NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/129

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Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #523
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Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 00:10:40 -0500
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Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:13 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #523

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to [e-mail] with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to [e-mail] (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    523
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

518  45 votes  6cd86 hj441 3afe3 15ge9 59n35 2ik50 23age 27eac 3cgc2 47bbc
518  3.1 mean   2.9   2.0   3.1   3.6   2.9   2.6   3.8   3.5   3.0   3.4

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:22 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #523-01

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> One day, Joshu came to the Oracle and asked:
> Does this Koan have Buddha nature?
> And the Oracle said: You have not grovelled.
> And since Joshu did not grovel, nobody was
> enlightened on that day.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And Joshu begat Ishmael
} Who begat Mashusida
} Who begat Zethro
} Who begat a long line of unnotables
} Who begat Homer
} And all remembered the koan of Joshu, but none had usenet access,
}   so none were enlightened.
}
} And Homer begat Biff, and lo! Biff's C-64 had a fifty baud coupler
}   modem, and Biff spake to the Oracle thus:
}
} > OH ORACLE WHO KNOWS HOW TO GET O
} > UT OF TGHE LOUD ROOM IN ZORK I H
} > AVE READ MACWORLD AND BYTE AND N
} > EXTWORLD AND I DO NOT UNDERSTYAN
} > D THEM BUT I SSSEE THAT EACH CLA
} > IMS THEIR COMPUTER IS BEST BUT I
} >  KNOW INTUITIVLY THAT C-64 IS BE
} > ST BECAUSE IT HAS EIGHT SPRITES
} > AND IBM HAS NONE HAHAHA!  IS THI
} > S KOAN BUDDAH NATURE?
}
} And thus Spake the Oracle:
}
} } Child, you are close, but you must do more.  You must replace
} } your NiftyDos with VM and you must make your virtual memory
} } device a card punch/reader, and you must love this thing even
} } when you have no cause to.  Then your head will be truly empty.
} }
} } You owe me nothing after you have found it.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:24 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #523-02

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great and Wonderful Oracle, whose Voice is like the sound of a
> Celestial Accordian, and whose Gaze is as penetrating as the rays of
> the sun on a clear day in Solvang, please tell me why anyone would want
> *ugh* anchovies on pizza!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, my Voice is more like a one-tone harmonica with MIDI, but
} you are pretty close about my Gaze, thanks.
}
} On the Bellatrix Half-Moon XXXIV, the rare *ugh* anchovy is considered
} a delicacy on pizza with blue cheese and mango.  The more difficult
} political treaties produced on this moon (the galactic treaty is its
} principle export) are often consummated with the very stiff and
} ritualistic pizza fest, where each slice of pizza must bear an exact
} weight and volume of the *ugh* anchovy, down to the microgram, or
} the whole thing is off.  The pizza is then followed by a tournament
} to the death of Pictionary, or the solemn chanting of the lines
} from a selected Gilligan's Island rerun.
}
} Once some students at the Interdimensional Moon University (I Moon U)
} played a prank and substituted the *ugh* anchovies with Earth
} anchovies, which started a war so fierce that it caused one galaxy
} to collapse and two others to be created; and of course that's how
} the Half-Moon XXXIV became half a moon.  The students, who were
} football players on scholarships, were suspended from two games and
} asked not to do it again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a single *blah* anchovy pudding, and a black hole
} to hold it still and keep it fresh.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:25 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #523-03

Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle, I know that this grovel cannot possibly satisfy you, and that
> part of this grovel's grovelness resides in this very fact.  And I know
> that, despite this truth, I must attempt to make this grovel *really*
> grovel.
>
> Grovel grovel.
>
> My friend here contends that logic can't prove its own validity, while
> I am of the opinion that a good pizza is probably worth more than truth
> or logic. Which of us is right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's watch and find out:
}  [ Two young college guys Mr. TruthandLogic and Mr. Pizza are hanging
}    out at the student union checking out the co-eds.]
}
} T&L:   Man, I am so bummed.  My logic proffesor just told us about
}        Godel's theorem and now I feel like I can't trust any of the
}        engineering crap I've studied so far.
}
} P:     Hey Dude, Lighten up. Let's get a Pizza and go find some babes.
}
} T&L:   Maybe a woman *could* help me take my mind off my troubles.
}
} P:     Yeah. Check out those chicks coming out of the bookstore.
}        Woah.
}
} T&L:   Excuse me, miss. Hi. I'm a typical college student who's
}        depressed about life and school and I was hoping to pick
}        you up and take you back to my room for some meaningless
}        sex that might cheer me up and take my mind off of my
}        troubles.
}
} Co-ed: Get lost, creep.
}
} T&L:   Listen. A. All women who help those in need feel good about
}        themselves. B. I'm a guy in need. C. If you sleep with me
}        then you'll feel good about yourself.
}
} Co-ed: Security. SECURITY! [ runs off ]
}
} P:     Hey, man, you really blew it with that babe. Why did you
}        tell her all that stuff about being depressed and trying
}        to lay her?
}
} T&L:   Well, because it's the truth of course.
}
} P:     Hey well, here comes a hot babe. Let me try.
}
} P:     Hey babe, want to go share a pizza.
}
} Babe:  Well, okay sure, if we can go to Pizza and Tunes and dance
}        too.
}
} P:     Let's go.  See ya in the morning, Dude.
}
} Looks like you're both on the right track. I guess it depends
} on your priorities.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Eight Meat Combo and a good pickup line.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #523-04

