NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/128

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From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #522
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
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Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 00:10:43 -0500
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Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:14 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #522

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to [e-mail] with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to [e-mail] (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    522
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

517  36 votes  45999 36bb5 0bg72 2ag71 4ib30 8g741 46a6a 9da31 128g9 23aab
517  3.0 mean   3.4   3.2   3.0   2.9   2.4   2.3   3.3   2.3   3.8   3.7

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:21 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #522-01

Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Majestic and wonderous Oracle,  Knower of  all  knowledge, Last Resort
> of the hopeless, I cringe before your Magnificence and ask most humbly:
> Is a zebra a white animal with black stripes, or a black animal with
> white stripes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question.  To most animals (i.e., insects), the zebra is a
} high-ultraviolet animal with mostly low-ultraviolet polka-dots.
} The stripes are just a sop to the UV-impaired.
}
}      message from [e-mail]: Like I invented the zebra
}      for the bugs' pleasure. Get real.
}
} Okay, okay.  Let's call up the files:
}
} iuvax# telnet phenotype-banks.gaia.com
}
} Welcome to Mother's Phenotype Server.  Please log on and wipe
} your feet.
}
} Name:  orrie
} Password:
}
}  Welcome back, you wondrous little oracle, dear.  Why don't you
}
} [*ahem* line noise.  Sorry.]
}
} gaia% classification english
}  English chosen.  Gallus!
}
} gaia% cd /animals/chordata/mammals/placentals/equines/zebra
} gaia% more < stripes
}
} Ah, yes.  The stripes.  YNH had left the decision on the zebra
} off until after she had finished figuring out how sub-atomic
} physics should work.  After inventing the electron, the photon,
} and the radar gun, she found that the dag-blasted radar gun
} didn't work all that well.  The reason, of course, is that once
} she had figured out where the electron was, its velocity was now
} uncertain.  This provided YNH with a great deal of pleasure,
} enough to allow her to decide to rest in satisfaction for a
} while*.  Humans, she realized, would be her crowning achievement,
} but would not discover this principle of uncertainty, much less
} the concept of radar guns, for a long time.  What to do.
}
} Fortunately, she realized that she could create an animal
} creating just this uncertainty.  The zebra.  Either white with
} black stripes, or black with white stripes, depending on how the
} observer actually observed it.  Now, whether humans actually
} realize this concept is life imitating art is another thing
} altogether.
}
} *about 1.7 x 10^-17 seconds in human terms.  Pretty darned long
} for YNH.
}
} gaea% ^]
}
} telnet> close
} telnet> quit
}
} You owe the oracle a Fuzzbuster.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:22 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #522-02

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What can be done about rising healthcare costs in the United States?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ORACLE'S TOP-TEN OPTIONS FOR REDUCING RISING HEALTH COSTS
}
} 1.    Go to your doctor fully armed and talk idly about how expensive
} medical costs have become and how you're having trouble coping
} emotionally.
}
} 2.    Become a shaman and cure people through spiritual means while
} charging them through the nose so as to offset your medical bills.
}
} 3.    Publish an article in the AMA Journal that will make every doctor
} who reads it sick.
}
} 4.    Pass a congressional statute that undoes the congressional
} statute that exempts insurance companies from being investigated by
} Congress.
}
} 5.    Print up thousands of bumper stickers that say, "WHY SHOULD
} INSURANCE COMPANIES HAVE ALL THE FUN??  PAY *ME* FOR NOTHING!"
}
} 6.    Everybody get well at once.
}
} 7.    Hire a hacker to break into the insurance company computers so
} that all policy holders will receive checks with form letters stating
} that they have paid too much on their premiums.  Repeat every six
} months.
}
} 8.    Hire someone to get sick FOR you.
}
} 9.    Practice medicine at home.  Eventually you may get it right.
}
} 10.   Make it difficult to sue a doctor for malpractice.  If he messes
} up, kill him or her instead.  It's cheaper for the insurance companies
} to bury them than pay for their mistakes.
}
} You owe the Oracle as follows:
}
}       Pre-screening for Oracular advice               $450
}       Approval by Oracular referral committee         $216
}       Adminstrative fee                               $ 85
}       Consultation                                    $888*
}       Ten-step prescription                           $345
}                                                       ______
}       TOTAL                                           $1,984
}
} * Special this week on consultations, marked down 12.5% from last week.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:24 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #522-03

