NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/130

Internet Message Format | 1993-01-26 | 16.9 KB

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Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #524
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Date: 25 Jan 93 19:10:58 GMT
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Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:14 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #524

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to [e-mail] with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to [e-mail] (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    524
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

519  40 votes  2bfa2 35i86 39ea4 2455o 3aec1 4hc61 2a99a 18dc6 399e5 2969e
519  3.2 mean   3.0   3.2   3.1   4.1   3.0   2.6   3.4   3.4   3.2   3.6

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Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:23 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #524-01

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise of all, wiser still than all the gurus combined,
> please answer me this simple question:
>
> Throughout the Presidential Campaign, I have often seen a certain song
> being sung by Democrats and Republicans alike.  However, I could never
> succeed in understanding anything but the first line, as from the
> second line onward, the crowd joined in, creating a pandemonium that
> made all words incomprehensible.  The line I did get to hear was : "Oh,
> say can you C", which attracted me right from the start, as I am a big
> fan of the programming language.
> My question to you, oh Oracle, is:
> What is the name of this song?  And can you give me the lyrics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are correct--it is a favorite song among politicians and
} programmers alike.  The correct title is "The Star-Dereferenced
} Pointer", and the lyrics are as follows:
}
} O say can you C, how to use your info?
} Use a pointer, my friend, it's what those in the know do.
} Indirect addressing--it's the right way to go.
} Though it seems quite complex, you'll increase program flow through.
} If you're losing your place, you can turn on some trace,
} or for lots of data, you can malloc some space.
} But watch out, cause you'll really have your hands full.
} If that pointer you use is still pointing at NULL.
}
} You owe the Oracle an anthem whose tune is *not* that of an old English
} drinking song.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:24 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #524-02

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
> who is clad in silk and does not need buttons:
> Tell me, why there are buttons in both ways:
>
>       (:)
>
> and
>
>       (::)
>
> but not like
>
>       (.)
>
> ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do not know of the one-holed button, mortal?  You, then it can be
} inferred, have not been to Unitrea, the country where most things we
} consider to be pairs or multiples come alone.
}
} Unitrea borders but one neighboring country (Ethiopia) and has one
} lake, one river, one mountain peak (Point Uno), and is one elevation
} everywhere else. Their town, Solitaria, has one ruler who is both mayor
} and king, lawmaker and judge.  He is a one-armed cyclops who wears one
} article of clothing, a regal robe woven from only one thread.
}
} The land is lucky for it has but one law code and thus only one lawyer
} and one prisoner who resides in solitary confinement in Unitrea's only
} prison. He committed one crime, never to commit another, for which he
} will serve one year.
}
} The town has one library with one book, written on one page, comprising
} of one word.  It was the only edition and has one translation.  The
} word is monosyllabic as is every other word in this kingdom's language.
} The language has one dialect.
}
} This bespeaks of their single culture and single history.  They have
} one monotheistic religion.  They pray alone in the town's one church.
} Their is but one known melody to their only hymn.
}
} There is one school with one teacher and one pupil.  Mr. Primus teaches
} one subject one hour for one day each week.  The student does
} wonderfully.
}
} During the day citizens eat one meal a day with a single utensil and a
} single plate kept in a single cabinet located in the center of town.
} Their is one dish served one way by a single chef.
}
} Everyone in Unitrea is single except for one married couple.  They went
} on one date, shared one kiss, were together once, whence they begot one
} child.  This was each spouse's one relationship.
}
} The child plays solitaire with a deck of cards containing only an ace.
} She knows only one game.  She played it once and won.  She has one
} hair, albeit a long one that covers her entire body; thus did her
} mother weave her a unitard using a single needle and single stitch.
} This body-suit has one button of the sort you describe.
}
} The town's computer has one platform with one command, 1K of memory,
} one application (for administrative purposes only), and one key on the
} keyboard and one pixel on the screen.  It has been used, unsurprisingly
} enough, but once.
}
} The Oracle's only fee is one dollar.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #524-03

