ftp.xmission.com/2014.06.ftp.xmission.com.tar/ftp.xmission.com/pub/lists/buffyfic/archive/v03.n026

Internet Message Format | 1999-01-19 | 34KB

From: [e-mail] (buffyfic-digest)
To: [e-mail]
Subject: buffyfic-digest V3 #26
Reply-To: $SENDER
Sender: [e-mail]
Errors-To: [e-mail]
Precedence: bulk


buffyfic-digest      Wednesday, January 20 1999      Volume 03 : Number 026



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (15/18)
       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (16/18)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 15:47:36 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (15/18)

Title: Best Intentions
Author: Andrea
e-mail: [e-mail]
disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine.
spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two.
distribution: Sure, just let me know.
summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as
Christine's amazing story, 'The Wildest Times in the World' although
technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven't read
it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything.
Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for
helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. And there's
still more I could thank you for. :)


January 21, 2007

Cordelia found herself giggling helplessly at a remark Buffy made, as
they made their way into the Bronze. She shook her head slightly as she
waited for Buffy's latest commentary on her Mother and her Watcher
falling in love to finish. She grinned to herself again, it really was
funny, although Buffy sometimes still didn't see it quite that way.
Forcing a serious expression onto her face she looked at the newly
retired Slayer, nodding her head as the other girl spoke.

"I mean, I love Giles. I really do, but to come downstairs in the
morning, all bleary-eyed and confused only to find  your Watcher making
eggs in your kitchen is just weird." Buffy stated her case with
conviction, shaking her head at the absurdity of it all. "And that is
saying a lot."

Cordelia snickered, feeling more like seventeen than twenty seven as she
looped her arm over Buffy's shoulder. "I think it's cute."

"It is cute." Buffy muttered, giving in and laughing with Cordelia.
"That's what's so icky about it. They are just way too cute."

They made their way into the Bronze, their eyes searching for the
others. Buffy saw them first, pulling Cordelia towards them. Jostling
their way through the crowd, they finally reached their table, sitting
breathlessly down beside Oz and Joyce.

Cordelia ducked her head as she said hello, afraid if she looked at
Buffy's mother she would start giggling again. Turning to Oz, she
questioned him. "Why didn't we rent the entire Bronze? I mean, you're
loaded."

"Atmosphere." Came the answer, Xander's voice sending chills down her
spine as he sat down at the table. "So, where's the rest of the gang?"

"They're getting Sonja settled in." Oz replied, his fingers tapping out
a song on the table, looking slightly wistful as he watched the band
play. "They'll be here soon."

Cordelia just nodded, not trusting herself to speak as she tried not to
look at Xander. Her mind was whirling as she glanced at him, taking in
his outfit as Buffy burst out laughing.

"Xander, I haven't seen you wear clothes that bad since high school."
Buffy shook her head at him, a fond smile on her face.

Xander looked down self-consciously, picking at the green and black
flannel shirt he wore over an orange t-shirt. "Atmosphere." He repeated
himself. "How can you expect to flash-back if I look like a normal
person?"

"True." Buffy answered, her expression distracted as she caught sight of
Willow and Giles leading the new Slayer towards them. "God. She's so
young." Her voice was low and tight as she stared at them.

Cordelia swung her head to look at the Slayer, who was much taller than
Buffy, but carried herself with the uncertainty of a child. "Hard to
believe that we were once that young."

"That poor girl." Joyce murmured. Buffy's mother had never fully
accepted her daughter's destiny, or even understood why fate would pick
such a young child.

"Mom." Buffy warned, putting her hand on her mother's arm. "I did okay,
and so will this Slayer. She'll end up at this table in 10 years,
greeting another Slayer as we all complain about getting gray hair."

"I already have gray hair." Her mother answered wryly;  her face
softening as she looked at Giles. The older woman's face spread into an
intimate smile as her eyes met Giles. Buffy turned to Cordelia, rolling
her eyes as she stood to meet the Slayer.

