Shareware 1 2 the Maxx/sw_1.zip/sw_1/TEXT/KOB.ZIP/KOB2.TXT

Text File | 1989-05-19 | 18KB | 303 lines

                            Chapter Two.

                              Why Me?

       Penelope glared at Bernie and shreiked"You stupid fool!Look what
youv'e gone and made me do!"
       "Oh my!Poor Jesse!"He murmed,seemingly oblivious to Penelope's anger.
       "What do you mean 'Poor Jesse'?We are the one's who are going to be
put away for murder!"
       "Eh?Oh I see what you mean."
       Penelope's mind was in overdrive and she was frantically looking for
something else to cast the blame upon.
       "But wasn't it an accident?"Inquired Bernie.
       "Shut up..now let me see..Eh? What did you say?"
       "When?"
       "Just a second ago!"
       "Oh...erm."
       This is one of the great failings of people in general and people
everywhere else for that matter..asking someone to repeat something that
they heard perfectly.The person who originally made the comment gets
extremely bored by this and won't repeat it,or as in the case of Bernie they
forget what they said.
       Penelope,being a rather dense person, believes that she has misheard,
and continues in her efforts to cast the blame.
       Penelope suddenly realised that she was up the proverbial creek
without a paddle,proverbial or otherwise,and took the easy way out by
letting her mouth run riot while disengaging her overtaxed brain.
      "How could I be so careless!"she sobed.Amazed by the fact that she
managed to sob something she tried again but it came out as a shriek.
      "Um."Replied Bernie.
      "I mean the overhand double flip is so easy!"
      "Um."Ventured Bernie.
      "But that skateboard was lying on the floor!"
      "Um."Said Bernie then:"What are you talking about?"
      "Axe throws!"
      "Huh?"
      "Well you see it's like this: Jesse was worried about me and he asked
me if I knew any self-defence,and I didn't so he said that he would teach me
...um..Defensive axe throwing for Beginners.And then you got that note from
a complete stranger who I don't know, who was ridiculing you..Oh I know!
this stranger want's you dead and calculated that I would be doing the erm
double twist underhand erm..flopsy do at Madnit I mean Midnight so he wrote
the note telling you to come to the barn at Twelve but luckily you were late
so you didn't open the door as I threw the axe at it."
       Fortunately for Penelope, bernie is also dense and does not realise
that she is leading him up the garden path as it were.
       "Gee,"he murmurs;"You must be right!"
       "But what if Jesse thinks I did it on purpose?"She has momentarily
forgotten that Jesse is in fact dead."
       "Oh he is such a kind person that he would never believe that."
Replies Bernie in such sickly sweet adoring tones that Penelope quietly
heaves over Jesse's prone form.
       "The sight of all this gore must be getting to you."says Bernie
sympathetically"Let's get some fresh air."
       "Mmm good idea."she replies as she wipes the remains of her now
liquidised dinner from her chin and follows Bernie into the still night air.
       "Perhaps we could tell Jesse that it was Injuns I mean indians that
did it but we fought them off!"She shrieks.
       "I wouldn't like to lie to Jesse."replies Bernie meekly.
       "Well it wouldn't really be lying because you are 7/18976 indian.."
       "7/18977"
       "Whatever.. and you came in and startled me and the axe slipped and
hit Jesse.So you see it's a near-truth."
       In Bernie's knowledgeable opinion a near-truth came under the same
category as a little bit pregnant but he went along with it anyway.
       "Well.. okay, but if we fought the indians off then why has he got an
axe sticking out of his head?"
       "Oh..good point..I know!The injuns,I mean indians tried to scalp him
but they only got half way through his head before we stopped them and
chased them.."Penelope's face fell.
       "Yes that's it!"Exclaimed Bernie more enthustiastically than the
occasion demanded.
       Penelope would have given him a funny look but instead she said:
       "HE'S DEAD!!"
       "Yes there is that."replied Bernie mildly.Then the message got
through to his brain and he collapsed in a flood of grief.Well not
literaly... there wasn't actually a flood of the stuff or he'd have drowned
he just sort of cried a little bit,well quite a lot actually but it still
wasn't a flood.
       Jesse was slowly regaining conciousness during the above dialogue and
wasn't dead at all, not even a little bit, well maybe a little bit of him
was dead a few cells but nothing an Elasto-plast couldn't fix.
        Bernie came bursting into the rickety barn in tears just as Jesse
fully regained conciousness.
        "What the hell is this axze doing in my head?" exclaimed Jesse.
        "Oh! Thank god youre alive!"
        Jesse pondered this statement for a few moments without managing to
come up with a suitable reply, so instead he grunted.This appeared to please
Bernie no end and he flung himself onto Jesse in a veritable torrent of
emotion.
        It is at this point in the proceedings that the author points out to
the reader the number of references to the weather and more particularly to
rain that one uses when describing a person who is grief stricken.

