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From [e-mail]  Mon Feb  3 12:04:04 1992
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 92 12:03:50 EST
From: [e-mail] (Richard Kulawiec)
Posted-Date: Mon, 3 Feb 92 12:03:50 EST
Message-Id: <[e-mail]>
To: [e-mail]
Subject: Satellite of Love News #14
Status: OR

==========
Item 1:
==========
From: "Crashing by design." <[e-mail]>
Date: Sat, 11 Jan 92 00:39 EDT
Subject: Miscellany

A few random, MiSTy thoughts that came up while catching up on the SOL News:


 - Another Turkey Fact #12:  "If you leave turkeys out in the rain, they'll
drown.  Stupid jerks."


 - In one of the recent quote lists was a set from "Time of the Apes", but
unfortunately it missed my personal sick favorite from the movie:

    "You might want to wash that.  That's my throwing hand."
        (After hero has just shaken ape leader's hand)

I don't know about anyone else, but this one had my brother and I literally
rolling on the floor, helpless.  Sorry I don't know who made the remark - my
brother has the tapes right now, and he's in Key West.


 - A comment that a friend and I have long been making during Japanese monster
movies whenever the Japanese army does something really stupid (you know, like
firing at Godzilla with pistols):  "Geez, no wonder they lost the war . . ."
Didn't someone on this list say they're sending copies to Best Brains?  Think
there's a ghost of a chance they might pick this up?  I certainly give them
permission to use it!  :)


 - Finally, I'd like to enlist the help of SOLN to figure out the name of a bad
movie I saw on TV a few years ago.  It had no stars I recognized, and it wasn't
that old (probably made in the 80s), but it was already on the independent
channel's late show -- and for good reason, this film was a DOG.  Think of
every bad horror movie cliche you can, and this movie probably had it:  an axe
murderer, slimy aliens, walking dead, terrorized sorority girls, a really
cheesy detective guy, holes in the plot you could fly a truck through, and so
on.  Sorry I can't be more specific, but that's about all the more coherent
this film was.  And I even saw it twice!

IF it's any help, the title was really corny too.  Thanks a bunch!  If I can,
I'd like to find this movie again and watch it with all my MST3K training.
Should be a riot!

Keep circulating the tapes!

String

ObMST3KQ:  "Once a garden spot, now a playground for death."  - Gamera

==========
Item 2:
==========
From: [e-mail]
Date: Sat, 11 Jan 92 17:53:35 EST
Subject: MST3K:Heeeere's TIBBY!

Greetings, Rich and fellow Misties!

   Quack's Back.  The following is the famous "Love Song to Tibby,"  from
the GAMERA experiment.  Enjoy!  Haha!


                              T I B B Y


(Tom Servo is talking to a toy turtle in a fishbowl.  The bowl is spinning
 on a record player on the SOL desk.)

TOM:  More fish flakes, sweet friend? (lights dim, music begins)

      (singing)   Oh, Tibby.  My Tibby,
                  My heart is a mess.
                  I don't have a protective
                  shell over my chest.
                  So people   can HURT me
                  with the cruel things they dooo!
                  Yet somehow, sweet Tibby,
                  I know you hurt, too.
                  Oh, Tibby.  My Tibby,
                  Reality's hard.  So Tibby,
                  let's play in the yaaaaaaard!
                  Oooooooh, Tibby!  Oh, Tibby!  (Crow enters)
                  He runs like the wind. . .
                  A couple of inches, - aha! -,
                  and then back again!
                  Oooh-doh-doooh.

CROW: Uh, may I take a verse?

TOM:              Oooo-doo-doooo.

      Well, if you feel it, Crow.

CROW: Oh, I. . . do.    Ahem!

TOM:  Well, Crow.  Then by all means.  Join me, won't you?

CROW: 5 6 7 8
                  Tippyyyy--!

TOM:  It's TIBBY!  TIBBY!

CROW: Oh, sorry. Sorry.  Sorry.

                  I love you my fine lit-tle fellaaa!
                  Even though you gave the whole family salmonellaaa!

      Hee hee hee hee!  (lights.  Music stops.  Joel enters)

TOM:  No! No!  It's not their fault!  It isn't their fault! Crow, you think
      everything's a--!  You rip my heart out!! (A-boo-hoo-hoo-hoo)

CROW: Geez, I'm sorry.

JOEL: C'mon, Crow, Let'm finish his song.

CROW: Oh, OK.

JOEL: Go ahead, Tom.

CROW: It's just a stupid ol' turtle.

JOEL: Go ahead, Tom.   (Tom stops crying.  Lights dim.  Spotlight on Tibby)

TOM:  Thank you, Cambot.  (music begins)

                  Tibby.  My Tibby,
                  Your blood may be cold,
                  but I know  that your heart
                  burns as hot as a coal!
                  It burns with the love
                  only turtles can feel!
                  Tibby . . . !
      (spoken)    Is our love real?

      My Tibby, I'll never let the dog nose around your bowl, but you know that
   don't you?  I can see it in your beady, little eyes!  If you high-center on
   your rock, Tibby, I'll be there . . . to help you down!

