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* * * Legion of Doom FAQ * * *
* * * * * Version 3.0 * * * * *
=========================
_F_requently _A_sked _Q_uestions about the Legion of Doom.
---
I. What is the Legion of Doom?
A.Declaration of Principles
B.Breakdown of departments & Branches
C.Information about departments and branches
D.Brief description of ranking system & promotions
E.Why we are the Legion of Doom
II. Who is in the Legion of Doom?
A.List of people in the Legion of Doom
III. How do I join the Legion of Doom?
A.Necassary qualifications
B.How NOT to get into the Legion of Doom
IV. Who does the Legion of Doom support and who do they oppose?
A.Qualifications to be supported by the Legion of Doom
B.Qualifications to NOT be supported by the Legion of Doom
V. What is official to the Legion of Doom?
A.Official "things" of the Legion of Doom
VI. What makes the Legion of Doom different?
A.What makes the Legion of Doom different than other Jihaddi groups
B.Why we are different
Appendix A
-Legion of Doom policy and Constitution
Appendix B
-Music groups proven to de-spongify
Appendix C
-How to obtain more information on the JIHAD and the Legion of Doom
Appendix D
-A partial list of files you can obtain from the Legion of Doom
============================================================================
The first two revisions of this FAQ were composed entirely by Legion
Sub-Commander IronMan. The (3rd) revision has been co-written with Legion
Commander Sandman and Special Operative Neon Wizard. This is the 4th.
============================================================================
I. WHAT IS THE LEGION OF DOOM?
The Legion of Doom was formed in February, 1994 as a Cleveland-based
(but not limited to) Jihaddi organization dedicated to the sole purpose
of irradicating the childrens' show menace that is the most foul, B'harnee.
The Legion of Doom is just as equally opposed to his followers, as they are
a means to spread his evil. We do fully support those who oppose the purple
pedophile and being a member of the JIHAD, we support all of it's members.
These and all other policies are addressed in the Legion of Doom
Constitution.
The Legion of Doom consists of several departments. At present they are:
********
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
N.O.R.A.D.-Standard military functions. (Northern Opposition and Resistance
Against the Dark one)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Southeast Wolverine Guerilla Band-Legion of Doom Covert Ops.&special forces.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
R&D-Research and Developement
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The High Council-The decision making body of the Legion of Doom.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recruiting Dept.-The department that gets new recruits.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Legion Intelligence-Our intelligence branch that gives us most of our info.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
De-Spongification-Our department that helps spongies return to life.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
********
Most of these departments are availible to new recruits, but some are only
availible by promotion or invitation.
N.O.R.A.D. was created to be the Legion of Doom's main military force. It
is composed of Brendan Scallon, Corporal Shadow Killer, Lieutennant Cyclops,
and Private First Class Zypr. This part of the Legion is commanded by
Commander Sandman.
The Southeast Wolverine Guerilla Band is also a military organization. It
was the idea of Sub-Commander IronMan to start this division as the covert
ops. unit of the Legion of Doom, to contain the best of the Legion of Doom's
soldiers and officers. Legion Sub-Commander IronMan is the Director and
commanding General of this group. It consists of Sub-Commander IronMan,
Strike General ShredFan, and four other members with classified Id's and
addresses. You may have seen some of them on a.b.d4 before.
The Research and Development department has a very obvious objective.
Research and development of things the Legion of Doom will use in the Holy
War. Rob Fisher is the head of this department.
The Legion of Doom High Council is a commitee type group that makes all
the major decisions for the Legion of Doom. The council is currently made up
of Legion Commander Sandman, Legion Sub-Commander IronMan, and Strike
General ShredFan. Members of the Legion of Doom are admitted to the High
Council by decision of the High Council.
The Recruiting Dept. Is currently vacant. The last Officer in Charge of
recruits was given a Dishonorable discharge from the Legion of Doom.
Legion Intelligence is our (obviously) intelligence division. It is a
hybrid of the U.S. CIA and Secret Service. The main goal of this department
is the collection of information. However, Operatives are given some
military privleges, and a License to Kill. The director of Legion
Intelligence is Sub-Commander IronMan. The operatives are Special Operative
Neon Wizard, and S.O. Zeppelin.
De-Spongification is our department for (again, obviously) helping s-m's
return to normal life through therapy, a good backhanded slap, and Unhealthy
Sancks (TM). It also serves to provide Jihaddi with supplies and other thing
that those with a Functioning Cerebrum (TM) the things they need to stay
immune to the Lyran Hellwyrm. This dept.'s director is Special Operative
Neon Wizard. Corporal Most Holy OCD, Corporal Bo Handler, and Corporal
TRAY are also part of this dept.
