Last uploaded: October 8, 1998

The Good, The Bad, and the Downright Silly

Hey everybody!  Welcome back to the starship Corona, boldly going where no other website has gone before--straight into the blackened, rotting heart of cinematic cynicism.  I currently have the controls, that's right, me, First Mate Widgett.  And I'm gonna set 'em right for the heart of the sun.  Captain Patrick is currently vacationing with his new wife, taking in the sights of lovely Latveria, so we wish them both the best.  Thanks to all of you who wrote in, concerned about last episode and our bout with some bad Chinese food.  We're glad to say that after a bunch of caffeine, Pepto Bismol, and psychotherapy, we're all pretty much back to whatever semblance of normalcy we showed up with.  We're going to be all over the map today, so strap yourselves in.  Hold on to all loose small furry animals and let's party.

That's right: this project is otherwise known as THE FILM THAT WOULD NOT DIE.  And I know you're saying to yourself, "But Widge, what's wrong with a new Superman movie?"  And if you're not saying that to yourself, then get with the program and pick up your cues, would ya?

"Widge, is it Nick Cage?"  No, it's not Nick.  Cage is not my number one choice for Superman, that's no secret.  As you may have seen, Billy Zane is at the top of my list.  But recall Interview With the Vampire--everyone was completely agog and aghast about Tom Cruise playing Lestat.  But even Anne herself had to admit that the film wasn't half bad and that Cruise was good in the role.  I may wince and I may complain, but I will always hold judgment until I see the finished product.  Well, maybe not always, but close enough.  At least in this case.  Whatever.  I will admit that it unnerves me, all Nick's talk about the "freak outsider" that is Superman and rumors that he wanted to mess with the costume or do something equally silly.  Scary, but I'll try to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Try, I said.

"Widge, was it Tim Burton?"  No, not even wacky Tim "Killer Rocket-Powered Penguins" Burton made me afraid.  See the above paragraph for why.  Same things apply.

"Widge, was it the fact they threw away Kevin Smith's script, which supposedly rocked balls?"  Hey, I haven't read the script, but yeah, I'm disappointed that they tossed Kevin's work out the window.  I'd actually like to see a copy of the script (HINT) so I can form my own opinion before I inflict said opinion on you, the masses of Coronites who I know are just falling all over yourselves to know what I think of it.  Sure.

I tell you this: no no no and no.  None of these things, I say.  It's the fact that, well, everything I've heard about the script ideas they were kicking around made me sick to my stomach.  Granted, some of them were rumors, no doubt, but in this day and age where someone actually seriously considered making Titanic 2, Casablanca 2, or even The Ice Storm, no rumor sounds too insane.  Luthor + Brainiac = Luthiac?  Even if Kevin Spacey's on board, my eyelashes would still hurt.  The fact they were having two (three with Doomsday) villains (hasn't WB learned from the Bat-Fiascos?) to begin with?  Let's just do what they did with that bothersome Dick Tracy movie: have every single last Superman villain in the film and just slaughter them one after the other.  That way, we'll get it all over with in the first film.  It's mad, I tell you--mad.

Here's my hope.  And I know, WB, that I give you guys hell a lot, but what can I say?  Everytime I think I should let up on you, you release something like The Avengers and I know I'm completely justified.  But my hope is that Dan Gilroy's new script kicks unbelievable ass (if I had a copy I could tell you for certain HINT).  I hope you will get a similarly ass-kicking director.  I hope that Cage is the best Superman I've ever seen.  And I hope the movie blows me away.  That's my hope.

But since I'm a realist with pessimistic tendencies, I wish WB'd leave well enough alone and let the project die.  Check with me in a couple of years and I'll rail on about my disappointment with this film.  Prove me wrong, WB.  I dare you.

There's word that they're kicking around the corpse that is the Batman franchise again.  For God's sake, WB, haven't you desecrated it enough?  Let it rest in peace for ten years or so before you mess with it again.  Have you no respect for the deceased?

Here's some interesting news.  Cinescape Online mentioned that there may be some movement on a project that I actually want to see happen.  That's right.  We're talking Stranger in a Strange Land here.  It's a Robert A. Heinlein classic, and if you haven't read it I want you to bang your head against something metal and lumpy and then go fix that hole in your literary intake.

Tom Hanks has been mentioned before as Valentine Michael Smith, the protagonist of the novel.  If there's anyone who can play both the physical and mental chameleon that is Michael, it's Tom Hanks.  The more I see his work, the more I'm convinced that he is one of the best, if not the best, actors of his generation.

Sean Connery is mentioned in Cinescape's article, but they don't say who he would play.  But it's obvious who he would play--Jubal Harshaw, since Sean's the man that I wanted to play Jubal from the get go.  Now, I have an amigo who's made me think that Tommy Lee Jones would make a great Jubal also, but hey, I just want to see the thing made.  Either one of them would be perfect for the role.  I've reviewed the script and it's better than most of the sci-fi adaptation fare than we've seen recently.  It's been lounging in Development Hell long enough, do you hear me?  I WANT this to be made!  (Like I could will anything into existence.  My psychic powers faded considerably after the Jell-O Incident, otherwise I would have wished Schumacher into the cornfield after Batman 3)

On the off-chance that this sucker's actually rolling ahead, here's some advice to you, Paramount, and to you, Dan Waters, if you're still the scribe for this:

Don't make this an event movie.
Don't make Michael drive a Hummer and fire machine guns.
Don't shy away from the religious/social/political implications of the storyline.
Don't be worried that the vast unwashed masses won't grok it.  They're the ones who need instructions on boxes of toothpicks, eh?
Do stay true to the novel.
Do just make a good movie.  Like we used to see from time to time, remember?
Do it for the children.  If not for yourself.

Well, I've exhausted myself with these ramblings once more.  Time to climb back in the coffin and try to get some beauty sleep.  Until next time, this is Widgett von Trapp writing you from high above Earth in the Corona Satellite Monitor Station saying that the only bad thing about the really cool movie Antz is that I can't get the rubber tree plant song out of my head.  Now get on with your lives.

Widgett
Crusader for Whale Suffrage
Coming Attractions

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Patrick Sauriol
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