Subject: [MV] MovieJuice - ADVANCE - GO - Sinny City Bang Bang
Date: 04 Apr 1999 17:39:06 -0400 (EDT)
GO - SINNY CITY BANG BANG
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
April 4, 1999
What's all this fuss about the Melissa Virus? And how'd my TV get it! It must have been that E! Academy Awards pre-show!
Most likely, it was accompanied by the Todd Newton virus (a superficial, but annoying, affliction), distant cousin to the Bob Goen virus, which contains a macro that secretes enough hairspray to be certified both water-proof and earthquake-resistant. Bob's hair color is locked in with so much data encryption, you couldn't break it with a hammer and chisel.
The Goen virus is identified by an impossibly handsome face molded like a hollow white chocolate Easter Bunny. Originated by Wayne Newton, that face is a Trojan Horse for dozens of viral-white attack teeth, spewing forth infectious celebrity tidbits in all directions. Watch your back! Here comes a Goen attack tooth! Don't look into the light!
Now, it turns out, the Goen virus has truncated into the Go virus. And, earnestly plaintive though the title may be, Go is a sickness worth catching!
Ronna's a supermarket checkout chick, and she knows how to score. How to score X, that is. And here all these years I've been going to the supermarket just to score milk! Hey Ronna, is the salad bar priced by-the-hit? So a "line" is a good thing?
Ronna's an exception to the rule that says "paper or plastic" are needed not only for groceries but also to cover the checker's head. For a minimum wage service worker, she's the max!
In stroll Jay "Bob Sugar" Mohr and Scott "Party of Five" Wolf. It's unnerving to see Scott on the big screen. He's one hair extension away from the Miss America pageant; one eyeliner away from La Cage Aux Folles; one operation and up to two testicles away from Playmate of the Year; one good outfit away from RuPaul. Any more brow-plucking and Scott's a dead ringer for Marlene Dietrich.
Jay and Scott enjoy an awkward Christmas dinner with a cop who sputters great lines like "Feel the abs on this one. Wow, you could scrub laundry on these." Is he gay or just really weird? Answer: Even weirder than you think.
Meanwhile, Ronna's pals are off to Vegas for an adventure in free buffets, gambling, strippers, and risky sex because that's what Vegas is for, circuses and pharaohs aside.
This flick's directed by the guy who did Swingers which, of course, is a modern classic destined to join the other "modern classics" on TNT (in between showings of Jaws, that is). This guy must have a thing for Vegas road-trips, but I'm not complaining.
Go was scripted by the rockin' John August, who's not gonna be mentioned anywhere else even though he wrote the damned thing. Way to Go, John.
Go is a wild yarn where the straight kids get even with guns, and the gay ones get even with scissors - after all, there's no superficial wound like a bad hair day.
Evidently, "Go" is also a euphemism for "orgasm," so beware when someone says to you: "Thanks to Charlize Theron in the new Playboy, I have to Go now" or, more ominously, "that new co-host with Roger Ebert really makes me want to Go."
If you've ever fantasized about playing the supermarket scanner like a piano or grooving to the seafood aisle Macarena, then you have to Go. Little did we know that behind the shelves at the supermarket is a hidden world with its own rules and culture - kinda like Lost Horizon, but with express lines and a deli.
If you've ever suspected that a cat can read your thoughts (with subtitles, yet), then by all means Go. If you appreciate any movie that reveals the fundamental ridiculousness of a rave scene where the cool kids are suckers who trip on chewable aspirin, then Go baby Go.
If you're suffering cinematic malnourishment and teen-iocrity overkill and have a hankering for clever dialogue, suspenseful twistings and turnings, and a sparklin' good story with surprises galore, then Go with all due haste.
Long story short: Go is a quick-witted rocket-ride of zip-zappy zing.
Okay, between you and me, I don't know what that means. In fact, it's totally ridiculous. But I'm hoping Sony plugs it into their Go ads because the idea of confused Mr. Couch-Potato Heads exploding in front of TV's all over America really makes me wanna Go.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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THE NEW CAA WEB PAGE - MUST SEE
Okay, this is the last time I'm gonna tell you. Check out the CAA web page and see how far things have come since the Ovitz days. And don't miss the "Agent-Cam."
At least I think it's the CAA page!
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/caa.htm
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - THE MATRIX - Neo-Classic!
Date: 10 Apr 1999 18:42:09 -0400 (EDT)
THE MATRIX - NEO-CLASSIC!
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
April 10, 1999
Dudes, The Matrix is a most excellent adventure, utterly lacking in bogus-ity!