****************
The Legion of Doom handles promotions in a very simple way. If you do a
good job, you get promoted, if you don't you won't and if you cause trouble
or problems, you can get demoted or excommunicated. Fairly simple. We do
promote according to results, in order to reward and encourage a good
standard of operations.
The reason we are the Legion of Doom, first off, has nothing to do with
the popular 3d kill-everything-that-moves game, DOOM. (Although we are
thinking about making it our official game.) The "Doom" in Legion of Doom
means "Destruction Of Opposing Minions" This, of course refers to B'horny's
mindless followers.
II. WHO IS IN THE LEGION OF DOOM?
=======Name and rank============E-mail address===========================
Legion Commander Sandman |sandman@legiondoom.win.net
Legion Sub-Commander IronMan |IRONMAN1234@delphi.com/IronMan820@aol.com
Acting S-C Brendan Scallon |scallon@uiuc.edu
Strike General ShredFan |ShredFan@aol.com
Special Operative Neon Wizard |renk0006@gold.tc.umn.edu/NeonWizard@aol.com
Special Operative Zeppelin |(Net Access removed)
Lieutennant Cyclops |cyclops480@aol.com (formerly Lt. Superboy.)
Lieutennant Zypr |Zypr@aol.com
Corporal Shadow Killer |LordSven@aol.com
Corporal Most Holy OCD |mostholy@nextsrv.cas.muohio.edu
Corporal Bo Handler |kmartin@muskingum.edu
Corporal TRAY |gnfms@academic.stu.StThomasU.ca
Rob Fisher |fisher@godot.radonc.unc.edu
=========================================================================
NOTE: Some members of L.O.D. with classified identities have not been
listed here.
III. HOW DO I JOIN THE LEGION OF DOOM?
To join us, you must have the necassary qualifications to apply. You
must also ask a member of the Legion of Doom for an application, get in by
referral, or be recruited by someone. If you are reading this, you will most
likely qualify since these qualifications only weed out sponge-minions.
IV. Qualifications
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*You MUST have a severe hatred or dislike for B'harnei
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*You MUST agree with the JIHAD in all matters concerning B'harnee's
destruction. (Not real hard.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*You MUST be able to take orders (even if you don't like them) from
superior officers in the Legion of Doom. (Not real hard either.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*You will need to complete a standardized application form. (see appendix C)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you qualify under the following points, you may not join the Legion
of Doom and you will be considered an enemy of the Legion of Doom.
*You follow and agree with B'harnee (shudder)
*You oppose the JIHAD (BIG mistake)
*You do not agree with or you oppose the Legion of Doom (another BIG mistake)
*You claim to follow the JIHAD and you follow B'harnee (not a bright idea)
V. WHAT IS OFFICIAL TO THE LEGION OF DOOM?
Official colors: Black, Blacker, and blackest.
(Why? Because we do a lot of covert ops. and having our uniforms black
helps, not to mention that it just looks cool and we'll always be ready for
B'harnee's funeral.) :)
Official emblem: A skull wearing a black beret. (Ask for the bitmap)
Official slogan: E Pluribus Destructum, E Pluribus Despongifum.
Official Motto: We'd tell you, but then we'd have to kill you. :)
Official High Council tie breaker: The magic 8-ball.
Official Unhealthy Snacks (tm): McDonalds, or any other fast food chain.
If you want to have something _really_ unhealthy, just go to your local
greasy spoon and ask for the special. (We kinda like Doug's Dinner Bucket.
[Yes, it is a real place.])
Official enemies: B'harnee, QVC, HBC, PBS, the Minescule Morphine-sucking
Flower Minions, EPA, Health food junkies, Richard Simmons, politicians,
alt.bigfoot, and sponge minions.
VI. WHAT MAKES THE LEGION OF DOOM DIFFERENT?
It's hard to tell any difference between Jihaddi groups, besides the
obvious. What makes the Legion of Doom different, for starters is our
foundation of most questions and principles on Rock and Metal. (We mean
music, for our mentally impaired readers. >:-| )
Why are we different? Because we are. Enough said.