Selected-By: David Sewell <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>    Would you like fries with that Sir?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uhh, I'd like a cheeseburger, french fries, and a large orange drink.
} (
} Tssszzzl bzzz zzzr rqzzzz, zzzzr.
} )
} Uh... did you hear me right? I said, a cheeseburger, french fries, and
} a large orange drink.
} (
} Yxxzzz. Rzzz czzzrrszzz, fzzzz fzzzs. Tssszzzl bzzz zzzr rqzzzz,
} zzzzr.
} )
} Look, I think you didn't get it right. I said, a cheeseburger, french
} fries, and a large orange drink!!
} (
} Yxxzzz. Rzzz fszzzz....
} )
}
} NONONONO!! Look, repeat after me:
} A CHEESEBURGER!
} (
} R czzsszzzrgzz.
} )
} FRENCH FRIES!
} (
} Fzzzzh fzzss.
} )
} And a LARGE ORANGE DRINK!
} (
} Rzd r lrzzz rzrzxz.
} )
} DRINK! SAY IT! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
} (
} Bzz bzzzz bzzz...
} )
} AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
} <brooommm!!!! brooommm!!!! crash! bang! tinkle!>
} (
} Wzzld thzt bz rzl szr?
} )
}
} You owe the Oracle a Chinese Take-Out meal and accident coverage.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #522-04

Selected-By: Steve Miller <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Est-ce que vous parlez d'autre langues?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oui, le Francois de langues mon parlez, und der Deutsche
} her shpreken, to Nihnongo-wo wakarimasu, jung mikat woo
} pao conntoni, gungno makka jakka wootitomogo matcha, un
} da Sweede Chefie langee knower--bork, bork, bork! <throw
} spoons>
}
} The language of the Oracle is Truth, and his accent is
} ASCII.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Sweedish Chef-to-French Chef
} translating dictionary.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:27 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #522-05

Selected-By: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is complex, so bear with me.
}
} First, you need to study up on the early historical development of
} quantum theory in the days before concepts such as virtual particles
} were conceived.  Familiarize yourself with the details of each
} theoretical model.  Do NOT study any theory coming after the first
} clarification of quantum electrodynamics.
}
} Next, cut down the first tree you see and make a fine quality violin
} out of it.  This will require many many years of patient study and
} practice and trial and error.  Especially if you cut down a green
} birch sapling with a trunk only three inches thick.
}
} It will help if you also learn as much as you can manage about
} weather control and "cloudbusting".
}
} Study the political turmoil surrounding the death of King Gustavus
} Adolphus and the subsequent decline of Sweden as a power in
} continental Europe.  Learn each of the major personalities and their
} milieu thoroughly enough that you feel you can practically walk among
} them and converse with them, and fit in without raising suspicions.
} This period is crucuial to the answer.
}
} Acquire an authentic pre-WWI Rickenbacher "frying pan" Hawaiian
} electric guitar.  Remove all but two strings.  By this point in your
} progress it should be obvious which two to keep.  Tune them both to
} the same note.  Contemplate the different sounds the two strings make
} when the vintage instrument meets an exact antimatter duplicate.
}
} Obtain a small bulldozer and backhoe.  You might be able to find a
} model that has both types of blades on opposite ends, which would
} save space.  Rent a room in the swankiest hotel in your area in which
} you can get a room at ground level with no basement or anything under
} it.  Disassemble the earthmoving equipment and smuggle it inside
} piece by piece.  Rebuild it, and start digging.  Once deep enough,
} tunnel sideways along the axis of the nearest Ley line.  Stop as soon
} as you find anything that a Zen monk might consider vaguely
} interesting.
}
} Buy IBM at 38 and 5/8.  Hang onto it for eleven weeks and two days.
} Then give it away to the richest-looking person you see.
}
} No, I didn't mean buy a little stock, I meant BUY IBM.  The whole
} company.  This will take some advance preparation.
}
} Find a use for lawyers.  Keep this problem in the back of your mind
} during the other steps, if you don't want to get stuck by this
} relatively uninteresting but difficult phase, because it will take a
} lot of thought.
}
} Develop a more environmentally concious alternative to paper for
} printing junk mail on.  Convince exactly one junk mail company to use
} it.  Do not allow a second company to also do so.
}
} All of which leads up to the real work, the most difficult and
} complex part of all.  But JUST FOR YOU, I have a short, simplified
} version of the answer ... listen close now, and I'll let you have it:
}
}
} Ready?
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}    / ZZZZZ   OOO   TTTTT  # \
}   /     Z   O   O    T    #  \
}  <     Z    O   O    T    #   >
}   \   Z     O   O    T       /
}    \ ZZZZZ   OOO     T    @ /
}
} You forgot to grovel.
}
} Your estate owes the Oracle a set of fresh batteries.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #522-06

