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From rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu Tue Mar 31 18:44:06 1992
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Date: Tue, 31 Mar 92 18:43:50 EST
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec)
Posted-Date: Tue, 31 Mar 92 18:43:50 EST
Message-Id: <9203312343.AA02849@gynko.circ.upenn.edu>
To: rsk@aspen.circ.upenn.edu
Subject: Satellite of Love News #19
Status: OR
Here's part 2 (of 2) of the MST3K quotes/fortune file. See SOLN #18
for appropriate credits, comments, format, etc.
---Rsk
From: synth@dreamtime.unm.edu (Synth F. Oberheim)
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 92 16:14:49 MST
Subject: The SOL "Kitchen Sink" Quote File! [Part 2 of 2]
%%
"It's an orbiting garden weasel! And an orbiting space ferret."
--- Crow, "Moon Zero Two"
%%
"I'm here for the Gumby wedding!"
--- Crow, "Moon Zero Two"
%%
"Some are more foreign than others, velvet-head!"
--- Crow, "Moon Zero Two"
%%
Yeah, yeah, sure--don't you have to go make some Elfin cookies?
--- Crow
She looks like an Oompa-Loompa!
--- Tom, "Moon Zero Two"
%%
"Hey, it looks like Liza Minelli and Lola Falana had a garage sale!"
--- Crow "Moon Zero Two"
%%
"Fourth floor--tyrannical tycoons, loose women."
--- Tom, "Moon Zero Two"
%%
"Looks like these guys got suited up for a Foosball game!"
--- Crow, "Moon Zero Two"
%%
"In space, no one can hear you *yawn*."
--- Crow, "Moon Zero Two"
%%
Ooh, he gave him a snuggie!
--- Tom
In space, no one can hear a wedgie!
--- Crow, "Moon Zero Two"
%%
"Never trust a man with a collar made of Shinyl Vinyl."
--- Joel, "Moon Zero Two"
%%
Cat fight!
--- Joel
Trollop fight!
--- Tom, "Untamed Youth"
%%
I'm only interested in stuff that makes my head look bigger!
--- Joel
He looks like Dick Tracy! Another twenty years, he'll look like Boss Hogg.
--- Tom, "Untamed Youth"
%%
Nice set!
--- Tom
Yeah, nice radio too!
-- Crow
Oh, you!
--- Tom, "Untamed Youth"
%%
"Pretty articulate for a slop cook!"
--- Joel, "Untamed Youth"
%%
I think she's gonna incite a riot!
--- Joel
Hey, someone get some animal tranquilizers!
--- Crow, "Untamed Youth"
%%
"She uses more peroxide in her hair than an entire M*A*S*H unit!"
--- Crow, "Untamed Youth"
%%
"OK, so tell me something and be honest. Do I really look like
Col. Tom Parker?"
--- Crow, "Untamed Youth"
%%
Who is the greaser behind the, ah, manure spreader? Looks like James Dean.
--- Joel
Looks more like Jimmy Dean--"Rebel Without a Sausage."
--- Tom, "Untamed Youth"
%%
"Oh, the little punk hit me with a Nerf ball!"
--- Tom, "Untamed Youth"
%%
This is what deputies do?
--- Tom
I think so. Only they're usually parked at a Mister Donut doing it.
--- Joel
Hey--MTV! Mexican Television!
--- Crow, "Untamed Youth"
%%
She's got neat underwear in this one!
--- Joel
Nice diaper! They're Huggies, all right!
--- Tom, "Untamed Youth"
%%
"A playground where apes evolved from men?!"
--- Crow, "Posture Pals"
%%
"Their chances of being cool are ruined for life!"
--- Crow, "Posture Pals"
%%
"It's called 'guilt,' and boy does it work!"
--- Tom, "Appreciating Our Parents"
%%
"Tommy calls many men 'father!'"
--- Tom, "Appreciating Our Parents"
%%
"She's in what we call 'a rut!'"
--- Crow, "Appreciating Our Parents"
%%
"We're having cat today!"
--- Crow, "Appreciating Our Parents"
%%
"Mom? I translated a Beckett play this morning!"
--- Tom, "Appreciating Our Parents"
%%
From slacker to booster! Thanks, Tommy!
--- Tom
Thanks, Dad!
--- Joel
You dope!
--- Crow, "Appreciating Our Parents"
%%
"Well, would you like to sample our anti-depressant cart? We have
bleu cheese valium, Flintsones chewable Prozac, and William Styron tablets."
--- Crow, "The Unearthly"
%%
"Hey, isn't he the guy from Monopoly?"
--- Joel, "The Unearthly"
%%
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!"
--- Crow, "The Unearthly"
%%
"I'm glad others think for me!"
--- Tom, "The Unearthly"
%%
"'My Dinner with Andre' had more locations than this film!"
--- Crow, "The Unearthly"
%%
"It's like vaudeville in slow motion!"
--- Joel, "The Unearthly"
%%
Hey, they're gonna give her a nose like LaToya!
--- Joel
You mean "like Michael."
--- Crow
What's the diff?
--- Joel, "The Unearthly"
%%
"Van Damme and Van Dame in 'Van Damme Yankees!'"
--- Crow, "The Unearthly"
%%
"It's ConfusoVision again!"
--- Joel, "The Unearthly"
%%
"One-Adam-Twelve! Movie needs resuscitation. See the movie!"
--- Crow, "The Unearthly"
%%
"If the tank's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!"
--- Tom, "Commando Cody" Ch. 9
%%
"Whoa, he's got the zacklies big-time!"
--- Crow, "Commando Cody" Ch. 9
%%
"Armageddon tired of this already!"