Why oh why do so many critics hate this flick? Is it the absence of a Shakespeare writing credit (Olde Will's writing was strong, but his Kung Fu was notoriously weak)? Is it because there's no role for cinema darling Christina Ricci? Or are the critics just way smarter than me?
Well, let's call that last one a given.
Hey, maybe the gang at Tavern on the Green loves obscuro-flicks like Lovers of the Arctic Circle, but down here at Tavern on the Puke-Soaked Street-Corner The Matrix rocks like a hurricane!
Here's the scenario: It's the future, only we think it's the present. And the beautiful world we live in is a dream. It's just "the Matrix" pulled over our eyes to blind us from the ugly truth of the real world, just like Disneyland, but without the stroller rentals. "Bonjour, churls! Welcome to Epcot's French-land. Care for a Crescent Roll?"
In the future a phone booth is used for transportation rather than its current use: breeding smelly, infectious germs and getting them as close to your mouth as possible. Why are the phone books always missing? They've either been deboned by the terminally lost or zapped into the Matrix!
"Fashion forward" is much simplified two-hundred years hence. Everyone wears black and uses Nokia phones. Lesson: San Francisco will conquer the world!
Speaking of couture noir, sweet thang Carrie-Anne Moss is not exactly dressed for comfort. She's half Catwoman, half Domi-Matrix. Clad in sexy, tight, leather battle-gear, this chick will bang you to death (one way or another). This is more woman than Keanu will ever have, and you can take that any way you like. At the top of my Matrix-sequel wish list: A Carrie-Anne Battle Thong. Let's hope the action figures are life-size!
Sam Jackson plays "Laurence Fishburne," the "Shaft"-alike leader of the anti-Matrixulators. "The Matrix," says Sam, "is a scheme to change people into Duracell Batteries." I'm serious! Talk about premium product placement! Fortunately nobody needs a charge of alkaline energy like the listless Keanu "Chan," who fights like a fiery demon but acts like a flickering match. Keanu sucks up screen energy like an emotional dust-vac, albeit a well-toned one with a nice fresh bag. "Ever have that feeling you're not still awake but still dreaming?" Sam asks Keanu. Yup, whenever Keanu delivers a line.
But hey, if movies like The Matrix required "acting" then we'd all be using the phrase: "Oscar-winner Dolph Lundgren."
Keanu's arch-nemesis is a Robo-Secret Service man whose pokey drawl luxuriates over each syllable like every word is taking time out for a bubble bath. Close your eyes and you'll think John Huston just overdosed on valium. What's with the Mr. Spock-speak? During his long soliloquies - say, one or two sentences - I was mightily distracted by his lunar surfaced teeth. Is there a face on that surface? Do those pocks have pocks? How does your Nokia signal evade those behemoth bicuspids?
In this flick everybody's Kung-Fu fighting! Lifting a page from the legendary film critic of the Los Angeles Times, "Joe Bob" Turan, there's:
- "Drew-fu" as The Matrix kick's butt all over Never Been Kissed, even in its second weekend.
- "Pity-the-fu" as Keanu misses all of Carrie's animal attraction cues. Dude, this chick wants you!
- "Fishburne-fu" as Sam plays Obi-Wan to Keanu's Tai fighting
- "Fu-for-thought" as Sam tries in vain to explain the Matrix in a way Warner Bros. executives can understand
- "Fru-Fru Fu," code-name for the demands Gwyneth Paltrow places on her boyfriends
In The Matrix, artificial intelligence has spawned a race of machines that grow humans in humungous fields. Could this explain Adam Sandler's corn-bred fan base? If this mod agriculture is really possible, then couldn't the makers of EDtv have grown their audience instead of luring folks at the door with drawings for cash prizes and free Leno tickets?
Personally, I find it creepy: The idea that we're all machine-controlled pawns living out dreamlike existences. A superficial fantasy where we slavishly follow the rules of the toys that we made. This must be what a career in Sales is like!
The Matrix is an imaginative treat. And the mind-blowing visual effects actually enhance the story; imagine that!
As for Keanu, he may be light on acting chops but his karate chops are second to none!
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
THE NEW CAA WEB PAGE - MUST SEE
Okay, this is the last time I'm gonna tell you. Check out the CAA web page and see how far things have come since the Ovitz days. And don't miss the "Agent-Cam."
At least I think it's the CAA page!
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/caa.htm
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - LIFE - Crimes and MisdeMurphy
Date: 17 Apr 1999 17:04:29 -0400 (EDT)
LIFE - CRIMES AND MISDEMURPHY
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
April 17, 1999
True story: Eddie Murphy's wrapping The Nutty Professor, so he dreams up a new project and takes the notion to producer Brian Grazer. As Grazer tells it, "Eddie came to me and said, 'Life,' just a simple word. And I said, "We'll help. We'll get a writer."