The next few hours passed in a jumble of laughter and talking as the
Slayerette's dazzled Sonja with tales of their adventures. They had all
laughed hysterically when she shyly confessed that Xander was her
favorite author. Laughing even harder at the look on her face when they
told her that every story he wrote was completely true. Cordelia was
having so much fun that she almost forgot that she had ever left, that
there was ever a time when she hadn't been part of this group.

Until she caught Xander staring at her, his eyes dark and inviting. Her
stomach clenched as her eyes clouded over with tears. If only, she
thought longingly, if only she had never left. If only he hadn't let her
leave. She slipped from her seat quietly, heading towards the bar for
another drink and a moment to clear her head. Leaning against the
counter for a minute, she turned in surprise when someone whispered her
name.

"Xander." She said slowly, feeling her knees go weak.

"Dance?" He asked nervously as he held his hand out to her.

She stared at him for a minute, not knowing what she would do until she
felt her hand reaching out to him. He led her silently to the dance
floor, his arms encircling her like they had never stopped. Letting him
lead her around the dance floor she closed her eyes, pretending that it
was still High School, and all  that mattered was him.

He released her slowly as the song ended, his eyes searching hers. She
stared back at him, afraid of the feelings that being close to him
awakened. Breaking away she walked quickly back to the table, avoiding
everyone's eyes. She sat down shakily, her breath loud in her own ears.
Staring at the table in front of her, she let the laughter of her
friends wash over her, trying to forget the emotions Xander still
aroused in her.

She refused to look at him when he finally came back to the table,
ignoring the pleading looks he gave her. Buffy watched both of them
carefully, before pulling Xander from the table, heading down with
Willow, Oz and Sonja to the dance floor. Cordelia looked up, smiling
wanly at Giles and Joyce, her fingers twirling the straw in her drink
absently. Joyce murmured something about getting drinks and left the
table, leaving Giles alone with Cordelia.

Turning slightly, she stared at the dance floor, watching Xander dance
with Buffy, his movements stiff. She pushed down the voice in her head
that whispered that it should be her in his arms. A soft sigh escaped
her lips as she leaned back in her chair, her eyes meeting Giles. He
smiled understandingly at her, his face knowing. "How are you Cordelia?"

"Fine." She said bravely, putting on her best smile. "Great."

"Cordelia." Giles began, pulling his glasses off his face and cleaning
them with a napkin. "I know the past few years haven't been the best for
you. I'm sorry that I didn't see what was going on when it happened. You
children are all very important to me, and I regret being to caught up
in my own pain to see what was happening."

"Children?" She replied, her eyebrows arched.

"Cordelia." He warned, refusing to be put off by her. "I see that you
still love Xander."

She stared at him silently for a minute, struggling against the urge to
cry on his shoulder. Finally she shrugged, answering bitterly. "So?"

"He is also still in love with you." Giles continued calmly, his eyes
affectionate as he glanced at Xander. Turning back to Cordelia he
considered her carefully. "So why are you not with him?"

"Giles." She started, then stopped, not knowing how to explain the empty
place inside of her, the darkness that held her back. That every time
she thought of Xander, she remembered how he had let her go. How he had
believed that she was a bitch, self-centered and shallow. Her stomach
churned with memories as Giles waited for her to answer. Taking a sip of
her drink she swallowed slowly before speaking in a low voice. "I can't
forget."

Giles looked sympathetic, putting his glasses back on before he replied.
"But can you forgive?" He spoke sadly, his eyes full of regret.
"Sometimes people we love do things that hurt us, sometimes more than we
think we can bear. But we do. And even if we can't forget the betrayal,
we try to move past it. Because love is a gift."

Cordelia stared at Giles' face; at the sadness that still lingered in
his eyes. "Ms. Calendar." She whispered softly.

Giles's looked startled, his hands flying to his face, fiddling with his
glasses. "Well, yes. Jenny betrayed me, all of us actually. And I would
never have forgotten, but I did forgive, and I thank God every day that
I did." He looked up, his expression regretful as he watched Buffy
dancing with Xander. "But I was thinking more of the cost of not being
able to forgive. It steals a piece of you, and of the people you love.
It colours everything that happens afterward."

