The XTC song "The World's Full of Angry Young Men" is running through my head, but the words attached to the music are "The mall's full of desperate men." As it gets closer to Christmas, the population of the mall starts changing. Early on women and teenagers predominate, but over time, there are more and more lost-looking men with that deer-caught-in-the-headlights inward-looking stare--the natural prey of eager shopkeepers who know they can sell these men absolutely anything.
The problem is, of course, that when the world's tasks got divvied up by genders, women got to be the gift-givers. By and large this works out quite well--at least until men need to find gifts for women. At this point, many of you are utterly clueless. You sense that whatever you give is freighted with enormous symbolic significance, but you don't know exactly what a gift may symbolize; you're terrified you may inadvertently send the wrong message and be forever written off as an insensitive dolt. You strongly suspect you're in a no-win situation.
Really, though, it's not quite that bad. Herewith, a few hints.
1. Part of the symbolic value is that you remembered at all. So even if you screw up and select something fairly hopeless (crotchless panties are generally a mistake), we WILL give you credit for trying. After all, we have years of practice thanking little boys who give us footballs for our birthdays; we understand that in the little boy's understanding, this is the finest possible gift anyone can receive.2. The gift should show that it is for her specifically, not for some generic female. The malls are trying to sell you stuff for generic females, jewelry and perfume and nice-smelling expensive soaps and moisturizers and such, but don't buy them mindlessly. Don't buy earrings for her unless you have specific pictures in your mind of her actually wearing earrings. Show her that you pay attention to her unique interests and preferences. For example, my only real concession to feminine stuff is pretty scarves, fastened with a cat pin; anyone who gave me either a scarf or a cat pin would know that the gift will be appreciated on two levels, both as something I would like and wear, and as a sign that the giver paid attention to my chosen style.
3. A gift should also indicate that you pay attention to what she says, or reacts to. If she's a save-the-whales sort of person, a little gold whale charm on a chain would be a charming present. If she couldn't stop looking at the Degas ballerina in the art museum, check out the art museum gift shop for an inexpensive print, or even Degas notecards, or something. Did she cry her way through 101 Dalmatians? You could get her a video of it. Is she never quite warm enough? How about a pretty crocheted shawl to drape around her shoulders? Does she adore Andrew Lloyd Webber (but you love her anyway)? There must be a production of his playing somewhere you can take her to. A gift doesn't need to be expensive if it conveys the basic message, "I know who you are and I love that in you."
4. In general, avoid vacuum cleaners and toaster-ovens and sewing machines, no matter how much she may actually need one. What we want is permission to stop being efficient and hardworking for a while and simply bask in the pleasure of feeling treasured. And protected. Even the most competent women want to feel protected and taken care of by their menfolk.
5. You may be lucky enough to be a man with a wonderful taste in clothes, like my brother-in-law, who has a better sense of what makes my sister look gorgeous than she does. In this case, if you buy her a great outfit, the understood message is "You're a damn good-looking woman, and I love to see you looking well-turned out." Of course, if you're like my son, who thinks nothing of wearing an orange shirt with red shorts, you should avoid this route.
6. You could try giving her the gift of time. Have someone else take care of the kids, and take her off somewhere where you can pay uninterrupted attention to her, and she to you. There aren't enough hours in the day for us to do our work, take care of the kids, take care of our own needs, and still keep a relationship as fresh and new as the day it began.
7. And do give her the gift of words. We care a lot about words. When you give the present, tell her why you chose it for her; you wouldn't believe what a sucker we are for words like "This was so elegant it made me think of you," or "The music was so happy, and made me feel so good, that it reminded me of you." And if you had it to do all over again and you'd still fall in love with her, tell her that. Better yet, tell her that in writing.
There's a reason we keep old love letters and mementos--so that we can read them over and over again when times are tough, and we're not getting through to each other, and we're trying to remember why it was we wanted the relationship to keep going.
So go ahead, guys. Venture out into the cold and brave the alien territory of the shopping malls and exquisite little boutiques. All you have to do is remember who she is and what you love about her and what she cares about (besides you).
Remember: Earth girls are easy. You get points for trying. And with these helpful hints in mind, you might succeed besides.
Previous Columns: Debut, Week 2, Hard Copy, Word Child, Every Other Inch A Lady, Naming of Books, Progress, maybe (sort of...), All Reasons Great & Small, On achieving perfect copy, OJ (On Justice), Waiting for Webster's, What Genes Have Wrought, Light Out, Staying on the Map, Don't just stand there..., Remotely Funny, No Government Day
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