Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - CRUEL INTENTIONS - Fast Times at Bitchmont High
Date: 07 Mar 1999 18:38:15 -0500 (EST)
CRUEL INTENTIONS - FAST TIMES AT BITCHMONT HIGH
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
March 7, 1999
So this week Prince filed suit against some web sites for posting his image, his music, and his bizarre brand icon without permission. Unfortunately for me, that means my Under the Cherry Moon retrospective is shot to Hell. That guy's gonna be a party pooper like it's 1999!
Maybe you saw Maury Povich unlock the secret of the Pharaoh's tomb on TV. The unabashed highlight came courtesy of Maury's correspondent babe sidekick who, trudging through the tomb, suddenly proclaimed: "Oh My Goodness! I'm Stepping on Bones!" Who said you couldn't desecrate the dead, earn a ratings windfall, and set back the field of archeology a hundred years all at once! Next up, an inside look at the man who put the "sin" in "synergy" as Maury checks aged Viacom and Paramount chief Sumner Redstone for a pulse! Tune in for all the sweeps-week fun!
Did you know Cruel Intentions is based on a book first published in 1782? The film was originally slated to star Sharon Stone, but it was delayed for more than a century until Edison invented the movie business and cocaine was introduced to the gold rush pioneers. According to elder teenager Dick Clark, who was court composer and sweepstakes spokesman to King Louis XIV at the time, the book "had a good beat and you could dance to it." That was the same year old Ben Franklin burped the memorable slogan "a rolling stone gathers no moss," and his Brit pub-mate Mick Jagger replied "I'll remember that!"
The original title, Les Liaisons Dangereuses, had the disadvantage of sounding really, really French. And as the world knows, unless it ends in "maid," "fries," or "kiss," French is one big "no-try zone."
What's new about the oft-told tale? It's now adapted to the world of teenagers! Here, a nasty glance cuts like a Britney Spear. These nude kids on the block have class instead of classes, and the only grades that count are the cumulative notches on Ryan Phillipe's Johnson. And it appears that Ryan's got more notches than the Post Office has P.O. boxes! Coincidentally, Ryan's Captain Anaconda and the USPS both have daily deliveries, long waiting lines, seductively slow service, peculiar automobiles, a Ten-Most-Wanted list, a fixation on slots and boxes, and the ever-present risk of a violent, exploding outburst, if you know what I mean. Ryan's a male carrier all right!
Luscious babes stand at attention like iron filings when this chick magnet passes by. "God, you're beautiful," says Ryan to a fresh-faced hottie stranger he randomly bumps into, "I'm going to take you to lunch." "Okay!" she replies, bubbling over with enthusiasm, her head bobbing just enough to reveal the metal spring connecting her head to her shoulders. Does this chick walk down stairs or slink like a Slinky?
No wonder Ryan complains he's "so sick of sleeping with these insipid Manhattan debutantes." Just in time, the ushers whipped down the aisles tossing Columbia tie-in copies of Webster's Dictionary to hapless teens scratching their heads over codewords like "insipid," as they desperately looked up the word under 'N as in 'N Sync.
Thanks to the crowded theater, I had the opportunity to sit up close, where Buffy's head loomed as big as a brunette house and her breasts hovered like the hot-air balloons they suspiciously resemble. In fact, one old man had a panic attack, claiming Buffy's bountiful boobs caused him to flashback to the Hindenburg explosion. A small price to pay to hear Buffy utter the "F" word and exercise some lesbian tongue gymnastics. Why can't Buffy say "tight, firm ass" on TV, anyway?
Buffy and Ryan are step-sister and step-brother. Just like the Brady Bunch. That is, if the Brady kids spent all their time grinding on each other's laps. Picture Alice the maid as Alice the dominatrix and the Brady dog as Jan's potential bed-partner (if he'd have her) and you've got Cruel Intentions in a nutshell. Hey girls, this is the flick to watch when your mom buys the male stripper for the slumber party!
