╘HE INFORMATION PRESENTED IN THE FOLLOWING FILE IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. ╔T IS NOT FOR CHILDREN OR THE MENTALLY UNBALANCED. ╘HE AUTHORS OF THIS FILE TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY OF ITS CONTENTS. ╘HE AUTHORS ARE NOT LIABLE FOR ANY ILLEGAL USE OR MISUSE FOR THIS FILE.
├ALL ╟┼╘╘╔╬╟ ┼╓┼╬ THE SUBBOARD. ╬EW ON THE ╨IRATES ├ORNER ╬EWS ┴SSOCIATION (313)-386-4698, WITH UP TO THE MINUTE DIRTY TRICKS.
╚EY ╠EGION OF ─OOM, LETS SEE YOU TOP THIS FILE.
┬╧╒╬╘┘ ╚╒╬╘┼╥╙
╠OOK THROUGH THE DOZENS OF RELATIVELY RECENT "╫ANTED" POSTERS IN THE POST OFFICE FOR SOME NASTY CRIMINAL WHO LOOKS LIKE YOUR MARK. ╚OPEFULLY YOUR MARK IS NOT TOO WELL KNOWN OR IS A NEWCOMER. ┴CCORDING TO ╩. ┼DGER ═URTHA, IT'S AMAZINGLY TRUE THAT IN CHECKING TWO HUNDERED OR SO POSTERS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH SIX PEOPLE WHO HAVE A FAIRLY CLOSE RESEMBLANCE TO YOUR VARIOUS ENEMYS OR MARKS. ┬ORROW THESE POSTERS.
╘O PUT THIS PLAN INTO ACTION, SHOW YOUR MARK'S POSTER (OR USE ╪EROX COPIES TO WHICH YOU'VE AFFIXED A SEAL FROM YOUR NOTERY STAMP (SEE ╟┼╘╘╔╬╟ ┼╓┼╬ THE SUBBOARD FOR HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN NOTERY SEAL) AROUND MACHO BARS WHERE AMATEUR BOUNTY HUNTERS AND OTHER GUYS WHO READ ╙OLDIER OF ╞ORTUNE HANG OUT. ─ROP WORD THAT YOU'RE A PRO-HUNTER AND THAT THERE'S A $25,000 REWARD FOR THIS PERSON. ╔N HARD TIMES YOUR WANTED POSTER, AND YOUR MARK, WILL ATTRACT A LOT OF ATTENTION. ╔F YOU'RE ESPECIALLY BALLSY, VISIT, VISIT THE LOCAL CONSTABLES AND SHOW THEM THE POSTER COPIES.
╘HE THING THAT MAKES THIS WORK, ACCORDING TO ═URTHA, IS ALSO SHOWING SOME REALISTIC STAKEOUT-TYPE PHOTOS OF THE SUBJECT WHICH YOU HAVE TAKEN YOURSELF. ┼XPLAIN THAT THESE ARE "SURVEILANCE" PHOTOS. ╠ET YOUR BOUNTY HUNTER OR CONSTABLE COMPARE THE PHOTOS AND THE POSTER. ╘HE CLOSER YOU GET TO THE MARK'S NEIGHBORHEAD, THE FASTER YOUR OPERATION WILL COME HOME TO HAUNT HIM.
─┼╨┴╥╘═┼╬╘ ╙╘╧╥┼╙
╘HIS ONE WORKS GREAT IN THE WOMENS DRESSING ROOMS AT DEPARTMENT STORES. ┘OU MOUNT A SMALL ╘╓ CAMERA-LIKE BOX ON ONE OF THE TOP CORNERS OF THE DRESSING CUBICLE WHERE LADIES TRY ON THEIR PROSPECTIVE PURCHASES. ╘APE A SMALL PRINTED SIGN UNDER THE BOX, NOTING, "╞OR ╨RIVATE ╙ECURITY ╨URPOSES ╧NLY, ─O ╬OT ┬E ┴LARMED." ╙IGN THE CARD WITH THE NAME OF THE STORE MANAGER.
