High Voltage Shareware/high1.zip/high1/DIR46/ALPHON_2.ZIP/MARRIAGE.M07

Text File | 1992-10-29 | 20KB | 394 lines

Study No. 7                     TO THE GLORY OF GOD
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                           THE 12 MAJOR CAUSES OF DIVORCE.

        1.  COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

        2.  SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY

        3.  DIFFERENT LEISURE-TIME ACTIVITIES

        4.  DISAGREEMENT OVER HOW TO RAISE THE CHILDREN

        5.  FINANCIAL COLLAPSE

        6.  SEXUAL UNFAITHFULNESS

        7.  POOR RELATIONSHIPS WITH EACH OTHER, CLOSE RELATIVES AND FRIENDS

        8.  THE COMPLAINT THAT "ALL THE FUN HAS GONE OUT OF THE MARRIAGE"

        9.  WOMEN'S LIB RELATED PROBLEMS

        10. ALCOHOL OR DRUG ABUSE

        11. PHYSICAL ABUSE

        12. POOR OR NO SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIP

        Husbands  are responsible to train up their families in the  way  they
        should go.   Until the marriage, the woman has every right to back out
        of  the  wedding and should if she's not happy in all twelve of  these
        areas.   Statistics prove the marriage has a poor chance if there is a
        problem in any of these areas. Statistics also prove that the marriage
        has  almost  no chance if there are problems in two or more  of  these
        areas.  Following the wedding,  the husband is in charge in all twelve
        areas  and the wife must accept his way of working these  things  out.
        But, husband, you are responsible to lead in all twelve areas.  If you
        are  blaming  your wife for failure in any of these  areas,  face  the
        fact:  you are out of step.  Take authority.  LEAD!

        Don't be like Adam.   I understand that Adam stood at the exit of  the
        Garden of Eden,  pointed back and said to his two sons,  "There is the
        place  where your mother ate us out of house and home!"  Don't accuse.
        LEAD!  (And lead with love.)

        Otherwise  you might face the attitude of a woman like Zsa  Zsa  Gabor
        who says,  "I'm a wonderful housekeeper.  Every time I get a divorce I
        keep the house!!!"

        THE FINANCIAL VALUE OF A WIFE

        If  your wife did the same things she does  free in your home,  here's
        what she'd have to be paid on the outside:
           As COOK she works an estimated average of 13 hours a  week,  which,
           at the going rate of $5.50 per hour = $71.50.

           She  does NURSEMAID  services at  least 45 hours a  week,  at $3.50
                                         = $162.00.

           As  DIETICIAN she spends at least one hour every week at the  going
           wage of $7.50 per hour = $7.50.

           As  FOOD BUYER she shops an average of 3 1/2 hours per week.   Food
           buyers are paid $3.75 per hour = $13.13.

           As DISHWASHER she could be making $3.15 per hour.   She works 7 1/2
           hours a week doing your dishes = $23.63.

           As your HOUSEKEEPER,  anywhere else she'd get $63.00 a week for the
           17 1/2 hours a week she gives you free.

           Add  another  $18.30  a  week for her 6  hour  weekly  donation  as
           LAUNDRESS.
           And  there's  the work of the SEAMSTRESS.   She makes  and  repairs
           clothing  an estimated hour a week.   A seamstress makes  $4.50  an
           hour on the open market = $4.50.

           And  have  you noticed the REPAIRS she's made on the furniture  and
           the  house in general?   She works on that 2 hours  a  week.   That
           would cost you $7.00 otherwise.

           Not  only  the inside gets her touch, but she's also a  GARDENER  2
           hours weekly.  That's another $8.50 if she were someone else.

           Do you know what a CHAUFFEUR makes?   He makes $10.50 an hour.  She
           averages  5  hours  each  week driving the family  all  over  town.
           That's $52.50 weekly.

        The  total  amounts  to  $431.56  a week  or  $1870.09  per  month  or
        $22,441.12  per year--and that's 103 hours and 30 minutes of work  per
        week--and  that's  not counting overtime,  holidays and  bonuses  that
        would have to be paid anyone other than your wife.

        SOME  MEN  DON'T  KNOW WHAT A WIFE IS WORTH UNTIL  A  JUDGE  SETS  THE
        ALIMONY PAYMENTS!!!

        BE GLAD YOU HAVE A CHRISTIAN WIFE

        In April,  1977, "Redbook Magazine" published the findings of a survey
        that proved the more religious a wife is,  the better adjusted to life
        she is.  These facts were listed:

        1. The  more  religious a woman is,  the happier she  is.   "The  very
           religious woman, for example, is least likely to report feelings of
           anxiety, tension or worthlessness."