Coming soon are teen versions of Othello and Hamlet, among others. What with all the classic drama being re-written with a 12-year-old in mind, why stop there? What about the under-12 market, Hollywood? Where's Little Boyz in the Hood? Who's hiding Message in a Baby Bottle? What about All the President's Toddlers, where Jonathan Lipnicki from Jerry Maguire is elected president and immediately legalizes "playing in the street"? What about Reservoir Puppies - featuring Mr. White, Mr. Orange, Mr. Pee in the Pants, and Mr. Poop in the Potty?
The future is tumbling down the steps and spitting up right now, Hollywood! Can't you see it?
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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GOODBYE STANLEY KUBRICK
This edition of MovieJuice! email is dedicated to the late Stanley Kubrick. I doubt we'll ever see another like him.
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DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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I just saw Shakespeare in Love last night and I think that it SHOULD win the Oscar. Am I the only one rooting for this film to win against Saving Private Ryan. I mean SPR is an excellent film but SIL totally blew me away. Excellent performances, brilliant script...if only we live in a just world.
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- The "Ben Affleck" screen title is now pasted on all movies because, say Vegas oddsmakers, chances are he's in them.
- Amy "Washington" Irving has been in grizzly-like hibernation, hidden away in a secret underground cryo-chamber during the 20 years between the Carrie 1 and 2.
- What the rest of us call marriage, Lynn Redgrave calls "a 32-year-long opportunity to have my head examined."
- Wing Commander? If I want teens in outer space I'll go straight to the source: The employees at Tower Records, where cultured indifference is high art. Asking for help in that place is like probing deep space for alien radio signals.
If you said "all of the above," you are correct!
I like Ben Affleck, and now for the first time I actually understand the secret of his mystique: Ben is Tom Hanks with a chin!
But Ben, what's with your new-movie-every-other-week work schedule? Let the camera make new friends! It's feeling trapped and lonely! Where's the rest of Screen Actors' Guild male contingent anyway, parking cars with Chris O'Donnell? Help! Nine out of ten valet parkers are cursed with Ben-is envy, a peculiar Hollywood Affleck-tion.
In Forces of Nature, Ben plays "Ben." Word has it that Ben specifically requested all of his characters to use his real name due to the difficulty of playing in a hundred movies a year and memorizing 500 pages of dialogue a day. And that doesn't include the time spent rationalizing his breakup with Gwyneth or penning special purpose pick-up dialogue like:
- "You're as beautiful as the shine on my Academy Award, and probably as smart too!"
- "Oh, you're a casting director? Have you met my brother Casey?"
- "Hi! I'm friends with Matt Damon"
- "Would you like to stroke my statuette?"
- "I'm so hot for you my Oscar needs an iced tea and a beach umbrella"
"He went from the eye of a storm into the arms of a hurricane," says the sell-line. And to the mouth of the river, to the depths of the ocean, to the bottom of the sea, to the midst of a clichΘ. In other words, Sandra Bullock is bad weather personified. And Ben wants to stroll along her sandy beach, dip his toes into her salty ocean, and bury his face in her Amazonian rainforest. Hey, don't blame me, it's Dreamworks' analogy!
To be sure, Forces of Nature is a frothy confection. But as froth goes, this is one cool whip! It's a lot funnier than most of the stuff that passes for comedy nowadays, despite the fact that the chain of road-trip events laid out here is about as likely as my hands reaching out from the computer screen right now, grabbing your head, and banging it repeatedly into the monitor.
Scared you a little, didn't I?
The trouble starts when a very stupid bird cruises straight into the plane engine as Ben and Sandy speed down the runway. Suddenly, our heroes enter a dream world where raindrops move in digitally enhanced slo-mo because fancy workstations just can't resist screwing with even a simple romantic comedy. When will you people learn, because you can doesn't mean you should!
Sandy Bullock is terrific, despite some overzealous faux-hipster eye makeup reminiscent of early Fairuza Balk or a Halloween Jack-o-lantern. "I'm ready for a candle in my head, Mr. DeMille."
Ladies, you'll especially enjoy the already famous Ben Affleck stripping scene. But don't drop any valuables on his chest - you might as well toss "The Heart of the Ocean" into the North Atlantic. That's one bushy Bermuda Triangle! Hey, Austin Affleck, do you use soap or just steam-clean once a year? They've found Bigfoot and he's at a Cineplex near you! Get a plaster cast of his footprint - quick!