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> You great Oracle,
>
> the greatest of all the Oracles,
>
> the only Oracle who is a real Oracle,
> the only Oracle who is called the Usenet Oracle,
> the only Oracle who possesses Lisa,
>
> the Oracle whom Lisa calls Orie,
> the Oracle whom supplicants grovel,
> the Oracle whom supplicants ask questions,
>
> the Oracle who lives in, but not limited to, cs.indiana.edu,
>                moose.cs.indiana.edu and my mbox,
> the Oracle who knows the answer to all the questions the Lord has ever
>                created,
> the Oracle who knows how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a
>                woodchuck could chuck wood,
> the Oracle who knows how much chalk would a woodchuck chuck if a
>                woodchuck could chuck chalk,
> the Oracle who requires an answer to a question for the payment,
> the Oracle who sometimes doesn't require an answer to a question for
>                the payment,
> the Oracle who asks the supplicants other supplicants' questions,
> the Oracle who doesn't care whom to zot, whom not to zot,
> the Oracle who does not put _zot in every commercial library,
> the Oracle who zots Thor,
> the Oracle who reads 69 pages in 42 seconds,
> the Oracle who created the x_Oracle, which is the X Windows Oracle (tm),
> the Oracle who rescues a man whose head is wedged into his asshole,
> the Oracle who is wider than The Niagara Falls,
> the Oracle who is higher than the Everest,
> the Oracle who is Thicker Than A Brick (not Thick As A Brick (remember?
>                Jethro Tull?)),
> the Oracle who
> the Oracle who
> t h e  O r a c l e  w h o
> t  h  e    O  r  a  c  l  e    w  h  o
>
> I/O error during x_cdplayer: C D    P  l  a  y  e  r
>                            s   l   o   w   i   n   g     d    o    w   n
> Fatal Error: Power shutdowm. Replay of the requested CD "grovel"
> suspended. Job summary:
>     Percentage played: 90%
>     Percentage remained: 90%
>     Percentage lost during shutdown period: 90%
>     Supplicant zotted
>     Lisa slept
>     Question ignored
>     Chapter 69 finished
>     Current page number: 121
>     CPU cycles: 42
> Recommendation: Since question is ignored, it is not possible to ask
>     the question.
> Suggestions: Since 90% of the CD is already played, it seems reasonable
>     to ask the question.
> NOTE: Since the Usenet Oracle requires an answer to the question, it
>     might be risky to ask the question.
> Theorem: Every question has an answer which the Usenet Oracle knows.
> Proof: There is no proof. The theorem is wrong.
>
> Fatal Error: Proof is anti-Oracle.
>            Auto explode-zot activated.
>              Checking alert zot machines ... Done. Alert zot machines
>              ready.
>            Alert zot machine number 69-42-121 assigned to the project.
>            Auto lock radar feature enabled.
>            Target set to zottable proud lousy arrogant humble unworthy
>            supplicant.
>              Zot machine aimed at the target.
>              Zot level set to explosive.
>              Final check ... Done.
>            Zot machine fired.
>              Waiting for the target to be zotted ... ^C
>
> (sigh)
>
> Dear Sir Oracle Version 1.0 (tm),
>
>      Sorry for my incomplete grovel. I was about to run the HELP
> Software (tm) I was developing but I came across the following
> error messages:
>
> C:\>HELP
> - Stupid untrapped tickling encountered in high byte address stack
>   while formatting output buffer overload concept.
> - Taken into account Standard Input/Output handles established prior to
>   overemphasized output deficiency occupation of external memory bank
>   identifier.
> - Result summary:
>   - Job cancelled.
>   - Illegal object file linked.
>   - Shell identifiers set identical to I/O channel expansion slot
>     pin 9 (Decimal Input/Output Acknowledge Identification Register).
>   - CPU set to Digital Coded Occupation of Memory Contents Buffering
>     mode of operation cancelling.
>   - All files deleted.
> C:\>_
>
> So, what would you suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My suggestion: Ditch the Atari and get a real computer.
}
} You owe the Oracle an 8-times oversampled filter-tipped
} CD washer/dryer.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #523-05