Selected-By: Todd Radel <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O wondrous and marvellously spliffy Oracle, hear my humble plea:
>
> Which is the correct spelling:  "yogurt", "yogourt",
> "yoghourt", or "yoghurt"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Place:  The Oracle's pad, the morning after a rather long drinking
} contest with Thor, The God Of Thunder.
}
} The Situation: trying to answer questions with one HELL of a hangover.
}
} Elf - " Hey Orrie! We gotcha a new que...
}
} <ZOT>
}
} ELf - "Ouch."
}
} The Elf promptly disintegrates into his component molocules. A slip of
} paper flutters to the ground in the wind. The Oracle slowly gets the
} paper from the floor, resting a few times along the way.
}
} Oracle (*very* quietly) - "Not so loud next time. Drinking a Thunder
}       God under the table isn't as easy as it seems..."
}
} Blurry-eyed, the Oracle tries to focus on the silly little piece of
} paper.
}
} Oracle - "What kind of language is this?"
}
} Taking a closer look at it ( well, let's face it. In order to take a
} closer look, he'd have to take a stick and jam the paper into his eye),
} the Oracle quickly realizes his mistake and turns the paper upside
} down.
}
} Oracle - " Let's see. How to spell yogurt?"
}
} The Oracle drops the paper, letting it float to the ground. The Oracle
} opens up a rather deep drawer in his desk and pulls out a current issue
} of Playboy, an automatic <ZOT>ter with 50 and 100-round clips and
} foldin stock, a rather used and abused D-Hopper, some compromising
} photos of himself and (uhh..., never mind), a flux-capacitor, a few
} thousand smoke-bombs, and anti-woodchuck pin (Just Say NO!), some
} flattering videos of His and Lisa's sexual escapades (the good ones), a
} full case of Bud Dry...
}
} Oracle - guzzle, guzzle, guzzle "BUUUURRRRRPPPPP!"
}
} ... make that an EMPTY case of Bud Dry, a Transdimensional
} Informational retrieving/exchanging/storage computer chip, an
} Infinite-Improbability Warp Drive, a spare set of keys to the Handcuffs
} that are currently keeping Lisa in bed, a 100-count box of lubricated
} condoms ( enough for a week, if that), and (finally) a rather dusty
} book.
}
} The Oracle opens up a small inter-dimensional portal and throws the
} book through it.
}
} The Place: Your terminal, where you are asking more questions of the
} Almighty Oracle.
}
} The Situation: An Upcoming headache.
}
} A small, familiar inter-dimensional portal opens up right behind you,
} and a rather dusty book flies out and hits you in the back of the head.
} Just before you lose consciousness, you hear a deep, thundering voice
} say...
}
} Oracle - "Look it up in the bloody dictionary!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a large count bottle of a pain-reliever that works.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:30 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #522-07