Duh.
To translate for those outside the movieland scene, Eddie said, "Brian, I'm going to pick a word at random from that Random House Dictionary, the one where they mix up all the houses. It could be any word - except 'transvestite.' It won't be that word! I don't pick up that word, I just give it an occasional ride! So I'll pick the word and I want you to make me a star vehicle full of dialogue and shit. Make it about something, and what not. Where there's no dialogue, we'll just mumble."
To which Brian replied, "I may be white as Casper the Ghost, but I'm still a bad-ass motherfucker, Eddie! Know what I'm sayin'? I'm down wit dat! All the best movies have words. Damn! I'm just glad your word's not "Onomatopoeia" or "Triskadekaphobia" or some shit like that."
Life begins in the '30s, an era before stars began freaking out and incoherently wandering through heavy traffic on Ventura Boulevard, waving a gun, and screaming obscenities at cars. Before "dehydration, overwork, and exhaustion" became available by the pint or the gel-cap. Whatever happened to those good old days of studio-financed abortions and sham marriages?
Here's the scene: Eddie and Marty are in the clink for life for a crime they didn't commit. The world around them changes. Even Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman come and go. Yes, check the currency exchange ratio, it's time to redeem your shawshanks. Redeem your Shawshanks now! Couldn't somebody have script-doctored some DNA testing into this flick and saved us all some time? Give us free!
All those years they're locked up in Mississippi. I can say what I want about Mississippi, of course, because the Internet missed the memo on Mississippi just as the telephone did a hundred years earlier. Mississippi is the Bermuda Triangle of Teeth! It's the only state with street signs cautioning "In-Bred Pedestrian Crossing." In fact, shoes were introduced only in 1993. Unfortunately "footwear" constituted a new species, thus upsetting the delicate ecological balance and instantly qualifying for endangered status.
In addition to Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence, this flick stars Obba BabatundΘ, cousin of hair-care magnate Jojoba BabatundΘ, making actor Obba the family's Babablack sheep.
I was surprised to see makeup wizard Rick Baker in the credits. What is this, The American Werewolf Goes Up The River? Then I realized our heroes age 60 years in the space of two hours, thus requiring lots of fine but extraordinarily distracting makeup and the strange feeling that you're watching Roots with pie jokes.
In fact, after the makeup "Old Eddie" is a dead ringer for Bill Cosby, meaning Life is as close to Ghost Dad II as I ever hope to get.
As usual, Eddie's better than his material. The more distance I get from Life, the more distance I wish I had. Unfortunately, escape was impossible. Warning: See Life and you'll need the Governor to commute your sentence. Save your shawshanks to redeem another day.
And save me a Life-boat.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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MOVIEJUICE! NEWS
1. Check out the big new site redesign. Finally it looks almost like a professional did it. http://www.moviejuice.com
2. MovieJuice! is on vacation next week. Look for the next issue on May 2.
3. Commercial haters: MovieJuice! is, for now at least, commercial free! How do I feel about doing without banner ads? A lot better than I feel about trading away free promotional banners and few and far between poorly sold paid slots at $5 CPM, that's for sure. No wonder there's "ex" in "exploit." So for the time being, no ads. I will not trade for pennies the enlargement of the soul.
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
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prosperity and stability" and "this one part where this ship is
underwater and this sea-monster thing tries to eat it," Bill
Clinton became the first U.S. president to take a leave of absence Tuesday, temporarily stepping down to wait in line for the May 19 opening of Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace.
"My fellow Americans, like so many of you, I am extremely eager to
see the next chapter in the greatest movie series in the history of
mankind," Clinton, sporting a limited-edition IG-88 tie clip, said during a
White House press conference. "And, as president of the nation that has
produced these movies, I am fully committed to being at that very first
showing, even if it means missing almost four weeks of work."
Added Clinton: "There are these droids in Phantom Menace that look
like giant orbs, but then they unfold like Transformers and fight. And
Darth Maul has this light saber that's double-bladed. It's going to be so
incredible."
Clinton began waiting in line with "Joe," a friend who owns The
Sarlacc Pit, a comic-book store in downtown D.C.
"Joe is the only person who can beat me at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit.
