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From [e-mail]  Sun Apr 19 15:43:11 1992
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From: [e-mail] (Richard Kulawiec)
Posted-Date: Sun, 19 Apr 92 15:42:57 EDT
Message-Id: <[e-mail]>
To: [e-mail]
Subject: Satellite of Love News #20
Status: OR

From: [e-mail] (Mike White)
Subject: MST3K Input for SOL news

There's a movie called "It Came From Hollywood" that's been around for a
number of years.  I'd seen it before, but never made the connection with
MST3K.  It was on over the weekend, thought, and the similarity to MST really
jumped out at me.  It's a series of clips from old "B" movies, and folks like
John Candy, Dan Ackroyd, and Gilda Radner trash them pretty much in the misty
manner.  They also do skits that are takeoffs on the movies.  As this movie
predates MST3K by a number of years, I think we should recognize it as a true
progenator of our favorite cable show.

Mike

From: [e-mail]
Subject: Origin of quote from previous issue

   One quote was mentioned in the last issue that wasn't identified:
"I can't turn it off, I don't know how it works...". This is, I
believe an adaptation from _The Wizard of Oz_ where the wizard
accidentally takes off in the balloon and says "I can't come back,
I don't know how it works".

From: John Burrows <[e-mail]>
Subject: Re: Satellite of Love News #17

Dear MST3K guys:

I just read #17 and enjoyed it.  When I advised some of you to get a life last
time I wrote the list, I hope you know I meant it only in the loving sense of
Valentine's Day.

My crappy VCR ate my copy of Master Ninja, so I've been on Prozac for a little
while now.  No side effects except every now and then when I'm typing I (*&^%*^
$*^$EYTFUYG*&^%FR*^FYHJFUTREW*%^$ED*&^(*&^ ... excuse me.

My roommate out here in GRAD SCHOOL ** L.A. STYLE caught me watching MST3K the
other night and thought "It Conquered the World" was one of my student films.
I've since had him spanked.  I think he sort of enjoyed it ...

My little sister in Milwaukee wants me to ask when the next season will begin.

[ July, I believe.  See below. ---Rsk ]

Thanks,
John Burrows

From: Ed Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject: MST3000: "Klack Holiday Treats"

Here's the "Klack Holiday Treats" segment from "First Spaceship
On Venus."  The background music was titled "Klack Holiday Serenade."

"Klack Holiday Treats"
Tom:  And we'll be right back--after this message!
      Hi.  Ed Herlihy here, hoping you're enjoying tonight's
      Klack Festival Theatre presentation of "First Spaceship To Venus."
      You know, holiday season is the perfect time to enjoy Klack's
      Industrial Salad Ooze-based snacks and snippets, any time of the
      day or year.  Start the morning with a Technicolor yawn, by serving
      up piles of flabby Klack Leather Pancakes, dotted with Dicey Cocoa
      Stumps.  Kids can't resist the texture of Klack's Creamy Clotted
      Palm Spread, squeezed out on horsey biscuits, and don't forget the
      Sir Cheddar Snack-A-Lots, and top them with Jimmy Hats for a western
      round-up, and safe snacking.  And Moms--don't forget to serve the
      Clapper Club platters of Salamander Finger Witches, Creamy Crust
      Puppies, and hey--try a load of Taco Mincemeat Relish Parfait, served
      up in a tulip glass for that touch of elegance!  Uncle Bob's just out
      of the institution!  Celebrate with Skin Mittens, brightened up with
      gamey Forced Meat Stuffing, and don't forget those Polynesian Cheese
      Devils!  Then--pinch off some Klack Hanger-Crafted Cobra Coils to
      complement a Bastille Day buffet.  And lube up those Cooter Cakes with
      that incredibly edible, Spreadable Phlegm!  Watch Kitty's galvanic
      skin response shoot through the ceiling by wrapping him in Klack Wrap,
      and making her a festive centerpiece!  At lunchtime, light your hand
      on fire and plunge it into the traditional Gut Loaf Whistle Pie, just
      like Grampa used to do before they took him away!  And finally, dress
      your holiday table in style with a Gold-Roasted Mutant Hell-Beast,
      stuffed with Flesh Button Dressing, made fresh with Klack Salad Ooze,
      Cooter Croutons, and Grandmother's earlobes, always the best!  Accent
      with Creamy Crust Puppies, velvety Chill-It Balls, and of course a
      mug of holiday swill!  Remember, if you're incapable of showing emotion
      but know how to cook, Klack has the snack idea for you!  Mmm, mmm,
      mm-mm-mm!  And we'll be right back--after these messages!


Guessed-at words:  "Clapper" in "Clapper Club"
                   "Forced" in "Forced Meat Stuffing"
                   "Chill-It" in "Chill-It Balls"

--

Ed Hughes, SAS Institute  | "See no evil...well, maybe just a little...
Cary, NC                  |  yeah!"
                          | --Joel, "Women of the Prehistoric Planet,"
                          |          MST3000


From: Fear and Loathing in Cedar Falls <[e-mail]>
Subject: A look at Best Brains

Hello,
   I had the great pleasure of touring Best Brains this past week.  Pretty nice
time.  Got to meet Joel and the gang, inspect the set, and look throught he
huge stockpile of old inventions and props.  I even got the bag that they put
Ross the animal catcher\hater doll in.  Pretty neat-o.  I reccomend that anyone
who wnats to (and is in the Mnlps area) call up Best Brains and take the tour.
standing inside the SOL is one of the biggest rushes around.  I even yelled
commercial sign, hit the table and ran off.  By the way, the next season is
starting in July, in case anyone was in the dark.  I saw a few smidgets and it
looks pretty darn humorous (surprise, surprise).

from the desk of
Robert A. Williams, social deviant, driller killer ripping holes

From: sialis!quad.sialis.com![e-mail] (David Sandberg)
Subject: SOLN: MST3K, the Movie?