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
>     light bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
}     Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
}     to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
}     that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
}     see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
}     stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
}     light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
}     shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
}     promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
}     is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon
}     ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
}     Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a
}     reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light
}     bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps
}     back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new
}     bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year
}     mission.
}
} You owe the Oracle a live red shirt.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:32 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #522-08

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> PAGE 100                      BRITISH ROCK BOTTOM BANDS
> *The DECs Pistols* : Punk/Heavy Rock outfit formed in 1991 by 4
> extremely frustrated and obnoxious Computer Science graduates.
> Noted for the following mutilation of a classic punk track :
>
>       "Oracularity from the UK" by the DECs Pistols
>        --------------------------------------------
>           [Heavy guitar chord sequence]
>           Select me rrrright now!    (heh heh heh heh)
>
>           I aaam an Oraclist-a
>           and I am an Anti-Priest-a
>           I know what I want
>           but they won't let me get it
>           I wanna get past
>           Oracular monks
>
>           Cos I wanna beeeee-ya : Oracularity!
>
>           Oracularity from the UKayy
>           It's comin' some day and maybeee-ya
>           I'll get a ratin' higher than 1.3
>           after all that bloody time writin' to Orrieee
>
>           Cos I wanna beeeee-ya : Oracularity!
>           Well, it beats anarchy
>
>           There are many ways to get on the Net
>           'O' is the best; sod all the rrrest-a
>           'O' is the enemyyy
>           'O' is Or-ac-ul-ar-it-y
>
>           Cos I wanna beeee-ya Oracularity
>           Yeah I wanna beeee-ya Oracliste
>           get Priest ; Destroooooyyyyyyaaaaaaa!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're listening to the network's best rock, KZOT Oradio!  That was
} the DECs Pistols with their latest.  Temperature outside is...who
} cares?  We're on the net!
}
} Now for something from the Crash.....
}
} [simple but deceptively catchy guitar riff]
}
} WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
}
} [bass and drums join in]
}
} <voice 1>
}       Orrie, you've got to let me know
}       "Tell me" yes or tell me no
}       Won't you please give to meeeee
}       An average of more than threeeeeeee
}       Orrie, you've got to let me knoooooow
}       Should I stay or should I go?
}
} <voice 2>
}       Oh, it's always "Please please please
}       Won't you tell me how to sneeze?
}       What is the meaning of my liiiiife?
}       Will I get laid or find a wiiiiiife?"
}       People, you really piss me off.
}       Prepare your asses for a ZOT!

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:34 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #522-09