        2. The  very religious woman "suffers less from headaches and  stomach
           upsets" than do women who are less sure of their beliefs.

        3. Also, the very religious woman is "least likely to report a loss of
           sexual interest or pleasure during the past year and is most likely
           to say that her faith enhances her marriage and her sex life."

        4. "Devout  women feel confident of God's forgiveness,  and this eases
           the  pang of guilt and doubt that besets  other  people.   Religion
           organizes one's life and gives it meaning,  and that should lead to
           health and happiness."

        COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE

        Marriage  totally changes the lives of two adults.   It requires dying
        to selfishness.   It equally requires real communication.  (Again, the
        average couple in the united States communicates 27 minutes a week  --
        remember  that  "communication" means "a stimulating  conversation  on
        both ends," but not an argument.)


        A simple formula for solving problems together:

        1.  Define the problem.

        2.  Discuss ways of solving it (write them down).

        3.  Decide on the very best plan.

        4.  Both commit to following that plan.

        Problems  DON'T  go  away  by totally  avoiding  them.   You  need  to
        communicate  with  your mate.   Communicate,  DON'T  just  talk.   The
        dictionary  defines  "talking" as "to utter words."  "To  communicate"
        means "to transmit thoughts."

        PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION

        1.  DECIDE YOU WILL COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR WIFE.   This decision has to
            be made by the husband.   Your marriage,  according to God,  makes
            you  "like the  Lord"  to your wife (Eph.5:22,  1 Pet.3:6).

            Hebrews 4:14-16
            "Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the
            heavens,  Jesus  the Son of God,  let us hold fast our confession.
            For  we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize  with  our
            weaknesses,  but One who has been tempted in all things as we are,
            yet  without sin.   Let us therefore draw near with confidence  to
            the throne of grace,  that we may receive mercy and may find grace
            to help in time of need."

            Does  your wife have a "great high priest" in her house that  will
            give  her "mercy and grace in time of need" just as our great high
            priest,  Jesus,  does for us?  You are to be just like the Lord to
            your wife, ready to listen to her and bless her.

        2.  MINISTER  TO  HER  NEEDS VERBALLY AND LET HER MINISTER  TO  YOURS.
            Reverend Peter Openshaw of New Zealand explains,  "Do not react to
            the  poor attitudes in your mate--rather assist the mate  that  is
            emotionally down.   Minister to the needs of each other!"  He goes
            on  to write,  "Usually both partners will not be emotionally down
            at the same time.   It will be an either/or situation.   It is the
            joy and duty of the partner who is not,  at  present,  emotionally
            down to strengthen the one who is.   When one is down emotionally,
            she  (or  he)  needs help and  encouragement,  not  reaction  from
            others.   Reacting to another's poor attitudes usually strengthens
            them.   Reaction makes the person feel condemned,  and she (or he)
            tends  to  retaliate  by emphasizing his poor  attitudes,  so  the
            result  is just the opposite of what was  desired.   Understanding
            and  encouragement  tend to soothe the mate and  better  serve  to
            correct  the  attitude."  (NOTE:  "No fair" being the mate who  is
            always down!)

        3.  DON'T FORM YOUR RESPONSE UNTIL YOUR WIFE FINISHES TALKING.

            ...  DON'T EVER INTERRUPT.
            ...  DON'T EVER CONTRADICT.
            ...  DON'T ANTICIPATE THE CONCLUDING THOUGHT.

            James 1:19-20
            "...let  every man be quick to hear,  slow to speak,  and slow  to
            anger;  for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of
            God."
            Proverbs 18:13
            "He who gives an answer before he hears,  it is folly and shame to
            him."

            A  REAL ARGUMENT IS WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET IN THE  LAST
            WORD FIRST!

        4.  AVOID NEGATIVE STATEMENTS.

            Statements  like,  "DON'T LISTEN TO ME.   YOU'LL DO WHAT YOU  WANT
            ANYWAY!"  are the kind of sarcasm that turns a wife off  and  even
            helps  to make her rebellious.   Phrases like,  "I can't stand..."
            used  during a heated discussion may easily be received angrily by
            your  wife as a weakness on your part (as if you should be able to
            stand anything!).

            Angrily telling your wife,  "YOU SHOULDN'T BE..." will simply make
            her defensive.   In fact,  all negative words need to come out  of
            any  times  of disagreement.   Words like,  "DON'T!"  ..."DIDN'T!"
            ..."SHOULDN'T!"     ..."COULDN'T!"     ..."CAN'T!"     ..."NEVER!"
            ..."ALWAYS!" ...etc.