This was recently posted on rec.arts.tv - it was claimed to be a quote
from an unidentified newspaper.  I thought it might be of interest.  B-)

Originally-From: [e-mail] (frank.g.neves)
>    "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER" Movie: The boffo box office being done by
>    "Wayne's World" is turning up the heat on talk about a "Mystery
>    Science Theater 3000" movie, a project that has been kicking around
>    Hollywood for about a year now.
>
>    Word is that Paramount, which released "Wayne's World", is about to
>    sign a deal with Minneapolis-based Best Brains Group to develop a
>    feature version of their Comedy Central weekend cult hit about a lab
>    technician and his two robot pals who comment on bad movies they are
>    forced to watch while marooned in outer space.
>
>    Former Comedy Channel executive John Newton will produce with "MST3K"
>    producer Jim Mallon and Joel Hodgson, who produces and stars in "MST3K".

Well, what do you think, sirs?

--
        _ david sandberg _ [e-mail] _

"Well, we've stared at it... that oughta fix it!  Let's get outta here."
    - MST3K, "Rocketship XM"

From: [e-mail]
Subject: MST3K: Naughty, Naughty, Naughty, Naugty!

The Quack is back, fellow Mists!

Charles Jordan writes in SOL #16:
For some reason, the comments on the "risque" lines in MST3k affected me
deeply.  I'd like to compile a list of the dirty jokes or would-be dirty
jokes in MST3k.

Ask and ye shall receive!  I love the way shows which have attracted a
mostly young audience have recently been getting away with muder in the
sexual innuendo department; shows like MST3K, BeetleJuice, DarkWing, Mighty
Mouse, Tiny Toons, etc.  BUT, anyway on with the list.  The following are
mostly sexual allusions: jokes about breasts, homosexual themes, and phallic
allusions.  Under 18 not admitted:

THE PHANTOM CREEPS:
(Mong is getting into his chauffer's outfit, Dr. Zorka is putting on a suit)
Tom Servo: (As Lugosi) OK now, you be the chauffer.  We'll play that little
            game again.

(Dr. Zorka is putting on plastic gloves)
Crow: (As Mong) Uh, boss, I checked myself in the shower this morning. I'm
                fine.

(Dr. Zorka vanishes)
Crow: (As Lugosi) Now I'll go to Victoria's Secret!

(Zorka's belt backfires)
Crow: (As Lugosi) Burn the file on the electric dance belt.  And pick up my
       manhood; it's under the chair.

JUNGLE GODDESS:
(Reeves gently nudges Jungle Goddess, trying to wake her up)
Crow: Uh, honey, I'm ready again.

ROCKET ATTACK USA:
Spy: (speaking to woman) That's quite a set-up.
Joel: (as woman) They are nice, aren't they?

(Scene shows rockets being raised to vertical position)
Tom Servo: You guys get like this in the morning?  Yeah, me, too.

CATALINA CAPER:
"Have you checked out the new crop?"
Crow: My corn's as high as an elephant's eye!

(Tommy Kirk has his back to a rock as Creepy Girl gets dressed behind it.)
Crow: Hey, he's between a rock and a hard place!

ROBOT VS THE AZTEC MUMMY:
(In Aztec pyramid)
Crow: We're thinking of turning this into a rumpus room...for your rumpus.
Tom Servo: Speaking of rumpus,...there's Flora.

THE CRAWLING HAND:
(Girl lies down on bed, allowing her breasts to reach skyward)
Tom Servo: She IS smart!

DADDY-O:
(Said as girl takes off her coat, revealing how smart she is):
"No one's ever beaten him before!"
Tom Servo: Well, no one else has THESE!

GAMERA VS. GAOS:
Tom Servo: What does it take to get a yellow helmet around here?

GAMERA VS. BARAGON:
(Gamera is fighting with Baragon)
Crow: If you think about it as two guys in rubber suits it's really sad.

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS:
(Droppo in Santa Suit)
Tom Servo: Oh, no!  He's playing DRESS UP!
Joel: I almost feel like I shouldn't be watching.

(Newspaper jumps on scene)
Tom Servo: Village Voice?  Santa's outing?!  What?!

Tom Servo: And now for your viewing pleasure, some suggestive scenes of planes
           refueling.  Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

FUGITIVE ALIEN:
Ken: I don't want to die in the middle of nowhere!
Joel: I want to die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret!

"He's alive, all right!"
Joel: I got dibs!

(Captain Joe has Ken pinned down from behind)
Tom Servo: Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Narrator: [The Valnar leader] was ready to punish Ken mercilessly.
(Mita walks into scene)
Joel: Speaking of punishing mercilessly...Woah!

(Ken remembering chasing after Mita)
Joel: It's my turn to wear the nightgown!

(Cesarian Officer in cell looks inquisitively at Ken)
Tom Servo: Do you like me?  Do you find me pleasing?

(Mita realizes she can't kill Ken)
Tom Servo: (kisses Mita on her left breast)

GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER
(Robber realizes his gun is missing.  He quickly checks under the bed)
Crow: My neglege!

(Slave girl has escaped and is in the jungle)
Joel: (Looks down her cleavage)

Tom Servo: (continuing the motif of Godzilla being on the toilet)
            Hey, honey!  Come in here and talk to me!
Joel: Nooooo...

SNOW THRILLS:
Narrator: It's the greatest one man thrill in Jack Frost's show!
Joel: I can think of a better one...Forget I said that.

Narrator:And now for some shi thrills!
Crow: Sheep Thrills?!
Joel: Well, to each his own.

Crow: Yes, it's Prostitutes on Ice!

Crow: (on the Polar Bear Club) Let's talk about shrinkage, shall we?

IT CONQUERED THE WORLD:
Graves' wife: You wash and I'll wipe.
Tom Servo: Eh, heh heh...
Crow: ...No, no.

Graves: That bike's built for the spanking size.
Tom Servo: Oh, it's his wife's bike.

Crow: (on Manuel, who's gone looking from chickens) You just can't keep that
       guy away from the farm animals.

MR. B NATURAL:
Joel: Is this Liberace's MOM?

Joel: Mr. B, you're HOT!

Joel: Y'know, I think Oscar Wilde only WISHED he was This gay.

Buzz's Mom: Uh, Buzz...
Crow: Uh, this time don't make so much noise when you read.

Mr. B Natural: Do I look funny?
Joel: You look HOT!

Mr. B Natural: When you played that music to make you feel better, I got your
               message!  You awakened me!
Tom Servo: You mean I'm attracted to guys now?