      (sung)      The toilet's not your fate, friend!
                  You'll always run freeeeeee!
                  Tibby . . . !
                  Long as you have meeeeeeeeeeee!  (Music ends)

CROW: D'you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?

JOEL: That was really good, Tom.  (his face says otherwise)  We got Commercial
      Sign.

----------Commercial Sign-----------


   It's not my favorite skit, but it appeared to be a hot item so I typed it
in.  More skits will follow -- starting with Creepy Girl.

   Well, as I said before, I went to see STAR TREK VI over the holiday.
Fortunately, it was good enough that MST3K was not the first thing on my mind.
However, because I'm forever the cynic, I managed to come up with the following
quips:

GORKON:(His dying words to Kirk, paraphrase from memory): You can't . . .let
        it . . . end this way!
SERVO:(Dubbing in for Kirk) Well-, that's what Gene said to me after I made
       STAR TREK V!  Huh-?



PAVEL CHEKOV:  Course setting, Captain?

JAMES T. KIRK: Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning!

CROW T. ROBOT: NOW WE'RE IN 'HOOK'!  NOOOOOOOO!



JOEL: (Making a curious observation) Chefs on the Enterprise?  What happened
      to the food replicators?

CROW: I dunno.  Maybe we're backstage.



   The next movies to be lampooned will be T2:JUDGEMENT DAY and TRON.  They
deserve it.

Later, Mists.      The Quack -- [e-mail]


P.S.  GREAT Christmas poem, RSK!  (Nipple, Nipple, Tweak, Tweak, FLY, FLY, FLY!)

[ Thank you.  Blush. :-) ---Rsk ]


ANDY-"Hi there, Santa!"

CROW-"Get da HELL outta my shop!"
          -Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, MST3K

==========
Item 3:
==========
From: [e-mail]
Date: Sun, 12 Jan 92 00:45:56 EST
Subject: Goofy credits/cutting movies to fit/more movies for MST3000

Someone asked about the goofy credits at the beginning of movies like
Pod People and Cave Dwellers -- well my theory is that they got ahold
of the video cassette from someone NOT authorized to copy or whatever,
because I found "Cave Dwellers" under the name Blade Master in my
local Huizienga Video Dealer (Wow! what a difference).

Someone else also asked about cutting a movie to fit -- and this I
know they do.  I saw "Stranded in Space" on MST, then a couple of
weeks later I saw it on TBS one Saturday afternoon, and there were a
couple of scenes that were NOT in the MST production.  I would think
they chop the movies to fit their commercial schedule though I don't
know for sure.

I'm going back to my high school later this month -- I'm going to raid
their film archives and see if I can come up with something as bad as
"Mr.B Natural" to send up to Minnesota.. god that was awful!

Keep circulating the tapes!

ObMSTQ: "Ok.. he tried to kill me with a forklift.. ah cheap
         Japanese crap (picks up phone) WHAT???"
            -- Fugitive Alien II


Chad "Mr.B" Jackson        - "They TRIED to kill us with a forklift.."
[e-mail]        -- Tom Osborne, UNebraska Coach
[e-mail]

==========
Item 4:
==========
From: Jeremy Louis Billones <[e-mail]>
Date: Sun, 12 Jan 92 12:10:04 -0500
Subject: Unusual Opening Credits in Pod People, et al


I believe that the unmatched opening and closing credits for the non-Frank
movies in season CC3 were added by whatever distribution company sold
them to Best Brains.  The only one I recognized was that the closing
credits for Stranded in Space (that was the flying snowflake, right?)
were the real-honest-to-goodness opening credits for Revenge of the Teenage
Vixens From Outer Space, a *really* cheezy movie that's clean enough
for MST3K, but might not play in Peoria.  My sister says the opening
credits were from a seventies sci-fi flick she saw on TBS a few years back.

Jeremy Billones

==========
Item 5:
==========
From: Lynn-Anne Friese <[e-mail]>
Date: Sun, 12 Jan 92 1:34:54 CST
Subject: editing movies/looking for local shows & ET segment

Just a few comments in response to the last issue (#13)...

Someone asked if they edit the movies they use for the show.  They most
certainly do.  Both of the shows I worked on ended up having about 15
minutes worth of the film edited out.  Also, Joel said in an interview
once that "Side Hackers" was the film they had to edit the most out of.
Whether they do this for the sake of time or to get rid os some of the
really, really dull parts, I don't know.  (Seemed like a bit of both.)

Also, someone mentioned wanting copies of the "local shows" and the
Entertainment Tonight segment.  I'd like to once again request the
same.  After over a year, I still haven't had any luck finding someone
with those local shows on tape, and I'd appreciate it if anyone out there
could help me out.