The real road in Forces of Nature is from "marriage as evil" to "marriage as beautiful." A message unheard back in Hollywood, where marriages would probably work better if they included points on the gross, were negotiated by ICM, and scripted by Robert Rodat. That damn "freedom to choose" will get you every time.
Especially if, as in Lynn Redgrave's case, your hubby is free to choose knocking up the young chippee who later marries his own son. Man! This guy's testicles should be chloroformed in a glass jar at Johns Hopkins with a 24-hour guard, right next to the jar containing his brain.
As if there's a difference.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
SEE THE STAR WARS PARODY TRAILER!
It's our tribute to the folks at Lucasfilm and the phenomenon of Star Wars. See it NOW at http://www.moviejuice.com. And spread the word!
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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In this special pre-Oscar edition of MovieJuice! check out the Oscar awards wish-list. But first, we channel-change all over EDtv.
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EDtv - DEAD ED
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
March 14, 1999
EDtv? Where's the talking horse? Where the Hell's the talking horse?
"I got a dream," says Matt McConaughey in EDtv, "I just don't know what it is yet." Well, Martin Luther King, he ain't. And that makes him perfect for his own 24-hour-a-day TV show! If this theme sounds familiar, I'm sure it's just a coincidence!
Ellen DeGeneres is the TV exec with the brilliant idea for "all Ed all the time." She has a passion for boobs on the tube. No, I don't mean "Skinemax," I mean Matt McConaughey!
In fact, George Plimpton calls Ed's show "a joyous celebration of boobery," much like a writer playing football with the Detroit Lions. Except no writer would ever be that much of a boob.
Says Ellen's boss, Rob Reiner, "She's gonna be strapped to a scud missile if this idea doesn't work." Sorry to break the news, Rob, but something tells me Ellen's been strapping on scuds for years. And judging by the company she keeps, her aim is true!
Ellen sports an unending stream of bedroom appliances. No, I'm not thinking what you're thinking. I'm talking about face mud, masks, bathing caps. It's either supposed to improve her looks or offer up a cheap laugh. Unfortunately, Ellen, to erase lines that size you're gonna need a digital workstation and shitloads of RAM or maybe a chisel and a good solid hammer. My advice: More clinic, less Clinique. Skip Retin-A, go straight to Retin-Z or, if possible, Retin-to-sender.
So folks start tuning in all the time to watch Matt. In theory it makes sense. Matt loves to watch himself, why wouldn't we? What's so new about long stretches of nothing happening? Charles Grodin's been doing it for years. It's like The Thin Red Line as a weekly series.
EDtv is brought to you by the same Ron Howard hit machine that produced flicks like Parenthood, Splash, and Night Shift, the movie that made Shelley Long the star she is today. Here is a film that answers the burning question, "What are the writers of Laverne and Shirley doing now?" Plus, it's from Universal, where the motto is:
"If it worked before,
it'll work for sure!
It'd better work or
they'll show us the door!"
and the alternate motto is:
"a hundred years of movies and pretty much nothing to show for it"
I don't know about you, but I'll take any opportunity to sponge up the work of alternate universe stud-muffin and gifted actor (oh, and Ron's brother) Clint Howard. Here, Clint's romantically entangled with his hair-plugs which misbehave like dozens of tiny tarantulas crawling over his scalp, simulating a stiff breeze. Clint should have chosen brother Ron's route: Wear a hat. Nowadays, any guy in a hat might as well build a huge McDonald's-style Golden Arch of Thinning Hair over his head: "Over 100 Billion Lost."
Seeing Clint on the big screen tells you one of three things:
1. This is a Ron Howard Movie
2. Somebody owes Ron Howard a big favor
3. It's time for a sequel to Carnosaur
Half the cast is in this movie just to watch TV, and damn if they don't pull that off! Of special note is the wonderful Jenna Elfman. She hates being in boyfriend Matt's spotlight; all that nasty, intrusive celebrity stuff. "I don't want to be on TV any more!" shrieks Jenna. That from a woman who, in real life, devours celebrity the way tomatoes eat Miracle Gro. Just say the words "awards show" and Jenna will be ringing your doorbell in a gown by Vera and jewels borrowed from Harry. Try it. Right now.
