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Text File  |  1995-03-22  |  10KB  |  187 lines
  1.  
  2.                                   MEDICAL JOKES
  3.  
  4.                                        ***
  5.                                    TWO OF 'EM!
  6.                        During  my  hernia  surgery  in  the  VA
  7.                   Hospital in Kansas City, Tom, a young medical
  8.                   student was assigned to interview me.  He was
  9.                   also a  practicing attorney.  He was pleasant
  10.                   and  a good sport.  I couldn't resist telling
  11.                   him this joke:
  12.                        Mr.  Jones was  dying.   He  called  his
  13.                   doctor and his  lawyer to his bedside.   They
  14.                   both entered quietly  and stood solemnly near
  15.                   the  door.  When  Mr. Jones continued  to lay
  16.                   there  with his  eyes  closed, his  physician
  17.                   broke the silence.
  18.                        "Mr. Jones,  we're here--what  would you
  19.                   like us to do?"
  20.                        Mr Jones  answered with an  impish grin,
  21.                   "Just stand on one side of  the bed, and have
  22.                   my lawyer stand  on the other--I want  to die
  23.                   like my Lord--a thief on both sides!"
  24.                                        ***
  25.                                   PSYCHOCERAMICS
  26.                        There's a new medical specialty now,
  27.                              called psychoceramics--
  28.                              the study of crackpots.
  29.                                        ***
  30.                                    DEFINITIONS
  31.                           A NEUROTIC builds aircastles.
  32.                             A PSYCHOTIC lives in them.
  33.                       And a psychiatrist collects the rent!
  34.                                        ***
  35.                                    DEFINITIONS
  36.                            A NEUROTIC knows 2 + 2 = 4 
  37.                            But it makes him so nervous.
  38.                            A PSYCHOTIC knows 2 + 2 = 5
  39.                           But it only works in HIS mind.
  40.                            A SOCIOPATH  knows 2 + 2 = 4
  41.                              But he could care less.
  42.                                        ***
  43.                                   DAFFY-NITIONS
  44.                               PARADOX:  Two doctors.
  45.                               DOCTRINE: Lady doctor.
  46.                     MEDICINE: Something you shake up and take.
  47.                       RUG: Something you take up and shake.
  48.                            EPISTLE: Wife of an Apostle.
  49.                                        ***
  50.                                   SECOND OPINION
  51.                            "Joe, you have appendicitis,"
  52.                               pronounced the doctor,
  53.                           "Twenty-five dollars, please."
  54.                             "I want a second opinion,"
  55.                                   Joe requested.
  56.                           "Okay, you have gall stones,"
  57.                               announced the doctor,
  58.                              "fifty dollars, please."
  59.                             (The Born Loser, adapted)
  60.                                        ***
  61.                                       X-RAYS
  62.                              My doctor is wonderful.
  63.                                   Once, in 1955,
  64.                        when I couldn't afford an operation,
  65.                             he touched up the X-rays.
  66.                                   (Joey Bishop)
  67.                                        ***
  68.                                      NURSERY
  69.                                  When I was born,
  70.                       some said that I took after my mother.
  71.                       Some said that I took after my father.
  72.                               But I fooled 'em all.
  73.                              I took after the nurse!
  74.                                   (Red Skelton)
  75.                                        ***
  76.                                      EPITAPH
  77.                          These words were found inscribed
  78.                          on a hypochondriac's tombstone:
  79.                             "I told you I was sick." 
  80.                                        ***
  81.                                       WHAT?!
  82.                                 Nurse to patient:
  83.                                "Wake up, Mr. Jones.
  84.                           Time for your sleeping pill!"
  85.                                        ***
  86.                             TAKE HIS PULSE--HIS PULSE!
  87.                          The doctor felt the man's purse
  88.                            And said there was no hope.
  89.                                 (Norton Mockridge)
  90.                                        ***
  91.                                    JIMMY HOFFA
  92.                              They found Jimmy Hoffa.
  93.                           He was on the maternity ward,
  94.                                 Organizing labor.
  95.                                        ***
  96.                                     GRADUATION
  97.                        A high school principal was visiting his
  98.                   friend,  Ben,  in  a state  asylum.    In the
  99.                   course  of  their  conversation,  his  friend
  100.                   said,  
  101.                        "You know, Sam, we are  both from mental
  102.                   institutions,   but   you    have   to   show
  103.                   improvement to get out of mine!"
  104.                                        ***
  105.                                     IZZAT SO?
  106.                     A young medical student was interviewing 
  107.                         patients on the psychiatric ward.
  108.                              "And who are you, sir?"
  109.                    he asked a man with a paper hat on sideways.
  110.                                  "I'm Napoleon!"
  111.                                he replied proudly.
  112.                       "Who told you that you were Napoleon?"
  113.                                 the student asked.
  114.                                     "God did!"
  115.                                   he proclaimed.
  116.                            Just then, a voice piped up
  117.                             from the back of the room,
  118.                                    "I did not!"
  119.                                        ***
  120.                                    BRAIN POWER
  121.                        The  brain is  a  wonderful  organ.   It
  122.                   starts working the  moment you get up  in the
  123.                   morning  and does not stop until you get into
  124.                   the office.
  125.                                   (Robert Frost)
  126.                                        ***
  127.                                   SOME SURGERY!
  128.                        Did  you  hear  about the  guy  who  was
  129.                   shaving  and accidentally  cut his  nose off?
  130.                   It shook him up so badly that he dropped  his
  131.                   razor and cut off his big toe.  He went  to a
  132.                   cross-eyed surgeon.  
  133.                        Now his nose runs and his feet smell!
  134.                                        ***
  135.                                      THE NOTE
  136.                        A minister was visiting a parishioner in
  137.                   ICU.   His  jaw  was  wired  shut  and he was
  138.                   connected  to  all   kinds  of  life  support
  139.                   systems.  He seemed in anguish and handed his
  140.                   minister a handwritten note. Then he expired.
  141.                        After  his funeral,  the minister  found
  142.                   the note he had placed in his pocket  but had
  143.                   forgotten to read.  It read,
  144.                        "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
  145.                                        ***
  146.                                       SPOTS
  147.                    Larry: "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
  148.                           Moe: "Have you seen a doctor?"
  149.                              Larry: "No, just spots."
  150.                                        ***
  151.                                   REFUND POLICY
  152.                      No, we don't give refunds for bad jokes.
  153.                                        ***
  154.                                    AL'S ADVICE
  155.                     Germs attack people where they're weakest.
  156.                      That's why there are so many head colds.
  157.                           --Alfred E. Newman (MAD #103) 
  158.                                        ***
  159.                                 PERPETUATING PILLS
  160.                           The following commercial was 
  161.                           reportedly broadcast on radio
  162.                               quite a few years ago:
  163.                          "And here is Mrs. Jones to give
  164.                                her testimony about
  165.                    Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink Liver Pills:"
  166.               "Oh, I just love to give my testimony about wonderful
  167.                   Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink, Liver Pills!"
  168.                        Mrs. Jones related enthusiastically.
  169.              "Grandpa took Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink Liver Pills
  170.                              nigh on to fifty years.
  171.                               He died two weeks ago,
  172.                             and it was just yesterday
  173.                  we had to beat his liver to death with a stick!"
  174.                                        ***
  175.                                     LOOK ALIKE
  176.                      My mother and father were first cousins.
  177.                          That's why I look so much alike.
  178.                                        ***
  179.                                      IN BLOOM
  180.                   Other people call me the flower of the family:
  181.                                 a Blooming Idiot.
  182.                                        ***
  183.  
  184.  
  185.                                        END
  186.  
  187.