--- Tom, "Robot Holocaust"
%%
"Look out! He's got an eggplant!"
--- Crow, "Robot Holocaust"
%%
What are they looking for anyway, uh, clothing?
--- Joel
Ah, Tina's looking for a support garment!
--- Crow
Boy, I hope she doesn't find one!
--- Tom, "Robot Holocaust"
%%
"Kitty! Bad kitty."
--- Crow, "Robot Holocaust"
(as the snake-like monster appears and bites a cast member)
%%
"This film was rated 'B' for 'Basement.'"
--- Tom, "Robot Holocaust"
%%
"O, pulsating glass ball with hair like Sam Donaldson, please tell me
what to do!"
--- Joel, "Robot Holocaust"
%%
"Joel, I'm scared!"
--- Crow, "Mr. B Natural"
%%
"Is this Liberace's mom?"
--- Joel, "Mr. B Natural"
%%
"Spanking time!"
--- Joel, "Mr. B Natural"
%%
"He's so perky! Kill her!"
--- Crow, "Mr. B Natural"
%%
"See, Buzz? It's really *fun* to be psychotic!"
--- Tom, "Mr. B Natural"
%%
You know, I think Oscar Wilde only *wished* he was this gay, you know.
--- Joel
Ladies and gentlemen--*please* accept our sincere apology for all of this.
--- Tom, "Mr. B Natural"
%%
"Oh, I get it--he's channeling Frances Farmer!"
--- Tom, "War of the Colossal Beast"
%%
"Find a Chevy, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck!"
--- Joel, "War of the Colossal Beast"
%%
"Guests of the Pentagon fly US military transport, recommended by John Sununu!"
--- Tom, "War of the Colossal Beast"
%%
"This guy's inner child is bigger than all of us!"
--- Crow, "War of the Colossal Beast"
%%
"My nurse fell down his throat!"
--- Crow, "War of the Colossal Beast"
%%
"Hey, check out this blackhead! It's as big as an Anjou pear!"
--- Joel, "War of the Colossal Beast"
%%
"He signed with the William Morris Agency. Now they'll *never* find him!"
--- Joel, "War of the Colossal Beast"
%%
"Lost in the valley of the shadow of the subplot!"
--- Crow, "War of the Colossal Beast"
%%
"Oh, my God, I'm Sinead O'Connor!"
--- Joel, "War of the Colossal Beast"
%%
"The Milling Festival ends in chaos. Two angry villagers slap each other
senseless with huge T-bone steaks."
--- Joel, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"And then bring some Shinola and we'll compare it with the last one
I gave you!"
--- Crow, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Once you've tasted lineman, you'll never go back! Betcha can't eat just one!"
--- Joel, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Roughly translated, he's saying 'This would not have happened, had we
installed fiber optics."
--- Crow, "The Black Scorpion"
(as the Mexican lineman is screaming while the scorpion eats his buddies)
%%
"Dogs love the rich taste of gigantic scorpion!"
--- Joel, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Hey, get me, I'm stingin' peasants!"
--- Crow, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Better call Orkin. Or throw the boy at 'em!"
--- Crow, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"You know, if they ever catch that thing, they're gonna need a lemon the
size of a Volvo to eat it!"
--- Joel, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
(seeing the gigantic tick) Oh, great, it's a wood tick--he's gonna get
Lyme Disease!
--- Tom
Quick--get a lit cigarette!
--- Crow, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Oh, well this isn't good, not at all. I've seen good before, and it didn't
look anything like this--remember that bad thing we saw? Well--it looked
like this, remember? Yeah--definitely bad."
--- Joel, "The Black Scorpion"
(in a fine display of precision rambling)
%%
"That scorpion *really* wants to use that phone booth..."
--- Tom, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Get me, I'm a bendy doll!"
--- Crow, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Your breath is like mummy meat!"
--- Crow, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"I was afraid of this--scorpion hoboes!"
--- Crow, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
(as the scorpion attacks a train) Hey, get me, I'm messin' up timetables, whoa!
--- Joel
Ah, he's gonna play chicken with the train!
--- Tom, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Mmm, mmm--canned people! Mmm--scorpions just love train food!"
--- Tom, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
(as the scorpion attacks a crowd) I'm hungry for Mexican!
--- Crow
Don't run, just look unappetizing!
--- Tom, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Now, for you folks, uh, playing at home, keep in mind scorpions, unless
genetically mutated, do *not* growl!"
--- Crow, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Is that you, or is it starting to smell like beef in here?"
--- Crow, "The Black Scorpion"
%%
"Tom and Crow's Wish List" from "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
[T=Tom, C=Crow, MV=Magic Voice, J=Joel, G=Gypsy]
T: Yeah, it's Harry Connick's girlfriend. Oh, look over here, *more*
Christmas catalogs! L.L. Bean, Nieman-Marcus, Monkey Wards, Fisher Nuts,
Edmund Scientific--oh, Uncle Bob's Produce Ranch!
C: Ah, for the traditional Yuletide cabbage!
T: Right you are! And for the elite litle ones, the magical world of
FAO Schwartz!
C: Parents, remember--kids always know best! So get 'em whatever they want!
Look! A $900 taffeta octopus outfit! "Thanks Dad!"
T: Oh, and look over here! A golf ball polisher, only 400 bucks at The
Sharper Image? Glad tidings, glad tidings! You know, Crow, when I see
these catalogs and their enchanting suitable-for-framing covers, I'm
reminded of the true joy of a New England Christmas!
C: (softly) Aaaaah!
T: A gentle snow; all of us snuggled into a blanket as we race home to our
cozy hearth and--warm fire in our furry little surrey!