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh you allmighty, omnipresent Oracle,
>
> please tell me, what is Dan Quayle doing these days ?
>
> George B.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, Mr Bush, welcome to the Baroness Thatcher Rest Home
} for Distressed Gentlefolk and Ex-World Leaders.  You'll be in
} room 3C, next to that nice Mr. Gorbachev.
}
} What's that?  Mr Quayle?  Now don't you worry about him, let's
} sort you out first.  No, put down that bottle.  Put it down.
} PUT IT DOWN!  There.  See?  You don't really need it after all.
}
} Yes, I know there's a lot of noise coming from next door.  Just
} a minute.  Mr Smith!  Mr Botha!  How many times must I tell you
} that we're really all the same?  Sheesh ... There.  I'm sure
} they'll let the irons cool down.  Now settle yourself down here,
} Mr Bush.  We've got some nice sushi for your tea today.  Oops!
} Terribly sorry, Mr Hirohito.  Mr Bush won't do that again,
} will you, Mr Bush?
}
} Oh look, there's somebody come to see you, Mr Bush.  Someone ...
} Mr Bush!  Wake up!  Turn your hearing aid on ... you've got
} a visitor, Mr Bush.  If you'd just like to sign the book
} here, Mr ... Quayl.  Nice to see you.  Mr Bush, Mr Quayl's here
} to see you.  I must say, Mr Quayl, those big round black ears
} do suit you.  Where are you working now?  Really?  So what
} happened to the old Mickey?  Tom got him?  Oh, that's a shame.
}
} Now then Mr Bush, time for your nap.  Oh dear, there goes another
} set of sheets.  You really must tell us, Mr Bush, then we can
} get the pan for you.
}
} Sleep well, Mr Bush.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:28 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #524-04

Selected-By: [e-mail] (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I seem to have run out of questions.  What should I ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Why do I bother?"

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #524-05

Selected-By: [e-mail] (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Of course, time travels not possible! Why will you ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Of course time travel is possible! If it were not, we would all be
} trapped in the same moment of time and never get to the future.
}
}  Of course time travel is possible! If it were not, we would all be
} trapped in the same moment of time and never get to the future.
}
}  Of course time travel is possible! If it were not, we would all be
} trapped in the same moment of time and never get to the future.
}
}  Of course time travel is possible! If it were not, we would all be
} trapped in the same moment of time and never get to the future.
}
} You owe the Oracle a strip of paper with a half-twist in it.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:31 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #524-06

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most frigid, answer me this:
>
> If the temperature is 0 degrees Kelvin, and there's
> a 30 mile-per-hour wind blowing, then what is the
> wind chill factor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most FRIGID? I hardly consider that GROVELING!!! However, I am charmed
} by your naiveity, and will thus answer your question anyway...
}
} As you know, the wind chill factor was discovered accidentally by
} Doctors Robert Chill and Emma Wind.  The two were standing in 30 degree
} weather in a 40mph gust, and Dr. Chill asked "Do you think we'd be less
} cold if the wind wasn't blowing so hard", to which the insightful Dr.
} Wind replied, "Shut up, you idiot."
}
} Through the years, the two doctors stood outside in a variety of winds
} and tempratures, and came up with the "wind chill factor chart", which
} is now found in all of your finer gas stations, and which is also used
} by all those sophisticated meteorologists on the local news-- they
} figure if they can tell you more about the weather RIGHT NOW (
} Anchorperson: Well, Bill, what are the conditions like outside right
}               now?
} Fun Weatherperson Bill:  As anyone could see by looking out the
}                          windows, its sunny and warm... [pauses
}                          for a moment]... oops, that was the cue
}                          card for this AFTERNOON's newscast..
}                          Right now, its cold and dark.. I think..
}                          This is the 11 'o' clock edition, right?
} Obligatory Female Co-anchor: Ha-ha (enigmatic laugh). Say, Bill, do you
}                              have any boring statistics that our viewers
}                              don't need or want, since many of them
}                              won't even be going anywhere until tommorow
}                              morning?
} Fun Weatherperson Bill: Sure! The relative humidity is 32.61%, the wind
}                         is blowing at 25.01 miles per hour from the
}                         south, the temprature is 36 degrees and the wind
}                         chill factor is a brisk [enigmatic smile] 25
}                         below zero... So, bundle up [stupid chuckle]
} Anchorperson: Ha-ha... Now, how about tommorow's forecast?
} Fun Weatherperson Bill: Ummmm.... beats me.
} )-- if they give you this much info about the weather RIGHT NOW, they
} certainly shouldn't be required to predict it!
}
} Now, you may wonder how Drs. Chill and Wind compiled this chart.  It
} was done through an extremely scientific process, which has been
} followed by scientists through the years....
}
} Dr. Chill: OK, what is the temprature and wind now?
} Dr. Wind:  Its 40 degrees and the wind is at 25 miles per hour.
} Dr. Chill: BRRRRRR! OK, I say it feels like about 25 degrees.
} Dr. Wind:  You already said that for 40 degrees and 20 miles per hour.
} Dr. Chill: OK, OK.. make it 20 degrees.
} Dr. Wind (writing it down): OK.. let's do 30 miles per hour...
}
} You may be wondering what all this has to do with your question...
} (come to think of it, so am I... oh, yeah)-- Like the famour Drs., you,
} too, must conduct this as an experiment....
}
} First of all, find a nice 0 Kelvin environment with a brisk wind...
} Then, report back to the Oracle for further instructions.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #524-07