╔F YOU WISH TO BE EVEN MORE BALLSY, ADD THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE, TOO. "═ATURE SECURITY PERSONNEL DESTROY ALL PHOTOGRAPHS IMMEDIATELY IF THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF RETAIL THEFT." ┴CCORDING TO ONE FIELD REPORT THIS LAST SIGN BLUSHED UP A STORM THAT ALMOST ENDED IN A LAWSUIT AGAINST THE STORE.
╫HY SUCH A ROTTEN TRICK? ╔N AN EARLIER CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY, STORE SECURITY PERSONNEL HAD CHALLENGED A TOTALLY INNOCENT WOMAN, ACCUSING HER OF BEING A SHOPLIFTER. ╘HEY WEREN'T GOING TO LET HER GO, UP TO AND INCLUDING THE STORE MANAGER, UNTILL SHE MENTIONED SHE WAS DATING A LOCAL ACTIVIST ATTORNEY- WHICH WAS A BIT OF AN EXAGGERATION, BECAUSE SHE KNEW HIM ONLY AS A SOCIAL ACQUAINTENCE.
╠ATER, THIS YOUNG LADY PROCEEDED WITH THE SCAM OUTLINED ABOVE ...MUCH MORE FUN THAN A REAL LAWSUIT. ┴ND, AS SHE POINTS OUT, WHEN YOUR SETTLEMENT IS OUTSTANDING LAUGHTER, YOU DON'T HAVE TI SHARE AN OUTRAGEOUS SUM OF IT WITH SOME LAWYER.
┼╠┼╓┴╘╧╥╙
─AVID ╚ALL OF ╫╤╪╔ IN ┴TLANTA ONCE HAD REASON TO BE FURIOUS WITH THE ADMINISTRATORS OF HIS COLLEGE DURING UNDERGRADUATE DAYS. ╘HE BEEF HAD TO DO WITH VISITING HOURS, CURFEWS, AND A HIGH RISE DORMITORY BUILDING. ┴ NON-ENGINEER, ╚ALL SPENT ONE HOUR REWIRING THE ELECTRIC PANEL BEHIND THE FLOOR INDICATOR BUTTONS OF THE DORMS ELEVATOR.
╚ALL, SAYS, "╔ REWIRED BUTTONS AND STOPS SO THE FLOORS AND THE INDICATORS DIDN'T MATCH. ╞OR EXAMPLE, SOMEONE WOULD PUNCH THE BUTTON FOR 5 AND END UP ON 10. ╧R, THEY'D HIT 8 AND END UP ON 2, THINGS LIKE THAT. ╔ DID IT ON ╙ATURDAY NIGHT WHEN EVERYONE WAS LIKELY TO COME LATE AND DRUNK. ╔T WAS HILARIOUS."
┼VEN MORE HILARIOUS WAS ╚ALLS REPORT THAT IT TOOK THE UNIVERSITY ELECTRICIANS AN ENTIRE DAY TO GET THE MACHINE COORDINATED AGAIN.
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═ALCOLM ═ILLER WAS SIMPLY A MIDDLE CLASS PISSANT, UNTILL HE TURNED IN SOME FRIENDS WHO WERE MAKING PRIVATE AND MODERATE USE OF CANNABIS SATIVA (POT) AMONG THEMSELVES. ┴FTER PAYING A MODERATE FILNE AND GETTING SUSPENDED SENTENCES FROM SOME DRUNKEN HYPOCRITE OF A ╬IXONIAN JUDGE, OUR HEROES DECIDED TO GET BACK AT THEIR PARTY POOPER.
