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They All Laughed At Me Wh…to Write a Joke Book 3.5
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1995-07-10
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POEMS
***
THIS END UP
God gave us two ends:
One to sit on,
One to use.
Success depends
on which you use:
Heads you win,
Tails you lose!
***
POETS
1
He's a poet and don't know it.
But his feet show it
They are long fellows.
2
He's a poet and don't know it.
But his wallet shows it.
He's very Poe.
***
CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring--
Th' spoons wuz all dirty.
***
RUNAWAY
There was an old man from Nantucket,
Who kept his cash in a bucket.
One day his daughter Nan
Ran away with a man.
And as fer the bucket,
Nan tuck it.
***
MICE
Hickory, dickory, dock,
Two mice ran up the Clock.
The clock struck one,
But the other escaped
With minor injuries
And superficial lacerations
About the head and shoulders.
***
GARDENS
Little Miss Mary
Quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With Vigero,
You Schmo!
***
STARKLE, STARKLE
Starkle, starkle, little twink.
You're so very high up there, I think.
Up above the scarry sty,
Like a dime one
In the sky.
Swhisshy May, Swhisshy Mite,
Haime what I swhish tonite.
***
SOBERLY PERFECT
I jus' had tee martuniees,
An' I'm soberly perfect.
In fack,
I'm not as drunk
As some thinkle
Peep I am.
***
DRIVIN' ME NUTZ
If you drive, don't drink.
If you drink, don't drive.
If you think, don't drink.
If you drink, you don't think.
***
FAST
1
There once was a young lady named Bright,
Whose speed was faster than light.
She went away one day in a relative way,
And came back the previous night.
2
There once was a young lady named Bright,
Whose speed was faster than light.
She went away one day in a relative way.
And came back and gave me a sunburn.
***
BOO BOO
Harry was a chemist,
But Harry is no more.
What he drank for H2O.
Was H2SO4.
***
SKINNY
There was a young lady named Lynn,
Whose form was so exceedingly thin,
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped through the straw
And fell in.
***
DELICACY
An epicure, while dining in Caru
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Whispered the waiter, Don't Shout
Und schling it about
Or Der rest vill be vanting one too!
***
EXTERMINATOR
Fly, little 'skeeterhawk,
On gossamer wings.
And gobble-up bugs
What bites and stings!
***
APPETITE
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
And sat down beside her.
And she ate him, too--hey!
***
HEALTH NUTS
Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean.
And so, you see, between them both,
Their cholesterol averaged mean.
***
HUH?
Thirty days has September,
April, June and No wonder!
All the rest got peanut butter sammiches,
'Cept grammaw--she got a little red motorcycle.
***
SHAKESPEARE
'Twas in the cafe
Where they met,
This Romeo and Juliet.
He had no cash to pay the debt,
So Romie owed what Julie et.
***
JAYBIRD
Down in the holler
Not very far off.
A Jaybird caught a case
of whoopin' cough.
He whooped and he hollered
and he whooped and he coughed.
'Til he whooped his haid
and his tail right off!
***
RARE
Once upon a midnight dreary,
While I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint idea with my computer,
There was a slight noise--an intruder!
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Opened the shutters and raised the sash.
Then what to my wondrous eyes should see on the ledging!
But what appeared to be a fuzzball fledgling.
After a short search in my CD ROM encyclopedia
"He is a Rari!" said my multimedia.
(Not much was known about them.)
They were just rare
And needed tons of tender-loving care.
(And tons of food, too!)
Not a sound did he utter
As he ate bread and butter.
And he ate everything else in the house
Except Snuffy my dog and Carolyn my spouse.
I couldn't afford to feed him
And the zoo didn't need him.
I was in a stew,
So I did what I had to do.
I loaded him on my flatbed truck
And drove him over the cliff to chuck.
He looked at me with mournful eyes,
And to my great surprise,
Spoke his first words recordari,
"That's a long way to tip a Rari!"
***
PC
A frequent flyer
had this poem
printed on the reverse
of his business card:
I see that you smoke.
I want to warn you, I chew.
If you don't blow smoke on me,
I won't spit on you!
***
SHE SLIPPED IN
Slippery ice--very thin;
Pretty girl--tumbled in.
Gave a shriek--then she sank.
Boy on hand--heard her shout;
Jumped right in--pulled her out.
Now he's hers--very nice;
But first she had to break the ice.
***
BODY BY FISSURE
Susie had a mama cat.
She fed her on tin cans.
And when the kittens came along,
they came in FORD sedans!
***
PATCHES IN NATCHEZ
There once was a young lady from Natchez
Whose clothes were covered in patches.
When asked why
She would reply
When it itches
I scratches!
***
PEANUT
Little peanut
crawled upon
the railroad track.
His heart was all aflutter.
Roar!
Squish!
Peanut butter.
***
TRIPE
Tripe, tripe
the more you eat
the less you gripe.
The less you gripe
the better you feel.
So eat your tripe
at every meal.
***
TWO DEAD BOYS
'Twas early in the morning
in the middle of the night
when two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back
they faced each other
drew their swords
and shot each other.
A deaf policeman
upon hearing the noise
came and shot
the two dead boys.
***
LIGHT CHARADE
'Twas early in the morning
in the noonday shade
when the Russians caught
the charge of the light brigade.
Cannons to the left
cannons to the right
and the cheerleaders
were yelling
Fight! Fight! Fight!
(But we were all killed).
***
POLITICAL SPEECH
Ladies and gentlemen
hobos and tramps
crosseyed mosquitoes
and bowlegged ants:
I stand before you
to stand behind you.
As you all know
next Thursday is Good Friday.
There will be
a Father's Day meeting
for mothers only.
No admission
pay at the door.
Pull up a chair
and sit on the floor.
***
NON-SENSES
"Let me see, now,"
said the blind carpenter
to his deaf daughter
as he picked up his hammer
and saw!
***
END