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Wizard Oracle, whose knowledge of MUDs is unsurpassed.
>
> I'm stuck in the lower passage of the Dwarven ruins but have not yet
> found the Dwarf King's rune-axe. I have found the glowing gem and the
> Prat-on-a-stick. Do I talk to Frogbreath before or after I cast a
> Summon Big Green Blobby Thing in the Inner Chamber? Also what is the
> solution to Second Deputy Under-Chancellor's third riddle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wizard!? Wizard, The Oracle is not impressed by such lowly rating of
} his skills as he is indeed of a far more impressive and beyond Godlike
} level on all MUDS which are worth the devotion of the tiny amount of
} his massive intellect.
}
} However, The Oracle is feeling generous today and will let your
} insignificant mortal life continue.. for the time being at any rate.
}
} The Dwarven ruins that you speak of are in fact nothing more than part
} of a gigantic Alien theme park which you will discover at the end of
} the next quest (am I spoiling things?).. The Dwarf king's rune axe is
} in fact nothing more than a legend and so does not really exist so I
} would suggest tying a bit of stone onto a stick and writing all over
} it, the Guardians of the slavering pit are too stupid to notice anyway.
}
} You talk to Frogbreath only AFTER casting a Summon Big Green Blobby
} Thing as a demonstration of your magical prowess but BEFORE casting
} Frog To Water since this renders Frogbreath incapable of speech.
}
} The Solution to the Second Deputy Under-Chancellor's third riddle is
} 'Sponge'
}
} ps: Stick the glowing gem up the nose of the Prat-on-a-stick, it doesnt
}     help but it doesnt half break the ice at parties.
}
} You owe the oracle a maze of twisty tiny passages all alike, bar one
} which should be suitably equipt with sauna and full bar.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:34 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #524-08

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, clever immortal
> Please share with me a thought. I'll
> be happy to learn
> (when it's my turn):
> Is your IQ in the top quartile?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, all blush and blunder --
} What level does my IQ fall under?
} Though I don't like to boast,
} It's higher than most --
} It puts Mensa in awed fits of wonder.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:37 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #524-09

Selected-By: Steve Miller <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> "Oh most wise and crusty Oracle,
> Please tell me...."
>
> I was just beginning to get interested in classical music when I
> had an unfortunate experience in a record store.
> I was trying to get a Handel on a new CD when I slipped and
> hurt my Bach. I dropped the CD and it Baroque on the floor.
> I probably should have Teleman behind the counter but I put it
> Bach on the shelf. I ran out of the store, fired up my Vivaldi,
> and drove away. What should I have done? I fell guilty.....
>
> --
> "A Flute With No Holes...Is Not A Flute."
> "A Doughnut With No Holes...Is A Danish"
>
>                             Basho

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm, here we have all the trite and true musical puns wrapped up
} in a half-hearted story.
}
} As the puns fell so thick and close, I felt I was at the Boheme-ing
} of Bagdad. Ai'da been happier if you had made up some new ones.
}
} Nothing original there; I'll give you 50% for wit.
}
} --
} "As someone once remarked to Schubert,
} 'Take me to your lieder!'"
}                  Lehrer

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 00:10:38 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #524-10

Selected-By: Steve Miller <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great one, are you free for lunch next week? Tuesday, maybe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I am.  For your answer, you now owe the oracle lunch.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #524
***************************************