Selected-By: Todd Radel <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  O most geologically stable Oracle, who could even hold nuclear waste
> until it naturally decayed, I ask you with the sincerity of a thousand
> country singers:
>      What do you eat for breakfast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Though my first temptation is to respond, "Rash Supplicants! (sauteed
} with butter, salt and pepper)," I shall be less untoward for the nonce
} while I ponder your grovels and decipher what the hell you're talking
} about.
}
} Generally, for breakfast, should I partake of a morning meal at all, I
} prefer a dish of Eternal Flame (served upon the backs of devoted
} servants), with a side of Brimstone (in season) and a glass of O.J.
} (shaken, not stirred).   I used to enjoy the occasional toasted
} Crusader, but they're so hard to find these days and besides, the ones
} I had in the fridge were beginning to spoil.
}
} I do like brunching on a nice helping of belching Vesuvian magma when I
} can get it, though.  When I cannot, a bolt of lightning or two in
} Tabasco is always a decent snack.
}
} You owe the Oracle breakfast in bed.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:30 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #523-06

Selected-By: Todd Radel <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, I seem to have an incredibly complex problem.  I come
> to you, and incredibly complex man...er, woman...er, thing...um...I
> mean I come to you you wonderful...uh...Deity?
>
> Hey, just how the heck should I address you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting question, supplicant.  I think the best way to reply is
} to see how the problem of addressing is taken in other contexts.
}
} - Golf: to address the ball one stands beside it and swipes a piece of
}   metal (commonly known as the "club") at some considerable speed near
}   the ball without actually hitting it.  However, if you dare threaten
}   me in this way you wouldn't live to complete your follow-through.
}
} - Dressmaking: addressing takes the form of measuring the customer up
}   (and making snide comments about inside leg measurements if one is
}   acting in a Carry On film).  The drawback is that the Oracle does
}   not wear dresses.  Well, except the little red number at the back
}   of the wardrobe.  And the flowing pink one.  And the velvety
}   black one which goes so well with the heels and the ... sorry.
}
} - Computing: addressing involves procedures aptly named in the
}   BASIC language as PEEKing and POKEing.  And if you think I'm about
}   to let you peek and poke the Oracle, think again.
}
} - Hmmm.  The Oracle's dictionary also defines address (pl.) -
}   courtship. And let me say straight off that I'm not that sort of
}   Deity.
}
} So basically you should address me enclosing a stamped self-addressed
} envelope.
}
} You owe the Oracle a five iron and a zip code.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:32 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #523-07

Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How many roads must a woodchuck walk down?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene:  A darkened computer lab.  A shadowy figure sits before
} the nearest terminal, which casts a sickly green glow across his
} snickering countenance.  The message on the terminal reads:
}
}       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle>
}       Subject: An answer to the #Qa58102 question is required by the
}       Oracle.
}
}       The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
}       > How many roads must a woodchuck walk down?
}       >
}
} The shadowy figure giggles with delight.]
}
} "It works!  My random question generator is a success!"
}
} [A second terminal beeps, and displays the message:]
}
}       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle>
}       Subject: An answer to the #Qa58103 question is required by the
}       Oracle.
}
}       The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
}       > How much wood is the Ultimate Answer to Life,
}       > the Universe and Everything?
}       >
}
} "Bwahahahaha!  The Oracle will be brought to his knees!"
}
} [A third terminal beeps...]
}
}       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle>
}       Subject: An answer to the #Qa58104 question is required by the
}       Oracle.
}
}       The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
}       > How many woodchucks does it take to change a light bulb?
}       >
}
} "Revenge is mine!  LISA is mine!  He'll be trapped in the loop
} forever!"
}
} [beep]
}
}       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle>
}       Subject: The Oracle replies!
}
}       The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
}       You wrote:
}
}       > How many roads must a woodchuck walk down?
}       >
}
}       And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
}       } Nice try, Loki, but there's a bug in your program.
}       } Each of the questions you send in has a blank line
}       } at the end, which makes them easy to filter out...
}       }
}       } You owe the Oracle a terminal.  This one will do:
}
} [The terminal disappears in a puff of smoke.]
}
} "Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuggggghhh!"
}
} [beep]
}
}       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle>
}       Subject: The Oracle replies!
}
}       The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
}       You wrote:
}
}       > How much wood is the Ultimate Answer to Life,
}       > the Universe and Everything?
}       >
}
}       And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
}       } As much wood as it will take to rebuild this computer lab
}       } when I finish dismantling it.  You owe the Oracle a mainframe.
}
} [There is a loud BANG and all the terminals vanish except one,
} which beeps and displays the following message...]
}
}       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle>
}       Subject: The Oracle replies!
}
}       The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
}       You wrote:
}
}       > How many woodchucks does it take to change a light bulb?
}       >
}
}       And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
}       } Here's a better riddle:
}
} [The door to the lab shudders, as an earsplitting KNOCK KNOCK
} reverberates across the campus...]
}
} Loki whirls to face the door.  "Who's there?"
}
} [beep]
}       } Oracle.
}
} [Loki shouts a Nordic curse, and vanishes in a puff of green smoke.
} The terminal beeps again:]
}
}       } You're supposed to say "Oracle who?", moron.
}
} Better luck next time!  You owe the Oracle one of those Viking hats
} with the neat horns coming out the side, like Hagar wears.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #523-08