Cordelia followed his gaze, watching Buffy laugh with Xander and Willow,
her arm slung protectively around the new Slayer. Her eyes returning to
Giles, she was surprised by the bitterness on his face. She opened her
mouth to ask him why he couldn't forgive Angel, but the question died on
her lips. He already felt bad enough, she couldn't press him on it.
Instead she took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as she spoke. "So, any
suggestions?"

"Yes." Giles answered, looking relieved. "Talk to him. Give him a chance
to explain. Keep in mind Cordelia, that you were still very young when
this happened. People, especially young people make mistakes."

She nodded her head, her eyes filling with tears. "Thanks Giles."

"It is good to have you back with us Cordelia." Giles said, his face
lighting as Joyce walked back towards them. Cordelia grinned at the
happiness they had found with each other, then summoned all her courage
and headed towards the dance floor. Giles' reassuring smile following
her.

She tapped on Buffy's shoulder, a nervous half smile on her face. Buffy
turned, her eyes happy as she moved out of Xander's arms. Cordelia stood
silently staring at Xander, unsure of what to do next. He held out his
arms and she stepped into them, her fingers curling around his neck.
Leaning her head on his shoulder she felt the familiar desire at his
touch. His hands traced slow circles on her back, his touch light. She
stopped moving suddenly, pulling back to stare into his eyes. He smiled
hopefully at her, and she smiled back. Moving in closer, Xander's lips
touched hers in a chaste kiss.

She felt the electricity first, the passion she had always felt when he
kissed her, but following quickly on its heels was the memory of the
last kiss they had shared. Of Xander kissing her in anger and hatred.
Struggling out of his arms she backed away from him, every cruel word he
had said to her echoing loudly in her head. Her hand over her mouth she
turned and ran, her coat and purse forgotten.

She was standing on the street taking deep gulps of air by the time
Xander caught up to her. He handed her coat silently, holding her purse
as she struggled into her coat. She grabbed her purse from him,  her
voice on the edge of hysteria as she spoke. "Buffy drove me. I don't
have a car."

"I'll drive you." Xander offered, a forlorn look in his eyes.

"No." She said much too loudly. Composing herself, she spoke again, in a
lower voice. "I'll walk."

"I'll walk with you." He said adding quickly, "It's Sunnydale. No one
should walk alone after dark."

She didn't reply as she began walking, her entire body aware of the man
at her side. Her step was quick as she headed towards her apartment,
away from Xander. She wanted to close herself into the safety of her
apartment and forget that there was a man she loved. Forget that there
was a man who didn't have any faith in that love. Some corner of her
mind whispered that she was being unreasonable, that she had made
mistakes too. Telling that corner of her mind to be quiet she walked
even faster. She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she barely
heard Xander speak, her head turning to look uncomprehendingly at him.

"Cordelia. Please." He repeated. "Talk to me." His voice was low and
muffled almost as if he was afraid for her to hear him.

"About what?" She spoke quickly, hoping to keep the tears from falling.
"About the last six years? About the hell I went through? The Hell you
went through? The jerk I married? The baby I lost?"

"I know how hard losing the baby was on you." He whispered.

She stopped walking, turning to stare into the eyes of the father of her
child. She was speechless, trying to think of an answer, something that
could convey how much she missed the baby. His eyes answered hers as he
let her see the pain he felt. She ducked her head, not wanting to see
Xander as a father, as her child's father. She had spent the last few
months trying to find some peace, and with one look into his eyes her
loss felt new again. "Was it hard for you?" She asked unwillingly. She
didn't want to know that he mourned, that he could picture a small child
running towards him, or see traces of what could have been in other
children.

Xander took a shaky breath. He exhaled slowly, his breath brushing over
her as he spoke. "Yes." He took a step closer to her and stopped. He
looked down at her, his expression gentle as he spoke. "I wish we could
have mourned together."

She tensed, taking a step backwards. "I couldn't."

"I know." He said sadly. "I hurt you too badly."

"Everything hurt too badly." She sighed, wrapping her arms tightly
across herself. "But Willow and later Buffy, they helped me through it.
And I know they helped you too."

"They're good friends."

"The best." She smiled weakly at him. And what are we, she asked
herself. Where do we go from here? Do we share the same friends and
never become friends ourselves? She turned from him and began walking
again, feeling him fall into step beside her.