                           -***********-
        George bernard Shaw was wandering aimlessly around his library
dressed in his silk paisley dressing gown with matching sliuppers looking
for inspiration, but he couldn.t find him so he began looking through his
vast collection of books.
        His eyes took on a new sheen as his gaze found a particularly old
book.he sat down in a deep comfortable armchair and lit his pipe,he opened
the book at the first page and began to read.

                           -************-

        Some time later that same morning Farmer Barleymowe wandered into
the Barn.He was dressed as usual in green wellies amock which looked rather
like an empty or perhaps nearly empty sack of King Edward potatoes.
        At this particular moment in time the author becomes rather boring
in his use of descriptive terms having used up his entire repetoire in the
first three lines along withh all the words in the 12th edition of the
Oxford Dictionary that he could understand.
       He was carrying his pithcfork (as farmers tend to do, for no apparent
reason other than sticking in wayward lads backsides whilst they are hiding
in haystacks) on the end of which was some hay and some fresh blood. He
spied Mr Bloggs bodyless finger. This makes him annoyed and he begins one of
monotenous speechs which doesn't directly involve, but somehow always
mentions, the good old days.

       "Bloody kids.'ow the bloody 'ell am I meant to take over the bloody
world when bloody kids leave bloody fingers lying all round the bloody place
all the bloody time.It bloody gets to you after a bloody while."
       The more observent of the readers will have noticed the strange
speech defect inherent in the above dialect.
       "I remember the good old days, I never used to leave bloody fingers
'ere, there and everybloodywhere. 'ell I used to bring them to my mother,
god rest 'er bloody soul, all wrapped up nice loike in a 'ankerchief."
       For the slow ones amongst you, the farmer never pronounces his H's.

