<a href="http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/stigmata.htm">Click here for the full review!</a>
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/13thwarrior.htm
September 9, 1999
Last week, one of my favorite actors, the awesomely talented Kevin Spacey, put the rumors to rest and announced he is not - I repeat, not - gay. Naturally, that single pronouncement received more media attention than all of his career achievements combined.
"Besides," added Kevin, "I hate the taste of dick."
In other news....
Now that MTV is spoofing the spoofs of The Blair Witch Project, isn't it only a matter of time before somebody spoofs their spoofing of spoofs?
High concept: A trio of film students is lost backstage at the 1999 Video Music Awards while pursuing artists who can string together five coherent words without repeating any. Hey, that's what I call myth and legend!
Switching gears....
I don't know about you, but anything inspiring hottie Patricia Arquette to do evil, I'm all for. I don't know what's gotten into her, but I'd love to keep it company, if you know what I'm saying.
"Stigmata" are bleeding wounds in the head, hands, and feet that mirror the wounds of Christ on the cross. They're accompanied by flapping doves, water dripping in reverse, slo-mo photography, and loud sound effects. And they have the nasty propensity to strike Patricia just as she's about to run into swerving traffic in a Pittsburgh so rainy the US Airways jets must paddle to their gates.
The tagline says Stigmata will "scare the hell into you." Not exactly. You don't need a Sixth Sense to see there's nothing very scary here. The Exorcist it ain't. Unless we're talking Exorcist II or III.
Stigmata is brought to you by MGM, the folks famous for two things: James Bond movies and the long gaps of downtime between James Bond movies.
"The Angel" Gabriel Byrne costars as a Catholic priest who investigates miracles such as the mystery of Patricia's marriage to Nick Cage and why Italian hookers give a "Vatican Discount" (hey, don't blame me. It's in the movie, folks).
Gabriel's just off a successful assignment where he discounted the "marionette string theory," but discovered that NBC crew members actually had to "wind up" the cast of Later Today prior to its premiere this week.
"How old are you," Gabriel asks Patricia.
"I'm 23," she replies.
23?! Are you kidding? If Gabriel's searching for miracles, he's just found one. Is Patricia counting only odd-numbered days? Is she dyslexic? Will the DVD include the rest of the line: "23...not counting the '70s"? Sounds like she needs to use the more reliable carbon dating technique.
Don't miss Jonathan Pryce as a Vatican mucky-muck in one of his few on-screen appearances since those commercials where tears of blood dripped from the headlights of an Infiniti.
Stigmata is way over-stylized, with lots of atmosphere substituting for plot. Although the pace picks up some once the trademarked "Vatican Conspiracy" is revealed and the priests start slapping each other around - now that has more ratings potential than WWF Smackdown!
Is the Catholic Church covering something up? Why will they kill to hide the so-called "missing Jesus Gospel," which seems to be an oblique reference to the Gnostic Thomas Gospel - or at least the Joseph Campbell liner notes thereof. Damn, we know our religion here at MovieJuice.com!
Oops, I mean "darn."
"I don't know what that says, but the handwriting is mine," says Patricia, quoting the rationalizing screenwriters as they entered confession booths.
In spite of it all, Stigmata ain't bad. In fact, it's got a sweet humanistic spiritual message wrapped into its broader themes of bloodletting, possession, conspiracy, and Gabriel Byrne strutting his star-stuff in a throng of scurvy Brazilian peasants.
And did I mention that Patricia Arquette is nude in the bathtub?
Now that's enough to make me speak in tongues.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
THE MOVIEJUICE MOVIE STORE IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS
Buy movies and other stuff at the MovieJuice! store!
Apologies to you AOL folks û the URL listed here was wrong last week. ItÆs fixed now, so stop by and browse.
<a href="http://www.bmvs.com/sites/mramsey1/videos/index.asp ">Click here for the NEW MovieJuice.com Store!</a>
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the bottom of the left hand side. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
********************
IF YOUR LINES AREN'T WRAPPINGà
Your browser and/or email client (why DO they call it that?) has a setting called "Wrap Long Lines." Select it!
[ To leave the movies mailing list, send the message "unsubscribe ]
[ movies" (without the quotes) to majordomo@xmission.com ]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1999 08:19:00 -0600
From: jkrudy <jkrudy@micron.com>
Subject: RE: [MV] The Astronaut's Wife
I'm pretty sure she's in Starship Troopers
- -----Original Message-----
From: Wade Snider [mailto:wds9974@hotmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, September 08, 1999 12:13 PM
To: movies@lists.xmission.com
Subject: RE: [MV] The Astronaut's Wife
I didn't think she was in Starship Troopers.... She was also in Devil's