C: Hey! In fact, there it is!
T: What?
C: Uh, only five thousand nine hundred dollars from Nieman-Marcus! A furry
little surrey!
T: Oh! Lemme see, wow!
C: Ya know, Tommy, when I see these catalogs, all I can see are 800,000 acres
of decimated old-growth forest!
T: Oh, Crow, is that really the Christmas spirit?
MV: Commercial Sign in 15 seconds.
[Joel and Gypsy enter]
J: Hey, you guys, what're you doin'?
T: Oh, just lookin' at catalogs--dreamin'!
J: Oh--have you guys thought about what you want for Christmas?
T: Yeah, me, me--I want a Ted Williams signature inflatable bathtub pillow!
J: Oh! Gypsy?
G: I want a pony!
J: Oh, Gypsy, we don't have room on the ship for a pony!
G: Please? Please?
J: No, can't do it. What about you, Crow?
C: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!
T: Huh?!
J: Oh, I don't know.
T: I don't think so!
MV: Commercial Sign in 5, 4, 3, 2--Commercial Sign now.
J: We'll be right back.
C: [to Tom] You're next!
T: Beet nose!
C: Hey!
%%
"'Custume Designer?!' Custume?!"
--- Crow, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"You know, elf tastes just like chicken!"
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"When she thinks of the mass media, she touches herself!"
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" (about Mrs. Claus)
%%
"Meanwhile, back at Oscar Wilde's house..."
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"He's been drunk off his Martian butt!"
--- Crow, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Well, she'll serve twelve, and with a little Martian seasoning
she'll make a tempting main course!"
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
(after the little Martian girl (Pia Zadora) lies down to
sleep under what looks like a fast-food heat lamp)
%%
"Pack your other moustache!"
--- Crow, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Oh, great, kid, ya just fingered Kris Kringle!"
--- Crow, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"You know, these are like--*cheap* versions of the 'Lost in Space' sets!"
--- Joel, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
Saaay! Oh--it's him. Still...
--- Tom
"Oscar Wilde 2000!"
--- Crow, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"He looks like Eric Heiden, gone horribly wrong!"
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Quick, in here where we can be cornered!"
--- Joel, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Hey, it's the robot that walked from Hawaii to Gilligan's Island!"
--- Crow, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Santa's gonna cut you, man! Santa's a blade man, man!"
--- Crow, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Old man, take a look at my elf, I'm a lot like you! Woo!"
--- Crow, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Next week on 'Barnaby Jones'--'Mrs. Claus of Death!'"
--- Joel, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Oh--three stars by her name! Earth girls *are* easy!"
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"I sure hope that's pudding!"
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's gonna whimper
like a whipped pup!"
--- Crow, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Ha--Santa left his medication at home!"
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Whaddya mean, wax Santa?! What are ya, nuts?"
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
Wait a minute--does Mars have any child labor laws?
--- Joel
I don't think so.
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"I don't suppose there's any chance, uh, this guy's gonna end up under
the wheels of a train, is there?"
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"You know, somewhere there's a ward with his name on it; I'm sure."
--- Joel, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"Meanwhile, back at the Gum Disease Caverns..."
--- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"I think Santa's slipped off the roof."
--- Joel, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
"You know, if Charlie Callas and Jamie Farr had a son..."
--- Joel, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" (on a big-nosed Martian)
%%
Santa Claus--killed in Vietnam!
--- Crow
Filmed in ChristmasCardVision!
--- Joel, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
%%
Tom's alternate words to "Hooray for Santy Claus!":
(from "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians")
They'll die in the vaccuum,
They'll burn on re-entry...
Hang out in leather bars,
Haul out the cocktail sauce...
Hooray for gummy bears!
Hooray for James Cahill,
Lomas played by Jim Bishop,
Santa's helpers stunt!
Do-do-do-do-do-do!
Haul out the rum and gin...
%%
OBQ: [Japanese Guy]: Look! A green glow!
[Crow, excited]: Oh! It's Marilyn Chambers!
[Crow, embarrassed]: Er, I'm, ah, not supposed to know about that.
%%
"Tang's gonna take a powder ... wait a minute, Tang IS a powder!"
%%
Police stooge to biker "chick": "I've got just one question . . ."
Crow: "Does light stand still at the edge of a black hole?"
%
OBQ: "Ooh, look at that! I did a flip and I didn't even have to! I'm great!"
--- Fugitive Alien
%%
"Upon reexamination of the scene, the referees have concluded that Cody is
DEAD. The play stands. Cody is dead."
--- "Radar Men from the Moon"
%%
"The problem with take-out endless salad bars is: once you leave the endless
salad bar with your take-out container, it ceases being an endless salad bar
and becomes a salad bar with really strict rules ..."
---Joel Hodgson
%%
"When in Mexico, visit C.L.A.S.A. studios."
--- Joel
"When in Coral Gables, Florida visit Soundlab Inc.."
--- Joel
"When in San Fernando, visit Manuel."
--- Servo
"And tickle his belly."
--- Joel
%%
"Nice title card paintings."
--- Crow
"Must have taken minutes!"
--- Servo
%%
Scientist: "How do we stand on fuel?"
Crow: "I'm in favor of it."
--- "Rocketship X-M"
%%
Lloyd Bridges: "Have you ever parked in a convertible on the edge of
a cliff in the moonlight?"
Joel: "And then drove off, laughing maniacally?"
--- "Rocketship X-M"
%%
[Military officer onscreen]
Servo: "General Nuisance."
Crow: "Major Indifference."
Joel: "Colonel...Popcorn."
