The Unsorted BBS Collection/thegreatunsorted.tar/thegreatunsorted/texts/barney/barney.txt

Text File | 1993-08-23 | 14KB | 328 lines

Fri, 20 Aug 1993 17:34:00        alt.conspiracy           Thread  209 of  227
Article 31687  Barney must die!      1/6
[e-mail]  Matt Giwer at FidoNet node 1:3603/326 - SPP

 * Carbon Copy:
 * Original message to ALL in the LU-GiwerWorl conference.

           A
           N         ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter
           T               Issue #1
           I
      B A R N E Y
           L               ABL- "A group of people united
           E                     in a single goal.  Be
           A                     scared Barney.  We have
           G                     a mandate from the people
           U                     and GOD almighty!"
           E (tm)(R)

I hate Barney!
I hate Barney!
I hate Barney!

-- From the bestselling "Mantra for a New Age: A World Without
   Barney"

"Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!" -- Gumby, '60s animation star

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      Welcome to the first issue of the Anti-Barney League's Barney
Must Die Newsletter.  It is time that we must unite agaist a terrible
force that is covering our nation like a dark cloud.  Barney is evil.
Barney and his Backyard gang are out to take over the minds of kids,
so that after the seed of Barney is planted in their brains, they will
more willingly accept a kind and gentle DICTATORSHIP, by a man in a
purple rubber suit.  This problem will just grow unless we do some
thing about it.  Dinosaurs can't be citizens anyways, so let's send
him to Costa Rica.

        We will be compiling stations that broadcast the Barney smut,
so we can petition them to put on some quality programing.

                                -Aaron Anderer

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From: System Ninja <szebra!nocturne.boulder-creek.ca.us!raven>
Organization: "The Enclave" -- Boulder Creek, California

Our story so far...

Waffle VOTE Booth, v1.1.4, [e-mail]

To save humanity from (evil) aliens, you must watch a Barney videothon:

 1)  Just kill me now. ..............................................  1
 2)  Wouldn't you rather just severely butt-love me? ................  1
 3)  I didn't know anyone else called their penis "Barney" ..........  1
 4)  Vampires don't do dat, homie....................................  1
 5)  "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... BUT BARNEY???!".........  1
 6)  Maybe they're friendly aliens....?..............................  2
 7)  I respond by killing Barney to impress Jodi Foster..............  1


    These are two articles I posted on rec.humor. The response was
 disturbingly small. Barney, it seems, has eaten everyones brains.

---------------------------------------------------*-----------------------



     On PBS there is a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check
your local listings). Basically, it concerns a group of irritating
small children and a purple toy dinosaur named "Barney" who comes to
life and sings songs of a pro-social nature. Of particular note is
"The I Love You Song", sung to the tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a
dirge-like tempo:

                    I love you.
                    You love me.
                    We're a happy family.
                    With a great big hug,
                    And a kiss from me to you,
                    Won't you say you love me too?

     Believe me, it's really eerie. Now, the fact of Barney's
existence on this show is written off as "imagination". But supposing
it isn't?

                       JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY?

     Supposedly, Barney is just some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur
suit. Several things about this theory don't add up, however. Barney
has full mobility, for one thing.

     Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his hands
ever did anything and the other was always clutching his stomach like
he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's because Big Bird was a
guy in a suit. That other hand was OPERATING HIS BEAK.

     Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working mouth,
and LARGE, MOVING COW-LIKE EYES. If that's a man in there, he's no
ordinary man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the ability to leap
in the air a CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human would sweat like a
cheese trying stunts like that.)

     If he's not a human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?

   1) He's a real dinosaur.

   Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is
questionable, the geological record is far from complete. Since Barney
is apparently warm-blooded, this would support current revisionist
paleontological theory. (The singing ability is a new twist, however.)
And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the other
hand, while he is built along the lines of a carinvore (Family
Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a herbivore, or at best, an
omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.

   2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly
parent figure in order to train young children to be his unholy army
of ultimate darkness.

   You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it
seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. Adults
think he's really creepy. Obviously, there are unclean forces at work
here. The way to test this out would be to confront the fiend with a
crucifix.

    3) He's a space alien.

    This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might have
access to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even begin to
comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors, even large-scale
matter re-assemblers. All of theses could account for the "powers of
imagination" as depicted on the show. As for his motives and purpose,
see above.

                        HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY?

     Notice I waste no time asking if Barney SHOULD be stopped. Of
COURSE he should be stopped. It's a given. But how?

     1) Wait for him to go away.

     Most media darlings eventually do this. However, we can't afford
to take chances. Our children's BRAINS are at stake.

     2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips
shut.

     You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.

     3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him.

     If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he
doesn't have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think of it,
he probably gets his power from...The Children's Television Workshop.
Cut their funding!)

     4) Stop believing in him.

     Scoff if you will. It worked with my boss at the car wash.

       Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT
Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's an
alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And remember, you
won't get your kids back until Barney is dead.dead.dead.