--
Lynn-Anne Friese
mixcom!ccwwcc%uunet.uu.net
[e-mail]

==========
Item 6:
==========
From: [e-mail]
Date: Sun, 12 Jan 92 20:07:36 EST
Subject: A rare find [The first Ator movie]

 Fellow Misties,

          I work in a local video store here in Kentucky. One day, I
was asked to straighten the Sci-Fi section by my boss (who also doesn't
like me . . . gee, and I do a good job cleaning up the place . . . hmmm)
Well, anyhow, I came across the FIRST Ator movie, the one before Cave
Dwellers (or is it Cah-vay dwellers?). I haven't bothered to watch it
yet, as I haven't had the time. But soon, yes, very soon. . .

         Anyhow, thought I'd let you all know this movie exists on
Videocassette and . . . well, not that you'd WANT to spend money on it
or anything . . . but it would be pretty fun for any MST3k parties or
just to sharpen your own razor keen wit. Heck, why not alert Best Brains
to this and have Joel and the bots blister this one, too!

          Then again, maybe that isn't such a good idea. :)


                         Al, Tom Servo's #1 fan

[ I've seen the first Ator movie (Ator, the Fighting Eagle) and it's just
as confusing as "Cave Dwellers".  It's also just as bad. ---Rsk ]

==========
Item 7:
==========
From: [e-mail]
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 92 16:50:04 -0800
Subject: More GIFS at the FTP server

 I just wanted to let everyone know that I added a couple of GIFs to the FTP
site. Despite what the CONTENTS file says, the files G-Burger.gif and MST3K.gif
were NOT done by Pat. I'd like to know how these look on other systems, as I
have an Amiga and can't actually see the 256 color display (they were converted
from a 24bit scan, the so-so quality is from the tape and the conversion).

 Is there anyone out there who would like the 24bit, IFF (HAM) or possibly
JPEG format of similar scans?

==========
Item 8:
==========
From: Tom Servo <[e-mail]>
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 92 13:46:49 PST
Subject: In reply to "Does MSTK edit?"

While trying to get to sleep one night over break, I turned on the TV to UHF
33 in my home town of Las Vegas, and, to my surprise, "Cave Dwellers" was
on!  I watched it, trying to remember all the right replies.  The movie
_was_ edited for MST3K:  they mostly just took out meaningless scenes with
Ator, the girl, and Gomez riding their horses over some hills and things
like that.

Also, the movie is _not_ called "Cave Dwellers," it is called "Ator the
Blademaster."

> And finally, what about the weird opening credit backgrounds?  Yup, how
> about the opening credits of "Pod People", which are set against a
> background of slow-mo posterized scenes which aren't even in the film?
> They do something similar for "Cave Dwellers", I believe.

When I saw it, it did _not_ have those funky credits (at least not at the end
-- I tuned in in the middle).  There was just a freezeframe of Ator on his
horse at the end, and they rolled credits over that.  Same names in the
credits, though.

Adam B. "Zaphod" Wells
[e-mail]
Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA

==========
Item 9:
==========
From: [e-mail]
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 92 07:51:30 CST
Subject: MST3K Air Schedule

Just FYI for everyone (they probably already know, though): for
the new year, the Saturday 12am (Central time zone) showing of
MST3K has been moved to Friday 11:30pm (one-half hour earlier).

Also, at the Ace Award ceremony, the first category awarded was
for best comedy series.  Nominees were "Dream On" (HBO), "Mystery
Science Theatre 3000" (Comedy Central), and "The Kids in the Hall"
(HBO).  As each nominee was announced, a short clip of each was
shown; for MST3K, two cheerleaders (one man and one woman?) were
doing a hip-thrusting and arm-raising routine while Joel & Co.
chanted "Look at my crotch, look at my crotch, loooooook at my
crotch!"  Hysterical!  Which movie was this from?

Unfortunately, "Dream On" won, but MST3K will always be a winner
to me.

                                      Dave Spensley

==========
Item 10:
==========
From: [e-mail]
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 92 17:20:14 EST
Subject: Creepy Girl, etc.

Greetings, Misties.

   I'm going to start out with a personal observation before I get to the main
point of this article.  By now, many of you have agreed to the fact that the
'Mr. B Natural' experiment is one of the funniest to date.  Watching this one
over and over again, I believe I can see why.  This is the first time that I
have ever witnessed our heroes almost _losing_ it.  Usually, Joel and the Bots
separate themselves from the film and characters enough so that they become
merely observers; passing the time with witticism and sarcasm.  'Mr. B Natural'
gave them a chance to interact with a character (and what a character).  Aside
from the ending of 'Cave Dwellers,' we for once see a film producing harmful
results on the experimentees, starting with Crow's, "Joel, I'm scared!"
Other examples include:

   CROW: "I feel ill."
         "Oh, my God!  Please say this isn't HAPPENING!"

   B Natural:   "And most of all, Buzz: fun, Fun, FUN!!
   CROW:        "Ulp.  That's nice. . .
                M-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M!!!!!!!"

   B Natural:   "Presto!"
   SERVO:       "Eh-heheh!"
   B Natural:   "Allegro!!"
   SERVO:       "M-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M!!!!!!!"

   B Natural:   (Trumpet chirps) "Doesn't Matter much?"
   JOEL:        "MOM!  DAD!  Tell me you heard that!"