--- "It Conquered the World"
%%
Scientist: "We don't have enough fuel for a landing!"
Crow: "Do we have enough for a crash?"
--- "Rocketship X-M"
%%
"Not in THOSE slacks!"
--- Crow
%%
ObMST: Tom: "Now let me get this straight: he kills a deer, tans the hide,
and stretches it over the anodized steel frame...!"
--- "Cave Dwellers"
%%
"Ugh! Her back looks like a Klingon's forehead!"
--- Joel, "Hellcats"
%%
"Don't just do something -- stand there!!"
--- Tom Servo, "Planet of Prehistoric Women"
%%
"If you want me to be clever as a dolphin, I'll have to learn how to
swim first."
--- Kenny
"And blow air out of the back of your neck!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Whatever it is, we can't afford to show it."
--- Crow commenting on very brief flying saucer special effect
(like you see it for one second, it wobbles downward, and suddenly
we are in a whole other scene - some special effect, Sandy).
%%
"Gaos is very big and everyone runs away with a flat head...ummh...with
a flat head that shoots laser beams."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Is there anyway to stop Zigra? He must have a weakness. Bomb him!
Drop more depth charges! ..."
--- Japanese military authority (2nd to Kenny)
"... build a bridge out of him?"
--- Crow in a Monty Python voice
%%
"Sister, that dress is headed for trouble, and it's taking you with it"
--- Crow
%%
"Oh yeah, look, and travel through the 4th dimension? No problem. But
stuffed animals, look out."
--- Crow commenting on the escape of Kenny and
his sister from the Zigra girl.
%%
"Stay away from those powerful hind legs!"
--- Tom Servo on the Zigra girl
%%
"Gentile"
--- Tom Servo commenting on Gamera poking his head out of his shell
(slowly the neck skin peels back...sorry about the graphic detail -
I think you get the picture, but you have to see it to believe it).
%%
"Tonight, the fish sleep with Lucca Brazzi!"
--- Tom Servo on Gamera's big bludgeoning of Zigra on land
(in a twist on the line from _The Godfather_)
%%
"It's not the size of the boat; it's the motion of the ocean."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Sorry about the costume. Corman's poodle died, and he hates to waste
anything."
--- Tom Servo on the early Sonny Bono styles of the enemy leader.
%%
"C'mon. Squeal like Ned Beatty!"
--- Tom Servo after tall Viking woman has just speared a boar
about to lunch the sissy son of the enemy leader.
%%
"No, no. My life alone would be meaningless."
--- Viking woman
"More meaningless."
--- Crow
%%
"Oh, they licked her to death."
--- Tom Servo on dogs killing Viking woman
"I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."
--- Crow
%%
"Let's face it, Sticky Fingers, waffles are nothing more than a vehicle
for butter and syrup."
--- Dr. Forrester
%%
"When we regained our strength, we tried to escape ..."
--- captured Viking man
"...but the Sun was in our eyes."
--- Crow
%%
"Will somebody please tell me what's happening?"
--- Hero
"Well, you signed a contract that your agent couldn't get you out of and ..."
--- Crow
%%
"Hello, mom?"
--- Joel
"Now listen, son, you can't keep calling me up every time you get a little
ripple in your fantasy world. You're 45 years old!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Okay everybody ... stop ... look scared ... move on."
--- Joel
%%
"Are we going to be on television?"
--- Bonnie (broadcasting news of disaster)
"Yes, but our Nielsen rating won't be very high."
--- Crow
%%
"Maybe Cal can help us. Cal, did you actually see the wall?"
--- Professor
"No, I saw them on the Dark Side of the Moon tour."
--- Tom
%%
"You know, you give life to two inanimate objects, and they turn around
and mock your entire species."
--- Joel
%%
"Alright you old coot, you lovable subplot, come on."
--- Joel (on writer)
%%
"Genius waits for no one."
--- Writer (pounding on door)
"But stupidity hammers on a deserted building."
--- Crow
%%
"Cal, she's not dead."
--- Professor (on Bonnie's abduction by Slime person)
"She's probably having the slime of her life."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Look at this: blonde hair."
--- Hero
"Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair..."
--- Crow
"...in a wheat field..."
--- Tom Servo
"...at night in a fog."
--- Joel
%%
"Yeah, Joel, nothing's scarier than a big boiled lobster with a bad, oozing
head cold; a big, scaly, wart-encrusted crab-monster leaking mucus from
every..."
--- Crow
%%
"Uh, oh. This isn't good. I've seen good before, and this isn't it."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"You know, there's nothing like being in a gunfight with 600 pounds of
high test nitro rocket fuel on your back."
--- Joel
%%
"Steve, have you ever looked at a squirrel before? I mean really up close?"
--- Joel
%%
"Serpentine"
--- All (frequent comment on jungle-fighter (NOT!) moves)
%%
"Yes. We've been dealing with genetic mutations since you were in short pants."
--- Dr. Forrester
"And we finally applied our principles to carnival food. We came up with
cotton candy that screams when you bite it."
--- Other Mad Scientist (not Frank)
%%
"Good thing I had the safety on; I could have blown your head off!"
--- Joel on (Robert) Vaughn whipping out spear at sound
of approaching father
%%
"How about a dinner, movie, and a drag by the hair?"
--- Crow
%%
"Why do you build and then break?"
--- Vaughn
"It's the third great gift to man..."
--- Third Keeper
"...vandalism!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"One thing ... this thing which gives death with its touch..."
--- Vaughn
"...Penny Marshall?"
--- Crow
%%
"I'm going to have to kill you!"
--- Frank (struggling with Dr. Forrester)
"Well, you're going to have to kill me first!"