       Lisa Cameron Wood-Stoddart walked rather boringly into the barn.
She had arrived on Gozo three years ago searching for the rare Sir
Gomchiliwockian-thrisssnitomlian-gol-brimmmminiurtiuhjunnhunu commemerative
stamp.(a not very famous person in Gozian history).
Only Seven of these was ever printed because it was found that people
could not be bothered to learn how to pronounce the name and therefore never
asked for them.
       Lisa had managed to find out that six of these had been destroyed by
irate shop-owners who couldn't pronounce the name either.But one of them was
still intact!!Unfortunately this one was now on it's way to South Africa
because some smart-alec had managed to pronounce the name right and had
used it to post a letter.
       He had posted the letter the day before Lisa had found out where the
stamp was located.Unfortunatly for Lisa due to the very small amount of
people who actually travel to and from Gozo the next plane to anywhere from
Gozo is not for 7 years yet and this is going to Madagascar via the Ukraine,
with a three month stop off at Bolivia to refuel.
       Lisa does not want to go to Bolivia because of the extremely rare
Bolivian finger eating ants which no-one has ever reported any sightings of
but just very very occasionaly someones finger will mysteriously go missing
in the middle of the night.
       Too bad Lisa.
       When she arrived in Gozo farmer Barleymowe immediately took a liking
to her and offered her a room at his house for nominal services but then she
thanked him and he immediately regretted his rash act. (the process of
thanking him took 2 and a 1/2 hours.)She is boring.Very boring.Very very
Boring, in fact she is boring that the world record for not falling asleep
while she is talking to you required the second to be split into amazingly
small divisions called Qazes (which are 100 times smaller than a nano-
second) for it even to be measured.This time scale was tried and tested by
Bernie Wheels but no body was really very interested.
       Farmer Barleymowe was extremely upset when she interupted his
carefully prepared speech, but he decided that the more prudent thing to do
would be to wander off to feed his Pig (again).
       The entire cotents of the barn appeared to yawn at the mere sight of
Lisa including the burnt torch in the far corner, but they could not escape
or fall asleep or for that matter Yawn seen as they are inanimate objects
but take it from me they would have yawned if they could.
                      -*************-
        Farmer Barleymowe wandered off in the general direction of his Pig..
Georgina he looked up just in time to witness something very parculiar.
        "My God!"He murmured,"that looks like a Multi dimensional walking dog
kennel swallowing my Pig whole."Then he continued to throw feed in the
direction in which the pig had once been.
                         -************-

        The Multi-dimensional dog kennel sat alone well squated alone,
underneath an old gnarled oak tree and sat there wondering why the hell
Bernie had invented him(We asume the kennel is a he as its very difficult to
tell what sex a kennel).
       I mean what good is a multi-dimensional walking dog kennel to anyone! So
he could walk, talk, think, make smart and witty comments and was bigger on
the inside than the outside but he was no use to anyone. After much thought
and after totally discarding the theory of occams razor he decided that
Bernie was too incredibly dense to have invented him all on his own so he
came up with this rather bizarre theorum:

        Several decades ago some small green creatures called Lk'ghuns
travelled to the earth in their rather lovely space ship which was called:
                         "Henry"
        Not very dramatic perhaps but translated into english this mean:
 "A very nice space-ship owned by george of the Lk'ghuns called Henry."
        They decided by some strange method that someone in the vicinity of
Gozo was going to attempt to destroy the world and they thought that the
earth was such a lovely place with all it's trees and things that it
shouldn't be destroyed so after lots and lots of pain-staking work they
invented: "Keith." or in our own tongue: "A multi-dimensional walking dog
kennel." and they then set about planting all the ideas in bernie's head
and spreading the neccesary components around the island so as not to make
it too obvious.