And so on so on so forth.  It also helped that Mr. B Natural spoke to the
camera.  I've also noticed that some of their other experiments are best when
they can rag on one particular character throughout a film.  Turning Kenny into
a Damien-wanna-be made GAMERA excellent, and making Santa out to be a weed-
smokin' drunkard made SC CONQUERS THE MARTIANS enjoyable for ME, anyway.  Just
a thought.  Comments?

Now for something I hope you'll really like:  SERVO'S LOVE SONG TO CREEPY GIRL:


                      C R E E P Y   G I R L


(Tom Servo is watching a picture of Creepy Girl on the TV as Joel and Crow
 enter)

TOM:  (sobbing) Creepy Girl. (sniff)  Oh, Creepy Girl, little. . . Creepy
       Girl. (boo hoo hoo hoo)

JOEL: Geez.  What's wrong, Tom Servo?  You look as upset and downtrodden as
      a little robot with inarticulate limbs CAN look.

TOM:  Oh, it's Creepy Girl, Joel.  I just met a girl named Creepy Girl.  And
      suddenly, I find-- (music starts, lights dim)

CROW: I smell a song comin' on!

TOM:  Oh, Creepy Girl.

      (singing)   Lyle Waggoner's a total jerk. . .
                  second only to Tommy Kirk.
                  Could you find it in your heart
                  to love a 'Bot like me-hee-heee?
                  That fishy story you tell. . .
                  only makes me slee-hee-pyy.
                  But that's just what I get
                  for dating a girl that's cree-hee-pyyy!
                  MY. . . Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!

      (spoken) Oh, 'C' is for that feeling of uncertainty for not quite knowing
      what ethnic group you're from.
      'R' is for the gifts you give me every time you smile.
      The first 'E' is for-- uh, well, I don't really know.
      But the second 'E' is really a grammatical thing 'cause otherwise it would
        be 'Crepy Girl,' and where would that leave us?
      The 'P' is definately not for 'platonic.'
      And 'Y?'  Because I love you!

      (singing)   My-hyyyyy. . .!
                  Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!

      (spoken) Oh, what are you Creepy Girl?
      Are you French, Italian, or one of those swarthy Gypsy-types?  Haha.
      Well, you're accent suggests a romance language, but I can't be sure.
      Oh, we can definately rule out a Germanic language.  But it's OK!  I
      am a 'Bot without a country.  All I know is that I love you!  I want to
      shout it from the mountain tops! . . . Uh, but, I'd have to get back
      down to Earth and actually CLIMB a mountain.  Or they could just drop
      me off on a mountain.  I don't care!  That would be OK, because I
      just. . . need. . . YOU!

      (singing)   My-yyyy. . . Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!
                  Won't you be mi-hee-hiiine?!
                  I'll give you scrolls and fish
                  and tinker-toys and wi-hee-hiiine!
                  I'll ditch these guy-y-y-y-y-ys
                  if you'll be myyy Cree-hee-py Gir-HIRL!
                  Be-hee mi-hine  before. . .
                  Moo-hoo-vie  Si-i-i-i-i--hi-i-i-i-i-ign!

          <Movie Sign>

                  Ooh-ho!  Ooo-hooo!

(music ends)


There it be.  No movie quips in this article; I've taken up enough space.
Later, The Quack -- [e-mail]



SANTA: "and Dasher, and Dancer,. . . and Vixen, and Nixon!"

SERVO: "Heh, so what's in the pipe, Santa?"
   -SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, MST3K


[ Ed Hughes also sent along the Creepy Girl lyrics couple of days
later; I flipped a coin to decide which set to include here. ---Rsk ]

==========
Item 11:
==========
From: [e-mail] (Shuford Dobson)
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 92 20:23:17 EST
Subject: _The Castle of Fu Manchu_


I was so impressed by the wretchedness of MST3K's recent showing
of Christopher Lee's _The Castle of Fu Manchu_ that I looked up
the rest of the films in that esteemed series.  (I also have
noticed that Cinemax is currently showing one or more of these.)

1. The Face of Fu Manchu (1965)
     Fu tries to conquer the West.

2. The Brides of Fu Manchu (1966)
     Fu has a ray gun.

3. The Vengeance of Fu Manchu (1968)
     Fu tries to destroy a world police organization and
     Nayland Smith while he's at it.

4. The Blood of Fu Manchu (1968)
     Fu in the Amazon turns women into killer kissers.
     Also released as _Kiss and Kill_ and _Against All Odds_ (!).
     Released in black and white in the U.S.

5. The Castle of Fu Manchu (1968)
     Fu in Istanbul (not Constantinople) wants to turn the oceans
     into a giant ice cube. Possibly the worst movie of all time.
     Originally released in the U.S. as _Assignment Istanbul_.

Also deserving of mention is Peter Sellers' _The Fiendish Plot of
Dr. Fu Manchu_ (1980), so bad it killed him.

<[e-mail]>
THIS HAS BEEN A SANDY FRANK PRESENTATION

==========
Item 12:
==========
From: [e-mail]
Date: Thu, 23 Jan 92 14:03:32 -0800
Subject: "Explorer's Visit" sketch from "Jungle Goddess" experiment

             My best attempt at the 'Explorers Visit' sketch from the
                    Phantom Creeps/Jungle Goddess experiment.