Buzz: You mean you've been in my room watching me all that time?
Joel: You've seen me do EVERYTHING?

Mr. B Natural: A boy talking like that!  Blasphemy!
Joel: Spanking Time!

Mr. B Natural: (Leaning forward) Look here, boy.
Tom Servo: (startled) D'heh!

Tom Servo: Oh, excuse me, sexless Man-Woman!

Mr. B Natural: You gotta inspect your horn, boy!
Crow: And wash it every day!

(Man is rubbing his hand on a horn to check if the surface is smooth)
Crow: Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!  That feels GO-O-O-OOD!

WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST:
General: (Late for dinner) Sorry I'm long.
Crow: Braggar.

(During the experiment to give Glenn back his memory)
Joyce: Let me try!  GLENN!!
Crow: Remember THESE?

POD PEOPLE:
"Good?  He's the best!"
Joel: Guys, we'll leave it at that.

Tommy's Mom: Tommy?  Can you hear me?
Tom Servo: Can you feel me near you?

ROCKETSHIP XM:
"It's been a long time.  A long time for two men to work together."
Tom Servo and Crow: Ahem, Ahem (whistle, whistle)

(Girl crewmember straining under the pressure of rocket liftoff)
Joel: It's GRE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EAT!!!

Crow: So I sing you to sleep, after the lovin'.

RING OF TERROR:
Big guy: See there?  36 inches!!
Tom Servo: Good.  Now about your waist.

There it be.  If it's any indication of how my mind works, I drew all these
from memory.  Man, I gotta lay off the 'shrooms.
Tom Servo: Lay off the 'shrooms...lay off the 'shrooms...

Later, John D. "The Quack" Shull

From: [e-mail]
Subject: mst3k - What's with the clown?

First, I would like to thank rsk for a most triumphant mailing list.

Secondly, let me start out by saying that I am a new, but devoted fan
of MST3K. Godzilla vs. Megalon had me on the floor, literally, last
night.  (But I still think King Dinasaur is my favorite - "And they
left with love in their hears and fiery death in the sky").

Anyway, one of the references Joel and the 'bots keep on coming back
to is this damned clown thing.  It seems like every episode that they
make a clown reference. WHere does it come from????

Thirdly, or I guess fourthy, can someone post a listin of all the
episodes thus far (I'd wait for a faq list, but is there one???)

[ Yup, there is; I'm sending you a copy. ---Rsk ]

Thanks,
John Stewart
[e-mail]

From: [e-mail] (A FROOD WHO SURE KNOWS WHERE HIS TOWEL IS)
Subject: MST3K drink stuff

I know there has been some thoughts from random people mentioning a possible
drinking game for MST3K. If there is no project underway, I would be more than
happy to take on the responsibility of such a project. I first want to know
if anyone is working on some sort of game so that I don't waste time.
Any suggestions other than what I currently have thought up would be considered.
A copy of this post will be sent to the newsletter.
Thanx.
T.

From: [e-mail] (...And it hardly ever blows up anymore.)
Subject: PostScript sign for MST'ers

A friend of mine, who should be requesting a submission to the list soon,
made this sign for our MST Fests, that we hold every Friday night.  This
should be very familiar to anyone who's seen Pod People.

Real Creator = [e-mail]
CUT HERE----------------------------------------------------

%!
%%Title: mst3k.fig
%%Creator: f2ps
%%CreationDate: Tue Mar 17 20:29:28 1992
%%For: lightnin@wpi (Derek G Bacon,DeityCo,8315483,7917937)
%%Pages: 1
%%BoundingBox: 74 396 537 510
%%EndComments
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%%EndProlog
$F2psBegin
0.000000 792.000000 translate 0.900 -0.900 scale
612 0 translate 90 rotate
/fn2.20 /Times-Bold findfont 22.222222 scalefont def
fn2.20 setfont
(Rachel...) dup stringwidth pop 2 div 439 exch sub 99 moveto 1 -1 scale show 1 -1 scale
/fn2.40 /Times-Bold findfont 44.444444 scalefont def
fn2.40 setfont
(John-Boy...) dup stringwidth pop 2 div 439 exch sub 197 moveto 1 -1 scale show 1 -1 scale
/fn2.100 /Times-Bold findfont 111.111111 scalefont def
fn2.100 setfont
(Chief...) dup stringwidth pop 2 div 439 exch sub 360 moveto 1 -1 scale show 1 -1 scale
/fn3.165 /Times-BoldItalic findfont 183.333333 scalefont def
fn3.165 setfont
(McCloud!) dup stringwidth pop 2 div 439 exch sub 596 moveto 1 -1 scale show 1 -1 scale
showpage
$F2psEnd

END HERE----------------------------------------------------

-lightnin
 ("The movie Pod People didn't have this much fog" - me during The Slime
People)

Derek G Bacon        | "But his bosses didn't like him, so they shot him into
[e-mail] |  space."     - MST3K Love Theme

From: Desi The Three-Armed Wonder Comic <[e-mail]>
Subject: MST3K: consider yourself lucky.

>[ I had not heard that CC might become a subscription service; I certainly
>hope not, but I would pay for it and drop HBO. ---Rsk ]

Ho ho ho.  Out here in the Santa Cruz County area of California, not
only is it a subscription channel, but you can't get it on its own.

[ripple fade/dream sequence effect]

In the not too distant past
some saturday AM ...
a cable operator called me up and offered me this lovely `showcase'
package featuring HBO, AMC, Encore, Comedy Central and some sports
thingie for $16/month.  I said, `sure.' (Hint: call before 11 AM on
saturdays if you want to sell me something.)

Fortunately, I saw the magic phrase `MST3K' on the net enough to prod
me into trying to watch it.  Good choice.

So, we moved to a new house, and I wanted to keep Comedy for watching
MST3K but dump the rest.  No can do.  Bend over and get reamed,
basically.  You can have the showcase package that I've got now or the
deluxe showcase which has even more useless shit and costs well over
twice as much.

My friend in San Francisco (actually Albany which is right next to
Berkeley) gets it for free as part of his basic service.  In fact,
he's got to pay extra for stuff like Nickelodeon and MTV, which we get
for free.  Go figure.