============================================================================
APPANDIX A
*******************
***************************** Table of Contents ***************************
*******************
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
(A) paragraphs
a1: General statement of the Legion of Doom's purpose
a2: Policy on Sponge-Minions
a3: Admittance to the Legion of Doom w/ functioning cerebrum(tm)
s1:Promotions
(B) paragraphs
b1: Dealings with other members of the JIHAD
s1:Dealings with false Jihaddi people & orgs.
b2: Dealings with those unaware of the Holy War
(C) paragraphs
c1: De-Spongification
s1:De-Spongification Diet
s2:Statemant on necessity of De-Spongification
(D) paragraphs
d1: The Color Purple
(E) paragraphs
e1: Policy on the Jihaddi Government
(F) paragraphs
f1: Military Policy
s1:Innocent Bystanders
s2:Reasons for Military Action
s3:Chain of Command
s4:Functions of the Military
s5:Commanding Officers
s6:Geneva Convention (rules of war statement)
(G) paragraphs
g1: How the Legion of Doom is Ruled
s1:The High Council
s1:High Council Layout
s2:Lower High Council Members
g2: Military Decisions
(H) paragraphs
h1: Rules of this Document
APPENDIX B
*****************************
************************ Legion of Doom Constitution **********************
*****************************
LEGION OF DOOM POLICY:
(a1)
The Legion of Doom is an organization dedicated to ridding the Earth of
the purple plague, which is B*rn*y's teachings and influence. The
destruction of the beast is our primary mission. Second to that would be
de-spongifying those that have been infected with B'harne's tripe (who we
call Sponge-Minions) and destroying them if help cannot be given. The evil
teachings are considered dangerous and will be irradicated in the future.
(a2)
We do not accept, nor deal with those who follow yenrab in a freindly
manner. As mentioned above, we treat the infected person(s) as a walking
emergency. They will be either A) de-spongified, or B) Irradicated. We
prefer to de-spongify, if possible, but the reality is that some have been
totally enveloped by the purple saurian from hell. We do deal with converts,
or those who once followed the most foul. There are several examples of
people who have successfully recovered and led productive lives.
(a3)
As for those who have funcioning cerebrums(tm) to begin with, we treat
these individuals like any other person, because they are. Someone with a
functioning cerebrum(tm) IS the majority of the population. All state and
federal equal opportunity laws apply to the Legion of Doom, except for those
that can get us sued.
(a3s1)
For those who are in the Legion of Doom, productivity and loyalty
equals promotion. Slacking off and insubordination equals demotion or
excommunication. (The slacking part only applies to given orders. We take
pride in the ability of humans to slack off and enjoy life.) The Legion of
Doom High Council (which makes all the decisions) reserves the right to hold
back on a promotion for reasons that they deem necassary. (ie: the affected
person(s) is best for his/her current position, etc.)
***********
(b1)
The official Legion of Doom policy on other members of the JIHAD is
this: we all work towards the same goal, under the same government, and
almost always agree with each other. We work hard to aid fellow Jihaddi, and
haters of B'harni in general. The Legion of Doom fully agrees with the
notion that there is only ONE Jihad, and there will be only ONE Jihad until
yenrab is dead. We also conclude that the JIHAD will function better acting
as one undivided unit. This does not in any way denote a system with only
one faction of the JIHAD, but that the many factions that make up the JIHAD
will function as one.
(b1s1)
Our policy on supposed haters of the purple hellspawn that do not accept
or associate with the true Jihad is the following: if the above mentioned
groups or individuals cannot comply with the policies of the JIHAD, they do
not truly hate the evil one. The way of the JIHAD is the only way. The ones
that do not accept it will be dealt with like any other sponge-minion.
(b2)
For groups or individuals who are unaware of the Holy War, we present
only the pure and unaltered facts about both sides. If upon hearing what we
tell them, they do not accept that B'harne is evil, the de-spongification
process will be executed on the person(s) involved. One of our main
objectives is to let the population of the third planet from the sun know
what evil lurks in the heart of the devil's head minion, B*rney. We do this
in a non-hostile way, if possible. If necassary, force will be authorized.
***************
(c1)
De-spongification is one of the areas of our expertise that is also very
enjoyable. De-spongification usually consists of large doses of hard rock,
classic rock, metal, and alternative forms of music. (see appendix B for new
bands not included in the FAQ that are proven to work.)Upon listening to
the above mentioned music, most subjects will show signs of rejection
the sugar-coated, false, unrealistic, and evil teachings of the beast.
To further supplement the recovery process, dietary alterations should be
made. (see sub-paragraph 1 below)
(c1s1)
Among the known food and beverage products known to help de-spongify are:
Jolt Cola(tm), Oreos(tm), Moosehead Beer(tm), Twinkies(tm), SPAM(tm),
McDonalds'(tm) burgers & fries, etc. Generally, anything that he who is too
disgusting to behold thinks is unhealthy will work. These are just some of
the best examples.
(c1s2)
One of our beliefs is that de-spongification is a very critical step
towards healing the world's affliction, more commonly known as B*rn*y. When
his powers over the weaker minds of this planet are lifted, he will be
rejected immediately. We also believe that if we were to destroy all those
who have been infected by the purple plague instead of healing them, the
world would lose to many people, whom upon the restoring of thier minds,
could contribute in a positive way to society.