<As the Gizmonic door closes, Joel and the 'bots are puzzled by a low whirring,
 humming sound which fills the ship>

Joel- What in the sam scratch is that noise?

Tom- It sounds like a mosquito about the size of your head just got sucked
     in through the access ports.

Crow- Oh, don't be absurd, a mosquito couldn't live in a vacuum.

Crow- Hey, there's a ship coming into range.

Joel- Hey, cambot give us, uh, Rocket #9, let's see what it looks like.

<Rocket #9 shows an exterior of the Satellite of Love, and an old british WWII
 plane approaching>

Joel- Hey, that's no mosquito, the british stopped using noahs(?) at the end
      of the war.

Tom- Hey look, something's coming in on the hex-field view screen.

<The Hex-field view screen reveals two men dressed in jungle explorer costumes.
 The man on the right (hence-forth man#2) holds a machine gun and is firing>

Man#1- Would you stop that. STOP IT! We're not sure if we don't understand them
       yet.

Man#2- <stops firing> Sorry, Sorry.

Joel- Hey what do you guys want?

Man#2- We want to shoot you. <begins firing again>

Man#1- Hey, Stop that. Stop it! You can't shoot through a view screen.

Man#2- <cease fire> Oh sorry, sorry.

Man#1- Let me. Uh, hello, greetings insignificant life forms, uh,
       we come baring gifts, beads, trinkits, uh, coke bottles, accesories..

Man#2- And bullets! <briefly resumes hail of bullets at view screen>

Tom- Uh, Joel, what the heck do they want.

Man#2- Actually, uh, our needs are rather simple, I, uh, brought a little,

<Searches through pockets, pulls out gun and hands to Man#2>

Man#2- brought a little list, uh..

<MAN#2 finds a crumpled up scrap of paper in his pockets and begins to unfold>

Man#2- ..all we need is, uh, ah here it is: mineral rights, woman, property,
       scalps, food, clothing, it's the standard list, uh, oh and we also want
       the, uh, cute ones head.

Crow- Uh, that must be you Joel.

Tom- Yeah, definatly Joel..

Joel- Hey, quiet you guys, we're talking to an alledged higher life-form,
      whatever that means.

Man#2- That's us. <Let's off another volley of bullets>

Man#1- Look now, if you could just pop that stuff over to our ship we'd
       greatly appreciate it. Oh, I brought a little treat for you, too.

<Man#1 pulls out a lighter>

Man#1- Uh, The magic fire stick.

Man#1&2- oooooh

Man#1- Also the ball in the cup trick, uuh

Man#2- We've also brought VD, smallpox, and, uh, the widowmaker <Fires gun again>

Man#1- Stop that, you idiot. Now, Mr. Joel..

Joel- Yeah..

Man#1- You are a white man with strange looking slave types...

Tom&Crow- Hey..

Man#1- why haven't you exploited them yet?

Man#2- Or at least shot them. <Lets off a few more bullets>

Joel- Hey, listen you two, these two 'slave types' happen to be my friends,
      and I don't know where you two get off waltzing around geo-synchronis
      orbit trying to throw your white male weight around. You got another
      thing coming, you're messin' with the satellite of love.

Tom&Crow- Yea!

Man#1- I see. <to Man#2>- Did you enjoy the turrine? The rodichio(sp) was picked
       fresh. <pause> Kill them.

<Man#2 continues to fire as the Hex-field view screen closes>

Tom- Oh, brother

Man#2- <as the screen is almost finished closing in his best Sting voice>
       I WILL kill him!

Joel- Man, we've got to stop giving our address out.

Tom- Yeah

Joel- You know that.

<Commercial sign background light and button turn on. Joel hits the button
 and they fade to logo and commercial>

[e-mail]
Oh, you're just gettin weird...and that results in creativity"
-Joel MST3K

==========
Item 13:
==========
From: [e-mail] (Ken Kaufman)
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 92 15:12:46 -0500
Subject: MST3K goes to the Super Bowl

Five of us had a mini-SuperBowl party, and we had a wonderful time in spite
of the lousy game and the fact that the group generallly had pro-Bills
leanings.  Many of the thanks for that can go to MST3K.

First of all, the impromptu invention exchange.  We provided a device by
which a person could work and watch the game at the same time by
generating random YAYs and BOOs when it sounded like something
interesting had happened, regardless of which team it happened to.  The
mad scientists responded with a truly useful device: the indoor
camera-mounted mini-blimp.

The early part of the game had the quality and consistency of, say,
Catalina Caper.  The guys in white made some bad mistakes, the fellows
in blue did even worse, and the men in the bad zebra suits stunk up the
joint too.  Eventually, one of the three got their act together and the
Super Bowl threatened to become a Super Bore.  Joel and the bots stepped
out.


   [Cut to the interior of the Satellite of Love where the gang gives its
   impression of the Pepsi ad campaign.  Gypsy has just chomped off the
   bottom of a Pepsi billboard that happens to be there.]