My favorite MST3K episode is Master Ninja II.  I thought I'd throw up
from laughing so hard.  My housemate and I quote from it
incessenantly.  Some of my favorite lines:

``Damn, and I just injected him with blowfish poison.''
``Akeeba.  Huzzah.''  (delivered in perfect deadpan... wow.)
``It's a cigarette lighter AND a flamethrower!''
``I used to be Bond... James Bond.  Now I'm in movies... Bad Movies.''
``Tetris: for Game Boy.''
``Michael, this is KITT, I need to be on the set of St Elsewhere by 4.''

Jon Drukman (finely honed machine)              uunet!sco!jondr   [e-mail]

From: [e-mail] (Joshua Tsui)
Subject: SOLN - Rocky sighting!!!

I rented "Tampopo" over the weekend (a great film about food and sex).  It
involves one storyline that is interrupted by several short skits.  One of
the skits involves japanese businessmen who can't order from a French menu.
 One of the men is none other than Rocky from "Fugitive Aliens 1&2!!

He plays a businessman with a very strange facial tic.  He was great!!  He
looks older now, how long ago were the Fugitive Aliens made?

Is MST3K gonna show any more episodes?

JOSHUA TSUI

From: Ed Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject: MST3000: Corrections to quote list

I noticed two pretty big mistakes in the otherwise great quote list.

1. Incorrect quote, from "Catalina Caper":
"Meanwhile, in the darkness and void, Jean-Paul Sartre was a-movin' and
 a-groovin'."
        --- Crow

Correct quote:
Crow: Meanwhile, in a dark, impenetrable void, Jean-Paul Sartre was
      a-movin' and a-groovin'!
Tom:  "No Exit," baby!

2. Incorrect quote, from "Earth vs. the Spider":
"I drive a truck, I'm butt ugly, and I'm about to be eaten by a spider ..."
        --- Tom Servo, "Earth vs. the Spider"

Correct quote:
"Let me tell you a little bit about myself.  I drive a truck,
 I'm butt ugly, and I hate spiders."

--

Ed Hughes, SAS Institute  | "See no evil...well, maybe just a little...
Cary, NC                  |  yeah!"
                          | --Joel, "Women of the Prehistoric Planet,"
                          |          MST3000

From: [e-mail] (Johnny B! )
Subject: MST3K hits me right in my theology

I was watching Cave Dwellers the other day, and came across this
little exchange:

Ator: "Man's destiny is always predetermined."

Tom Servo: "Always a Calvinist..."

..Well I thought it was _hilarious_.  :)

John Bolhuis
[e-mail]    <---that's Calvin College

From: Diane Alexander <[e-mail]>
Subject: MST3K -- Friday showing?

Greetings!

I'm new to the MST3K list & have enjoyed reading the
SOLN back issues.  My husband, Chuck, and & have recently
become hooked on the show. Our cable company picked up
Comedy Central not too long ago & we stumbled upon MST3K.
I've a couple of questions for you veteran MiSTies out there:

I saw in TV Guide & in SOLN that MST3K is shown on
Fridays at 10:00 a.m. Imagine my chagrin when I
discovered that I had recorded a colorized version of
"McHale's Navy" and an Alan King talk show. BUMMER. I did
manage to record it at 12:30, but what a let-down. We were
all geeked up for an MST3K fest on Fri. night! Did they
change the time? Do they really show it twice? Could my
cable co. be the culprit (they claim no.) Was it all a
horrible mistake?  Sheesh...If you can't trust TV Guide, who
can you trust??!!

[ It looks like MST3K is no longer on at 10 AM Fridays, folks; luckily,
the Friday late-night slot is still active. ---Rsk ]

My second question is technical--Are the torches by door #3
actually flaming Reach toothbrushes? Chuck noticed it on
Saturday & we were just curious.

[ Hmmm...y'know, they sure could be!  Does anyone know for sure? ---Rsk ]

Thanks in advance!

Diane Alexander
[e-mail]

"Sister that dress is headed for trouble and it's taking you
it."--Crow, MST3K

From: [e-mail] (Z.M.O.T.E.M.F.)
Subject: MST3K & Dennis Miller

I haven't written for a while, so I just wanted to say
AAAAAAARRRRGH!

There was a Fugitive Alien II and I missed it!

Actually, I was in an Amazing Stores in Danbury and saw actual original
videotapes of Fugitive Alien II and Mighty Jack for five bucks... I almost
bought them, but decided I want the "real" thing.

Also, in case anybody didn't notice, Dennis Miller said in TV Guide that he
was a "big fan" of MST3K. Now... I had the idea that if everyone on the
newsletter gave a ring to Miller's "voice mail" line on his talk show, and
asked him nicely that since he's such a fan, why doesn't he have some of
the guys on his talk show?... maybe he'll do it. At least it'll freak him
out...

Of course, this assumes Hodgson, Beaulieu, Murphy, Conniff et al haven't
already been contacted and turned down the offer, preferring to work hard on
season 4 so we can see some new episodes...

Anyways, I just thought it was cool that someone way high up in the
entertainment industry was a Misty... Now, if I could only remember the
voice mail number...

'Sall for now...

Bryan Lambert
([e-mail] <I think>)

"Looks like your monster reads Frost." -Joel
"Yeah, and he sprays it like icy death from his bloody stumps!" - Crow

From: [e-mail] (Leila Thomas)
Subject: mst3k episode Master Ninja

I understand you have a newsletter for MST 3000.  I am interested in
obtaining a copy of the episode Master Ninja.  It had Dick Durock in
it.  Alternatively, if you would give me the dates and names of titles
so I could watch or tape it would be nice.

If you know of any other times Dick Durock might have been on, I would
appreciate you letting me know.

Leila

[ Can anyone help her out?  If so, please drop her a line. ---Rsk ]

From: [e-mail] (jenkins lisa)
Subject: MST3K -- fanzine

Hello!  My name is Lisa Jenkins, and I was pushed and shoved into the
electronic network kicking and screaming (in glee)!  My work here on the e-
mail is to accomplish a certain task--to put together a fanzine for MST3K.

My project will be in print format as I wish to reach all fans everywhere,
including those terribly deprived people who just don't know nothin' 'bout no
e-mail !  (It's also because I want to include hand-drawn art and cartoons
which so many fans seem to do so much of.)

