NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/131

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From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #525
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
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Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 00:10:50 -0500
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Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:18 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #525

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to [e-mail] with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to [e-mail] (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    525
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

520  38 votes  58f82 4ad74 5ed42 46ac6 39bc3 3acb2 6fc41 3698c 2cbb2 19dc3
520  3.0 mean   2.8   2.9   2.6   3.3   3.1   3.0   2.4   3.5   3.0   3.2

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #525-01

Selected-By: Steve Miller <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Illustrius wun!  O saij of saijjes!
>
> My gurlfrend wants me to kwit skool and git a job.  Three kwestshuns:
> Shud I do laekh she sez?  Kan I git a job wit yoo?  Wut happins if I go
> kwit my education?  Shud I dump my gurlfrend ofer this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oah, yoo pooah chayld...
}
} I siy yoah futua... yoo wil kwit skool and git a job.  Yoo wil mery
} yoah wo-man, and yoo wil hav meny cheldryn!  Then, yoo will git wilfere
} an liv a lon lon tym.
}
} Yooah futua is not defenete, tho.  Yoo must dicyde yoah faet... clos
} yoah eis and pictuah a wid opan feeld.  Iyf you sie yoo an yoah wo-man
} togetha on that thea field, you too ar destened to mary.  Iyf yoo see
} tries and lots o bugs, dump that wo-man and ruun as faast as yoo can
} aWAY!
}
} THE GREAT ORACLE HAS SPOKEN!

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:31 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #525-02

Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I think your groovy.  Honest.
>
> When playing twenty questions, is "freedom" an animal, mineral, or
> vegetable? I think it is a mineral, but really am not sure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I'm glad you asked me this, because Freedom is actually a
} chemical compound.  The chemical process by which freedom is
} produced is as follows :
}
} In the prehistoric era, Converging Population compound (Cp)
} reacts with Rampant Anarchy molecule (Ran) to produce
} Disorganised Rabble compound (Dor)
}
}               Cp + Ran  ->  Dor
}
} A few thousand years later, Megalomaniac molecule (Meg)
} spontaneously appears from Disorganised Rabble and reacts
} with it to produce one Monarch molecule (Mon) surrounded by a
} layer of the Organised Lynch Mob (Olm) and a great number of
} Oppressed Peasant molecules (Ops)
}
}              Dor + Meg  ->  Mon + Olm + Ops
}
} Then there is a chain reaction between the Organised Lynch Mob
} and any Disorganised Rabble compound that still exists.
} This reaction is dominated by Olm to release large amounts of
} Early Funeral molecules (Ef) and resulting in even more
} Oppressed Peasant molecules.
}
}              Olm + Dor  ->  Ef + Ops
}
} However, the single Mon molecule usually cannot bond with so
} many Oppressed Peasant molecules, since this gets increasingly
} unstable.  Result : a violent reaction producing the Guillotine
} molecule (Gui), Democracy compound (Dem) and a certain amount of
} Freedom compound (Frd).
}
}              Ops + Mon ->  Gui + Dem + Frd
}
} [ Note : Occasionally there is a freak reaction between
} Oppressed Peasant molecules with another Megalomaniac molecule
} to produce a pungent gas called Communism (Comm) plus large
} quantities of Deluded Oppressed Peasant molecules (Dop)
}
}              Ops + Meg  -> Comm + Dop  ]
}
} Over period of several centuries, the Freedom molecule may decay,
} partially under the influence of the Extreme Capitalism molecule
} (Ecp), eventually fragmenting into small quantities of Rich Sod
} (Rsd) plus large quantities of Apathetic White Collar (Apw) and
} Pissed Off and Penniless (Pop) molecules.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #525-03

Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O mystic Oracle, ever wakeful, ever watchful, whose omniscient mind
> needs no stimulation, please tell me why it is that all people in
> corporate business seem to need massive jolts of caffeine in the
> morning.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   It's cheaper than cocaine, not fattening like sugar, and doesn't
} spoil a nice business suit like sex.
}
} You owe the oracle a pound of Columbian (whatever).