   Joel:  Gypsy, why did you do that?  Now we don't have any Pepsi slogan.

   Tom:  That was Gypsy's way of subtly saying that "the choice of a new
   generation" was bombing big time.

   Joel:  Hmmmm ... then we'd better get a new slogan.  Any ideas?

   Crow:  We burned Michael Jackson's hair?

   Tom:  All of my men drink Pepsi, or nothing at all.

   Frank:  Pepsi, almost as good as New Coke.

   Tor Johnson:  Time for go to sleep.

   Gypsy:  Gotta drink it.

   Joel:  If any of you have any ideas, send them to Pepsi Slogan Contest,
   MSB3K, PO Box XVI, Frostbite Falls MN, 54321.  Oh no, Football Sign!


Joel and the Bots were almost nodding off when Bills quarterback Jim
Kelly threw a pass to #82, Don Beebe.  Alert viewers were sure to notice
his potential relation to Phantom Creeps personality and name extraordinaire,
Ford Beebe.  A swarm of "Beebe Beebe"s rose from the front row, and that
was the majority of what was spoken the rest of the game.


   Tom:  Professor Crow, is there any relationship between Ford and Don
   Beebe?

   Crow:  I'm glad you asked; as a matter of fact, there's a whole
   Beebe Familyly Treetree.

                       Colt Beebe, inventor of the BB gun
                                       |
                                       |
                                      Ford
                                     Beebe
                                       |
                                       |
          -----------------------------+--------------------------
          |          |        |        |       |        |        |
         Don      Reverse    The     Andre    The     Bebe      BB
        Beebe      Beebe  Anti-Beebe  Reed  Reverse  Rebozo    King
        BILLS      BILLS   REDSKINS  BILLS Anti-Beebe
         #82        #28      #82      #83   REDSKINS
                                     (The     #28
                                  Wannabeebe)


Dr Forrester:  How are you enjoying our experiment?  Too tame?  Perhaps
you would enjoy this little "short".  I call it The Halftime Show.

All:  Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!

For a while we checked out the overhyped but lame fare on Fox.  Then we
switched back in time to see Snow Thrills II: The Sequel.  No "sheeing",
but some narrowly averted collisions and falls.

It had gotten very silly out by the second half.  All that remained was
counting the bodily fluids named by John Madden.


   Pat Summercrow:  And James Lofton takes a big hit from Wilbur Marshall.

   John Servo:  You could hear the BOOM up here.  That's the kind of hit
   that knocks the pus from all your pores.

   Pat:  Here's the snap, and Kelly looks like he slipped as he was
   stepping back.

   John:  You know, that steroid-laden hemoglobin can be mighty slippery
   on the field.

   Joel the Ref:  Offsides, Number sev-ty six.

   John:  Did you hear that?  As he started to say the number, he got a
   little phlegm caught in his throat!

   Pat:  Now Norwood's lining up for the field goal.

   John:  Back when I was in college, I knew this kicker who always had
   a stain on his ...

And so it went, in perfect symmetry.  The game started twice, ended
twice, and gave great hope that more Tagliabue productions will be
beamed up to the Satellite of Love.  A mammoth four hours after kickoff,
the teams left the field, and we gleefully Pushed The Button.

Ken Kaufman ([e-mail])

==========
Item 14:
==========
From: [e-mail] (CHARLES JORDAN)
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 1:34:17 EST
Subject: And we've never felt less like hearing you...


Well, since the topic of MST Syndrome among us fans has been hot lately, I
thought I'd add my own lame stories of how friends and I have proven that
we're just not as talented as Joel and the 'bots:

during ALIENS:
[the scene in which the robot guy is just about to be torn in half by the
 Queen Alien]
"Oh, I shouldn't've had the clam --- chowder!!!"
[where he's lying on the loading bay]
"Oh look, he's beside himself."
[and when Ripley uses the blowtorch from the loader device on the Queen Alien]
"How about a little fire, scarecrow?"  [stolen from MST]

INDIANA JONES and the LAST CRUSADE:
[as Indy is about to enter Grail Room, Knight is reading from a big book]
"INDY enters, KNIGHT stands and swings sword.  KNIGHT: 'You've come.'" [in
a deeper, more dramatic voice] "You've come.  So, you've finally come.  You've
... come."  [INDY enters, he picks up sword and falls over.]  "Damn!  Can we
reshoot that?  My fault."
[as Indy and Elsa are looking for the real Grail]
"Well, for starters, we know it's not one of the plates."
[as Indy pours the Grail water on Sean Connery's wound]
"Yeah, I think that was Matthew 3:17 -- Jesus changed the water to Bactine."