To begin with my project, I need help getting submissions.  I would like to
create a fanzine which would appeal to the occasional fan as well as the
seriously committed /or really ought to be :-)/.  This means that FAQs of some
extent will be covered along with, I hope, original attempts in the "universe"
of MST3K.

Another part I was considering was to include lyrics to some of the song
sketches.  So many have already done so much of that, that I wish to ask
permission from these people to use what they have transcribed (and on e-mail,
why re-type it?).

The following people have submitted lyrics to musical skits done on the
_Satellite of Love_ (I may have missed some; please inform me of any I do not
have listed which may be good to use, too).  I would like to ask your
permission to use the material you transcribed.  Yes, you will get credit for
your work and quite possibly a *FREE!* (or almost *FREE!*) copy of the fanzine
when it is published.  Send replies to my e-mail address.  If you can't send
replies there, you may PostSnail me.  (This is to help keep poor RSK's mail
load down--poor guy!)

Here they are with the issue they appeared in, who from, and what the heck
they did:

    Subject: Satellite of Love News #3

    From: Johnny Klonaris <[e-mail]>
    Date: Fri, 6 Sep 91 13:15:05 PDT
    Subject: Wild Rebels

    Subject: Satellite of Love News #4

    From: Lynn-Anne Friese <[e-mail]>
    Date: Fri, 13 Sep 91 12:17:45 CDT
    Subject: "Commando Cody: Enemy Planet" lyrics

    Subject: Satellite of Love News #5

    From: <[e-mail]>
    Date: Tue, 29 Oct 91 12:04 EDT
    Subject:  MST3K Hike Up Song

    Subject: Satellite of Love News #8

    From: [e-mail] (Ed Hughes)
    Date: Tue, 5 Nov 91 08:59:18 EST
    Subject: "Pants Up" corrections

    Subject: Satellite of Love News #12

    From: [e-mail] (Montykins)
    Date: Sun, 22 Dec 91 22:28:54 PST
    Subject: MST3K and suchlike stuff ["A Patrick Swayze Christmas"]

    Subject: Satellite of Love News #13

    From: [e-mail] (Ed Hughes)
    Date: Tue, 7 Jan 92 14:54:57 EST
    Subject: Christmas opening segment

    Subject: Satellite of Love News #14

    From: [e-mail]
    Date: Sat, 11 Jan 92 17:53:35 EST
    Subject: MST3K:Heeeere's TIBBY!

    From: [e-mail]
    Date: Wed, 15 Jan 92 17:20:14 EST
    Subject: Creepy Girl, etc.

    Subject: Satellite of Love News #15

    From: [e-mail]
    Date: Sat, 25 Jan 1992 06:47:48 GMT
    Subject: The Sandy Frank Song

    From: aminet![e-mail] (Keith Barrett)
    Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 10:33:17 EST
    Subject: Wienerman Song


Still with me?  Good.  There's more.

I am trying to compile some FAQs mostly for those who really don't know what
the heck MST3K is or at least a good reference for those "serious" enough.  I
am compiling a handy-dandy list of useful things you always wanted to know
(but were afraid to ask).  Included are phrases like "Movie Sign," "Push the
button," and even the more obscure "File this."  And while I'm at it, I might
as well make a character list.  I'd appreciate any help I can get in compiling
these.

[I'll send you the FAQ. ---Rsk ]

I'm also interested in seeing some *fiction* concerning our ever-so-humble
characters.  What does Joel do between movies?  Why doesn't Joel just
dismantle those loud-mouthed @#$%&*!!!! robots and put the "special parts"
back--at least he'd get some peace and quiet :-)!  (I'm so facetious--and
that's when I'm in a *good* mood?!)  How did Dr. Forrester *really* go mad?
How *does* Joel eat and breathe?  Why are we born?  Why do we die?  Why do we
spend so much time in-between wearing digital watches?  (Oops!  Wrong show.)

Did I mention art?

Now that I've bitten more than I can chew, I'd like to hear from you.

Keep circulating the e-mail!

Lisa [e-mail]
1603 Thirteenth Street South
Moorhead, Minnesota (!!) 56560-3734
(Wrong side of the state, though.)

From: [e-mail] (jenkins lisa)
Subject: MST3K -- Mademoiselle article

[ I'm not sure what to think about M'selle covering this, so I'll
just note that I'm surprised. ---Rsk ]

From: Mademoiselle
Date: February 1992
Headline: Movies from Outer Space
Subline: Think bad movies are hell on Earth?  You're not alone
Photo: Joel Hodgson and [robot] friends [l-r Gypsy, Crow and Servo]
Author: Rosenbaum, Ron
Pages: 54-55, 60

WARNING!: Includes stupid MiSTy comments by typist! :-)

This is an unauthorized reprint.

Well, I've finally joined a movie cult.  Or maybe it's an antimovie cult.  But
it's definitely a cult.  Because it offers those of us who are initiates both
the secret of happiness and a profound truth about the human condition.
[SPOILER!! The answer is 42. ldj]

It's call _Mystery Science Theater 3000_.  Laugh if you will; I did at first--
before I discovered the profound truth beneath the laughter.  On the surface,
MST3K, as it's referred to by initiates, is a two-hour TV show devoted to the
absolute worst, cheesiest, sleaziest, stupidest, shlockiest [sic] movies ever
made by man.  [And some of them were made by Sandy Frank. ldj]  Ranging from
sub-sub-sub-_Godzilla_ Japanese horror films (like the infamous _Gamera_
series, which features a gigantic rocket-powered box turtle with really bad
teeth, and jet engines situated in his butt) [That must hurt! ldj] to
incredibly lame U.S. products like _Teenage Caveman_, _The Slime People_ and
_It Conquered the World_.  These are films that make the notorious Golden
Turkey Award--winner _Plan 9 From Outer Space_ seem as nuanced and
sophisticated as Ingmar Bergman's _Persona_.