            Also   avoid  negative  predictions  like  "AT  THE  RATE   YOU'RE
            GOING...";  "IF YOU KEEP (eating,  smoking,  anything she's  doing
            that  you  don't  like)  YOU'RE GOING TO...(and  then  finish  the
            sentence  describing  a  disaster).  Remember  that Jesus  said in
            Mark  11:23  that whatever we say is what we'll get if  we  really
            believe that it is going to happen.   Your negative prediction can
            even make your listener so angry,  she'll unconsciously carry  out
            the  prediction as a form of retaliation,  even though it is self-
            destructive.

        5.  AVOID MAKING FACES.

            Remember  what  Harvard University discovered regarding a  woman's
            intuition.   Most  wives can read a facial expression from a  mile
            away or read body language in the same way.

            So AVOID:

            ... Pointing a finger at her (because she'll think you're accusing
                her).
            ... the "Will you ever learn?" expression.
            ... deeply distressed sighing and moaning.
            ... turning your head away from her.
            ... the hand to brow or looking down in disgust actions.
            ... raising your eyebrows while looking up towards the sky.
            ... shaking  your  head  in  a "no" fashion  while  your  wife  is
                speaking.
            ... pulling your hand or body away from your wife when she reaches
                out to touch you.
            ... any other facial expressions or body language that you may use
                when you're mad.

            LEARN TO ATTACK THE PROBLEM--NOT THE PERSON!   THE TEMPTER IS  THE
            MOST DANGEROUS HIGH EXPLOSIVE KNOWN TO MAN!!!

            Be sure both of you are fully rested before such times.   God says
            there  will NEVER be a time to verbally (nor any other way) attack
            your wife.   In fact, the wisest words are those a husband doesn't
            say when he's angry (except to God)!

            1 Peter 3:8-12
            "To  sum  up,  let  all  be  harmonious,  sympathetic,  brotherly,
            kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or
            insult  for insult,  but giving a blessing instead;  for you  were
            called  for the very purpose that you might inherit  a  blessing.
            For  'LET HIM WHO MEANS TO LOVE LIFE AND TO SEE GOOD DAYS  REFRAIN
            HIS  TONGUE FROM EVIL AND HIS LIPS FROM SPEAKING GUILE.   AND  LET
            HIM  TURN  AWAY  FROM EVIL AND DO GOOD;  LET HIM SPEAK  PEACE  AND
            PURSUE IT.   FOR THE EYES OF THE LORD ARE UPON THE RIGHTEOUS,  AND
            HIS  EARS  ATTEND TO THEIR PRAYER,  BUT THE FACE OF  THE  LORD  IS
            AGAINST THOSE WHO DO EVIL.'"

            A  FOOLISH  MAN TELLS A WOMAN TO STOP TALKING,  BUT A TACTFUL  MAN
            TELLS HER THAT HER MOUTH IS EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL WHEN HER LIPS  ARE
            CLOSED!!!

        6.  SAY IT AGAIN.

            After  your  wife tells you something that is obviously  important
            for  you  to  have heard re-state what she has said  in  your  own
            words.   Listen fully and then say, "O.K.  Now I think what you're
            saying  is..." (and then repeat what you think she has said.)   If
            you  didn't  get it right,  give her opportunity to tell  you  so.
            You might not have heard her right,  or she might not have told it
            well.   But  GET IT!!!   Once she knows you know what she's  said,
            she'll be able to rest easy and not keep saying the same thing.

        7.  HEAR YOUR WIFE WHETHER OR NOT YOU CAN SOLVE HER PROBLEM.

            A wife cares most that you see how things look to her.  Things may
            not  be  the  way she sees them,  but that isn't the  issue  she's
            making.   She wants you to catch her vision,  right or wrong.  Let
            your wife explain.   Let your wife complain.   Her biggest need is
            to know that you care about her feelings.   You may not be able to
            do  anything about the problem,  but your love for her  will  show
            through  to  her  IF you listen and sympathize  with  her.   DON'T
            ARGUE.   NEVER  SAY,  "DON'T  WORRY  ABOUT IT."   (Such  a  remark
            guarantees in her mind that you don't care.)  CARE!  Find out what
            she's  really saying.   Discover what she's really worried  about.
            Ask  questions when she's finished pouring out her heart  to  you.
            Be  sure  you do understand her position (1 Peter  3:7  -- "...You
            husbands,  likewise,  live  with  your wives in  an  understanding
            way...")   You  may  not be able to  be  Superman,  solving  every
            problem,  but you are to be Superhusband,  listening to and caring
            about your wife!

