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They All Laughed At Me Wh…to Write a Joke Book 3.5
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1995-03-06
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MISCELLANEOUS
***
NO BRUSIN' SUSAN
Susan's mother enrolled her in school.
She instructed the teacher,
"If my daughter gets unruly in class,
just slap the girl next to her
and it will intimidate Susan!"
***
THE PAINTER
A bum rang the doorbell of a house in a
wealthy neighborhood. The maid opened the
door.
Bum: "Ma'am, could youse spare a
sandwich?"
Maid: "I'll make you a sandwich, but
you'll have to work for it. Here, take this
green paint around back and paint the porch."
About an hour later the bum rang the
front doorbell.
Bum: "Well, I did what you asked. But
that wasn't no Porsche, it was a BMW!"
***
SPECIAL
Craig, my wife's nephew, went to a
convenience store to purchase charcoal that
was on sale. He loaded up ten bags of
charcoal in his shopping cart and went to the
checkout stand.
"I'm sorry sir," the cashier
contested,"but you are limited to one bag
of charcoal with a ten dollar purchase."
"Yeah, I know," retorted Craig. "That's
why I didn't buy ten dollars worth of goods--
I didn't want to be limited to one bag of
charcoal!"
The confused cashier rang up ten bags
of charcoal at the sale price.
***
TEXAS
A Texan was being introduced
to a Louisianian:
"Louisiana? The Texan asked, "Isn't that
an outlying province of Texas?"
"Impossible!" said the Louisianian,
"Nothing can outlie Texas!"
***
ARKANSAS
12TH GRADE READING TEST
SLICK WILLY, ADMINISTRATOR
TEST #1
MR DUCKS!
MR NOT!
OSAR
CM WANGS?
LIB
MR DUCKS!
TEST #2
MR FARMERS!
MR NOT!
OSAR
CMMT POCKETS?
LIB
MR FARMERS
TEST #3
MR SNAKES!
MR NOT!
OSAR
CM BDIS
LIB
MR SNAKES
TEST #4
MR MICE!
MR NOT!
OSAR
CMEDBD FEET?
LIB
MR MICE
***
ARKANSAS
POETRY
LOOKIT JO
SEEDEM GO
TOUSAN BUZZES INARO
NO JO
DEMS TRUX
SUMMIT COWS
SUMMIT DUX
***
HE'S OUT!
Did you hear about the firefly
that flew backwards into the fan?
He was delighted no end.
***
THE SEAT OF THE PROBLEM
Did you year about the butcher
who backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
***
POOR
We were so poor growing up that:
1
We couldn't pay attention.
2
We ate beans for breakfast,
drank water for dinner,
and swelled up for supper.
3
When we were robbed,
all the robber got
was practice.
***
BIG MOUTH
My girlfriend had such a big mouth that
She could eat a banana sideways.
Once, I took her to a football game.
At the kickoff, the ball was heading for us
and I yelled, "Duck!"
"I don't see no duck," she said.
And if she hadn't had her mouth open
that football would have hit her right in the face.
***
NOT MUCH OF A MAN
A trucker was having a hamburger
at a diner when a dozen bikers
came in. One sat on his left side
reached over and took a bite out of
his hamburger. Another on his right
took a sip of his coffee. The trucker
quietly got up, paid the cashier and left.
"Not much of a man,"
said a biker to the waitress.
"Not much of a driver, either,"
said the waitress,
"He just ran over a dozen motorcycles!"
***
ABOUT HAWAII
Well, Hilo, Hawaii?
Fine, Oahu?
***
OLD CURIOUS MIXTURE
They're mixing Energine with Pepsi now.
It not only hits the spot
It removes it.
***
COMMERCIAL
She's lovely!
She's engaged!
She uses Ponds!
(So do frogs)
***
GRANOLA COUNTRY
California is granola country:
The land of fruits, nuts and flakes.
***
AUCTION
A gentleman handed the auctioneer a
note, which he read silently, and then made
this announcement,
"Mr. Jones has lost his wallet with 2000
dollars inside and he is offering 200
dollars."
After a brief pause, a hand was raised
in the crowd, and the man responded,
"I'll bid 210!"
(Paul Harvey)
***
THE WAITRESS
I was in a restaurant the other day.
Finally the waitress arrived and asked,
"You been waiting long?"
"Nah," I answered,"I needed a shave before I came."
She brought me some CHICKEN NOODLE soup.
After tasting the soup, I commented,
"I always wondered what they did
with those CHICKEN HEADS."
She poured me a cup of coffee.
"This coffee tastes like mud!"
I exclaimed.
"It should," she responded,
"It was GROUND this morning."
There was a fly in my soup,
so I queried,
"What's that fly doing in my soup?"
"Well, I don't rightly know,"
she replied,
"But it looks like the breast stroke."
Later she asked for a tip.
"Don't play the horses,"
I advised.
"I wouldn't bet on it,"
she countered.
***
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS
Two businessmen were talking on the phone:
"I heard you're having a fire sale, Abe."
"No, Sam, its a going-out-of business sale.
Fire sale is next week."
***
TRUE FRIENDSHIP
I was talking with a fellow pastor:
"We were visiting some friends..."
"John," he interupted,
"I didn't know you had any friends."
***
CHINESE LAUNDRY
I dropped some laundry off
at a Chinese Laundry the other day.
"I couldn't help but notice
the name of your establishment,
`Franz Heinz Laundry,'"
I stated.
"Well, it happened this way,"
he explained.
"I was in line to apply for citizenship.
The guy ahead of me was named Franz Heinz.
When they asked me my name,
I answered, `Sam Ting.'"
***
KING OF THE JUNGLE
A lion strutted
to the center of a jungle clearing
and let out a terrific ROAR.