See?
I'd like to tell you all about Liz Hurley, but her first appearance came after the film literally burned up in the projection room. Jeez, that blank white screen sure lasts for a long time! Is this part of the movie? I thought The Ice Storm was already on video?
Up popped Ron Howard in the nick of time. With all the gusto of Indiana Jones, Director Ron grabbed a hanging vine and, swinging like a starlet from a producer's arm, lunged through that mysterious little opening in the back of the theater. In a flash Ron unspooled some trusty duct tape to repair the picture. Unfortunately, film ashes don't mend.
The result, sadly, was featurus interruptus. But not before my mind was made up. Who needs to see the whole movie to make up your mind? Isn't that why God and David O. Selznick invented the trailer? You don't think the Academy members sit through all those foreign films before bestowing awards, do you? Too much title-reading. Generally, Academy members don't like to read unless they or the concept are high.
Finally, I'm proud to say this is the only review of EDtv you'll ever read which doesn't make reference to the vastly superior The Truman Show (Oh, crap. I spoiled it).
Been there, dumb, that. This sure ain't my idea of Good Ed.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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MOVIEJUICE'S OSCAR WISH-LIST
As Larry King would say, here's my 2 cents:
- Best Picture: Saving Private Ryan (Shakespeare's a great movie, but it's a writer's movie; Ryan, meanwhile, packs the wallop of an emotional artillery shell). On Monday, they'll all say this was a no-brainer.
- Best Director: Steven Spielberg (no if's, and's or but's)
- Best Actress: Cate Blanchett (but I guarantee you Gwyneth's acceptance speech would be more fun to watch. Gwyn is the Grace Kelly of 1999)
- Best Actor: Although I'm partial to Ian McKellen, I double-guarantee you Roberto Benigni's acceptance speech would be A LOT more fun to watch; if he wins I won't be one bit disappointed
- Best Supporting Actress: Judi Dench (Only a few lines, but my what lines)
- Best Supporting Actor: Billy Bob Thornton (a miraculous chameleon)
- Foreign Language Film: Life is Beautiful (if you haven't seen this yet, see it NOW)
- Screenplay-Adaptation: Gods and Monsters (unlikely to win, but deserves an honor)
- Screenplay-Original: Shakespeare in Love (an absolute lock)
- Best Blacklister: Elia Kazan
********************
SEE THE STAR WARS PARODY TRAILER!
It's our tribute to the folks at Lucasfilm and the phenomenon of Star Wars. See it NOW at http://www.moviejuice.com. And spread the word!
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
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Another Oscar« comes and goes. Another chance for Center Square to host Hollywood's biggest night. Yep, if Whoopi pushed any more envelopes she'd need tube socks and a passport office.
Whoopi, who toasted stale political yuck-yucks like rock-hard marshmallows over a campfire, seemed intent on turning the evening into Comic Relief with fancy duds and an A-list audience. Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with being funny, but it seemed to me that Whoopi was more interested in being outrageous than funny. Outrageous gets old fast. And the Oscars« are anything but fast.
And where would the Oscars« be without a pre-show by jewelry pitch-woman and self-appointed style-maven Joan Rivers, who neglected to ask James Coburn "Whose teeth are you wearing?"
Joan also intercepted songstress-in-white Celine Dion. In her mob-style hat and (I kid you not) backwards mens jacket, Celine looked like a saintly Edward G. Robinson - if Ed dressed in the dark, that is. Celine, this ain't the Raymond Chandler Pavilion, babe! Is Peter Lorre in the car with the goons and the dames?
Another Academy Awards«. Another chance for Black folks to hand out awards to White folks. Another opportunity to hear "Hooray for Hollywood" (a favorite of Ziegfeld girls everywhere) and to endure endless retrospective clips of B&W movies reminding us why we skip past the AMC channel on our way to MTV.