Maybe I'd better leave this stuff to trained professionals.  Speaking of
which, are there any lines used in MST 3K that you think could've been
funnier?  Or ones that the guys missed?  Personally, all during Fugitive
Alien, I wanted one of them to say "Stay on target... Stay on target...
Almost there... All... most... there...."  And, in Master Ninja, the
discourse:
    "You're a dancer -- Dance!"
    "You're an actor -- Act!"
would've been a little funnier if they had said "You're a Ninja -- Ninje!"
And in Posture Pals, when the girl dreams of getting her Academy Award, Crow
rattles off his (IMHO lame) Carol Channing impression.  I would've preferred
a line like "And the award for Most Erect Actress goes to..." or even
"You like me!  You really like me!"

It seems that the hipper among us are a little too smug about the obscure
references (with lines like "If I have to explain it, it won't be funny")
but dammit, I wanna know!  8-)  Could anybody explain the lines, from
Fugitive Alien:  "he's got little pants"  It was repeated several times.
Is the "Hai Kiba!" from any particular movie, or is it just a Kung Fu noise?
The same for  "then you Die Joe... [or Dai Jo, or whatever]"  as in:
"Frank, come in for breakfast."   "I'm playing."  "Then you Die, Joe..."

I've always wondered what would happen if Joel missed a movie sign?  Frank's
refused to push the button once or twice; what would happen to Joel if he
didn't panic and run?  And how does he eat and breathe?

And now for the transcription part of our show:
People asked about the Eno Lekapalous lines in Catalina Caper
(which, incidentally, had these choice quotes:
 "Come on you hoe daddies, let's burn some books!"
 "Hey look at this, 'White People Voted the Best in the World'"
 "Meanwhile, in the dark impenetrable void, Jean-Paul Sartre was a-movin' and
  a-groovin'"   "No Exit, man"
 "Breathe through your mouth."   "Not through your hands." )
Well, the first few were:
 "Our friend Eno Lekapolos"   CROW:  "He's the topalos!"
 "...he's got a collection of stolen art treasures in his castle."
                SERVO: "The Arts Populous"
 "Why would he wanna steal this scroll?"
                JOEL: "Cause he's unscropolous"
But my favorite one (as well as being one of my favorite MST 3K quotes) was:
 CROW: "He was trying to sell the scroll to Vino Lekapolous."
 JOEL: "Do the worm on necropolis"
 SERVO: "Slam Dance Cosmopolis!"
Because it's the first MST obscure quote I was hip enough to catch!  (from
the Clash album "Combat Rock," the song "Ghetto Defendant."  Woooo!  A quote
I caught!  Long live the Clash!  JOEL [during hat party]:"I Am an AnarCHIST")

And here's the whole damn Creepy Girl Song:

[ What, again?  Is everyone fixated on that creepy girl?!
Deleted to save some space, and 'cause it was included above.  ---Rsk ]

And, just for kicks, the Mr B Natural theme song:
    Come on and buy some crap from us,
    You know that you want to,
    And the white race will salute you,
    As you prance and gad about!
(as sung by Conn LTD and the New Power Generation.  CONNNNN!)

Chuck Jordan           |  "Hey Lee, you wanna check those bags at the
[e-mail]   |   door?"    --  MST 3000

==========
Item 15:
==========
From: [e-mail] (Rob Winters)
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 1992 12:02:06 EST
Subject: favorite moments, SOL structure, 12 step

Hey, thanks for the back issues and the SOL subscription! It's nice to
see lunatics with good taste getting together in such an organized
fashion. I've been MST3K'ing for some time now, but not nearly as long
as some of you.

I had a great time re-watching "It Conquered the World" last night. I
noticed a great continuity error that the SOL crew didn't seem to
comment on. The jeep driven throughout the movie has a "NO RIDERS"
sign that appears and disappears at will throughout the movie. The
opening newsreel ("Blood on the Ice") is great stuff as well. The
announcer insists that this *new* sport of skiing is pronounced
"SHEE-ING", to which Joel replies, "Oh, yeah? Well you're full of
SKIT!".

"It Conquered the World" also has a great "Letters" segment at the end
where Crow and Servo are mercilessly berating Gypsy and some poor
little kid who wrote in (not-exact quotes follow):

Joel: We'll get Gypsy to read this letter!

Crow: I guess we can all go off and take a nap now while Gypsy reads a
      letter...

Gypsy: ...I really lick your show...

Tom: I think that'd be "LIKE", Gypsy...

Joel: No, actually, it *is* "lick". See?...

Tom: Boy, am *I* embarrassed!

Crow: He probably *does* lick the show.

Gypsy: ...but those mad PSCIENTISTS really scare me...

Tom: SCIENTISTS, Gypsy, SCIENTISTS!!!

Joel: No, no, it's "pscientists"...

Tom: Oh, for CRYING OUT LOUD!

Anyway, either it was pretty funny or I was pretty punchy.

Does anyone remember a break scene during "Gamara Vs. Gaos" where
Joel is having a craft hour and the robots are wise-cracking and
encouraging the kids to do dangerous things with craft implements.

Joel: and when you're done, your Gaos should look like this...

Crow (maybe?): and if it doesn't, you'll never amount to anything.

That's one that I don't have on tape yet, but thought was classic
stuff. I remember that the bots were clucking a lot. Was that a carry-
over from a previous skit? It's been a while.