************
(d1)
It is also probably necassary to mention the color purple here. The
official policy of the Legion of Doom is that the color of purple is not
evil. Unfortunately, the evil one himself has assumed that color as his own
and thus, has ruined it. Through history, the color purple has symbolized
royalty. It is also part of Jimmy Hendrix's "Purple Haze", which is one of
rock's greatest songs, coming from one of rock's greatest singer/songwritter
/guitarists of all time. People are often seen wearing purple sport coats,
and grape is one of the most popular flavors of slush at most ice cream
stands. Many hot rods and legal street racers have donned the color purple
after having the body panels modified. Even the Doberman Empire's official
diety, Grimace, is purple. If we were to condemn the color purple as a
whole, everything in paragraph d1 would be destroyed. This cannot happen.
The most foul does not resemble the color, and the color does not resemble
the most foul.
************
(e1)
The Legion of Doom fully supports the Jihaddi government and the
principles upon which it is based. We support all government activities and
decisions, as we are a part of it. We take a hostile attitude to all those
who do not support it as well. Dealings with these deviants will be held in
the form of civil discussion.
************
(f1)
The Legion of Doom is capable of military intervention. We maintain
several policies on the use of military force. These policies are designed
to protect the general public, to make the military structure run more
efficiently, and promote the success of any military campaign. They are as
follows:
(f1s1)
We do not approve of, nor allow the invasion or fracturing of innocent
bystander's rights. This is to ensure that no Legion forces will cause any
trouble with those not targeted for termination.
(f1s2)
We do not target people for personal reasons, political reasons, or any
others that do not justify termination. The only reason we resort to
military intervention is when de-spongification is not an option, and when
it is necassary to prevent the further spread of B'harnee's teachings.
(f1s3)
The Legion of Doom has a tight chain of command. Lower ranking officers
will report to thier immediate superiors or supervisors to reach the top
levels of command. This is to lessen the already heavy workload on high
ranking officers. To prevent any and all forms of beaurocracy, _ALL_
applicable information, complaints, questions, etc. will be given to the
designated officials.
(f1s4)
The military is for aggresive purposes only. It is not used for any
civillian activities. Troops and officers may participate in peacetime
activities, but may not perform military functions without orders. This
directive is to ensure that the military is not used for display or show of
power. (The power will be shown in combat. [evil grin])
(f1s5)
The commanding officer is empowered to use his/her personal judgement on
the battlefield. The highest commanding officer designated to the task in
question is given the final word. When that person or persons is not
available, the highest commanding officer is responsible for decision
making. Good and bad consequences will be given from the high council on
these decisions.
(f1s6)
The Legion of Doom fully supports and practices the rules of war as
stated by the Geneva convention.
************
(g1)
The Legion of Doom will be ruled as follows in the next section.
(g1s1)
The High Council will be the chief decision making body in the Legion of
Doom as long as it exists. It will always consist of all the officers that
the top two ranking commanders appoint. Sessions will be held as necassary
and decisions will be made by vote. In case of a tie, voting will take place
a second time. After another tie, the highest ranking official in the
meeting will cast a second vote. He may pass on the ability to vote twice
to the next highest official, and it may continue down the ranks of those at
the meeting.
(g1s1ss1)
The High Council will be set up as the executive department of the U.S.,
and not in a parliamentary way. (voting will still occur, but gridlock and
beaurocracy will NOT be tolerated.) The highest ranking individual in the
Legion of Doom will act as the leader (or president) and the 2nd in command
will be just that. These two individuals will decide what is to be voted on.
If they cannot agree on that, it will automatically be voted on.
(g1s1ss2)
Individuals in the High Council other than the 1st and 2nd in command
will act as department heads and represent thier dept.
(g1s2)
Military decisions will be decided on by the High Council, unless a high
ranking officer is given the responsibility. An officer is to be given the
responsibility unless it is in the better interest of the Legion of Doom for
the High Council to do so. Decisions will be dealt with as described in
paragraph f1 and all the adjoining sub-paragraphs.
***********
(h1)
The Legion of Doom High Council has ratified this document as the
constitution of the Legion of Doom. Nobody but the High Council may add or
take away from this document or it's appendices. All who read this may not
use this in any way but to read it unless given special permission. This
document may distributed freely in it's unaltered form.