Another chance for LaLa Land to pimp new product by teaming Out of Towners co-stars Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn to present (they even walked the reception line together outside the theater. Coincidence? I think not!)
A chance...
- To see Harrison Ford looking more and more like a fuddy-duddy mad-haired Albert Einstein.
- To see Anne Heche's microphone go off-line during, of all things, the Science and Technology awards.
- To hear Uma Thurman's strange new British accent (was she influenced by the large number of Her Majesty's nominees?)
- To see the Debbie Allen-choreographed "Interpretive Dance" of the Saving Private Ryan score (that's what that movie needed, more dancing!).
- To see a very pissed-looking Helen Hunt who, evidently, has much to be unhappy about. Lighten up, Helen! This is supposed to be fun!
- To see a good old-fashioned Aerosmith smoke-and-fire show, including that thrilling moment when Steven Spielberg held his lighter aloft and Elia Kazan shouted "Give Peace a Chance!" By some miracle, Steven's lighter didn't ignite James Coburn's breath, although the LA Fire Department did have to spray Jim down to minimize the hazard.
But it ain't all bad.
Oscar« reminds us why we love Jim Carrey, whose faux tears over his non-nomination were hilarious in an understated way foreign to host Whoopi.
It reminds us to brace ourselves and carry Kleenex before we award the lovely and talented Gwyneth Paltrow.
It reminds us that as long as Roberto Benigni lives, life really will be beautiful (If you ask me, more winners should wish to "lie down in the firmament, making love to everybody").
It reminds us that while commerce matters most in Hollywood, it matters least on Oscar« night. Fashion aside, this is the one night where it really is about the work. Where we can celebrate art for its own sake, grosses be damned. Where we can congratulate entertainment's best for uplifting us, for thrilling us, for showing us a piece of ourselves, for - as Miramax's Harvey Weinstein put it - a reflection of life, art, and magic.
In his recent appearance In the Actors Studio, Best Director winner Spielberg was asked by host Jim Lipton what he would expect God to say on the day he reaches those pearly gates.
"Thanks for listening," answered Spielberg.
Thanks, indeed.
The winners:
Best Picture - Shakespeare in Love
Best Director - Steven Spielberg, Saving Private Ryan
Best Actress - Gwyneth Paltrow, Shakespeare in Love
Best Actor - Roberto Benigni, Life is Beautiful
Best Supporting Actress - Judi Dench, Shakespeare in Love
Best Supporting Actor - James Coburn, Affliction
Best Original Screenplay - Shakespeare in Love
Best Screenplay Adaptation - Gods and Monsters
(Oscar« and Academy Awards« are registered trademarks of A.M.P.A.S.)
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
SEE THE STAR WARS PARODY TRAILER!
It's our tribute to the folks at Lucasfilm and the phenomenon of Star Wars. See it NOW at http://www.moviejuice.com. And spread the word!
********************
INDIE ALERT - COOL CRIME
If you live in the LA area, check out Cool Crime, a dark comedy by Jerome Cohen Olivar. It's playing at Laemmle's Grande in Downtown LA and at UA Warner Center in Woodland Hills.
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DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
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I need some help with an extract from The Usual Suspects.
Towards the end of the movie, when Kujan pushes Verbal Kint while questioning him about Keaton's demise, does Kint AT ANY POINT say "I did it. I killed Keaton"? I have watched that movie so many times and I can clearly hear him say "I did - I did see Keaton get killed". In an interview Bryan Singer stated that he (Kint) admitted killing Keaton. Where in the movie does he say this?!
Have any of you read the original script of The Usual Suspects? If it is available on the Net, please send me the URL.
Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - ADVANCE - 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU plus CAA HOME PAGE?
Date: 28 Mar 1999 16:10:45 -0500 (EST)
THE NEW CAA WEB PAGE?
What? CAA has a web page? At least it LOOKS like CAA's web page. This week MovieJuice! brings you a special insider treat, and even I think it's funny. Don't miss the "Agent-Cam." Find it at:
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/caa.htm
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10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU - SHREW BLEW
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
March 28, 1999
Hollywood is in love with Shakespeare.
