Shareware 1 2 the Maxx/sw_1.zip/sw_1/TEXT/KOB.ZIP/KOB3.TXT

Text File | 1992-02-17 | 15KB | 254 lines

                            Chapter Three.

                           As yet UnTitled.

       Farmer Barleymowe was lounging in his hammock strung between two apple
trees in his small orchard.(Small in this context meaning two).The orchard
was his only retreat from the hectic life of a farmer, once in a while he
just had to get away from it all. He had as yet not decided how exactly he
was going to take over the world but this does not worry him because he has
decided that this will be one of those things that sort themselves out,
hopefully.

       He was wondering where his Pig had got to. Over the years he had grown
found of his pig Gertrude as one might become found of a particular spoon.
They had grown up together, known each others habits and once in a night
of drunken deborturey had nearly married her but alas noone had a ring .
They decided to remain just friends .But as seems to be the case
with most meetings with the Kennel he soon forgot about it totally and turned
to his alsatian who showed that somewhere in his ancestry lurked a greyhound
and disappeared before Farmer Barleymow got any funny ideas..

       With a flash of inspiration he decided that now was the time to set
things in motion he dashed off in a westerly direction and then suddenly
realising that he was still in his hammock crashed to the ground in a
floury of 'bloodys' and 'stupid kids'.

                          -************-
       Penelope was slouching around in the west wing looking for a pot of
Rabid Fish Grey paint. Today she was wearing a rather fetching yellow boiler
suit. She was turning over in her mind several zany and wacky things to do
top on the list was to seduce Farmer Barleymowe's pig. The rest of the list
consisted of several sad and depraved item including :

            Eating the contents of Farmer Barleymos Orchard
(Which on the surface may not look to bad but you don't know how he waters
them)
            Discussing Politics with Lisa
            Dressing up as an Injun and creeping up on Jesse
            Visiting the Natural History Museum and ENJOYING it

          The rest of the list is can't be published because it is illegal
immoral and impossible (Not that i've tried it or anything anyway I didn't have
any Ready Salted Chocolate flavour Spam and the Strawberry didn't have the same
effect).

       In order to do this, she decided, a change of appearance was necessary
, maybe her hair needed platting,she disappeared into her make-up room. There
were several grunts and shouts of abuse. She stumbled from the room rather
tousled, her hair was looking rather better but still unplatted.

       She decided to leave the hair and set about her face with a powder
puff. After the dust cleared she decided to attack her lips with a rather
bright shade of black lip gloss.

       The end result left much to be desired, unfortunately this did not
include Penelope.Her face looked like the inside of a 3 week old cucumber
wearing lip gloss.

       Penelope however was quite pleased by the overall effect, and went
off in search of the pig.
                              -**************-
       George slammed the book shut and a cloud of dust momentarily
enveloped his head but was cleared by a good cough. He smiled a very smug
smile to himself and placed the book in his dressing gown pocket.

       He yawned a very hearty yawn and made his way over to where his word
processor lay. He sat down on the rickety old chair placed in front of the
computer. He removed the novel from his pocket and dropped by the keyboard.He
then began to type.
                               -*************-
       Jesse opened his eyes to find another pair of eyes peering at
him.
        "Are you alright?" The eyes inquired.
        Jesse shook himself then, all too suddenly realised where he was.
        "I don't want n'more medicine."
        "It's O.K. the rest of it seems to have gone." with this Bernie
produced a large piece of mettled glass which could've once been a bottle,
depending on how imaginative you are, Jesse wasn't very.
        "What's that?"
        "Oh it's the medicine bottle."
        "Argh."came the strangled reply.Jesse's imagination was good enough
for him to be able to conjure up pictures of his melted innards.
        "Argh?"Questioned bernie.
        "Argh." repeated Jesse.
        "That's what I thought you said.You need your rest I'll call back
later with some more medicine."
         "Argh."
         "Yes that's right, bye." Bernie murmured.
         "Argh."
         'That bang seems to have disturbed him'Thought Bernie, 'Oh well
he'll be fine after some more medicine.'