They didn't say anything else, until they were standing awkwardly in
front of Cordelia's apartment. She turned to walk into the building, but
his hand on her arm stopped her. The sensation of his arm on her flew
through her, reminding her of everything she once believed they would
have. Everything they didn't have now. Whirling around to face Xander,
she spoke desperately. "What do you want from me?"

He looked startled for a moment, his hand falling to his side. He
cleared his throat, seeming to sink into himself. "I love you."

Cordelia heard a ugly laugh come from her mouth before she spoke.
"That's not what I asked."

He was quiet again as he looked down at the pavement in front of him. "I
want to be in your life." He finally answered.

"In my life how?" She answered, feeling the pain of the last six years
form into anger. "As my friend? My lover? What?"

"Cordy..." He pleaded softly.

"I'll tell you what Xander. You come up with a reason why you turned
your back on me and we'll talk." She was almost shaking with anger as
she glared at him.

"Cordy..." He said again, his eyes welling with tears.

"Don't. Don't you dare be sad. Don't you dare look at me with those
eyes." Her voice broke as she felt tears swelling in her own eyes. How
could she love him so much and still hate him? How could he love her so
much and still have no faith in her? "Don't you dare make me feel this
again Xander. Don't make me love you."

"Isn't there any way Cordelia? Anything to make this better?" He
implored her brokenly.

"Tell me why you let me go."  She whispered softly, tears streaming down
her cheeks.

"I don't know." He replied, his hands flying into the air as he paced
around her. "Don't you think I've asked myself that question?

"Not enough, obviously." Cordelia uttered, feeling the emptiness of her
life rise up around her.

"I couldn't believe that you loved me. You were so perfect, and I always
thought you would realize what a mistake you were making. Being with
me." Xander continued as if she hadn't spoken.

She sat down heavily on the steps, folding her arms around herself as
she cried. "Why? I was crazy about you. Adored you. How could you have
doubted that?"

"I don't know." He said, sitting down beside her, his eyes full of
tears. "I don't know. You were a dream to me, and I was always afraid I
would wake up."

"You didn't trust me." She looked at him, imploring him to say something
that would make it better.

"I loved you." He offered, tears spilling down his cheeks.

"I loved you." She sobbed as she climbed to her feet. "I loved you more
than anything. I told you every secret, every thought I had. I ran to
you when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I made love with you, and
laughed with you. I was there for you."

"Cordelia." He begged, despair in his voice as he looked at her. "Please
forgive me."

She reached out to touch his face, unable to help herself as she wiped
the tears of his face. She loved him as much now as she ever had.
Nothing was going to change that. "I forgive you." She watched as hope
lit in her eyes, and felt something harden inside her as she spoke
again. "But I can't figure out how I would ever trust you again."

He fell back as if she had hit him, the hope dying. "You trust Buffy and
Willow."

"Yes." She answered simply. "But you were my everything."

"And you were mine." He said slowly, his eyes burning into hers. "You
talk about me not having any faith, but were was yours?" He stood up,
moving closer to her as he continued to speak. "Were was your faith when
you decided that I would be happy with Buffy? Why didn't you fight for
me?"

"You were kissing her." She said accusingly.

"And you didn't wait to see what happened next." Xander spoke in a tone
as accusing as hers.

"What? I should have stuck around for the second act?" Cordelia spat at
him.

"Yes." Xander retorted angrily. "You should have stuck around. Then you
would have seen me push her away, tell her that I loved you."

"You should have told me." Cordelia threw back at him.

"Admit it Cordelia." Xander said, his tone biting. "You were afraid. You
didn't trust my love. You actually thought that I would leave you for
Buffy."

Cordelia stood stunned, the truth in his words chilling her. She had
been afraid that if she challenged him he would pick Buffy. Taking an
unconscious step backwards she sat down heavily on the steps, her
thoughts jumbled. Looking up at him she whispered. "Maybe." She stared
down at her hands as she continued. "But I also thought that you
wouldn't just let me leave. I thought you would force me to tell you
what was wrong."

"I was afraid." Xander stated. "I thought that you decided that your
parents were right, that I wasn't good enough for you."