--- Dr. Forrester
%%
"It's a tree; walk around it!"
--- Crow (Vaughn stops at tree and ponders)
%%
"Uh, note to myself. Bring more spears next time."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Oh now we're really in trouble. The Todd monster just bought it. That is
one messed up little dude!"
--- Crow (for caveboy after quicksand kills one)
"What's going on here? It was just a drowning. So what are you waiting
for, a receipt?"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Uh oh, Rob! Your dad found your stash!"
--- Crow (Vaughn's father stops and looks at very suspicious patch
of weeds)
%%
"Oh! The "Swift Pan". They can use that later on The Man From Uncle."
--- Crow
%%
"An amateur photographer took these pictures of early police work."
--- Crow on brutal assault by cavemen
%%
"Actually, I call this one Opus 1, Number 1, Circa Listing 1."
--- Crow on Vaughn's first attempts to invent music with a reed flute
"Uh, do you know any Tull?"
--- Tom Servo (for Vaughn's girlfriend)
%%
"Oh, everything's evil to you! Can't you just give it a chance?"
--- Joel
%%
"Oh, he invented the quiver!"
--- Tom Servo (Vaughn enters scene with one)
"So did she. Ooh."
--- Joel and Crow (girlfriend follows him into scene)
%%
"Hmm. More holes in the plot! Let's follow them."
--- Tom Servo (on deep footprints in jungle floor)
%%
"If a tree fell in the forest, would Roger Corman go over budget?"
--- Tom
%%
"Out of the sprawling millions of the Earth, a handful escaped all harm
through fortune or design."
--- Narrator
"Oh, like Neil Bush!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"We go into the swamp on foot."
--- Narrator (Jim Fowler wanna-be leaves dug-out canoe
with Seminole guide)
"With Emo Phillips in a dress!"
--- Tom Servo (Yep, that's what he looks like)
%%
"Ahh, bite me! I will prevail. Mine is a noble race!"
--- Tom Servo (for the wildcat they are trying to capture)
%%
"And you're no Jack Kennedy, Senator."
--- Joel
%%
"And that playground ball is a threat, too."
--- Joel on cheap planet shot
"We're gonna crash into a Universal Picture!"
--- Crow on view from crashing spaceship
%%
"Well, keep me informed."
--- Admiral
"That's not gonna be easy. You're a real mutton head."
--- Crow
%%
"Now be kind to me, ladies. Don't forget that I'm your ingenious engineer,
the master of the maneuvering room, and the actuator of your gravitatior."
--- Engineer Bradley
"Not to mention a flatulating butthead."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"People ALWAYS seem to comfort her."
--- Tom Servo (he's right!)
%%
"Their technology must be light years ahead of ours. Their use
of stock is amazing."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Oh, shut up! What are you, Confucius? Just cross the dry ice and SHUT UP!"
--- Crow
%%
"Is he primordial soup yet?"
--- Joel on boiling pool where spaceman has just drowned
(or is it boiled?)
%%
"What's a dead man but a live man without any life?"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Oh, Captain Crunch Comfort Ring, help me out of this awful jam."
--- Joel
%%
"Thank you, Betty, Veronica, and Jughead."
--- Tom Servo for Admiral
%%
"Hey! Get me, I'm a wood nymph!"
--- Crow in rough, Brooklynese voice as a spaceman springs over a log
%%
"More stock footage. Hit the deck!"
--- Tom Servo on volcanic eruption effect
%%
"Thwow them to the gwound, pwanet. Most woughwy! Thank you."
--- Crow during volcano sequence in a great Michael Palin
Pilate-from-Monty-Python's-Life-Of-Brian voice
%%
"Why is this called the Women of the Prehistoric Planet?"
--- Joel on the fact that only one is on the planet (unless you
count Annette and the blonde on the ship)
%%
"What is this hideous thing you've put on my baby? What have you done??"
--- Frank
"Frank, relax. It's my invention this week, Joel. It's the Alien Teething
Nook. To baby it's a satisfying nipple. To onlookers it's a terrifying
alien face hugger. <smirk>"
--- Dr. Forrester
%%
"When you put your hand in a bunch of goo ... that moments ago was your best
friend's face ... You'll know what to do."
--- Crow (great George C. Scott voice) on "M is for Marching Men"
%%
"Oh no! John Williams...before he heard Stravinsky. But I kid Stravinsky."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Hi gang. Here's a gesture for you."
--- Joel
%%
"I can get this kind of abuse at the Kennedy mansion."
--- Joel
%%
"You see it doesn't matter how slow I go. I'll catch him.
My son is the editor."
--- Crow
%%
"Destruction of property, trespassing, reckless driving, hit and run, and
manslaughter."
--- Cop reading charges to Daddy-O
"Hit and run and manslaughter?"
--- Daddy-O
"Oh that was just me getting nuts. I'll change that."
--- Joel
%%
"They could have been a lot worse on you, Phil. I'd say you were pretty lucky."
--- Cop to Daddy-O
"Look at this shirt. You call this lucky?"
--- Crow
%%
"Remember when I told you that I took the right fork during the race?"
--- Daddy-O
"Well, actually I used the salad fork. It was kind of dumb."
--- Joel
%%
"I hate all of you, you inanimate objects! You mock me with your silence!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Thanks, mom ... nice caboose ... What am I saying?"
--- Crow (as Daddy-O watches older waitress walk away)
%%
"Say those pants are kinda high, aren't they?"
--- Joel
%%
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. My pants got a little low, okay?"
--- Joel
%%
"Got to think ... Must try to think ... But too stupid!"