My wife sez that she notices a fair number of 12-step program
references in MST3K as well as a thanks to "Bill W." in the credits.
She was wondering if "Keep Circulating the Tapes" was also an
electronic version of "Keep Coming Back" (as well as its more
obvious meaning). Comments?

Oh, yeah. Another question: At "movie sign", Joel grabs a rail and
swings through a hexagonal portal stage right. Presumably, Crow
follows him. Cambot travels through the numbered doors. How does
Servo get to the theatre, since Joel needs both hands to swing
through the portal? Does anyone else remember seeing Joel do this?
Also, since the spaceship is basically an oblong object with balls
at both ends, are we to assume that the theatre is at one and, and
the "break room" at the other, with the doors dividing them? These
are important questions, I realize.

Yours in mystery pscience,

Rob Winters
[e-mail]

==========
Item 16:
==========
From: [e-mail] (CHARLES JORDAN)
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 12:10:29 EST
Subject: Enough already!

I noticed that one of the commentors to the SOL News (I forgot his name, sorry)
said that "He didn't think that Joel and the 'bots were trekkies."  Well, I
thought that they came right out and said it during Fugitive Alien, with all
the jokes at the beginning ragging on Star Trek and Dr Who and Battlestar
Galactica fans.  "Oh, cool, this is just like Star Trek Episode 35 Season 1
with all Klingons and the Star Cruiser"  "No, no it's just like the Doctor Who
with the Fifth Generation of the Doctor and the Doctor and..."  Making fun of
all these jerks who take these shows way too seriously.
    Hmmm.... I wonder if someday on Star Trek: The Next Generation, they'll
be making fun of us?  "Hmm, Captain.  We seem to have stumbled on some sort
of strange religion.  These people -- they have a bizarre fixation with bad
movies and keep referring to some god-king they call 'The Joel.'  If only we
could decipher their strange language -- what does this phrase, 'Oh, I hate
to shoot a butt like that' mean?"  "I've discovered the secret!  An entire
society that speaks only in references!  Not even their own people can under-
stand them!"

    Somebody else mentioned that the fourth season had ended -- what hap-
pened with the Master Ninja chuck ideas contest?  I missed Master Ninja part
2.  I hope they didn't already read the letters; I just sent in mine yesterday!
(I'm not telling ANYBODY what my ideas were until I find out for a fact that
they're not going to read my letter on the air.)  In fact, have they announced
winners for ANY contest?  The only one I've seen them read a letter to was
the "cool thing we saw" contest.  (It was Mexican stop-light candy.)
    Nobody seems to have answered the requests for the MST3000 version of
Entertainment Tonight.  Maybe we should contact the company directly; I would
kill (or seriously wound (or at least wheedle to the point of annoyance)) to
see this episode.  (Since when did Entertainment Tonight get self-referential?
They had Leeeeza Gibbbons and John Tesh in Soapdish as well.)
    The between-show segments on the making of MST3K during Turkey Day were
great!  The only ones I managed to tape were Fans of MST3000 and The Making of
MST3000.  Were there any others?  Since they use shadowrama and a monitor at
floor level, I wonder how Joel manages to do all the peering-over-chairs and
cleaning-people's-glasses and such.  Did he used to be a weatherman?  And how
does he eat and breathe?  And other science facts?  (I think I'm vapor locked.
I need to repeat to myself, it's just a show.  I should really just relax.)

chuck jordan               | "Come on you hoe-daddies!  Let's burn some books!"
[e-mail]   |            -- MST 3000

==========
Item 17:
==========
From: "Eli Messinger" <[e-mail]>
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 16:03:29 -0800
Subject: Movie editing

In SoLN#13 Tom Krajna wondered if MST3K ever edits the movies they
show.  I don't know for certain, but a friend of mine suggested that
at least one scene was probably cut out of "Side Hackers" due to
violence.  This is the scene that would have showed the bikers
murdering the hero's girlfriend.  The film does have a lack of
continuity at that point (not that it doesn't elsewhere!), and its
not hard to believe that the MST gang felt the violence inappropriate
for their younger audience.

    "Even... the... grass... is... druggggged."

 ... eli

==========
Item 18:
==========
From: Major Matt Mason <[e-mail]>
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 21:52:41 EDT
Subject: MST3K February Lineup

Just got my monthly listing from Comedy Central today; here's the
February, 1992 MST3K lineup:

2/01, 10 am & 7 pm:  Robot vs. Aztec Mummy

2/07, 10 am & 12:30 am:  Wild Rebels

2/08, 10 am & 7 pm:  The Mad Monster

2/14, 10 am & 12:30 am:  The Lost Continent

2/15 (Pre-empted by the Wayne's World Marathon.  Totally cool. NOT!!!)

2/21, 10 am & 12:30 am:  Hell Cats

2/22, 10 am & 7 pm:  Women of the Prehistoric Planet

2/28, 10 am & 12:30 am:  King Dinosaur

2/29, 10 am & 7 pm:  The Corpse Vanishes

All times are Eastern & Pacific.

Major Matt "By this time, my lungs were-" "CROW!!!" "Sorry." Mason