But MST3K doesn't merely show these films; it doesn't merely deconstruct them
(although it certainly does that); it has generated an entirely new comic-art
form based upon the disintegrating corpus of the world's worst horror films.
[Yeah, I can see--*huh*? ldj]

I have to admit, I didn't quite get it at first.  [Oh, really? ldj]  One day
while I was channel-surfing, ["Everybody's gone surfin'--surfin' USA!" Like,
do you just hang five on this one, or do you use your feet? ldj] I landed on
Comedy Central [Ouch! ldj] and found myself transfixed by what seemed to be
the cheapest, stupidest science-fiction film I'd ever seen: _Rocketship X-M_.

I came upon it in midpassage at the point where the rocket men (and women)
[Don't forget the women! ldj] from Earth first encounter the Martians on the
Red Planet--primitive-looking bald dwarfs with bad skin, who make confusing
signals to the Earthmen.  [*Don't forget the women!!* ldj]

Suddenly, from offscreen, a voice called out, "Cheese it!  It's an entire race
of *mimes*.  We've got to get back and *warn Earth*!"  There followed a
nonstop stream of sarcastic, ridiculing remarks directed at the movie
emanating from three small figures silhouetted at the bottom of the screen,
sitting in what looked like movie-theater seats, as if they were in a
screening room and we were watching them watching the movie.  [Good work,
Sherlock. ldj]

What was this?  [Uh, I though *you* told *us*! ldj]  Why did two of the
figures at the bottom of the screen look like Toys "R" Us robots, yet still
seem to possess a vast repertoire of incredibly hip, sophisticated pop-culture
and literary references at the tips of their tongues?  [Which I obviously do
not have. ldj]

I had to leave before I could figure it out.  [No comment. ldj]  But what I'd
seen was so fresh, funny and inventive, I kept searching the Comedy Central
schedule, dodging the stand-up bores, [Don't tell Hodgson that! ldj] before I
found MST's fairly irregular schedule (Friday and Saturday mornings at 10 A.M.
and Saturday evenings at 7 P.M.).  [That sounds pretty regular to me. ldj]

Still, I hadn't figured the whole premise of the thing out until [you listened
to the theme song? ldj] I happened to bring it up at dinner with a group of
writers.  One of them, a poet and novelist, told me about the rapidly growing
cult surrounding _Mystery Science Theater_.  She'd been introduced to it by a
group of "splatter punk" science-fiction writers [No comment. ldj] who avidly
traded tapes of MST3K, and she finally explained the premise of the show.
[After you had rattled on for hours! ldj]

"See," she said, [Good beginning! ldj] "this guy Joel is being punished for
some obscure crime on Earth, [Is this true? ldj] and his punishment is he's
shot into space on this rickety satellite and forced to watch the worst
horror films ever made on the planet while these evil scientists from Earth
monitor his reactions.  And he's so miserable up there, he creates these two
robot friends, Crow and Tom Servo, to watch with him and ridicule the films.
You know how everybody loves to sit around and make fun of old movies, but
this is like doing it with three friends who just happened to be the hippest,
smartest, funniest people you'd ever meet, [And I'm not one of them. ldj] like
having these droll post-modern Marx Brothers in your living room."  That alone
would be enough to make MST3K the object of cult worship, sure.  That and the
fact that its creators have succeeded in devising what cultural historians
will ultimately come to regard as the emblematic new comic-art form of the
era, a hybrid form that brilliantly reverses the power relationship between
spectator and spectacle in the cinema experience.  [Oh, sure I--*huh*? ldj]
After years of vitimization by bad art, it's pay-back time, and MST3K, or _The
Revenge of the Million-Eyed Audience_, becomes the horror movie to end all
horror movies.  [So why do they keep making them, huh? ldj]

But in fact, there's more to it than that.  The appeal of MST3K, the reason
it's attracted a growing cult of viewers, goes deeper than that.  [So what the
hell is it?! ldj]  The real source of its appeal, I'm convinced, [Get on with
it! ldj] is that the conceptual framework of the show is a profound metaphor
for the human condition.  [And I just thought it was funny. ldj]  Poor Joel's
predicament--marooned on a disintegrating satellite, [And I heard it wasn't in
very good shape when it launched, either. ldj] condemned to watch dreadful
horror movies--mirrors our existential predicament as humans: trapped on a
decaying satellite (Earth), condemned for an obscure crime (Original Sin?  Our
corrupt hearts of darkness?) [Oh, Ghod. ldj] to be helpless spectators to the
unending [so's this drivel. ldj] series of bad horror movies that is our
reality, our bloody history.  A tragic predicament to which the only sane
response is derisive humor directed at whomever scripted it.  The only
consolation is the kind of communal solace we gain from the mockery we make
[of you. ldj] together of the ludicrously bad scripts of fate in which we're
all entrapped.  [And you're up to *here* in it. ldj]  That's my opinion,
anyway.  [And this is mine! ldj]

In a way, it's akin to what we all went through watching the Clarence Thomas
hearings--watching them alone was too awful, but if you had friends to watch
with, whether in person or on the phone, to kibitz and share the feeling of
outrage and absurdity, to talk back to John Doggett, it made the badly
scripted reality of the hearing more bearable.  [I just shut off the TV.  You?
ldj]

Who are the people behind the MST3K phenomenon?  [You know, I was wondering
when you'd be getting to that...! ldj]  The creator and the guy who plays the
character Joel trapped on the Satellite of Love (as he derisively refers to
it) is Joel Hodgson.  He's a young guy who started out as a stand-up comic in
L.A., was discovered by former NBC programming guru Brandon Tartikoff, thrown
into a lot of network specials (he even was creative consultant for a
Superbowl halftime show) [Contest! Name which one! ldj] and then suddenly fled
Hollywood for Minnesota where, in the tiny town of Eden Prairie, [No comment.
ldj] he and a gifted crew of writers and actors (among them Mike Nelson, Kevin
Murphy, Trace Beaulieu and Frank Conniff) spend their lives sorting through
the world's worst movies in order to turn them into MST3K episodes.

When I reached them one morning recently by phone out there in Eden Prairie
[Is it me, or does this guy write like a mid-westerner? ldj] studio of Best
Brains, Inc., they were just putting the finishing touches on their version of
_Santa Claus Conquers the Martians_.