Selected-By: David Bremner <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most honorable and wise oracle, Please tell me the answer to the
> one question that has troubled me so enormously much...
>
> When I were sleeping last night i had a strange but very satisfying
> dream. I dreamt i were a famous Super-Star living with gorgeous women
> and attending great partys.
> When I woke a thought struck me... Am I a Super-Star who dreams I am a
> normal man or am I a man who dreams I am a Super-Star?
>
> Please tell me the answer to my troubling question...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ice Hammer, King of Rap, Koolest of the Kool, having just fought his
} way through a screaming mob of hysterical teenagers sinks down on the
} plush upholstery of his plum-coloured Cadillac with a sigh of relief.
} On the seat beside him sit two young, well-enodwed women, both with
} delicious milk chocolate-coloured complexion and wearing incredibly
} tight-fitting dresses, just low-cut enough to reveal the tops of
} designer brassieres, and just short enough to show an occasional
} glimpse of matching panties.
}
} While Ice H. absent-mindedly lights a cigarette with a hundred-dollar
} bill, one of the women starts massaging the back of his neck, while
} the other asks, in a low, husky voice, if they'll be in time for the
} party.
}
} Ice H., lost in deep thoughts, doesn't answer, but says:
} "Y'know, baby, I had this weird dream last night - I dreamed I was the
} pope. Maybe I'm not really me, but just some nerd dreaming he's
} me...". Both women giggle.
} ====
}
} The harsh, piercing sound of an electronic alarm clock cuts through
} the head of Mazda Imperfect, aka Judge Drutt of the Supreme
} Intergalactic Court, aka dozens of even stupider handles, master
} hacker - or computer nerd as most women call him. With a groan, Mazda
} sits up in bed, realizing he's not really the King of Rap, but a CS
} frehsman at an obscure university. Vehemently, he hits the alarm clock
} so it crashes into the wall and stops ringing, then lies down again
} and tries to go back to sleep and re-start the dream.
}
} Two minutes later, his next-door neighbour starts playin AC/DC at max
} volume. Two minutes later still, his other next-door neighbour starts
} playing Shamen at an even higher volume. When the guy downstairs
} starts playing old Dolly Parton records, it's the last straw, and
} Mazda gets up, wraps himself in a robe and heads for the shower.
}
} Later that day, he in desperation writes to the Oracle to get the
} answer to the question that's been nagging him all day: What if he's
} not a CS student dreaming he's a superstar, but a superstar deraming
} he's a CS student? Just as he's sent the message...
} ====
}
} ...the melodious chime of golden bells wakens the Usenet Oracle. He
} slowly opens his eyes, to see the loving countenace of Lisa, who's
} dressed in what might - with some stretching of the imagination - be
} called a nightdress.
} "Good morning, Orrie. Had any sweet dreams?"
} "Yes, in fact, I did dream something pretty weird - that I was a CS
} geek who dreamed he was a rap star, and then sent a question to me
} about whether he was really some superstar dreaming he was a CS geek
} dreaming he was a rap star..."
} "How strange. And even stranger, just such a question arrived on the
} fax just two minutes ago"
} "What?"
}
} The Oracle has only started to think about the consequences of this
} when...
} ====
}
} ...the nasty sound of a sub-machine gun being fired at close range
} resounds through a rickety shack in the suburbs of Mogadishu,
} Somalia...
}
} [ You owe the Oracle a good ending to this story; or perhaps some good
} way of indicating that this is supposed to be an infinite progression
} of dreams within dreams ]

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 00:10:37 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #522-10

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, you are wiser than wise, for you find meaning where we see
> none. In the second line of the bridge in the theme song to "The
> Flintstones," the lyric seems to go:
>
>       Roof's Off, Courtesy of Fred's Big Feet
>
> It's right before Dino's head goes through the roof, and Fred puts
> Pebbles up there so she can see the movie. Anyway, can you explain this
> for us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have touched on one of the great mysteries of the universe, o
} seeker.
}
} The lyrics to which you refer are "through the courtesy of Fred's
} two feet."  This is stupid, I admit, but no worse that "All I wanna
} do is a zoomzoomzoom and a boom boom."
}
} Those are NOT, however, the original lyrics.  The were first
} "through the courtesy of ABC."  ABC network originally aired the
} show.  When ABC dropped it, Hanna-Barbara changed the lyrics,
} obstensibly because ABC no longer had the show, but in reality
} because ABC decided that the whole song was pretty damn dumb.
}
} Some other intersting factoids about the Flintstones:
}
} Elvis died much earlier than reported.  In later years, Fred donned
} a white jumpsuit and impersonated Elvis so well that everyone
} thought he was the real thing.
}
} Barney is actually Paul Williams.
}
} Fred knocked up Betty once in a touching and poignant episode
} concerning abortion, life, women's rights, and racism, but ABC
} decided to air the episode where Fred becomes a rock star instead.
}
} Dino later went on to a successful career playing giant monsters in
} Doug McClure movies.
}
} Bam-bam became a professional football player.  Pebbles, of course,
} is a singer now.
}
} Wilma died of a massive heroin overdose in 1975 after learning that
} professional wrestling is all fake.
}
} You owe the Oracle the pilot of the series.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #522
***************************************