"You hated me." She forced the words through frozen lips, the thought of
the hatred she had seen on his face that night in the library still
fresh in her mind. "I never hated you, not even when I thought you would
be happy with Buffy."

"I know." Xander knelt down in front of her, taking her hands in hers
and pleading with her. "I wish I had a reason better than my stupid
pride. I wish that I could take back every mean thing I said to you, but
I can't. I'm just asking you for a chance to make it up to you."

Cordelia looked down at her hands in his, tears spilling down her cheeks
as she pulled away. What if he failed her again? What if she did
something that made him leave? She didn't think she could bear to lose
him again. "I can't." She whispered under her breath, the sharp intake
of air he took telling her that he had heard her. He stood up slowly,
tears shining in his eyes as he turned and walked slowly away, his
shoulders slumped. She sat on the step crying softly as he left, wanting
nothing more than to call him back, but unable to say a word.


______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 15:48:03 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (16/18)

Title: Best Intentions
Author: Andrea
e-mail: [e-mail]
disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine.
spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two.
distribution: Sure, just let me know.
summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as
Christine's amazing story, 'The Wildest Times in the World' although
technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven't read
it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything.
Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for
helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. And there's
still more I could thank you for. :)

February 17, 2007
Buffy's room.

"They finally set the trial date." Cordelia spoke casually, trying to
hide the fear she felt as she pulled clothes from Buffy's closet, and
threw them into two piles on the floor.

"What?"  Buffy's voice was muffled as she climbed out of the closet,
almost tripping over one of the boxes that cluttered her floor, her
expression surprised. "When?"

"Ten days." Cordelia replied shortly, a grimace crossing her face as she
stopped working for a moment and stared at her friend.

"I was starting to think that he was going to be able to delay it
forever." Buffy said, her face showing the anger Cordelia was trying not
to feel.

"Well, he"s got the best law firm in town defending him."  Her voice was
bitter as she began emptying the closet rapidly, flinging the clothes
onto the floor, not wanting to turn and see the pity on Buffy's face.
But why shouldn't she pity me, she thought angrily, how many people get
to have their Father defend the man
who tried to kill their daughter and did kill their unborn grandchild?
Taking a deep breath she struggled to control the anger she felt.

'I still can't believe he's doing that." Buffy said softly.

Cordelia shrugged her shoulders, throwing the last of the clothes onto
the second pile. "My Father would never turn down the kind of money
Doug's Father was offering, not even for his daughter."  Turning, she
faced Buffy with a bright smile on her face which faltered as she met
Buffy's eyes.  Her face was sad as she spoke again. "I've never had the
closest relationship with my parents. And once I left Doug...well, lets
just say I am not their favorite person." She closed her eyes,
remembering her Father's angry words and
the disappointment on her Mother's face when she had told them she left
Doug, but that scene was nothing compared to the visit she had received
after her parents found out she had been pregnant. She sighed loudly,
bending over to grab a handful of clothes and stuff them into a garbage
bag. "And when they
found out about the baby being Xander's..."

"They were never that happy about you dating him in High School were
they?" Buffy asked.

"Nope." Cordelia answered lightly, refusing to spend the day thinking
about her lack of relationship with her parents."Now, I thought we were
packing."

"We are." Buffy replied, getting up from the bed and walking over to the
piles of clothes. "Two piles?"

"This stuff." Cordelia said with a grin, motioning towards the pile she
was putting into a garbage bag. "Is going to the homeless shelter." She
grimaced as she held up a pair of wildly patterned leggings. "These
should have been left in the 90's where they belonged."

Buffy laughed, "What's wrong with The 90'S or my leggings?"

Cordelia stuffed the pants into the bag with distaste. "With the pants,
everything, as for the 90's, move on. It's a new century." Looking at
the much smaller second pile she put her hands on her hips as she
considered
Buffy. "Now, my housewarming present to you is going to be an entire
wardrobe of
clothes."

"Cordelia Chase Originals? Synder will think I've robbed a bank." Buffy
said, her face pleased as she took the last picture off her shelf.
"Where is Willow with the truck? We've almost got the entire room
packed."

"Excited?" Cordelia questioned her friend with a grin.

"Torn." Buffy said with a shrug. "I'm glad to finally have my own place
and get away from Giles and Mom mooning at each other, but..."

"But this is your home." Cordelia finished for her, sitting down on the
edge of the bed and looking around her. "I don't blame you. I really
love this house."

Buffy turned, staring at Cordelia in surprise. "Really?"

"Yes." Cordelia said, nodding her head decisively. "It's a happy house."
She stood up, walking over to the window and peering out into the yard.
"Although if my child slept in this room, I would cut that tree down. I
know how easy it made it to sneak out." She felt the pain flow through
her as she said the words, her grief for the child she had lost still
fresh, but somehow bearable.

She stared out the window for a moment, lost in thoughts of the baby
that would never be, not realizing that Buffy hadn't responded. Cordelia
was pulled out of her thoughts when she saw Willow's car pull up to the
curb. Turning to Buffy with a smile, she froze; the look of despair on
the other woman's face frightening her. "Buffy." She spoke worriedly, as
she crossed the room towards her. "What's wrong? I was only talking, I
don't want your house."

"It's not that." The retired Slayer said, struggling to smile. "It's
just...the window...Angel." Buffy shook her head as if she could erase
the memory. "I'm sorry."

Cordelia watched her friend, her face full of sympathy. Buffy had gotten
so much better at hiding her loneliness that the brunette sometimes
forget that Buffy had never fully recovered from losing Angel. Grabbing
Buffy's hand she pulled her over to the bed, sitting down with her she
said softly, "Tell me about it?"

"It's fine. Really , I'm fine." Buffy answered, smiling weakly.

"Liar." Cordelia murmured, her expression firm.

The smile faded from Buffy's face as she looked at Cordelia. "What? Do
you really want to hear that I still miss him every second of every day?
That sometimes I think I would trade the rest of my life for one glimpse
of him." Buffy glared at her; tears filling her eyes. "I made this
choice. I know why we did it, and I know it was the right decision. For
Giles, I sent Angel away, and for Giles, he left. End of story."

"Not the end Buffy, not if you love him the way that you do." Cordelia
whispered. "And I do want to hear. And I want you to tell."

"It still hurts so much." Buffy sobbed, her expression defeated.

Cordelia pulled her friend close to her, rocking her in her arms as
Buffy cried. She looked up when Willow entered the room, mouthing,
"Angel" to her.

Willow's face was sad as she walked over to the pair. Her hand softly
touching Buffy's shoulder she spoke. "He still loves you as much as you
love him."

Buffy's sobs began to lessen, and pulling away from Cordelia she
questioned Willow. "You've heard from him? Lately?"

Willow looked guilty as she explained to Cordelia. "I still get an
anonymous e-mail every few months. Telling me that Angel is fine." The
Watcher smiled sadly at Buffy. "I never know if I should tell you."

Buffy was silent for a minute before answering. "Maybe you shouldn't,
but I'm glad you do. As long as he's okay." Her voice was wistful as she
turned to look out her window.

Cordelia looked helplessly at Willow, wondering how they could help
Buffy. The room was silent for a while, as night covered Sunnydale,
leaving the room dark. Cordelia moved finally, reaching over to turn on
the bedside lamp, catching sight of the silver cross Angel had given
Buffy nestled in a box on the bedside table, the Claddagh ring sitting
on top of it. She took a deep breath, feeling her eyes sting with tears
as she began to speak. "I remember when I was so desperate for Angel to
notice me. I mean, there I was, the most popular girl in school, and the
hottest guy I had ever seen wouldn't give me the time of day. Preferring
to spend his time mooning after someone I considered a freak." Her voice
was light, as she made fun of the person she used to be, trying to make
Buffy remember the good times.

Buffy turned slowly from the window, her face lit with love. "I remember
the first time we tried to have a normal date." She looked at Willow
fondly as she continued. "For coffee."

The Watcher grinned at the memory. "The non-relationship drink of
choice."

Buffy laughed softly, the pain on her face fading as she reminisced.
"And of course, I got delayed by slaying. I was a mess by the time I got
to the Bronze."