He knows the English lyrics to 'Lapti Nek.' He was also the one who told me
that Uncle Owen is really Obi-Wan's brother, which came as quite a
surprise, because, like most people, I had always assumed that Owen was
Anakin's brother. I did, however, inform Joe that Bruce Boa, the actor who
played General Rieekan, also played the guy on Fawlty Towers who wanted the
Waldorf salad. Joe did not know that."
Clinton arrived at the theater at 11:38 a.m. Tuesday, becoming the
17th person in line. But by 2 p.m., he had maneuvered his way to sixth by
winning a series of Star Wars Collectible Card Game tournaments and trivia
challenges.
"This one guy tried to beat me by asking Hammerhead's real name. Can
you believe it? As if I'd never read Tales From The Mos Eisley Cantina,
even if I wasn't into the role-playing game. I knew he was a rube when he
asked that, so I went in for the kill by asking him the name of the Rodian
in the Star Wars Holiday Special."
"Of course," Clinton continued, "Hammerhead is Momaw Nadon, and the
Rodian was Ludlo." The president then excused himself to join a group
sing-along of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Yoda."
Despite being confined to one spot for the next month, Clinton said
he expects to have plenty of activities to pass the time. "Joe and I are
trying to organize a thing where we divide up parts and re-enact all the
movies, except we both want to be Han. I think I should get to be Han
because I am the leader of the free world, but if that becomes a
deal-breaker, I would likely be willing to compromise."
Presidential aides have also been instructed to supply Clinton with
magazine articles concerning Episode I as they become available, as well as
deliver, immediately upon publication, the final installment of the
four-issue Dark Horse Comics miniseries Boba Fett: Enemy Of The Empire.
"Issue three ended just as Fett and Vader were about to start
fighting," Clinton said. "They both want this alien head in a box that can
tell the future, and the moment Fett finally gets it, Vader appears.
Obviously, it's not going to be a fight to the death, because the whole
story takes place prior to the trilogy, but it's still sure to be a great
fight."
Clinton said he hopes to see Phantom Menace
at least 20 times between May 19 and May 23, then
return to office on the 24th, when he will scale
back to once-a-day screenings. The president also
noted that during his extended absence from the
White House, he will be available in the event of
an emergency.
"Should a major crisis arise, whether
regarding the situation in Kosovo or anywhere else, I can be reached at my
place in line by cell phone," Clinton said. "But I have urged my advisors
only to contact me if absolutely necessary. I would also urge Serbian
president Slobodan Milosevic to follow the example of the Jedi Knights and
use his powers only for knowledge and defense, never for attack."
Added Clinton: "Wars not make one great."
Clinton, a die-hard Star Wars fan ever since the 1977 release of the
original, has rarely disrupted his official duties for Star Wars-related
activities. Notable exceptions include a May 1983 hiatus from the Arkansas
governorship to see Return Of The Jedi on its opening day and a 1995 trip
to an Arlington, VA, Star Wars convention to obtain the autographs of
actors Anthony Daniels, Jeremy Bulloch and Femi Taylor, as well as Jedi
Academy trilogy author Kevin J. Anderson.
Clinton is also believed to have the largest collection of Star Wars
merchandise in the entire executive branch.
"I have the Death Star Space Station minus one of the cardboard
inserts and a piece of the bridge. The spring-loaded part that makes the
gun pop up doesn't work very well, but it's still awesome," Clinton told
Larry King in a 1997 interview. "I also have almost every action figure,
except a few rare ones like Blue Snaggletooth and Yak Face."
Clinton went on to tell King that the infamous "missile-firing Boba
Fett" action figure, rumored to have been produced in small quantities by
Kenner, never actually reached the consumer, and that the only such Fetts
available are ones made by collectors.
Despite the popularity of Clinton's hiatus within the nation's
science-fiction/fantasy community, Republican leaders have roundly
denounced the move.
"Clinton was given the trust of a nation and, once again, he has
abused that trust, abandoning his post during a time of war. There are more
important things for him to be worrying about at this juncture than such
trivial concerns," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) said. "Besides, I hate that
stupid Jar-Jar. He totally sounds like Elmo."
Specter then sneered in a high-pitched voice, "Oooh, people gonna
die?"
Clinton responded swiftly to Specter's criticisms.
"I would urge all Americans to withhold judgment on the Jar-Jar issue
until they have seen the film. After all, Yoda talked like Grover, and he
is one of the great characters in the Star Wars pantheon," Clinton said.
"As long as Phantom Menace doesn't have those stupid teddy bears in it, I
don't care."
"I've been waiting 16 years for this movie, and now it's almost
here," Clinton said. "I can't believe it. I'm so excited, I feel like I
could make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."
[The Onion * 21 April 1999]
⌐ Copyright 1999 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
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