╘HEY OBTAINED SOME MEDICINE BOTTLES OF THE TYPE IN WHICH PRESECRIPTION ARE DISPENSED. ╧NE OF THEM LIFTED A PAD OF PRESCRIPTION LABELS FROM A SMALL PHARMACY. ╘HEY TYPED LABELS IN THE NAME OF THE MARK, THEN INCLUDED THE INSTRUCTION, "╘AKE ONE EVERY FOUR HOURS FOR PENIS INFECTION." ╘HEY ALSO TYPED LABELS FOR HIM, "INFECTING HIM WITH PINWORMS, ╓─, TRENCHMOUTH, ALCOHOLISM, OPIATE REACTION, HERPES, ECT. ╘HE BOTTLES BEGAIN TO APPEAR AROUND HIS AREA AT WORK, IN HIS CAR, IN HIS WIFES CAR, ECT.
┴╔╥ ├╧╬─╔╘╔╧╬┼╥╙
╔N THE INTEREST OF SAVING ENERGY AND BEING LESS SELF-INDULGENT, WE ARE PASSING ALONG THIS IDEA FROM ╫ILBUR ┴ARON'S BROTHER. ╚E SAYS YOU CAN SABOTAGE A WINDOW-MOUNTED AIR CONDITIONER WITH NOTHING MORE THAN A WAD OF CHEWING GUM. ╘HE RATIONALE FOR THIS IS UP TO YOU, OF COURSE. ╫E HOPE ONLY THAT ITS JUSTIFIED. ┴NYWAY, YOU SIMPLY STUFF THAT WAD OF ╫RIGLEY'S ┬EST UP THE CONDENSATION DRAIN TUBE OF THE UNIT. ╫ITH LUCK YOUR MARK WON'T NOTICE THE OVERFLOW UNTIL HIS FLOOR TILES LIFT OFF FROM THE FLOODING MOISTURE.
╙├┴╥╔╬╟ ╘╚┼ ╙╚╔╘ ╧╒╘ ╧╞ ╨┼╧╨╠┼
╘HE ┴╥╙╧╬╔╙╘ OF ╘╚┼ ├╧══╧─╧╥┼ ├┴╞┼ ┬┬╙ (313-284-7176) ONCE HAD A GUY WHO HE WANTED TO SCARE TO DEATH. ╚IS FATHER HAD SOME NUMBERS THAT LET A HUNDRED PEOPLE TALK ON THE PHONE AT ONCE, SO HE BORROWED ONE. ╘HEN HE CALLED UP EVERYONE HE KNEW. ╘HEN THEY CALLED UP THEIR MARK. ╫HEN HE ANSWERED THE PHONE, THEY ALL BEGAIN SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR VOICE. ╘HE MARK GOT SO SCARED, HE THREW THE PHONE OUT THE WINDOW.
┼╬─ ╧╞ ╞╔╠┼
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├REDITS BY ═R. ├0╙═╧╙
╘HE INFORMATION FOR THIS FILE WAS GATHERED BY:
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╘HE ═┴─! BULLPEN...
╘HE ├OMMODORE ╦ID (├HIEF ┼DITOR OF ═┴─! ╒NDERGROUND ╨UBLICATIONS, ╫RITER, AND ═R. ┼╙╙ HIMSELF.) ─ETROIT, ═I.
═╥. ├0╙═╧╙ (╘HE PAYPHONE EXPERT, AND ALSO A DAMM GOOD EDITOR) ╘ORONTO, ├ANADA
╘╚┼ ╟╥┼═╠╔╬ (╘HE NEXT ╨RESIDENT OF THE ╒NITED ╙TATES, AND ╘HE ╫ORLDS ╟REATEST ┼XPERT ON THE ╧MEGA ┬OX.), ├HICAGO, ╔L
╨╚╧╬┼ ┬┴╬─╔╘ (╚IS NAME SAYS IT ALL), ╠OS ┴NGELES, ├A
╘╚┼ ┼╪╧╥├╔╙╘ (╙TAFF WRITER), ╬EW ┘ORK, ╬EW ┘ORK
═R. ╪ (╘ECHNICAL INFO.), SOMEWHERE IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE
