Last uploaded: September 29, 1998

Comic Book Script Reviews

Hi everybody!  Welcome back to the column that defined a generation.  The Director's Cut.  I'm your host, Widgemeister Smith, sitting in for the honeymooning Patrick.  No doubt he and his bride are having a great time backpacking across the Australian outback.  We wish them the best.  And don't forget to pick me up a didjeridu, eh Pat?  Well, anyway.  We're still having fun in his absence.  He won't discover that fish we placed under his desk for weeks.  But I digress.  We're not here to talk about cruelty to our fellow man, we're here to talk about the prospects of upcoming comic book movies.  Now I know what you're thinking: 'Widge, what could possibly be the difference between the two subjects?"  And I say, hey--hold it right there, boyo.  Things aren't as dark as all that.  Batman 5 is in Arkham, Superman Lives is in the Phantom Zone--both where they belong, what more could you ask for?  Ah, a positive outlook.  Well...

The recent success of Blade showed us that it is possible to actually have a kick-ass comic book adaptation.  Now, is that only because the character Blade is one that no one really associates with comics?  Despite his various appearances in recent years, most of the movie-going audience didn't know the character Blade from Metamorpho.  Considering Mort, the Dead Teenager was reported to be a strong contender for the next Marvel movie out of the starting gate, that may very well be so.  Not even Marvel Comics recognized Mort as a Marvel Comics property.

May that as it be, here we are with two reviews of up and coming (Read: slow-moving, not even in pre-production, crawling up hill in agony with broken ankles) projects that are sure to get people in the theaters--if they can ever manage to get in theaters themselves.

Well, I would, that's for damn sure.  So would pretty much everyone else who read the incredible 12-issue series from DC now reprinted in graphic novel form.  If you have not partaken of this kick-ass ground-breaking series, please do so.  Now.  No, I mean it.  You'll thank me later, once I'm done pummeling you for being behind the times.  Watchmen is the story of a real world with superheroes.  How the government would interact with them.  How people would see them.  How ludicrous they would look in their outfits, especially after putting on a few pounds.  In fact, the government has outlawed all costume-wearing heroes (and not because of cellulite, either).  All heroes, of course, except the ones under their control.  But it seems that someone or something is targeting the heroes, both active and inactive, and they must all face returning to duty to find who's trying to take them out, one by one.

The book's not just filled with intrigue and a great story, but it has some of the best characters ever to grace a comic book's pages.  You have Dr. Manhattan, the god-like being who single-handedly changed the face of world policy and cemented America as THE world power.  You have Nite Owl, the reluctant crusader who secretly misses his days adventuring.  And you have my personal favorite hero ever, the sick and twisted Rorschach, who's kind of like Batman on crack.

Sounds cool?  Can't wait to see it?  For now, stick to the book.  Myself, I was happy until I read the script.  Here's my report:

God, I'm pissed.  Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.  I'm scowling right now at a first draft of the screenplay by Sam Hamm, dated 9 September 1988.  That should give you some more of a clue as to how long this sucker's been in development hell.  Anyway, here's what was good and don't get me wrong, because there's quite a bit of it: I really liked some of the subtle touches that Hamm provides.  The Vietnam memorial is now a statue of Dr. Manhattan carrying a G.I. and a list of 400 names.  Nixon came out of retirement to be President again and G. Gordon Liddy is now Secretary of State.  I was able to handle some of the changes he made as well, such as there being only one character named the Silk Spectre.  Also, the heroes are known as The Watchmen, when that name was never applied to them in the comic.  In fact, other than small alterations like that, the screenplay is the comic essentially, which is why I got so excited reading through it, thinking to myself 'Damn, Sam, this is just dead on!'  I felt that through the first 105 pages and then...the cry went out across my apartment, 'LAME! LAME! LAME!'  Over and over I screamed it thus, like some hellish mantra.  The incredibly taut ending of the book and the unforgettable delivery of that bit, 'What do you mean you'll stop me?' (or the like) is gone.  Instead you're left with some bizarre time travel/alteration bit which isn't half as interesting as Moore's original climax.  I was quite let down.

The only thing I took away from this reading is that Watchmen could translate so well and (it seemed) so easily to the big screen that I'm torn between being ecstatic that it could happen or wondering whether or not it should happen at all.  That and I'm reminded how Rorschach is one of the coolest characters ever.

Well, I probably shouldn't worry too much.  Terry Gilliam (who was slated to direct) and Alan Moore (the Man himself) have both shook their heads and walked away from the prospect of it happening.  They're uncertain how it could ever been done and done well.  I say let me rewrite the Hamm screenplay and I'll show you.  But that's just me being my arrogant self.  And now.  Part Two:

Yeah, that's right.  You heard me.  No obvious toy tie-in ploy, but hey--give it time, there's no movement yet on this bad boy.  We're talking Spider-Man here, people.  And I won't even begin to even concoct a synopsis of the Development Hell this baby's seen.  No way.  You'll have to go look it up yourself if you've been living under a copy of The Collected Works of Dickens and therefore a tad out of touch.

For those not-in-the-know, Spider-Man is the story of Peter Parker, who's kind of like Dexter from the Cartoon Network, but taller and with a lot of therapy under his belt.  He gets picked on, scoffed at, and generally abused because, well, he's kind of like Dexter.  Then one day, he gets bitten by a radioactive spider and gains the proportional speed and strength of a spider.  He also gets a nifty little precognitive "Spider-Sense" that lets him know when trouble is afoot.  He fashions some web-shooters for his wrists, then goes out to fight crime...eventually.  He has a couple of those pesky little "life lessons" to learn along the way.  That's the dime version, anyway.

If this thing will ever disentangle itself from the legal web it's fallen into, we can probably expect a pretty good film.  I managed to exchange a few Venusian interrogation secrets for a copy of Jim Cameron's scriptment of the project and then perused it.  Now, for those not in the know, this "scriptment" is essentially an outline of the film, with some dialogue and scenes fleshed out.  Somewhere between a treatment and a script, natch.  There is no date or anything telling on the cover.  Here is my report:

Basically, this movie is about the origin of Spider-Man and how he comes to grips with his catch phrase, 'With great power comes great responsibility.'  For
the most part, it's what you remember from the comics.  And I've got to admit, when I read a synopsis of the scriptment on another site, I was at first taken aback.  Call me a purist, I don't know.  The idea that someone had taken essentially The Kingpin, given him the powers of Electro and then named him Carlton Strand--I didn't like it.  The idea that instead of wearing web-shooters, they kind of were part of Peter's wrists--I didn't like it.  But now that I've read the thing firsthand, I can say I was pleased to find that all of it actually works in the context of the project.  And it's not bad at all!  Not only do you have Strand's electrical powers used in very interesting ways, but you've got Spidey's foe The Sandman to contend with, just begging for some kick-ass CGI.  However, there's only one thing that bugs me now (no pun intended).  In this script, Peter's got the eye for Mary Jane Watson, but she doesn't want anything to do with him. However, she's got the hots for Spider-Man.  Peter, as Spider-Man, takes her to the top of the Brooklyn Bridge and they do That One Thing up there.  It's not that I'm getting too conservative in my old age, it just doesn't work for those characters.  Even if Mary Jane is the looker she's supposed to be, Peter was supposedly brought up to be better than that.  I was almost hoping for Mary Jane to be a background character and Gwen Stacy be the romantic focus, but hey, whatever works.

Still, if you (hopefully) remove that from the whole, it should work and work well, especially under Cameron's direction.

You hear that, Jim?  I trust you to do the right thing, buddy.  Now let's just get the thing out of litigation and underway, huh?

P.S.  Remember the Director's Cut I wrote a couple of weeks ago, expressing my uncertainty about the Orgazmo script?  Don't worry--I saw a bit of it at DragonCon: it translated to the screen beautifully and was damn hilarious.  I'm sure as heck gonna check it out when it hits theaters.

Widgett
The Nicest Misanthrope You'll Ever Meet
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