Cordelia smiled at the memory. "And I was so not happy to see you walk
in. Not that Angel was looking at me even before you got there."

Willow arched her eyebrow as she spoke to Cordelia. "The first one that
got away?"

Cordelia laughed as she recited, Buffy chiming in along with her. "When
it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer."

The three woman laughed at the memory, as Buffy walked away from the
window and sat down cross-legged on the floor. Cordelia glanced at
Willow before slipping off the bed to sit on the floor with Buffy. The
redhead grabbed a pillow and threw it on the floor, flopping down on top
of it.

"Of course, by the time Halloween was over, I understood that there was
no way Angel was ever going to look at anyone else." Cordelia said
ruefully, shaking her head as she remembered the disbelief she had felt
that anyone would chose Buffy over her.

"He did love me, didn't he?" Buffy whispered. "Even then."

"God yes." Willow and Cordelia replied together.

"And we had some good times." The once Slayer whispered.

"Of course." Cordelia answered her, feeling the pain of Buffy's loss
surge through the room.

Willow spoke quickly, trying to keep the mood light. "I wonder if
Xander's planning on writing the Halloween story?"

Cordelia's stomach swirled, reacting to his name even though she tried
not to. Dropping her eyes, she stared at the floor, waiting for Buffy to
speak.

"He should." Buffy answered, her face growing sad again. "Have you
talked to him lately Cordelia?"

Stiffening, Cordelia looked up at Buffy, her eyes hurt. "Not much. Not
really since the party."

"Why not?" Buffy pressed, her eyes hardening.

Cordelia stared at Buffy, her expression begging the other woman to drop
it. When Buffy continued looking back, her eyes refusing to let Cordelia
off the hook, she spoke. "I...I can't. It hurts too much. He hated me. I
can't get past it."

"Do you love him?" Buffy shot at her, her shoulders tensing as anger
grew in her eyes.

Cordelia nodded slowly, her stomach churning now, not understanding why
Buffy suddenly looked so furious.

Buffy nodded back, climbing to her feet and staring down at Cordelia.
"Then you just do it. You forgive him. You give him a chance to prove
that you can trust him. You fight for love Cordelia, you don't just
throw it away for one mistake, no matter how big the mistake is." Tears
were streaming down her face as she stopped speaking, her face flushed
red. Buffy took a deep breath as she averted her eyes from Cordelia, and
walked over to sit on the edge of her bed. Her voice was much softer
when she spoke again. "I'm sorry. I know it's hard. But, Cordy, the only
thing I know for sure is that if the things holding you away from Xander
were the only things keeping me from Angel, I wouldn't be sitting here
with you."

 Cordelia stared quietly, shocked at Buffy's outburst and at her anger.
She thought about arguing with her, telling her that it wasn't that
simple, but sitting there with a woman who had lost her love forever she
couldn't figure out why it wasn't. Climbing to her feet, she smiled
reassuringly at Willow, who was sitting in shock on the floor. She moved
towards the window staring out into the night as she spoke. "I'll try."

"How?" Buffy asked.

"Maybe I'll see if he wants to go to a movie some night." Cordelia
offered slowly. She was silent after that, they all were. Cordelia knew
she hadn't given Buffy the answer that she wanted, if she was honest, it
hadn't been the answer she wanted either. But the betrayal she still
felt whenever Xander was near wouldn't leave her head. She leaned her
forehead against the cool glass, praying that someday she could look at
him with only love in her eyes and in her heart.
*****

______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

------------------------------

End of buffyfic-digest V3 #26
*****************************

To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command

    subscribe buffyfic-digest

    or

    subscribe buffy

to [e-mail].  You will need to go through a
confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually
approve your subscription request, so it may take some time.

To unsubscribe, send email to [e-mail] with

     unsubscribe buffyfic-digest

     or

     unsubscribe buffyfic

in the body.

Back issues of this digest can be found at:

    ftp://ftp.xmission.com/pub/lists/buffyfic/archive/

Dalton Spence has also provided an index of the buffyfic archive at:

    http://www.hwcn.org/~ag775/BUFFYFIC.HTM

For help, contact Jill Kirby ([e-mail]) or sah ([e-mail])