All the animals
stampeded into hiding
except a lone, frightened,
shivering monkey.
"Little monkey," the lion asked,
"Why can't you ROAR like that?"
The monkey replied meekly,
"I been sick!"
***
MOTHER'S ADVICE
My mother used to tell me this
every morning before I left for school:
"Son," she would say,
"Don't forget to breathe today.
Just remember your father.
He quit breathing
and just look where it got him."
***
YOU'LL GET A BANG OUT OF THIS
Someone had been fishing with dynamite
and the local game warden
had and out-of-town game warden
come in for a sting operation.
The undercover game warden looked around
and finally arranged a fishing trip
with the suspect.
Sure enough, when they had gone several miles
the suspect pulled out a stick of dynamite
lit it, and threw it into the water.
The undercover officer said,
"Don't you know that is illegal?"
The fisherman calmly lit another stick
and handed it to the officer, saying,
"Are you going to just sit there and talk
or are you going to fish?"
***
WHO?
"Johnny," the teacher asked.
"Who discovered America?"
"Who do you think, Teacher?" Johnny answered.
"I don't think--I know!" she shot back.
"Well, I don't think I know, either,"
Johnny responded.
***
TALKING DOG
How to get a talking dog:
1
Buy a good WATCHDOG.
2
Dip him in sheep dip to get rid of TICKS.
3
Then, all he will do is TOC.
***
HONEST, ABE!
Lincoln watched a lady cross the street
who had a feather in her hat.
When she tripped and fell, he exclaimed,
"Look at that!
A feather on one end,
And down on the other!"
***
TIME
When Einstein wrote his
Theory of Relativity,
his wife commented,
"It's about time!"
***
IT'S TIME!
The bald men's club moved again.
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
***
COMPLIMENT
A friend would only have one date with a girl
and she wouldn't go out with him again.
"Try complimenting her," I suggested.
The next day, I asked him if he got another date.
"No."
"Did you compliment her?"
"Well, yes.
I couldn't think of anything at first.
I finally said,
`You know, for a fat girl, you don't sweat much.'"
(Andy Griffin)
***
STRONGER
My father-in-law carried a few groceries
from the grocery store and commented,
"I must be getting stronger--
I used not to be able to carry $10 worth of groceries."
***
COMFORTER
A drunk staggered down the aisle of flight #333.
He fell against a seat
and looked into the face of a baby, commenting,
"Lady, that is the ugliest kid I ever saw!"
The young mother burst into tears.
A stewardess, attempting to comfort her, said,
"May I bring you a drink or something?"
"I'll have a Coke," she sobbed.
The stewardess returned with the drink
and said to her,
"Here's your Coke."
"And, Oh! Here's a banana for your monkey."
***
TREED
A young mother was pushing her baby in a baby carriage.
Red Skelton came by, looked into the carriage and said,
"Don't get him close to a tree, or you'll lose him!"
(Red Skelton)
***
OBSCENE
Once upon a time, in the twenty-first century
there lived a very busy businessman.
In order to save time,
he commissioned a genetic scientist
to make a clone of himself.
At first the clone worked out well.
The clone attended less important meetings
and made low-level decisions
which saved the businessman time.
However, something went wrong and
the clone went bad--cursing,
making bad decisions, etc.
When he could take it no more,
the businessman pushed the clone out of a
fifty story window.
The police were in a quandary.
They could not charge him with murder.
How can you murder yourself
and still be alive?
Finally, the district attorney
settled with this charge:
"We'll charge him
with making an obscene clone fall."
***
ALIEN CORN
Once upon a time, somewhere in the universe,
the good crew of the Enterprise went on a mission.
They were to make first contact
with a life form called The Furries.
They were cute little fuzzballs
with pleasant dispositions like Rush Limbaugh.
After beaming down to the planet's surface,
the Captain and the away team
were taken down into a subterranean tunnel.
Finally, they arrived at a cavernous throne room.
There on a throne was a furry with
a crown that looked like a hypodermic syringe.
You guessed it!
He was the Furry with the Syringe on Top.
***
STOOGES
Larry: "I'm positive!"
Moe: "Only fools are positive!"
Larry: "Are you sure?"
Moe: "I'm positive!"
***
TRAINED ANTS
A inmate in a prison
spent 10 years training
an ant circus.
After getting out of prison,
he went into a bar
opened a box and
dumped his trained ants on the bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he said, while pointing,
"See those ants?"
"Pesky little things,"
the barkeeper replied
as he squashed them with his thumb.
***
ANOTHER FEDERAL HOLIDAY?
It has been rumored that
all federal offices will now close
to honor
George Birthington's Washday.
***
GUESS WHAT, MISTER?
A small boy approached a man
standing near the door of a department store.
"Mister, would you please hold this box
while I go inside?" the boy asked?
While he was holding the box
it started leaking.
"I wonder what it is?"
he said to himself
as he touched the liquid to his tongue.
"Tastes like beer,"
he mumbled to himself.
At that time
the boy burst through the door with
"Thanks, mister,
for holding my puppy."
***
HOW ABOUT BREAKFAST?
If we had some bacon,
we could have some bacon and eggs
if we had some eggs.
***
NAAPWT,IC,DC
Send me a donation
and you can join my exclusive club,
the National Association for the Advancement
of Po' White Trash,
Incarcerated, Discombobulated,
of which I am the lifetime president,
treasurer
and sole recipient.
***
FLOOR SHOW
Why did Goofy
cut a hole in the carpet?
He wanted to see
the floor show.
Why did he cover it up?
He didn't want to see
the hole show.
***
STOP AND SHOP AD
We buy junk
and sell antiques.
***
END
