Trapped in a library somewhere in the United States, our correspondent's only means of communication is...

My Word's Worth



Remotely Funny

My son assures me that when I think something is really effete, it's a sure sign that I'm about to acquire it. And it is true that I used to think that using a remote control for the TV was incredibly effete. But that was before I could reliably be counted on to have three cats on my lap any time I wanted to change channels; given my overwrought respect for the comfort of cats, I sat through a lot of commercials (as a sports watcher, I am an expert on beer advertising). But when I got cable, the remote control came with it, so I learned that effeteness is, in fact, one of the more deplorable facets of my character.

I also began to play channel-changing roulette, collecting those wonderfully funny conjunctions between two or more unrelated ads or programs. So, though I generally aim for a more unified sort of essay, I do want to share some of my favorites with you. HINT: this is MUCH funnier after two glasses of wine.

THE INADVERTENTLY TRUTHFUL:

What does Jesse Jackson really want?[click] M.V.P.
Along the way, so many things could have done him in. [] Maybe this is the way: Soloflex.
My opponent is running on a platform of having [] fuller, healthier hair every day.
Decisions on the life or death of John Wayne Gacy are in the hands of a court [] with indigestion.
His life was changed by four little words [] Unlimited amounts of cash!
President Aristide [] Call for REAL solutions NOW!
Countries that are subjecting themselves to [] VH-1.
It's the end of the world as we know it [] from IBM.
The battle for the 1996 presidential election has begun. Who will win? Clinton? Dole? [] Santa Claus!
There's no way to hide from [] Turner Broadcasting Network.
The difference between human beings and other mammals is [] troops and equipment.
Like any politician, his campaign is completely [] free of any artificial color.
[or natural color, for that matter--ed.]

THE COMPLETE NON-SEQUITUR:
There's a myth about the tax advantages of [] Nutri-Grain cereal.
Football--we call it that because [] our lettuce comes from [] Buffalo.
Why soak when you can get your dentures clean with [] D-Con Mouse-Pruf.
A thousand roaches [] we're right around the corner. You'll be SURPRISED what we can do!
Fabulously expensive gifts for the man who has [] Mexico. [limited market, that. ed.]
Helps your child create stories about Winnie the [] Butthead.
They have attack helicopters and Bradley fighting vehicles so they [] can never have sex again.
Millions of years ago, an adventure began that would eventually lead man to confront his own destiny [] 53% less fat!
Marsha Clark shot back angrily, calling the defense arguments nonsense [] in nonprescription strength.
David Kay, chief of inspection for the International Nuclear [] Piano Quartet.
Some people get nasal congestion [] boys get preferential treatment in school.
He held back a communist invasion [] after retiring the second batter in the 8th inning.
Kellogg's Bran Flakes [] you don't even need to change the oil!
I deserve a little break [] and repeated calls to the state department have done NOTHING!

THE TRULY POLITICALLY INCORRECT PAIRING:
The Native-Americans [] deposit their eggs and sperm in the same place.
Attention! All men with noses! [] Forget about it!
I give my customers the same advice about soil fertilizer each year [] Take a good look at George Bush.
Dogs just love the taste of [] Jose Rijo.
The British continually followed a colonial process that would lead eventually to [] having to explain ourselves.
Some nights, there's just no escape [] in northwest Iowa.
It is the North Koreans who hold in their hands [] a Whopper.

You know those little stocking-stuffer books, or non-books, like 'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy (a collection of misunderstood lines from rock songs), or French for Cats (a work of genius--did you know the French for, "You seriously expect me to eat THAT?"). I have been trying to convince a publisher that channel- changing roulette would make a splendid little non-book, but, alas, to no avail.

If any of you think the publishers are wrong about this, drop me a line, why don't you? And if you have anything to add to my collection, while you're at it, feel free.

Please feel free to send any comments on this column to Marylaine Block

Previous Columns: Debut, Week 2, Hard Copy, Word Child, Every Other Inch A Lady, Naming of Books, Progress, maybe (sort of...), All Reasons Great & Small, On achieving perfect copy, OJ (On Justice), Waiting for Webster's, What Genes Have Wrought, Light Out, Staying on the Map, Don't just stand there...

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