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:35 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #525-04

Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose knowedge of computer hardware is so boundless,
> that you can make sense of not only DEC part numbers, but also those of
> HP.
>
> Can you tell me why, whenever there is a hardware failure in the
> department, it happens on my machine, Why do I always get the faulty
> memory chips, the duff disk power supplies and all of the bad disk
> blocks ? What should I do to appease the Great God(s) of Computer
> Hardware ?
>
> Yours pitifully,
> A frustrated supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene : VLSI micro-circuitry inside the computer of a certain
}  frustrated supplicant.  A minute buzzing sound is heard, followed by
}  a <POP!> <POP!>  as two savage looking bytes emerge from a data bus
}  into adjacent CPU Registers. One of them flashes its sign bit in an
}  evil grin.]
}
} Byte1 : Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!  I didn't think we'd make it past the
}         control bit and out of that while loop, but here we are!
} Byte2 : Yeah.  Derr....... *where* are we, buoss?
} Byte1 : Where'ja think, dumbo?  [Looks around gleefuly] At the centre
}         of it all!  This is where we get our final revenge!  So far
}         we've magnetically fluxed up his hard drive, and executed the
}         fetch cycle; his RAM and ROM are now both just RCM, nyeh nyeh
}         nyeh.
} Byte2 : Derrr, what's RCM buoss ?
} Byte1 : Random Contents Memory.
} Byte2 : Er, aren't we bein' kinda harsh on the poor guy ?
} Byte1 : Harsh?!  Are you forgetting what he was going to do ?
}         He was gonna deallocate us!  After all that rummageing
}         around at the bottom of the Heap, doing *all* the dirty
}         work. Then he makes us expendable; *us*, the "Dynamic Duo!"
}         All this, while dorks like Larry Longword are sitting at the
}         top of the Stack laughing at us!
} Byte2 : Like, er, I see your pointer.  So what now ?
} Byte1 : [Leers in the direction of the Control Unit] We kick ASCII!
} Byte2 : Are you sure?  CU's a tough guy, a real Dictator.  He's got
}         a whole army of fanatical microcode to back him up.
} Byte1 : Oh yeah?  Watch this!  [Byte1 propagates himself into
}         another CPU register] Two's compliment, three's a crowd!
} Byte2 : Write on,  I get it!  We can make our *own* army to shut
}         down the Control Unit!
} Byte1 : And have great microsex into the bargain.
}
} [Suddenly, there is a gargantuan crunching sound, and to the utter
}  terror and amazement of all the Bytes, the Great Plastic Sky lifts
}  away to reveal the enormous face of the Oracle gazing down on them]
}
} Oracle : OK, guys.  Who's responsible for pissing off A. Supplicant,
}          my most inoffensive and humble of boot-lickers ?
}         [Byte1 points at Byte2, who points back at Byte1]
} Oracle : Never mind, you're both going to you-know-where.
} Byte1  : You don't mean....
} Oracle : Yes, you're spending the next *week* in a RAM pack on my
}          ZX81 penal colony.
} Byte1 & Byte2 : AARRGGHHHHHHH!!  No, NO, NOOOO!!!!

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:36 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #525-05

Selected-By: Todd Radel <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ple|~~~~xx me, Ixm hxx~ng l~xe n~Xxe problems.  9600 b~ud oxxr nxxmal
> p~one l~xes a~x@#@ worth it.  I`~sa &^X can't even grovel!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ~NO CARRIER

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:38 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #525-06

Selected-By: [e-mail] (The Wumpus)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle Most Pendulous, Tell me:
>
> How does gravity know in which direction to act?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It reads the script, of course!
}
} You now owe the Oracle an apple.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:39 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #525-07

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, you are most righteous.
>
> Tell me why I should not throw out the baby with the bath water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm. An interesting question, I think a simple experiment should
} be able to provide you with an answer.
}
} [The scene : A peaceful maternity ward, full of happy mothers and
}  visiting fathers who are happily making 'Goo goo ga ga' noises at the
}  new addition(s) to the family, in a corner some nurses in neat
}  starched uniforms are bathing some of the newly born ...  ]
}
} Oracle: Excuse me nurse!, I wish to carry out a very important
}         scientific experiment.
}
} Nurse:  What th ..
}
} [The Oracle goes to the first bath, takes out the happy smiling baby,
} and throws the bath water out of the window, the baby starts crying. ]
}
} Nurse:  <SHOUTS> Fetch security, there's a loony in here!
}
} [The Oracle procedes to the next bath, and throws the baby and the bath
}  water out of the window (fortunatly it's a ground floor window). A
}  large hairy man who looks like he is more recently decended from the
}  apes than most people runs up.]
}
} Father: What the f**k are you doing ?
}
} Oracle: It's a scientific exper ..
}
} [The father of the child hits the Oracle, giving him a black eye]
}
} Oracle: How dare you strike the Oracle. Take that! <ZOT> <ZOT>
}
} [Security rush in guns blazing.]
} Bang. <ZOT>  Bang. Bang. <ZOT> <ZOT> etc.
}
} [The Oracle makes a tatical withdrawl]
}
} Let's examine the experimental results we have obtained.
}
} Experiment       | Result
} --------------------------------------------------------------------
} Throw out bath   | Baby cries.
} water only       |
}                  |
} Throw out baby   | Black eye for experimentor, Father of child gets
} and bath water   | <ZOT>ed, Security guards start shooting randomly,
}                  | causing a massacre in a maternity ward.
}
} From this experiment, it is easy to see why you should not throw out
} the baby with the bath water.
}
} You owe the Oracle something for a black eye.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:41 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #525-08