After a few preliminary questions, [Hi. How are you? How are the kids? How's
the weather? How do you eat and breathe? ldj] I plunged right into my theory
about why MST3K was a P.M.F.H.C. [Oh, my Ghod. ldj] (profound metaphor for the
human condition), the whole bit about the reality of our history being like a
bad horror film, etc.  Their response was, predictably, sarcastic:  [CROW:
"Like, are you crazy, man, or what?!" ldj]

"Oh, wow!" said one.

"That's really *heavy*," said another.

"I think I'm *crying*," said a third.

["I think I'm *dying*," laughed ldj.]

Nonetheless, on a less metaphysical plane, [Where they run out of those little
peanuts and nobody really cares because they're too salty anyway and have
probably been around for years so who cares? ldj] Hodgson did acknowledge that
there was an underlying, serious, satiric vision behind MST3K.  He said it was
[to make money. ldj] addressed to the mentality behind these films--"to the
white-male reality from the fifties," the peculiar kind of smug dumbness that
infuses _Jungle Goddess_, _Women of the Prehistoric Planet_ and _Viking Women
and the Sea Serpent_.  [And the present-day male syndrome. ldj]

In fact, lately the MST3K crew has taken to going beyond the horror genre for
vehicles to ridicule, and has been doing schlocky '50s and '60s youth-movie
classics like _Daddy-O_ and _Side Hackers_ (the latter truly one of the
clumsiest, most half-baked things ever to be filmed by anyone) [And is it true
you want to hack your side after viewing it? ldj].  And they've also taken on
some creaky antiquated "educational" short subjects as curtain raisers for the
main attraction.  One recent one [One gets the feeling one needs one nice
square kick-- ldj] --a '40s-era film promoting Home Economics majors for
college students--was, inadvertently, a kind of horror film even more chilling
than the blatant beast-monster movies.  The horror here was in the smug,
condescending, unbearably circumscribed vision of what the limits of women's
lives were not so long ago.  [You tell 'em, Ron! ldj]

Anyway, after the initial rocky start, [Which obviously had nothing to do with
your P.M.F.H.C.--profound madness for the horribly conceivable). ldj] we got
into an animated discussion of the aesthetics of badness.  [Where he learned
that Trace draws great caricatures while his own drawings suffered from very
large word balloons. ldj]

"You sit there watching this awful, stilted, pretentious stuff and yet you
realize this is someone's *crystalline vision*."  [I better not touch that
one. ldj]

"That's the true horror?" I ask, [No, but I don't think you're ready for that
one, yet. ldj] "the sincerity of belief in something so bad?"

"That's 'The horror!  The horror!'" another responds, quoting, apparently,
from the climax of _Heart of Darkness_.  [Why, yes, he is! ldj]

They start to cite some of their favorite auteurs of badness, including Bert
I. Gordon, director of _King Dinosaur_ and the classic _The Amazing Colossal
Man_.  ("*Very* sincere," says Joel.)  They cite Robert Lipper, producer of
the astonishing bad _Rocketship X-M_.  They recall lamest monster (the "killer
shrews" from [what else? ldj] _The Killer Shrews_--"basically dogs with
papier-mache heads").

Talking with them, you begin to get the feeling that the amazing baroque
diversity of the badness they've been witness to is a perverse tribute to the
human spirit, the continued *inventiveness* of the badness being brought
forth, a kind of inspiring marvel in itself.  [Especially after talking with
*you*. ldj]

"There's just no bottom for bad movies," [And bad writing. ldj] Joel says
happily.

More than anything, I was impressed by the MST crew's ability [to put up with
me. ldj]--after so many, many thousands of hours of badness [And the
authorities still haven't picked them up. ldj] --to summon fresh reserves of
outrage and wonder at the hideous spectacles they subvert on our behalf.
That's what makes them great [they're "gods"! ldj] --that combination of
outrage, wonder and wit.  [I'm outraged at the wonder they still have their
wit. ldj]  I have a feeling I'm going to be laughing at my MST tapes for the
rest of my life.  [And they'll be laughing right back *at* you, kid. ldj]


Sorry about all the rude, nasty /boring/ comments, but I just couldn't help
myself!  :-)

From: [e-mail] (jenkins lisa)
Subject: MST3K - article from UMinn paper

I pulled the following article down off of University of Minnesota's gopher
computer network.  (To check out the neat stuff on this system, type the
following:)

telnet consultant.micro.umn.edu
sign on as gopher


From: Minnesota Daily (U of M paper)
Date: August 18, 1989
Headline: Bachelor of Comedy
Author: Burns, Lisa
Page: 4 A&E

This is an unathorized reprint.

Most college students after their first year are still unsure as to what they
want to pursue as a career.  Not true with 18 year old U of M student Josh
Weinstein, who for the past three years has been performing stand up comedy.

Featured at Scott Hansen's Comedy Galleries, the Ha Ha Club, and on the
regional comedy club circuit, Weinstein's performances are part of his pursuit
of an Individualized Studies degree in what else?  comedy.

"I always knew I'd be a performer of some kind," Weinstein says as he fidgets
with his salad at the Ediner in Calhoun Square.  In high school he did
musicals and admits he loved to ham it up in the spotlight.  He first tried
open stage night at the Ha Ha Club in January 1987.  Soon after, he moved to
the Comedy Gallery and since then Weinstein's progress has been steady.  The
first night he performed for Scott Hansen, owner of The Comedy Gallery, it was
at the Ha Ha Club with Hansen in the audience.  Weinstein wasn't scheduled to
go on that night, but Styx Kiley (then owner of the club), sent him on in
place of another performer specifically so Hansen would catch his act.

Weinstein says it's easy to remember that night, not just for the excitement,
but because the next day the Twins won the World Series.  So just as the Twins
scored a chapter in the sports books, Weinstein saw a glimpse of his own
chance for success.

Starting out young might have been more difficult if it had meant resisting
conventional parents but Weinstein doesn't have that problem; describing them
as "extraordinarily hip...(They) are much more concerned with a university
education, but they understand that this is something I want to do and can do.
They would understand if I had to take some time off if something happened
with my career."

Perhaps Weinstein's biggest influence has been his tutelage under local comedy
hero Joel Hodgson.  They met just as Hodgson was returning to perform after a
highly publicized retirement.  Weinstein, on the other hand, was just starting
out.  "I had always been a huge fan of his, so when we first met, I was pretty
star struck."