***********
============================================================================
*****************
****************************** Appendix (B) *****************************
*****************
APPENDIX TO THE CONSTITUTION:
These are the before mentioned bands that have been proven to reduce
B'harni's spongifying effects dramaticly. Most were not mentioned in the
official JIHAD FAQ. They are:
Led Zepplin
Van Halen
AC/DC
Black Sabbath
Metallica
Jimi Hendrix
MSG
Nirvana
Soundgarden (Superunknown hasn't worked very well.)
BioHazard
Pantera
Def Leopard
Sammy Haggar (Unboxed hasn't worked too well, either.)
Joe Satriani
Cream
Motley Crue (The new Motley Crue has had comparable results, but not as
good as the old group. You can figure that one out.)
ZZ Top
GWAR
Kiss
Anthrax
Killers
Ronnie James Dio (His old band, Rainbow works pretty good too.)
Randy Rhoads (With or without Ozzy)
Ozzy Ozbourne
Nazareth
Rollins Band
Deep Purple
Body Count
Jackyl
Steve Vai
Montross
Ted Nugent
Out of the Blue (a local band that's going national soon.)
Testament
Dangerous Toys
Dire Straits
Cinderella
Neil Young ("Sleeps with Angels" shows minimal resilts.)
Kid Wicked
Saigon Kick
Kix
Extreme
Judas Preist
Fight (Mixed results.)
Flotsom & Jetsom
Overkill
Steel Heart
The Poor
Twisted Sister
Suicidal Tendancies
Infectious Grooves
Slaughter
Iron Maiden
Ugly Kid Joe
Skid Row
Tora Tora
Bullet Boys
Dream Theater
Tesla
Rush
Queensryche
The Kult
Rage Against the Machine
Boston
Bad Company (Their old songs work very well, but later songs haven't.)
Sabotage
Stone Temple Pilots
Armored Saint
Quiet Riot
Bonham
Kingdom Come
Dawken (Always wondered how he spelled that.)
Alice Cooper (Pre-'85 material)
Alice in Chains
Corrosion of Conformity
Course of Empire
Widowmaker (their new album was a HUGE improvement over their first.)
Beastie Boys
The Scorpions (Particurally the Face the Heat album.)
King's X
Fastway
Pearl Jam
Live
Voivods
Devo
Phantom Blue
Slaughter
Anything Tipper Gore hates
<<Stay tuned for further developments>>
In addition to the bands mentioned in the FAQ, these are the bands that are
the most proven means for de-spongification. Best results can be acheived at
intensely high volume levels. Do not allow the subject to cover his/her ears
or scream. They may not hear it if you are using a 300watt or less stereo
amp. We recomend wattage towards 490, or 500.
============================================================================
APPENDIX C
For information about the Legion of Doom or the JIHAD that was not included
in this FAQ, all you have to do is ask a member of the Legion of Doom.
Here is a list of some of the additional information we have:
1. The official JIHAD FAQ
2. An application form for entry into the Legion of Doom
3. A separate copy of the Legion of Doom Policy statement and Constitution
4. Documents such as the Jihad Ten Commandments
5. The Threefold Truth
6. The Corallary Politic
7. The FAQs to most other JIHAD organizations
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Appendix D
This is a partial list of some of the files the Legion of Doom has
availible to the public.
1. MKNOA.ZIP - A bitmap of the evil one in Mortal Kombat.
2. BARNWOLF.ZIP - A *.wav file of B'harnee singing his evil and being *rudely*
interrupted.
3. BKILL.ZIP - An anti-Yenrab game for Windows that lets you torch the
hellwyrm with your match-lite instant striking matches.
4. Killbarn.zip - A Windows game that lets you kill the molestasaur before he
gets to the population.
5. BKILL2.ZIP - The sequel to Bkill, and one of the best anti-B'harnee games
ever. Includes .wav files from the likes of St.s Beavis and
Butthead.
6. BarneyII.zip - The Terminator vs. B'harnee patch for ZZT.
7. BARNDOOM.zip - A patch for DOOM that turns the pink demons into he who is
too disgusting to behold.
8. BDOOM.zip - Another patch for doom that turns the Barons from hell into the
real baron of hell.
9. Several ANSI pictures about the Legion of Doom and the evil of B@rn*y.
10. PLENTY of WAV's, MOD's, MIDI's, and other sound files.
11. Mapconv.zip & Doom1-2.zip - A utility for converting DOOM 1 patches to
work with DOOM ][
============================================================================
This has been a Legion of Doom (TM) production. All rights reserved.
Don't Fuck it up.
============================================================================
-Legion Commander Sandman,
Ruler of the Legion High Council,
Representitive to the Jihaddi Government,
for the Legion of Doom.
"Desparational red line, call it... Heavy Metal Noise!"-Sammy Haggar