--- Joel
%%
"Now I know this is bad luck, but you're already in this movie."
--- Crow (as they walk under a scaffold)
%%
"Why couldn't this guy be on the plane instead of Buddy Holly?"
--- Crow
%%
"Whup. Here comes the cancer girl."
--- Crow on cigarette girl
%%
"Heyyyy! She caught her back fat in the doorway. She's trapped!"
--- Crow
%%
"This is what Zsa Zsa did to that cop."
--- Crow on fight between Daddy-O and Bruce the blind guy
%%
"Turkey Fact Number 12: Turkeys are filled with enough L-Tryptophan to
knock you on your sorry Thanksgiving ass."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"I understand now. Gallagher *is* funny!"
--- Joel, "It Conquered the World"
%%
Oho! White Goddess having trouble?
--- Bob
Oho! White facist getting smart?
--- Crow
%%
Tom: (typing) Uhm, cd slash wp51 return. Ah, criminy, stupid clone.
I really miss my Mac. Hey, Crow, what does this mean? "Too
many parameters hyphen WP51."
Crow: (reading an issue of Byte) Oh, you used a forward slash instead
of a backslash.
Tom: Oh, oh OK. Cd backslash WP51, return.
Joel: (voice over: Hi everyone, welcome back to the Satellite of Love.
Tom Servo and Crow are in the middle of another user interface
war. Let's watch.
Tom: This is rich: "Bad command or filename." They expect you to be a
machine to operate this machine.
Crow: And I suppose you prefer a little animated clown who would juggle
over to the little file cabinet and then wink at you and point
to the right drawer.
Tom: Yeah, sure, at least I don't have to have a photographic memory
to get my Mac to work.
Joel: Most user interfaces work perfectly well. It's really just a matter
of the individual's personal preference. We think the joke will be
on Tom Servo and Crow.
Tom: The problem with IBMs and compatibles is that they lack the elegance
and intuitive nature of the Mac. Mac products are proven, reliable
and they always work.
Crow: Oh yeah, what about System 7?
Tom: It's coming, it's coming, OK? There were a few bugs in it, OK?
Joel: (voice over) You can have a lot of fun with those hopelessly
mired in computer nuance. Watch this. "Hey, has anyone seen the
mouse for my Amiga?"
Tom: Amiga? Amiga? Now there's a machine for ya.
Crow: Hey, has anyone seen my Fast Angus drive?
%%
"<BANG> <BANG> <BANG> You were all bad guys, weren't you?"
--- Tom Servo, "It Conquered the World"
%%
"OK. Here's one for you. What would you call Senor Wences (sp?), the
ventriloquist who made a career out of talking to his hand?
--- Crow
"I call that a cry for help."
--- Tom Servo
%%
INVENTION EXCHANGE
"What's the point of the Big Nose?"
--- Joel on Really Big Nose of the Mads
"They're...just really big! Just think of the stuff you can do with 'em."
--- Dr. Forrester
"Very useful; now I can brown-nose myself."
--- Frank
%%
"Ken's a loner? How long before your Ken is fixed?"
--- Crow
%%
"Diarrhea is like a storm, raging inside you."
--- Tom Servo as Rocky faints
%%
"TeNperature?"
--- Crow reading heat gauge
%%
"Pants...too tight! I'm turning Japanese!"
--- Crow on Rocky's passing out antics
%%
"...He tried to kill me with a forklift..."
--- theme chorus of FA II (and FA I!)
%%
"I'm missing graduation! The music's started! Oh, no!"
--- Tom Servo on Billy waking up from faint to FA II theme song.
%%
"Yeah, you've got spunk. I hate spunk!"
--- Joel on Tammy
%%
"Whoa, and he picks up the spare!"
--- Tom Servo on quick (way too easy) second shot on attacking spaceships
%%
"Ah, note to myself. Put landing gear on this baby."
--- Tom Servo on crash in desert of spaceship
%%
"Hey, check it out! They're fighting ZZTop!"
--- Joel on flag atop the tower
%%
"Crotch-cam; I'm huge!"
--- Crow on funky camera angle
%%
"It's a Super Tom Servo with thrust busters and glass packs! Wow!"
--- Crow upon seeing the weapon they are after
(good description of it)
%%
"Increase the voltage. How much do you think you can take?"
--- Torturer
"He's an electroholic. Ohm is too many and a trillion isn't enough."
--- Crow
%%
"You see? This is why we don't let teenagers in our hotel anymore. This
kind of stuff."
--- Crow on endless chain of explosions
%%
"It's Fahrvergnugen gone horribly wrong!"
--- Tom Servo on equipment explosions
%%
"Fred Biletnikoff!"
--- Crow on enemy leader Halkan
%%
"Yeah, well he was kind of like everyone's idea of evil all rolled into one."
--- Joel on Halkan
"You got a point there, Joel. Kind of brought together the terrifying
aspects of Nazis and MIMES!"
--- Tom Servo
"And Marsha Mason."
--- Crow
"Or Marilyn Quayle."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Oh, you're just gettin weird...and that results in creativity."
--- Joel
%%
"Now we make 'em talk."
--- Tom Servo after guards riddle door with bullets
%%
"So where ya headed?"
--- Truck driver
"Well, I was going to Florida, but I guess you ain't got one of those."
--- Joel
%%
"Boy, you know how many tv series would be wiped out if this room was
blown up?"
--- Crow
%%
"Jeez, I'm just a temp."
--- Tom Servo on aide after Cameron Mitchell has just bared his
soul to him
%%
"Funny how space looks a lot like Sacramento."
--- Crow
%%
"Never mind the oboe. It always follows me around."