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Great, Magnificent, Stupendous, Massive, Glowing, Radiant, and
> Otherwise Cool Oracle, answer me this question:
>
> Why ask why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Or else I'd be out of business!  Could you think of a more kushy job
} than giving out stupid answers to even dumber questions, and collecting
} pretty much anything you like for payments?
}
} You owe the Oracle... hmmm... let's see...  A preview copy of the new
} Paul McCartney CD (I don't want to wait 'till February) and... er... a
} pickled pepperoni and cottage cheese stew.  (I skipped breakfast this
} morning, and I'm getting hungry)

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:35 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #523-09

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most wise oracle, who sees the future with more clarity than
> ever did Nostradamus or Gene Roddenberry, I have had a troubling
> vision...
>
> I see a planet that's glowing red.
> I see the millions burning in their beds.
> I see the future that might have been,
> Torn from the future by hungry men.
> I have the same dream every night.
> I wake up shaking in the morning light.
> I don't know what could be expected of me.
> I only know that I believe what I see.
> And you, do you see what I see?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, I used to get that too. Try Milk of Magnesia. It does wonders.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plutonium-powered suppository.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 00:10:36 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #523-10

Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> You who are with oh so copious free time to answer the ignorant
> questions of those like me, I beseech you for an answer.
>
> I was watching the Spinal Tap rockumentary the other day, and
> discovered that they had a sound system, whose volume control went to
> 11.  I feel, now, that my stereo is lacking, and no longer gives me
> enjoyment.  How might I find such a windrous piece of equipment, so
> that I, too, may have music, that goes to 11?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After conducting extensive research into this subject, which of course
} I don't have to do since I am omniscient but the press is kinder to me
} if I use a phrase like "extensive research," --
}
} [Message from [e-mail]]  Did you see how
} that guy spelled "wondrous?"  I think that deserves a <ZOT> in the
} kisser.
}
} No, no, no!  "Windrous" conveys the essence of any sound system whose
} volume control goes to 11.  In fact, such a system should be capable
} of not only brisk winds, but also of typhoons and other seismic
} activity.
}
} [Message continues]  Come on!  "Windrous" isn't even a word!  The
} supplicant could have used "windy" or "gale-force" or even "blustery."
} But "windrous?!"
}
} That not withstanding, I think the supplicant's question was a very
} good on and deserves--
}
} [Message from [e-mail]] Did you notice...
}
} --Oh no!  Not you too!--
}
} [Message continues]  ...that the last message you received didn't have
} a grovel or even mention your name?  Can, I <ZOT> him?  Can I?  Can I?
} Please let me <ZOT> him.
}
} All right already!  Grovel_daemon, from now on you have my permission
} to zot anyone who sends me a message without a grovel.
}
} [Message from [e-mail]]  Hey, how come
} grovel_daemon gets to <ZOT> supplicants if <ZOT>!!!
}
} [Message from [e-mail]]  Wow!  That was fun!
} And here comes another message without a <ZOT>!!!
}
} There, that's better.  Are you still there, supplicant?  I'm sorry, I
} was just upgrading my software.  I'm afraid the sound system in Spinal
} Tap was a once-only custom job, and it's now under heavy guard at the
} Smithsonian Institute, in the weather display.  So you can't get music
} that goes to eleven without ending up in a prison somewhere.  Sorry!
}
} You owe the oracle a volume control that goes to 11.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #523
***************************************