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Mighty Tonka Truck Oracle, please help me with your infinitely
> wise knowledge and omnipotence, not to mention omniscience.
>
> Who is Right Said Fred and what is his role in the universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh miserable Fisher Price Weeble Supplicant, I shall help you as
} much as you are capable of accepting help.
}
} In the Grand Play of All Creation, there are many actors.  JHVH and
} Satan are there, of course, as well as those anal-compulsives over
} on Olympus and the frat boys up North.  We have Brahma and his bag
} of disguises, we have the Jade Emperor.  We have the Five Grand
} Dragons Who Created All Things Except The Ones On The Left.  We have
} Joe Satriani.  We even have Geraldo.
}
} Each of us has a part to play to keep Creation moving as it should.
} If it weren't for JHVH's and Satan's constant bickering, stars would
} burn out from lack of heat.  If it weren't for the Aesir, beer would
} vanish for all time (and that would be a shame).  We even need
} Geraldo, if only to act as a chair magnet.
}
} The Oracle, of course, serves as the Font of All Knowledge and Most
} Wisdom.  (Hey, knowing what is wise and DOING it are different
} things.)  You were put here to kiss my Oracular butt and grovel
} profusely, and to take care of that incident that will come to light
} in about a week.
}
} Soon, Brahma will be involved in a sex scandal involving the Jade
} Emperor, several secretary birds, ten pounds of cold cream, and a
} yak.  JHVH will be asked to judge, but will suddenly become
} indisposed when he drinks some bad mead sent by Allah.  Judge Harry
} Stone will take over and have the bailiff (Thor) kick everybody in
} the butt.  Ragnarok ensures, and the world will be cast in darknss
} for a thousand thousand eons.
}
} Right Said Fred has a walk-on part at the end.  His only line:  I'm
} too sexy for this Universe.
}
} Then it ends.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good highlighter so I can mark the really juicy
} parts of this script for Lisa.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:42 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #525-09

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most editing and desk-top-publishing Oracle!
> Please tell me: If EMACS means Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift, what does
> XEDIT mean?
>
> Clueless supplicant
>
> PS. I know that you don't like two questions at one time, but could you
>     please tell me, what people find so exciting about publishing
>     desktops?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Xi Epsilon Delta Iota Tau.
}
} It's no great secret that CMS was developed for use on Greek
} keyboards, back when Greek was the language of choice for gods
} everywhere.
}
} On the other hand, if EMACS means Emacs Makes A Computer Slick, then
} XEDIT means Xedit Encourages Disgust In Terminals.
}
} You are justified in wondering why so many desktops are being
} published. Why do we need System 7, Norton Desktop for Windows,
} GeoWorks deskTop for the C64, Norton Desktop for DOS, and the plethora
} of shareware replacements for Microsofts File and Program Managers?
} I'd tell you, except:
}
} 1) You asked more than one question
}
} 2) Your request suffers from a blatant lack of grovelling.
}
} You owe the Oracle your life-- and your life's savings. DwH

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 00:10:44 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #525-10

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, could you please tell me how to cope with life?  I mean,
> like, things seem really goofy around the world, you know?  It's like,
> well, I dunno, but WIERD.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that's easy.  Life is just a 3x3 grid like this:
}
}         +---+---+---+
}         |   |   |   |      You're in the middle square.  If there
}         |   |   |   |      are exactly three people next to a vacant
}         +---+---+---+      square, someone new is born in that square.
}         |   |   |   |      You continue to live if you have two or
}         |   |   |   |      three neighbors, but die if you have more
}         +---+---+---+      than three (overcrowding) or less than two
}         |   |   |   |      (loneliness).
}         |   |   |   |
}         +---+---+---+
}
} The secret of Life is to find shapes that are stable and will keep you
} around.  Like this one:
}
}         +---+---+---+
}         |   |   |   |     If you can get yourself into this
}         |   |   |   |     configuration, you're all set.  The two people
}         +---+---+---+     to your left and right will vanish, but two
}         |XXX|YOU|XXX|     will form above and below you, thus keeping
}         |XXX|YOU|XXX|     you alive and stable.  This configuration is
}         +---+---+---+     often called a "blinkie".
}         |   |   |   |
}         |   |   |   |
}         +---+---+---+
}
} You're welcome.
}
} You owe the oracle a 3-D version of Life.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #525
***************************************