    Recently, I posted an article where I postulated that Barney the
Dinosaur perhaps was not what he seemed to be, but was,in fact, some
evil being bent on taking over the minds of children everywhere. The
Great Unwashed scoffed at my warnings.

    Well,  Barney the Dinosaur is still amongst us, brainwashing
hapless children, and YOU just SIT there at your terminal chuckling at
my so-called "madness". But listen. There's still time to put an end
to his evil Jurassic schemes.

    I've done some research and it's clear to me that Barney is some
kind of malignant supernatural force that has invaded a toy stuffed
dinosaur. With that in mind, let's discuss how he can be destroyed.

    Surveillence shows that there are two principal Barney modes.
There's the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall fuzzy purple
saurian who moves around freely and talks and sings like an brain
damaged castrati. Then there is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be
a small stuffed version of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is
Barney's true form. As a creature of darkness, he can take on any form
he chooses. In truth, he probably looks a lot like Mick Jagger.
Doesn't sing like him, though.)

    So. Let's say you happen to see this toy Barney, just sitting
there in a swing made from an old Uniroyal. Do you pull out your handy
M-16 and pump him full of hot lead, screaming "DIE, YOU UNHOLY SPAWN
OF SATAN! DIE DIE DIE!" No. You do not. This will only make him angry.
If you're LUCKY he will only suck out your soul like soup through a
straw.

    We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume
that just because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he IS a
fuzzy hamless doll. In toy form he will be constantly on his guard,
whereas in active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall
be his downfall.

 You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a crucifix, an iron rod, a
Tammy Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them ready at all times in
case of random Ba rney encounters.

    If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active mode,
take these steps:

    *DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!*

    His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you gaze
too long upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and soul. The
effect isn't as obvious on T.V., at least not with adults. In person,
however.... Well, just wear a welding mask.

    *DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!*

    For one thing, he's a BAD singer, and he steals his riffs. The
real danger comes, however, from the seductive quality of his Song Of
Entrapment:

                       I love you....
                       Etc...
                       Etc...
                       Won't you say you love me too?

    If you DO say you love him, or worse, sing the next verse, then he
OWNS your soul and all its accessories. And we'll have to kill you
too.

    *ACT CASUAL.*

    Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an
autograph for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you can get
him to sign an agreement to leave mortals alone for all eternity.
(NOTE: Your pen MUST be filled with blood for this to work.) While he
is not really likely to fall for a cheap stunt like this, it's
certainly worth a try, unless you're worried about him sucking up your
soul like jello through a Hoover. Which he'll do.

    *DESTROY HIM.*

    Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect a
thing. The following methods will certainly annilihate most creatures
of darkness:

    1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a crucufix, saying "Hey? Hey?
Hey? Big fella?"

    2) Blow pepper at him. Have a priest ready to say "Bless you,"
when he sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get Barney-bits all
over you.

    3) Blow his face off with a flare gun. Still got that welding mask
on?

    4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive.
Otherwise he'll suck out your soul like bilge through a pump.)

    5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this?

    6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a
3-D picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water FROM THE
FAR SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head, while singing
"Amazing Grace", in a month with a "K" in it. (Note: The sword MUST be
blessed by His Holiness the Pope. Otherwise, you're wasting your
time.)

    One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to field
test any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh. All of the above
applies to HIM, too.

     There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our
wrongs and take whatever actions necessary to correct our misdoings.
Barney the dinosaur is one of the most hideous creations of modern
American culture and as such, he MUST be destroyed.  The termination
of Barney must therefore become a goal of all decent, responsible
citizens. Only united can we protect our children and stop his evil
reign!

     I solute you brave founders of the Anti-Barney League, and I want
to offer my support for your cause.

     My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials
while eating breakfast one morning.  "He's big, He's purple, He's your
best friend. He's BARNEY!!" kept echoing through my mind as I stood in
horror, helplessly entranced by the dancing purple mass on my TV. At
that moment, I heard a noise outside which disturbed the evil spell
long enough for me to break free and realize what was happening.  It
was then I became aware that no one was safe, and that I must find
others.

     FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE - Just turn
down volume on the TV the next time Barney appears.  Striped of his
music ( such as the 'I love you, you love me' brainwash chant, one of
his most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness immediately becomes
visible. I assure you, if you try this, you will feel a chill as you
watch the demonic blob silently moving its mouth, gesturing, and
dancing before you.  After a moment to recover your composure, you too
will realize what must be done.

Remember my friends,
He's Big.  He's Purple.  He must be destroyed.

----
Shane Guillory                     Dept of Biomedical Engineering
[e-mail]                  Louisiana Tech University

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If you wish to submit material to the ABL newsletter send mail to
[e-mail], and to send any comments mail
[e-mail].

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 * SPEED 1.30 >01< * Give the gift of life.  Dr. Herbert West


--
Fidonet: 1:3603/326
Internet: [e-mail]
Note:  These are only my own opinions...but others may agree!