          Jesse however had other plans for his small intestine than death
by medicine.He jumped out of bed and leapt out the window...and then leapt
back in again almost as quickly when he realised that he was only wearing
his longjohns.

          He hurriedly pulled on his clothes and leapt out the window again
and ran as fast as his legs would carry him back to his ramshackle hut on
the beach.He quietly had the screaming heebee jeebee's  for a while and then
scraped off the remainder of penelope's vomit which was clinging desperately
to his lumberjack shirt.He went to bed feeling very sorry for himself but
could not sleep because images of a sadistic Bernie holding a medicine
bottle kept pushing there way into his thought's.

       He decided that he had to do something about his stomach which
he thought was nothing more than a pool of liquid flesh.He was wrong his
stomach had long ago gotten used to worse things than Bernie's medicines
for example when he was 7 years old he had drunk a bottle of bleach followed
by a second and a third mainly for effect rather than anything else.He
didn't really like his mother;she had taken away his six shooter
after he had killed his baby brother during a game of Cowboy's and Injuns
and thought that if he drunk the bleach it would upset his mother but it
didn't she merely giggled a little bit (being under the influence of bleach
herself) the one thing that it did upset was his digestive system which made
him throw up several times by way of reprimand which as you know is just
south of Watford.Why his stomach made him throw up just south of watford
remains a mystery.

       Jesse decided to seek out Penelope to get her advice on his totally
imaginary problem, not that she would be much help of course she may murmur a
few "oh dear's" but would soon change the direction of the conversation on
to something of more interest to herself such as the new colour of her
wellies or the condition of her nails.

                       -****************-

        Bernie Wheels was working away at his old wooden desk trying to
invent a time machine but he wasn't getting very far due to the fact that he
didn't know any maths or anything about the fabric of the space time
continuum. Knowing anything about this would not have done him any good
whatsoever because the parts that he would need for the Time Machine were not
to be found on Gozo but would have to be ordered from England which would
probably take about 125 years because of the necessary procedure of waiting
for the next plane to leave for England (7 years hence) the manufacturers
would then have to confirm the order, lose it, misfile it, reconfirm,  find that
they don't have any in stock, order the parts, lose this order, find it,lose
it, get the parts, find there is a fault in them, reorder, reconfirm, lose,
find lose, misfile and finally send Bernie a Chip fryer, then they would have
to go through the whole procedure again until someone made a mistake and sent
Bernie the correct order.

         He chewed thoughtfully on the arm of his horn rimmed glasses.he
didn't really like the glasses because they made his eyes ache and he
couldn't see anything with any amount of clarity while he was wearing them
but judging from all the films he had seen about inventors he had to wear
them to keep up appearances as it were.

         Also, he decided, he would need a device for travelling in. This
had been the purpose of the Multi-dimensional walking dog kennel but alas it
had wondered off. He searched the lab for something suitable. It was a while
before he returned to his bench with a small moth eaten suitcase. He had his
doubts about the size, so he tried to exorcise his fears by trying to fit
inside it.

          It took several hours, a thousand and twenty three swear words and
a family sized bottle of Diet Ribena before he found himself rather stickily
inside the suitcase, it took a further two hours and two hundred and three
swear words before the case was shut.

          'Eureka' he thought. This was suddenly and horrifically followed by
the realisation that he was completely and utterly 100% totally stuck.

          There was a knock at the door. 'MMmfg hklop werty' Bernie mumbled
from
the shut suitcase. The knock ignored him and carried on in its pursuit of
nothing in particular. At this point there was an urgent knocking at the door.
Bernie always received a visit from the local urgent about this time of day to
discuss the weeks urgent happenings. After the urgent had gave up, he received
an unexpected visitor (Cue:Dramatic Music(Incidently the music from this book
is available on cassette from styleless records at a reasonable price of
£9.73)).

