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Text File  |  1995-07-21  |  13KB  |  248 lines
  1.  
  2.                                   MARITAL BLISS
  3.  
  4.                                        ***
  5.                                      MARRIAGE
  6.                                   is like grass.
  7.                                It will eventually 
  8.                                    grow on you.
  9.                                        ***
  10.                                  ARE YOU HAPPY?
  11.                                        or
  12.                                 are you married?"
  13.                                      (Curly)
  14.                                        ***
  15.                                    HE'S A CARD
  16.                                    A REAL JOKER
  17.                              (NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH)
  18.                           Two couples were playing cards.
  19.                            One lady said to her husband,
  20.                                 "You're cheating!"
  21.                                 "How do you know?"
  22.                                      he asked.
  23.                                    She answered,
  24.                                "You're not playing
  25.                               the cards I dealt you!"
  26.                                        ***
  27.                                    AGGIE STUDY
  28.                       A recent Texas A and M study revealed
  29.                that married men do not live longer than single men.
  30.                               It only seems like it.
  31.                                        ***
  32.                            MY WIFE IS A PERFECT ANGEL,
  33.                   always up in the air harping about something.
  34.                                        ***
  35.                                MY WIFE WORSHIPS ME.
  36.                      Gives me a burnt offering every morning.
  37.                                        ***
  38.                                    MY WIFE SAYS 
  39.                               I NEVER LISTEN TO HER
  40.                               (At least that's what
  41.                                 I think she says.)
  42.                                        ***
  43.                            SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS GIFTS
  44.                         Nothing's too good for my husband.
  45.                       And that's exactly what he's gonna get!
  46.                                        ***
  47.                           I RUN THINGS AROUND MY HOUSE:
  48.                      The vacuum, dishwasher, lawnmower, etc.
  49.                                        ***
  50.                                  AROUND MY HOUSE
  51.                                  WHAT I SAY GOES
  52.                           in one ear and out the other.
  53.                                        ***
  54.                            I ALWAYS HAVE THE LAST WORD
  55.                      when my wife and I have a disagreement:
  56.                                    "Yes, dear."
  57.                                        ***
  58.                                   SEVEN THEORIES
  59.                          A childless university professor
  60.                     had seven theories about raising children.
  61.                            Then he had seven children,
  62.                                  and no theories.
  63.                                        ***
  64.                                  GOOD HOUSEKEEPER
  65.                       Zha Gabor is an excellent housekeeper.
  66.                               In her seven divorces,
  67.                               she kept every house.
  68.                                        ***
  69.                                      PRUDENCE
  70.               Prudence showed prudence in all of her four marriages.
  71.                        She married a millionaire, an actor,
  72.                           a preacher, and an undertaker:
  73.                                 One for the money
  74.                                  Two for the show
  75.                                 Three to get ready
  76.                                  And four to go!
  77.                                        ***
  78.                                      WHOOPS!
  79.                        The  minister  forgot  the  names  of  a
  80.                   couple that he  was supposed to marry,  so he
  81.                   announced  during  the service,  "Will  those
  82.                   wishing to be united in holy matrimony please
  83.                   come forward after the service?"
  84.                        After  the service,  thirteen old  maids
  85.                   came forward.
  86.                                        ***
  87.                                   WOMAN DRIVER!
  88.                     If you don't like the way my wife drives,
  89.                               Stay off the sidewalk!
  90.                                        ***
  91.                                     THE NOODLE
  92.                               A lady stalled her car
  93.                              in a busy intersection.
  94.                              A policeman said to her,
  95.                              "Use your noodle, lady!"
  96.                          He returned a few minutes later,
  97.                              after directing traffic.
  98.                                  The lady sobbed,
  99.                          "Officer, I've pushed and pulled
  100.                               everything in this car
  101.                        and I still can't find the noodle!"
  102.                                        ***
  103.                                   CUT 'EM SHORT
  104.                     My wife and I were talking the other day.
  105.                                     She said,
  106.                              "I'll say one thing..."
  107.                             "You can't say one thing,"
  108.                                   I squeezed in.
  109.                                        ***
  110.                                      DREAM ON
  111.                                If love is a dream,
  112.                          then marriage is an alarm clock.
  113.                                        ***
  114.                                  UNION AND UNITY
  115.                      The difference between UNION and UNITY:
  116.                            Tie two cats' tails together
  117.                         and throw them over a clothesline.
  118.                                  You have union,
  119.                                   but not unity.
  120.                          (NOTE: don't try this at home.)
  121.                                        ***
  122.                                   MY BLIND DATE
  123.                                looked like she fell
  124.                                through an ugly tree
  125.                               ... hit every limb...