       The Multi-dimensional walking dog kennel was totally wrong,he had
been invented because of extremely wild coincidence; the Lk'ghuns had never
actually reachaed the earth but had crashed into Jupiter.
       The Kennel decided to begin a quest to find his creater and mentor,
Bernie. But first of all he had to find out where HE was.He wandered
around aimlessly for seveal hours before he came across the one and only
shop in Gozo, where he picked up a map with an arm that suddenly sprouted
from his roof much to the store keepers surprise and put it through his
doorway where he committed it to memory.
       "My god!That looked liked a multi-dimensional walking dog kennel
taking a map!"commented the store keeper then totally forgot about it as the
kennel walked from the shop.
       It only took the kennel a few minutes to find Bernie's house and
he decided that he would wait for Bernie to come out.
       He waited for several hours untill a rather excited Bernie
emerged and than he followed him to the Barn.
       Most of what went on at the barn is rather confused but for some
unexplained reason he found himself saying Antidisestablishmentarianism. He
felt that the behavour of everybody in the barn was most unorthadox so he
decided to go and investigate his surroundings.
       After being chased around a field for several hours by a rather
shabby and ferocious German Sheperd dog who, It seems, would not give up until
dead or zapped by several hundred cosmic rays, as the case may be, he found
himself staring (with whatever Multi-dimensional Walking dog kennels for
eyes) at a pig pen in which a farmer was feeding a pig (these are commonly
found in pig pens). He decided that the farmer although evil looking may
be the perfect subject to do his talking for him, after the incident in the
shop he decided that he'd better refrain himself from behavour not usually
associated with kennels and that he should speak through someone.
       He targeted the farmer and fired. At this point a rather happy and
dazed Alsation had decided to make its entrance and pounced on the kennel.
A Multi-coloured cosmic ray shot across the yard and hit the pig.
      "Damn !" the pig complained.
      This amazed the kennel then it realised that the pig was now his voice.
      The Alsation was trying to clamber into the kennel when suddenly its
eyes met with several cosmic rays and it did the only rational thing it
could ,it collapsed into a heap on the floor. The Kennel dashed into the pen
and decided to swallow the pig until he could think of something to do about
the situation. It then decided, with the pig in tow, to seek out Bernie
which basically meant following the explosions and loud shouts of abuse.
      During this time the farmer had barly lifted a eyebrow ,partly due
to the fact that he had lost them whilst testing out Bernie Wheels Amazing
Pocket Combine Harvester but mainly because his brain could not cope with the
concept of a Multi-Dimensional Walking Dog Kennel, so he decided to ignore
and forget about it.
                    -********************-
      Jesse awoke with a stabbing pain in his temple, Bernie had neglected
to remove the axe buried in it. He  surveyed his surrondings .He was lying
in a very brightly coloured four poster bed. Directly in front of him lay a
large vanity mirror and a strange hollow tubular device which Jesse deduced
as being a strange tubular device,he's clever like that. In the mirror he
noticed that he was wering a smallish Star Wars dressing gown with the words
May The Force Be With You Bernie across it in pink letters. At this moment he
realised he didn't have his gun, I said he was clever didn't I. This made him
jerk upright and he hit his head on one of the posts and recevied a nasty
knock.
      "Thank You", he murmed.
       The knock then set about pulling his hair and jumping on his head.
He brushed It aside. He then wondered how he knew the knock's name was It.
Strange ,never mind.
       He lay on the Bed for several moments trying without much luck to
recall the events pertaining to his present situation.Then suddenly it all
came flooding back to him in glorious technicolour with subtitles for the
hard of hearing.
       "Oh Shit!" he wailed "What has she done !?!"
       Bernie chose that precise moment to come bounding into the room with
a tray precariously balanced on the Bernie Wheels Pocket Tray Carrier.
(Bernie went through a stage of inventing pocket things he also invented a
pair of trousers with 16 rather large pockets in them for carryong his
devices.)
        He lay the tray on Jesse's lap and watched him.
        The tray contained a rather odd assortment of eggs,toast,cheese,
pancakes tea and red roses.
        Jesse eyed it rather dubiously.
        "Don't you want anything to eat?"Asked bernie hurtfully.
        "Erm..No I feel sick"he replied weakly.
        "Ah..I see,be back in a mo!"and with that he skipped from the room.
        Bernie spent the following 2 hours inventing a medicine for Jesse.
Actually inventing the medicine only took 5 minutes but it tasted nice and
much as he hated to he knew that medicines had to taste nasty so he spent
the next hour and 55 minutes adding foul smelling potions to it.Then he
stirred it up and went in to give it to Jesse.
        "Drink up"
        Jesse peered at the liquid which was trying its upmost to disolve
the spoon. He tried to picture what it would do to his stomach.
        Bernie thrust the spoon at Jesse spilling some on the bed clothes
which instantly began to smoke.
        "It's good for you",Bernie insisted. Jesse wondered how a
liquid/solid that dissolves spoons and turns bed clothes into smoke at a
touch could be good for him. In mid-ponder the spoon was shoved into Jesse's
mouth and the liquid/solid was poured off (it wasn't as instant as it sounded
infact it took several shakes before the liquid/solid was persuaded to leave
the remains of the spoon).
        "Why Me?" Jesse managed to murmur as everything went black.