                            -***************-

          Jesses thudded into Penelopes front door which refused to co-operate
and stood there as doors are renowned for doing.  The skateboard which had
driven Jesse into this predicament then decided to take up the initiative and
travel backwards leaving Jesse's body in a quandary in as to which way to go.
It took the obvious choice and headed directly down until its decent was
interrupted by the hard, unmoving ground

          Just as Jesse lifted his head the door swung open and a strange
figure came bounding out it paused momentarily, shrieked 'Lo Jesse can't stop'
and continued its enthusiastic journey into the distant.  Jesse gave the
seasoned reply of 'Urg' and decided the figure looked just like a the inside
of a 3 week old cucumber wearing lip gloss.  His attention then turned(well not
so much turned more like pivoted) to the imaginary state of his stomach after
its rapid and unexpected meeting with the ground.

          'Arrgh' He muttered (as he had a habit of doing at recent times) and
lifted himself up onto his feet and stumbled into the house.  This caused him
some pain so he tried the empty doorway instead.

     Jesse travelled from door to door, room to room hoping to find some kind
of miracle cure to his present state.  It then dawned on him that Gozo was such
a small island that it only had one state and it wasn't that bad really so he
resumed his quest in search of some king of stomach lining rejuvenator.  His
attention was drawn to noise coming from a previously unopened doorway which
he promptly opened a crack and peered in.

          The room was full of a various assortment of welly boots.  In the
corner sat a rather peculiar object which began to move, this immediately
caught Jesses attention.  It only be compared to a lumpy bag of potatoes wearing
a brown teacosy/hat.  The object proceeded to the other corner of the room and
picked up a pair of tortured dog blue wellies muttered 'appen they'll do' and
climbed out the window.  Much to the sacks surprise the window was still closed.
As it crashed through the window there was a constant stream if 'bloddy's and
stupid kids until it hit the ground with a thud.  Jesse felt quite strange as
he had never seen a thud up close.

                          -***************-

 Bernie was still occupied in his pursuit of trying to escape from his luggage
confinement but all he succeeded in doing was twisting his body into various
very uncomfortable and geographically impossible positions.  The gang of six
knocks had taken this opportunity to ransack the place, it wasn't until they
realised the place looked tidier for it that they abandoned this activity.

During this time the unexpected visitor continued pounding on the door (This
is a common occurrence in the civilised (Obviously not including France), a
person will continue to knock on the door even though it is absolutely clear
the person is not home or does not want to answer the door or cannot answer
the door or is just in the middle of bisecting a frog).  The pounding subsided
then there was a small click and the door became a jar (a most impressive site
due to a strange circumstantial chemical reaction the door meta-morphasised and
now in the doorway stood a small half eaten jar of marmite).

The figure stepped over this and entered the room.  The apparel of the stranger
was a curious shade of luminous black which caught the light, toyed around with
a little and then tossed it aside.  The only slight anomaly in his outfit was
a pair of bright pink pop socks, which were just visible beneath his billowing
cloak (which in itself was strange as there hadn't been any wind in Gozo since
1963 when it was outlawed (See Section 5 Paragraphs 3 and 12 of the GO AWAY
WIND Act of 1963)).  Scattered around his person was a various assortment of
torture items guaranteed to 'KILL IF NOT MAIM EVEN YOUR CLOSEST FRIEND'.  His
attention was drawn to the strange bouncing suitcase so he strode toward it.
His cloak, however, had a different plan, it decided it was tired of billowing
and would take a rest, on his face.  So it did.  This confused the stranger so
he picked the closest carelessly placed objected and hurled himself over it.
This released a small chocolate eclair shaped object which he landed straight
on (For the faint hearted out there I suggest you close your eyes before
reading further).  Then there came a noise beneath him which sounded like the
great 80's hit from those pop giants the Nolans 'I'm In the Mood for
Dancing'(The Nolans of course being one of the most common and most effective
forms of torture in the Western Hemisphere).  The figure then lay silent.  The
silence was broken (Well more like shattered) by the suitcase flying open from
which a very battered, and now very familiar with every part of his body,
Bernie emerged.  He peered around the room noticed the body but couldn't
remember if it was there originally there so he left as it seemed to bring a
rather homely atmosphere about the place.  The Knocks Groaned.