No, not William Shakespeare, I mean Willy's hipster street cousin, "Shakes-Master P," creator of 10 Things I Hate About You, a.k.a. The Taming of the Shrew II. Hey, even if you know the tale, It's Shrew to You.
As I nestled into my seat, Shakes-Master P was just a few rows away, and the frolicking comedie commenced. It wasn't long before his head was bruised with the tell-tale marks of a hundred wall bangings.
10 Things, you see, is set in modern day High School, where indecipherable Olde English has been replaced by indecipherable pseudo-intellectual poseur smart-babble. Who script-doctored this thing, William F. Buckley, Jr.? Somewhere, Godzilla-master Dean Devlin is scratching his head in a befuddled stew, a big question mark in a bubble floating over his head.
This lingo is a major stretch. When one young hottie references her "stunning digestive pyrotechnics," a voice behind me said "What?" Welcome to "Einstein's Creek," gang, where the thesaurus is on steroids and all the kids are implanted with Pentium III's. These are the Bill Gates of Hell!
What's more this cast is so anonymous they should advertise this flick on milk cartons. Not to say the talent sucks here, but the only way these kids are gonna see an Oscar ceremony is if they learn to count ballots. Of course, there's always the sugar daddy route. Unfortunately, they're already too old to costar with Clint Eastwood, so that option's out.
"I'm busy enjoying my adolescence," said Anonymous Girl #1, with a line that could only be written by someone who hasn't seen adolescence in many a blue moon and spent most of it thumbing to Euro hostels, scraping goat dung off her combat boots, and tinting her hair to just the right shade of blue.
Star Katarina is pissed and loving it. She's one Desde-moana and groana. Is this "Daria, the Movie" or "I was a Teenaged Janeane Garofalo"?
The problem, you see, is that Bianca's dad won't let her date unless her bitter sister Katarina does too, and Katarina hates dating because it illustrates "the oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our attention," or some shit like that. Now this plot device may have made some sense back in Shakes-master P's time, but today this is mighty flimsy stuff.
The boys, Cameron and his nerdy buddy, come off like the hellish spawn of Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza. They even go to a Lowenstein party! Jerry hasn't been to one of those in a while, I'm guessing.
The high point is the detention scene. I always said that boobs were in detention. How right I was! When Katarina flashes her noteworthy nodules to spring her boyfriend, Liam Neeson, Jr., out of detention, am I the only one who noticed that signal also caused several United Airlines flights to vector madly? Take a lesson girls, breasts evoke action. You have the power!
Like the superior She's All That, this flick culminates in a dance fever with music by what looks like the Patty Duke and Gwen Stefani band. I didn't know those babes were working together now!
On the plus side, you may enjoy this flick if your age starts with a "1" as long as your IQ does too. And this is the best movie I've ever seen with an actor named "Chill." Who says I'm not fly for a white guy?
I'm glad everyone's adapting Shakes-Master P to the demographically appealing, rights-fees-gratis, dirt-cheap-casting world of teenagers. While you're at it, Hollywood suits, have you guys considered:
- McBETH - Through deceit and treachery, 16-year-old Beth rises quickly through the McDonald's managerial food-chain. Meanwhile, her hip Black friend "Lady" silences insistent "have it my way" patrons with a hot apple pie to the throat. Will Birnam Wood come to Dunsinane, or will it just drive-thru? This is dunce inane!
- HAMLET - The story of a tiny talking pig, "Hamlet," who broods in the mud and talks to ghosts. Hamlet's owner, played by Fernanda Montenegro, describes the melancholy swine as "thin, pure, virginal - they don't have much of this type of actress in American cinema." Music by Randy Newman. Vocals by a guy who used to look like Peter Gabriel.
Coming too soon to a theater near you, Daddy-O. Rest assured.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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TV MUST-SEE: FUTURAMA
Don't miss the debut of FUTURAMA tonight on FOX. Creator Matt Groening is the patron saint of MovieJuice if ever there was one!
********************
SEE THE STAR WARS PARODY TRAILER!
It's our tribute to the folks at Lucasfilm and the phenomenon of Star Wars. See it NOW at http://www.moviejuice.com. And spread the word!
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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