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1991-06-17
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157 lines
KNIGHTSBRIDGE OR BUST
An Epic Of Novel Proportions.
By Danny J Banks
Prologue.
This piece of literary excellence is set in the little known island
of Gozo in the Mediterranean. It is quite a small island with a population of
112 people, a couple of pigs and a rather strange looking device to be named
later. It is shunned by the rest of the world due to the fact that all women
who live on the island have to have a rather long name and therefore some
people were deported when this rule was introduced .These included Twiggy and
Cher. The main exports of this island is novels and strange devices. The
main imports are just about everything except novels and strange devices.
The native bird of Gozo is the Dodo,Yes the same Dodo, most people believed it
to be extinct but due to evolution it developed a Cloaking Device and
therefore is invisible; however they can be seen once every 22 years on the
fifth of April from 10 O'clock to 6 O'clock (with one hour for lunch).
However this bears no relevance to the plot whatsoever but if anybody
mentions the island Gozo you can look quite knowledgeable.The island boasts
several important inhabitants, it is a quiet retreat for a quite mad yet
surprisingly successful professor called Bernie Wheels. Its is a secluded
refuge for the famous novel writer George Bernard Shaw. Home to the retired
outlaw Jesse James, who now has quite a reputation as a pistol man for the
local loan shark J.Aws (We apologise for the last pun but the author was
going through a rather silly patch). In fact the island now has but one
native Gozian,he lives in a small bungalow in the very centre of the island
(The exact centre of the island is in fact in the middle of the lake medium
sized(when it came to naming places the Gozians weren't very original, the
two towns on Gozo are called The Capital and Not The Capital,and the three
main lakes are called Big lake, Small lake and Medium sized lake) but after
several attempts Gibjots Briknerv(the native) couldn't build his bungalow
on the lake so he settled for the nearest shore.) Well that's four of them
taken care of as for the other 108 i'd care not to mention them. On this
note (La) our story begins......
Chapter One.
"Oh my God ,He's Dead."
It was a quite warm Monday morning so Penelope Watherington-Smythe
decided to go sit in her favourite spot ,a vat of decomposing sugar at the
bottom of her garden (quite why it was there nobody knew but it didn't harm
them and they didn't harm it so it stayed there).It is a well known fact
that due to the strange gravitational effect caused by Gozo's position on
Earth, combined with the sub-tropical climate and one of Bernie Wheels'
failed experiments that sugar decomposes,this does not happen any where
else on our planet because all of the conditions aren't met.Hence Gozo is
famed (well nearly famed) for it's non alcoholic beverages,much to the
disappointment of all who visit and live on the Island.The sugar decomposes
before any of it turns to alcohol.
There are several large tree's in the vicinity of Penelope's vat and
these cause strange and frantic patterns of light and shade to wend there
way across Penelope's body giving her a gone wrong chameleon like appearance.
The rest of her garden is rather more ornate than the rusty tin vat.
It is a large sprawling affair with ponds and privet hedges just tossed in
by the bucket full (Rather large bucket full that is.) with the odd tree
here and there for good measure.
Penelope obviously inherited some of her ancestors traits along with
house in South brixton and the veritable fortune,such as rashness and
disorganisation, hence the slap-happy impression that the garden emanates.
Penelope was tall for her age (27),and she had long shimmering blue
hair (don't ask,it's too complicated to explain) that was tied in a rather
shabby knot at the back where she had tried to plait it again. All this gave
her a (sort of) radiance; the green boiler suit helped of course.
She had awoke and decided today was going to be the beginning of a
new Penelope Watherington-Smythe ;she was going to do all the things that she
had ever dreamed of .She pulled at the knot in her hair. A lot of it fell out
but eventually the knot came undone, and that was just the start. Watch out
world ,especially Bernie Wheels! Here comes Penelope Watherington-Smythe.
Today was going to be her day.
This however is a typical start to the day for Penelope, and all it
really consists of is a different colour boiler suit and a fresh coat of
paint for the wellies.
-*************-
On the south-eastern side of the island sat a lonesome
cowboy contemplating his purpose in the universe.He was rather sloppily
dressed in faded Levi's and a Lumber-Jack shirt that looked like it had been
slept in, or worse!
He had a rather tousled look about him and his face was cracked and
dry (those bits of it that were not covered by a shaggy beard) because his
Job called for outdoor work (Aside from the odd tavern brawl.).
He decided that his purpose was to shoot Indians and general do
gooders whilst getting drunk and have his wicked way with loose women.
He turned to his faithful horse , Buttercup,
"Well me old beauty ,what now?"
He waited for ten minutes then realised that horses couldn't speak and gave
up. He climbed onto his trusty steed and adjusted himself so he was
nearly comfortable.
"Saddles aren't as soft as they were twenty years ago." he thought.
He slapped his horse's backside ,Buttercup gave a small neigh then died of
a mysterious disease brought on by forty-seven year old cowboys slapping
there horses backside. He clambered out from under his dead horse ,
looked down at her and decided she died happy. Still now he had to walk.
Suddenly, as if out of nowhere a Skateboard Salesmen appeared
carrying a rather bright yellow skateboard under one arm and a glossy
sales brochure ,with a scantily clad women posing precariously on a
skateboard on the cover, under the other arm.
"Hello. I'm from PDX Skateboard association. I see your trusty steed
has just died and I wonder if I could interest you in a more modern and more
reliable form of transport. A skateboard"
He then put the skateboard down and began to do lots a tricks with silly
names like the flopsy do or the bunny dance.
"How much?" inquired the cowboy.
Rather out of breath the salesman replied
"For you sir 19 pounds 99."
"I can get 'em cheaper than that."
"How come?"
The cowboy pulled out a Gun and shot the salesman six times in the chest. He
then pulled the board from the mans clutches.
"That's how."
"Oh!" said the salesman and collapsed,dead.
The cowboy balanced himself on the board, pushed away and fell off.
He repeated this seven times and then finally whizzed off into the sunset
which struck him as being rather odd considering it was 3 O'clock in the
Afternoon .Jesse James decided today was going to be one of those weird
days.
-*******-
Bernie Wheels looked rather odd in fact his features are best
described as rock-like ,Whichever way you look at him he looks different but
still ugly. He was the islands mad inventor(see prologue) yet he was not
like most mad inventors ;his inventions worked, usually to his amazement. His
latest invention was kept a big secret but it involved a dog kennel.
He sat tampering away with a screwdriver and an old Alpha micro
computer trying to find some useful parts for his latest invention. After ten
minutes, and twenty chips, later he decided there were no useful parts and
started to take a