well, everyone else: a piece of mad imagination from a reclusive genius. "The original EL TOPO was like a Western on psilocybin, about a gun- slinger who eventually uses self-abnegation as the way to personal redemption and enlightenment. It's available on bootleg video and import laserdisc, and is worth seeing at least once. "The plot: After the nuclear apocalypse, the planet is a desert ruin, except for a small island paradise where the original El Topo lies buried. All who have attempted to go there have died horribly. El Topo's sons, Cain and Abel (who appeared in the first film), were separated at birth since it was believed that Cain would kill Abel (of course). "Then evil marauders steal their mother's body in an attempt to trick their way onto the island, and the brothers must join forces to deliver their dead mother onto the island with their father. "Wild, eh? [Apparently Jodorowsky DOES have e-mail access, but his address is not being given out for obvious reasons.] "See this link for more: http://www.hotweird.com/jodorowsky/ "And here's a flyer: http://www.hotweird.com/jodorowsky/sons.gif "Tagline: 'Cain and Abel will go to heaven... if they can make it through hell!' "
'Cold Around the Heart'? You betcha! Oh boy. There are times in your life that you experience something that deeply wounds you; something that causes you to perhaps stop and reflect upon your existence in this cold, cruel universe and ask the question aloud: "Why was I robbed of two hours of my life!?" Such is the agony of 'Diane', our merry CA reader after witnessing Cold Around the Heart, David "I left NYPD Blue to star in Jade, that's right -- no, really, I'm not kidding around with you" Caruso. 'Diane' has nice things to say about Caruso (sort of) and another cast member, but as for the rest of the picture...whoa. Those photographs of nuclear blast tests you've seen? This one kinda falls into that category. To give the picture the benefit of the doubt, some background: it was filmed last year and then bounced around for a while, never seeming to be released; and then it debuted in only one theater in NYC that we know of...well, alright. It's a dog. "I recently endured the pain of watching John Ridley's unreleased road movie Cold Around the Heart starring David Caruso. I wrote a review, so that others won't have to go through my experienceà Ok, the flick opens with low-rent Bonnie and Clyde couple Ned (David Caruso) and Jude (Kelly Lynch) on the run from cops down a lonely desert highway (cliche #1). They're freaking out because they realize they're either going to get nailed or die, neither of which sound too appealing. But, just as they're about to give each other a final kiss good-bye, Ned falls (or is he pushed?) out of the moving car, slamming painfully onto the asphalt at 65 mph. Jude slams on the breaks and watches Ned as he struggles to remain conscious and get back to the vehicle. Ned gets closer...closer...he might even make it...but then Jude punches the gas, tearing off into the sunset and leaving him to take the fall. The next thing we know, he's lying in a hospital being interviewed by his lawyer (Richard Kind) about the events leading to his arrest. We soon learn that Ned and Jude were involved in botched robbery at a jewelry store, where one of them went nuts and started shooting the employees (Boy, that's original). The lawyer, in a flattering and realistic portrayal of the profession, comes right out and tells Ned that it doesn't really matter what happened because he's going to get the death penalty, and the only reason he took the case to begin with was for the notoriety. "Anyway, Caruso decides that since he's going to die anyway, he might as well kill Jude first, so he escapes in a ridiculously easily fashion and takes off in a classic 60's era convertible (cliche #2) in search of her. He also picks up beautiful hitchhiker, Bec, (Stacey Dash from Clueless), who (cliche #3) turns out to be a abused runaway. "Along the way, the two travelling companions end up hiding out with a guy named Uncle Mike (John Spencer) who turns out to be Ned and Jude's former partner and quite a sicko. While they're there, Jude calls up and begs Ned for forgiveness. She didn't want to leave him behind, but she didn't see what good it would do if they both went to jail. Ned tells her she's going to die. Lack of communication skills is what kills most relationships. He and Bec soon take off to honor his promise. "Meanwhile, Jude is having problems of her own: she gets a gun pulled on her when she tries to sell the diamonds she escaped with in the heist, leaving her with no cash. And since her ex-boyfriend is on her way to kill her and she needs to get away, that's not a good thing. "Enter 'T' (Chris Noth): a really big, really dumb guy with a gullible personality. Jude sees him as a chance to get rid of her problems, so she sleeps with him and convinces him to ice Ned for her. "The rest of the film is filled with all sorts of twists and turns; betrayals and schemes. Some of which are cool, most of which are not. "John Ridley is a remarkably untalented writer/director. He has no sense of visual style, pacing, or how to stage an action sequence. His script is god-awful. Borrowing heavily from Tarantino flicks, his own U-Turn, as well as countless other road movies. As for the cast: David Caruso (who, regardless of bad press, I still consider to be a genius) turns in a bland performance as Ned. He can play a cop. He can play a lawyer. But he sure as hell can't play a baddass. "Kelly Lynch is ok as Jude. She's pretty good at portraying a gal who realizes that she's about to hit the wall in terms of beauty and sex-appeal. Taking away the only advantage she has in life. "Stacey Dash...wow. She's really bad. Absolutely no personality or emotion. I have nothing positive to say about her. Sorry. "The big surprise here is Chris Noth, a guy I barely remember from 'Law & Order' who turns in the best performance in the film. His 'T' is really funny as hell. He's kind of like Michael Madsen meets Homer Simpson. It's too bad this film will pretty much go unnoticed, because this could have opened some doors for the guy." Ouch. Man, you gotta feel some sympathy for Caruso...
Patrick Sauriol
"It's a message from space. You're not gonna like it: just three words: 'Mars. Needs. Coasters.'" [Taken from the forgotten 1953 sci-fi bomb Mars Needs Coasters, whose producers made the disasterous mistake of trying to tie together 'flying saucer' with 'cup and saucer'.]
Previous Issues of Director's Cut:
December 15, 1998
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