--- Crow
%%
"I'd like to have children right away if it's okay with you."
--- Tom Servo for Neil
"Is it all right if I pull over first?"
--- Crow for driving Tina
%%
"So how did this Perfect Order come about?"
--- Neil
"Well, it seems we close our eyes for a little while, and when we opened
them again..."
--- Professor
"...Reagan was in office."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Audrey Farber?"
--- Crow (you either know this reference or you don't)
%%
"Yeah, he drinks, he takes drugs, and he's gonna get me off the planet.
--- Joel
%%
"Eh. A little...candy for grandpa."
--- Tom Servo on Professor's injection
%%
"Mmmggh. She's got four tongues! She's a mutant!"
--- Crow on first kiss
"Come on. Do I have to hose you off? Get in here."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Oh no, they put her in a room with Ike Turner!"
--- Tom Servo on Tina's appearance after interrogation.
%%
"Benedict was waiting for me."
--- Tina
"What did you tell him?"
--- Professor
"Stop hitting me!!!"
--- Crow
%%
"He threatened to take me to Ward E if I didn't tell him the truth. Instead
he took me to a basement room somewhere."
--- Tina
"Lech Walesa was there. I don't know why."
--- Tom Servo
"He had two men there. They ..."
--- Sobbing Tina
"...made me cook breakfast! Sob."
--- Crow
"He started juggling...and he wasn't very good!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"No! I'm not a letter!"
--- Crow for guard when Neil pulls letter opener on him
%%
"Go away. I don't have a line."
--- Tom Servo for soldier answering door
%%
"That one's for Florida!"
--- Joel on Neil shooting soldier
%%
"What happened?"
--- Guy who finds Neil crawling out of ocean
"From other planet...thing crash...had girlfried...blew stuff up."
--- coughing and panting Tom Servo
%%
"A tremor! Johnny, don't go. It's too dangerous."
--- Mother
"I don't care!"
--- Johnny
%%
"A little horse for a little monkey."
--- Tom Servo on hypo to resuscitate the frozen monkey
"Hey, he'll have himself on his back."
--- Joel
%%
"Now to shave his butt and put cosmetics on it."
--- Tom when monkey revives
%%
"Don't be afraid. We're with you."
--- Johnny
"We're doomed, but with you."
--- Crow
%%
"Look, if you can't workout 30 minutes a day, you don't deserve a hot date."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Let's crap in our hands and throw it at people."
--- Crow
%%
"Present...arms!"
--- Ape in charge of execution
"Crap in...hand!"
--- Crow
%%
"Sandy Frank, Sandy Frank, likes to crap into his hand."
--- All
%%
"Meanwhile on C.H.I.M.P.S,..."
--- Tom on police motorcade
%%
"You know, it's funny how movie directors always make air vents big enough
to crawl around in."
--- Joel
%%
"Oh great, welcome to Plot Convenience Playhouse."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"You can kill me, but it's over my dead body."
--- Crow
%%
"Smells like a man and a little boy in here. Who bathed?"
--- Crow
%%
"People try to put us...dddddown!"
--- Joel? on Godot twirling grappling hook
%%
"Well it's about this time that the old ape boys got themselves into a heap
of trouble over at Cooter's place. Ya see, they were pickin' nits off each
other..."
--- Crow
%%
"It's been a great pleasure knowing you. I hope you will think of us once
in a while."
--- Chief Ape
"You know, when you drive past a bloated raccoon on the side of the road?
That kind of thing."
--- Crow
%%
"Oh no! It's Anthony Braxton and Don Cherry!"
--- Tom Servo on free jazz-sounding dramatic music
%%
"Run like a duck! Quack, quack, quack!"
--- Tom on Kathryn's style of running
%%
"She was awake about 10 slaps ago!"
--- Crow
%%
"Godot's a pendant?"
--- Tom when that's all Kathryn finds in Godot's capsule
"Maybe he's in there."
--- Joel sounding like a Ghostbuster Bill Murray
"He's in - de - pendant! Ha ha."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Hey, he's not even hurt. They must have used Nerf tools or something."
--- Joel on Cody after fighting with wrenches and hammers
and stuff in garage
%%
"If I'd have brought that straight-edge, we'd make it in half the time."
--- Crow on Cody plotting elliptical course to the Moon
%%
"Oh, I'm not sorry for that one! That felt wonderful!"
--- Tom Servo on sound of decompression
"Cough, cough. I shouldn't do that in a pressure suit!"
--- Crow
%%
"A case of Moosehead, no curfew - this is gonna be the best road trip ever!"
--- Joel
%%
"Now that we have a space station..."
--- General pointing to cheesy props
"...or Frisbee..."
--- All
"...it's now possible to send a ship..."
--- General
"...or batteries..."
--- All (really is what it looks like it)
"...around the Moon."
--- General
"...or playground ball."
--- All
"On this trip Dr. Warner..."
--- General
"...or double..."
--- All (he is a fake, right?)
"...will photograph the back face. The ship will then return to the space
station."
--- General
"...or Frisbee."
--- All
"I..."
--- Large female reporter
"...or Lard Barge..."
--- All
%%
"Look, there's the Grand Tetons!"
--- Tom Servo on the amply endowed Col. Briteis
using a viewmaster-type device
%%
"Duracell away! The Coppertop Shuttle."
--- Joel on "batteries" ship
%%
"Hard to take anyone with a flannel skullcap seriously."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"What are you going to do with him?"
--- Col. Briteis
"Well I thought I'd dress him up like us. That's pretty degrading."
--- Crow
%%
"No fun at all. It fell right over."
