WE HOLD THESE (SMALL) TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT (TO US)
Like I said, I have no grand unified field theory to explain life, the
universe and everything. In fact, I'd be kind of disappointed if a place as
rich and strange as our world COULD be explained by just one little theory.
But I do have a few small truths I live by, and they work well for me:
1. Never attribute to conspiracy that which is adequately explained by
stupidity. Throughout human history, stupidity and incompetence are simply
far more commonplace than conspiracy.
Of course, a lot of things that look like stupidity are really perfectly
logical actions, IF you firmly believe what those commiting the actions
believed. Take Waco, for instance. Here you have the testosterone culture
of the FBI versus the spiritual (or delusional) world view of David Koresh;
the just-do it guys versus someone who thinks the apocalypse is not only
inevitable, but a nifty idea to boot. Of course it was a disaster; there
couldn't possibly have been a meeting of minds because none of these guys
were looking at the same universe.
2. If you go through life prepared to be amused, life is NOT going to
let you down. Cats and young children already know this, that all the
world's a kitty toy [kiddy toy]; the sad thing about growing up is that we
sometimes forget this. But in a world in which a cigarette company orders a
recall because one batch of its cigarettes might cause scratchy throats and
coughing, and a shoe chain advertises that it only sells the right shoe, and
France(!) aims to be the moral leader of the western world, what can you do
but sit back and enjoy the show?
3. If you don't like the answers you're getting, maybe you should be
asking a different question. This is something all librarians know. You
might come up to us, wanting to know if Richard III was anywhere near as bad
a guy as Shakespeare makes him out to be; you think that maybe there might
be an article about this, so you come up to us and ask "Where's the Readers'
Guide?" A hurried, or incompetent, librarian, will point to the green
books. The rest of us will try to find out what you actually wanted to find
out, and we'll steer you to some good historical references, or maybe to
Josephine Tey's "Daughter of Time."
So much that goes wrong in our attempts to solve social problems is a
result of asking the wrong questions. The War on Drugs seems to result from
two questions: "How do we stop the drugs from coming in?" and "How do we
punish the people who sell drugs?" As fr as I can see, the more basic
question is, "Why are so many people's lives so empty that they can't get
through each day unless they're stoned?" Until we figure out the answer to
this one, the answers to the other questions won't help us very much, I'm
afraid.
4. If it's broke, fix it. This means first that, if you screwed up,
admit it, apologize, try to make amends, and don't ever do that again.
It also means that, when you are given shoddy service, or crappy products,
don't put up with it, and walk away. As a public service person, I know
that the hardest customers are the ones who vote with their feet and walk
away without telling you they were unhappy. If you don't know that
something's wrong, you can't possibly fix it, and you'll probably keep on
offending people until someone has the courtesy to tell you what you're
doing wrong.
Of course you have to do this politely, with the assumption that most
people are, in fact, trying to do a good job, and that they were probably
unaware of the problem. Criticisms that begin with "Look, dorkface!" rarely
But it should be equally true that, if you are delighted with the quality
of the service or product, you should take the time to let them know it. I
strongly believe in 25% tips for really good service, and thank you notes,
and even notes to that person's supervisor. If a thank you note makes my
day, it probably makes someone else's day better too.
5. I believe in the spontaneous generation of crap on flat surfaces.
I don't know why it happens, or how it happens. Everyone around you will
swear they had nothing to do with the mysterious piles littering your
household or desk. Nonetheless, the desk you cleaned off at 8 a.m. will be
covered with junk by noon; the rate at which this happens varies in direct
accordance to the number of people who have access to it.
I used to believe my life would be organized if I only ever had enough
bookshelves. But as I have bought more and more bookshelves, and the crap
continues to accumulate, I have become resigned to the inevitability of
mysterious piles. My goals have become more modest. I now aim only for
symmetrical piles.
6. Cats are the true owners of any home they inhabit. They graciously
allow you to share their home, and to supply them with food and a lap and an
occasional scritch. But they do not hesitate to remind you, whenever you
wish to read a newspaper, type a column, knit an afghan, or eat your own
food, that they must first fully explore the possibilities for feline
amusement in those activities. If there is anything to the theory of
reincarnation, selfless people who have devoted their entire lives to
others, will get to come back as pampered pet cats.
7. Listen to what people tell you. Remember it. Act on it. Believe
that they believe it, whether or not you agree with it. To me, paying
attention is the most important act of love. An awful lot of arguments and
divorces have started with the anguished cry "But I TOLD you!"
Previous Columns: White Whine, Draft Dodger, Tar Baby, Sensible Lizards, Debut, Week 2, Hard Copy, Word Child, Every Other Inch A Lady, Naming of Books, Progress, maybe (sort of...), All Reasons Great & Small, On achieving perfect copy, OJ (On Justice), Waiting for Webster's, What Genes Have Wrought, Light Out, Staying on the Map, Don't just stand there..., Remotely Funny, No Government Day, Advice For Desperate Men
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