  126.                                        ***
  127.                              HIS TEETH ARE LIKE STARS
  128.                              (they come out at night).
  129.                                        ***
  130.                                       ELOPE
  131.                            If a cantaloupe can't elope,
  132.                                  what can elope?
  133.                                      A pear.
  134.                               (Or was that a lemon?)
  135.                                        ***
  136.                                    QUALITY TIME
  137.                                         OR
  138.                                     BUCK FEVER
  139.                         Sam and Jane were happily married,
  140.                but so busy that they hardly had any time together.
  141.                     They decided to make time to be together.
  142.                                     Jane said,
  143.                            "Teach me to shoot a rifle, 
  144.                        and I'll go deer hunting with you."
  145.                  Sam bought her a rifle and taught her to shoot.
  146.                    Finally, the first day of deer season came.
  147.                  They set up deer stands about fifty yards apart.
  148.                            They could hear each other,
  149.                 but could not see each other because of the brush.
  150.                       After about thirty minutes of silence,
  151.                     three shots rang out in quick succession.
  152.                  Then, Sam heard his wife arguing with some man:
  153.                      "He's mine!  I shot him and I want him!
  154.                              He's mine!  I got him!"
  155.                 Sam arrived just in time to hear the man gave in:
  156.                                  "Ok, lady, ok!
  157.                          Just let me get my saddle off!"
  158.                                        ***
  159.                                    MEXIA, TEXAS
  160.                         A family was driving through texas
  161.                    when they passed through a town named Mexia.
  162.                               "Dear, the wife asked,
  163.                         "How do you pronounce that name?"
  164.                         "I dunno," the husband responded,
  165.                     "Let's pull into the Dairy Queen and ask."
  166.                        They pulled up to the drive-in window
  167.                                and asked the lady,
  168.                         "How do you pronounce your name?"
  169.                                    She replied,
  170.                                  "Day-re Queen."
  171.                                        ***
  172.                                      EPITAPH
  173.                                 Here Lies My Wife
  174.                                  Here Let Her Lie
  175.                                 Now She's At Rest
  176.                                    And So Am I
  177.                                        ***
  178.                                        REST
  179.                           God made the world and rested.
  180.                              God made man and rested.
  181.                                  God made woman 
  182.                                  And since then,
  183.                                 no one has rested.
  184.                                        ***
  185.                                    EASY, BOYS!
  186.                          In the early part of our nation
  187.                            Before the use of embalming
  188.                           Clem's wife Emma passed away.
  189.                                 After the funeral
  190.                     The pallbearers stumbled over rough ground
  191.                                Dropping the casket.
  192.                            The violent jar revived Emma
  193.                            Who lived another 10 years.
  194.                              After her second funeral
  195.                          Clem walked close to the casket
  196.                          Encouraging the pallbearers with
  197.                                "Easy, boys, easy!"
  198.                                        ***
  199.                                    AVID GOLFER
  200.                       Two golfing buddies were playing golf
  201.                        when a funeral procession passed by.
  202.                     Sam stopped, placed his hat over his heart
  203.                          and waited for the cars to pass.
  204.              "You don't often see that kind of respect for the dead,"
  205.                               Joe commented to Sam.
  206.                           "It was the least I could do,"
  207.                       mumbled Sam as he prepared to tee off,
  208.                         "...lived with her for 40 years."
  209.                                        ***
  210.                                    ARGUMENTIVE
  211.                               "You're argumentive!"
  212.                                I yelled at my wife.
  213.                                    "I am not!"
  214.                                  she yelled back.
  215.                                        ***
  216.                                     RETIREMENT
  217.                               I walk for my health.
  218.                         If I didn't get out of the house
  219.                                   once in awhile
  220.                               my wife would kill me!
  221.                                        ***
  222.                                   MOTHER-IN LAW
  223.                                 Once upon a time
  224.                           while strolling down a beach
  225.                                a man found a lamp.
  226.                                 When he rubbed it
  227.                                  a genie appeared
  228.                              and granted three wishes
  229.                            but with this one condition:
  230.                          his mother-in-law would receive
  231.                             twice as much of the wish
  232.                                     as he did.
  233.                      First, he wished for a million dollars.
  234.                  His mother-in law received two million dollars.
  235.                         Second, he wished for a Cadillac.
  236.                     His mother-in-law received two Cadillacs.
  237.                       Thoughtfully, he questioned the genie,
  238.                    "My mother-in-law receives twice what I do?"
  239.                            "Yes," reassured the genie.
  240.                           For his third wish, he asked,
  241.                          "Well, beat me half to death!"
  242.                                        ***
  243.  
  244.  
  245.                                        END
  246.  
  247.  
  248.