Weinstein says he took "Smartology" classes under Hodgson in March '87 and
shared the stage with him and other students in Hodgson's comeback show "Heavy
Leavity" the following June.  Today he appears with Hodgson and others on
Monday nights at the Riverplace Comedy Gallery.

Recently Weinstein also co starred on KTMA's _Mystery Science Theater 3000_
with Hodgson and Trace Beaulieu.  The show, which premiered Thanksgiving last
year, became a kind of cult hit among various audiences, but was put on hiatus
by KTMA due to Hodgson's schedule.  In it, Hodgson played a character
appropriately named Joel, sent to a space station by Dr. Lawrence Erhardt
(Weinstein) and Dr. Clayton Forrester (Beaulieu), two evil scientists who
forced him to watch bad Japanese science fiction movies.  To compensate for
his loneliness, Joel built robots to watch the movies with him.  Weinstein
played the robots Gypsy and Tom Servo while Beaulieu played the robot Crow.
The crew sat in the space station theater's front row and cut the movies to
pieces....

Last month, KTMA filed for bankruptcy, reorganizing the station's finances,
which puts _MST 3000_ in hiatus limbo. Jim Mallon, the show's producer at
KTMA, said, "It's the kind of show we would like to produce, but due to the
larger issues, we don't know when we could."  Until all the barriers have been
cleared, it is uncertain when Weinstein will again be able to play Gypsy and
Servo.

In his stage routine, Weinstein doesn't dwell on any one subject, but jumps
from bit to bit, allowing just enough time to get the laughs in.  Hard put to
define his act, he stalls for the right words.  "Ah, geez. I dunno.
Observational, commentative?  I try to expose things.  This is how people want
you to see something, but this is what they're really saying.  We don't always
see it because we're clouded by hype.  I don't think I'm a visionary, but I
look closer.  We accept things too easily...I can't characterize it.  Cynical,
observational?  A little angry, maybe, but I don't try to force it on anyone
else."

His act is definitely cynical, and yes, sometimes angry, though it doesn't
insult the audience or make you feel uncomfortable and he's there to make you
laugh.  In subject, Weinstein has fun with television commercials, cartoon
characters, his unfulfilled golf ambitions and our lack of cultural literacy.
He brings up his family and vacations and what it was like growing up Jewish.
Weinstein has killed audiences and died by them, but he still gets up and does
it again.

Weinstein recently returned from Chicago, where he performed at Catch a Rising
Star and Zany's.  He'll return to Chicago over the New Year's Eve weekend to
open at Catch a Rising Star.  "As far as I'm concerned, I will always be in
the business.  I know I don't want to work for a living."

From: [e-mail] (jenkins lisa)
Subject: MST3K -- Time magazine article

From: Time
Date: October 29, 1990
Headline: My In-Law, the Housefly
Subline: Off-the-wall comedy flourished in out-of-the-way places
Photo: Hodgson of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_: Movie heckling in outer
       space [Joel Hodgson leaping in space]
Author: Zoglin, Richard
Page: 95

This is an unauthorized reprint.

[...]

_Mystery Science Theater 3000_ has origins in the heartland as well: the show
began life on a Minneapolis UHF station before being picked up last November
by cable's Comedy Channel.  Crummy old movies (_Rocketship X-M_, _The Corpse
Vanishes_) are unspooled in their entirety, while three characters--one human
being and two gabby robots--offer wisecracking commentary at the bottom of the
screen.

It's the year's funniest prank.  The hecklers jeer at love scenes, hoot at
tacky special eff4ects and pounce on every dumb line.  Creator Joel Hodgson
and his colleagues throw in savvy technical references ("I think we just flew
throw a disolve," someone cracks during an airplane flight) along with a
torrent of smart-mouthed ad libs.  "How do we stand on fuel?" asks an onscreen
astronaut.  "I'm for it," comes the offscreen retort.  In the tense few
seconds before lift-off, a voice pipes up, "Did I leave the water running?"  A
scientist leans into a pair of earphones, trying to pick up a weak radio
signal; the invented line is "I can't see a thing."  Not since Woody Allen's
_What's Up Tiger Lily?_ has anyone had so much fun with bad movies.

[...]

From: [e-mail] (jenkins lisa)
Subject: MST3K -- article from People's Weekly

From: People's Weekly
Date: October 8, 1990
Headline: Picks & Pans
Author: Hiltbrand, David
Pages: 9-10

This is an unauthorized reprint.

[...]

_Mystery Science Theater 3000_
The Comedy Channel (Saturdays, 7 P.M. ET)

In the aultimate kick-off-your-sneakers and pour-yourself-a-cream-soda
diversion, two evil scientists want to study the effects of truly bad movies
on the human mind.  So they maroon poor, rumpled unassuming Joel Hodgson in
space and, week after week, force him to sit through Hollywood hell, black-
and-white stinkeroos along the lines of _The Phantom Creeps_, _The Crawling
Hand_, _Jungle Goddess_, _Corpse Vanishes_ and _Untamed Youth_.

Most of the series is devoted to the mothy matinee as Hodgson, a former stand-
up comic, and two robot friends watch with you.  They sit in silhouette in the
lower right-hand corner of your screen keeping up a running stream of heckling
and ironic make-believe dialogue.

The snide tone of the humor on MST3K, which began on a Minnesota UHF station,
isn't far removed from high school homeroom, but Hodgson is really God's
little wiseacre.  Grade: A-

[...]

From: [e-mail] (jenkins lisa)
Subject: MST3K -- looking for more articles

You may have noticed quite a number of articles I've recently plopped into the
SOLN.  Well, believe it or not, I'm looking for more!

I'm looking for the following articles:

Polskin, Howard.  "Can These Folks Tickle Your Funny Bone?"  _TV Guide_.  11
November 1989 (Vol 37, No 45), page 17 (3 pages).  [MST3K review.]

Borns, Betsy.  "The Seven Faces of Comedy."  _Interview_.  December 1984 (Vol
14), page 68 (9 pages).  [Joel Hodgson interview.]

If you can get your hands on these, I would appreciate if you could photocopy
them and PostSnail them to me or kindly type up our favorite bits and e-mail
them.  Ta!