        8.  WRITE IT IF YOU CAN'T SAY IT.

            Someone  returning  from  an Encounter Weekend and  continuing  to
            practice  writing,  rather than saying everything to  their  mate,
            wrote:   "I liked the idea of writing things down.   I find that I
            can be much more genuine when I write things,  instead of taking a
            clue  from the person I'm talking to.   Also,  when you're in  the
            same  room,  and your partner writes a lot,  or goes fast,  you're
            intimidated by their response.  I like being able to write exactly
            what I want to, at my own pace."

            THE THING OPENED MOST OFTEN BY MISTAKE IS THE HUMAN MOUTH!!!

        9.  HOW TO END ALL ARGUMENTS.

            There are two things the Lord will allow to test a husband's  love
            for  his  wife -- her cold feet in bed and her hot temper  keeping
            him from bed!!!  When a guy is single he often lies awake thinking
            of something she said.   After marriage he may not be able to fall
            asleep  until she's finished saying things!!!   Two words can  end
            the problem -- SAY "I'M SORRY!"  EVERY LEADER NEEDS TO KEEP  THOSE
            TWO WORDS HANDY!

            When your wife understands that you see what she was saying:

            1. She knows you understand her viewpoint (you can see it from her
               side).
            2. You may still disagree after listening to her, but you've heard
               her.
            3. If  the husband disagrees with his wife,  he should consult the
               Lord and His Word for the right answer.
            4. The husband, under the Lord's Word, speaks the last word.

        MEN SHOULD CRY!

        Men have often learned not to communicate.   They're told as children,
        "Don't show your real feelings.  Big boys don't cry."  Husbands, let's
        get  over that.   The most masculine man who ever lived on this planet
        cried.   The  Bible tells us..."Jesus wept" (John  11:35).   Not  only
        should  your  wife  be free to cry before you (with  your  acceptance,
        comfort  and love),  but you should feel free to cry in front of  her,
        too.

        CARE FOR EACH OTHER -- BE SENSITIVE TO EACH OTHER'S NEEDS.

        Judith F.  Van Heukelem said in a thought-provoking article in Journal
        of Psychology And Theology,  summer '79,  "We live in a fallen  world,
        characterized by sin,  loss,  sorrow,  pain,  and distress...The human
        body  can  survive  only  limited amounts  of  stress.   God,  in  His
        providence,  has  provided various tension releases,  one of which  is
        crying.   "Scripture  rarely  condemns or disapproves  of  weeping  or
        crying...Scripture,  on  the  contrary,  treats weeping and crying  as
        normal and expected behaviour...The only instance that can be found of
        Jesus telling people not to weep are in cases where the loved one they
        were  grieving  for  had  been  raised  or  was  about  to  experience
        resurrection."

        "REJOICE WITH THOSE WHO REJOICE, AND WEEP WITH THOSE WHO WEEP"
        (Romans 12:15)

        TEMPTATIONS OF AN ANGRY HUSBAND

        The two biggest temptations the husband will face:

        1.  Withdraw his love -- violating Ephesians 5:25.
        2.  Get bitter -- violating Colossians 3:19.
            Bitterness takes two forms:
            1. Angry outbursts -- general loud bellowing!
            2. Silence (at home or purposely staying away from home.)

        (Wives are fully capable of these above things, too.)

        Silence is a deadly weapon to whoever uses it.   Pent up anger  causes
        ulcers,  high blood pressure, etc.  Don't let such poison get released
        in you.

        KEEP A GENTLE, QUIET SPIRIT

        A gentle,  quiet spirit is not fighting a war inside.   Both mates are
        to  have  gentle,  quiet spirits.   Be quiet,  but not  silent.   Dear
        friends  of  mine hung up a sign in their home  that  read,  "NO  LOUD
        SHOUTING IN THIS HOUSE!!!"  It was all the reminder they needed.
        GOD'S ROADMAP FOR LIFE

        Jesus  gives  us the power to lead our families when we give  Him  our
        will  and then follow His instructions.   Just read His directions (in
        the Bible), pray -- then DO WHAT HE SAYS.

        Men don't reject the Bible because it contradicts itself,  but because
        it contradicts them!  But when the Bible is not used as the roadmap of
        life  for you and your family then you have no standard for  absolutes
        in your home.

                               END of STUDY SEVEN