--- Tom Servo Firesign Theatre comment on supply ship's landing
%%
Here is the SPACOM tirade by Tom Servo and Crow
1. SPACOM (spake-com) is Space Command in the movie.
2. SPACOM (spack-um) is too wild! God, as Joel is mashing and slicing and
mangling the goo, it keeps changing colors! Wow! Here is T + C:
SPACOM! It's new; it's improved. It's Spacom, as seen in Project Moonbase.
Yes, Spacom, the miracle home product you thought you'd never need. Part
wood, part industrial resin, part processed pasteurized cheese food pro-
ducts. That valuable china crack? No problem. Just a dab of Spacom will
do the trick. Try Spacom on an onion roll for a real lunchtime treat.
Takes care of rust on that old jalopy, and ladies will just love how Spacom
removes those liver spots and planters warts. Slice thin for a fabulous
roast substitute. Kids will just have a ball with Spacom. Change your
mother into a basketball and drive out rodents and other household pets.
Include Spacom in your next oil change to lubricate and remove diaper rash
while it whitens your wash and melts those pounds away. Make Polynesian
cheese devils with a little marshmallow creme, a handful of crunchy fire
ants, and lots of velvety Spacom. Eskimos love the way Spacom takes the
gum out of diesel generators. Mom loves the way it cleans jewelry. Dad
loves the way it takes the paint off that old table in the attic. And kids
just love it for a snack anytime. Massage it into your scalp for a refresh-
ing change of mind. Rub it into your chest and feel the petroleum vapors
go to work. Not an aerosol, not a paste, and not available in any store.
It's SPACOM! And it's available this one time at the low, low everyday
bargain price. And if you order now, you will receive at no extra charge
a year's supply of Spacom! Cuts through this tomato like it was a tin can.
Snapples caps off of jars, bottles, and the baby!
%%
"Walk quietly among other men, but know their power, for they are your
enemies. Quietly crush them as you work diligently through the night. Pay
attention to the man behind the curtain, for he is your ally. Drink deeply
and lustily from the foamy draught of evil. Uh, do it to the other guy
before he does it to you...and be bad to the bone, won't you?"
--- Dr. Forrester's self expression for the self-image
reproducing full-size body printers.
%%
"Why are all the cute ones so corporate?"
--- Joel
%%
"Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press."
--- Tom Servo on Gaos picking up a reporter
%%
"I don't know where my friend went, but there's a pile of poop here with
shoes in it."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Hey, look. Gamera has "Itchy" palms now."
--- Crow on the kid in Gamera's hand.
%%
"That's what a Japanese doctor drives, isn't it? A Cataract?"
--- Crow
%%
"There. I just marked our territory."
--- Crow on grimace by stooge worker
%%
"Alright, Gaos, don't be blue. Frankenstein was ugly too."
--- Cheer by all
%%
"You know, I'll bet the hole in the ozone is this bird's fault."
--- Tom Servo on firefight in the air
%%
"I'm telling you, he was 3300 pounds if he was an ounce."
--- Joel on Gaos escaping Gamera's aquatic assault
"The one that got away."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Hey, I told my mom I was gonna grow another foot, and she knit me
three socks."
--- Crow on Gaos's foot regeneration
%%
"Well, it seems the experiment has proved one thing conclusively. The only
way to kill the beast is to keep it out in sunlight."
--- Military dude
"We'll prematurely age it to death."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Hey, can you get this subplot off the road?"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"It's good, but it's not as good as Blood Classic."
- -- Joel on Gaos and fake blood lure
%%
"Oh fella, You're a fat old hog aintcha? Heh, heh. Squeal."
--- Tom as Gamera climbs onto Gaos's back
(I think Deliverance deeply affected these guys)
%%
"Oh. Cross-check. He'll be in the box for two."
--- Crow
%%
"Ooooh. Good thing he had his cup on."
--- Tom Servo on rudely aimed missle attack on Gaos
%%
"They're ventriloquisting each other!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"He speaks to me telepathically."
--- Freebot Translator
"Actually it's telePATHETICally."
--- Joel
%%
"They started at a landfill, just outside Manhattan."
--- Crow
%%
"We have no history. We have always been here."
--- Amazon Leader
"Then you have a history."
--- Crow
%%
"This whole movie's socks and violence."
--- Tom Servo on hand puppet killer rock worms
%%
"Perhaps now's the right time to send Torq."
--- Valeria
"You have made a wise decision."
--- Dark One
"Then send Nesmith and Dolenz."
--- Crow
%%
"She studied under Buckwheat, I guess."
--- Tom Servo on Valeria's accent
%%
"Of course you're being watched. It's a film, idiot!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"He's a Crustifarian!"
--- Crow on Torq
%%
"Her dress looks like something they cut gaskets out of."
--- Joel
%%
"There's the Nuge. Locked, stocked, and ready to rock."
--- Joel on Ted Nugent-like barbarian
%%
"That, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the liberators of Earth."
--- Tom Servo on the short-circuiting Freebot
%%
"I'm reaching behind you with the cutters."
--- Hero to barbarian as they try to defuse the bomb
"When I'm done with this, you will guard my harem. Understand?"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"That blast to her face kind of helped her diction."
--- Joel on Valeria
%%
"Oh, man. The huge Nuge! He's got cat scratch fever!"
--- Crow on battle
%%
"Hey, that's not half bad. It's all bad."
--- Crow
%%
"You know, I kind of miss Earth, you guys."
--- Joel on amply endowed heroine in front of machinery
"I can see why."
--- Tom Servo
"Yeah, all that equipment."
--- Crow
"Yeah, it's neat."
--- Joel
%%