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buffyfic-digest       Tuesday, January 19 1999       Volume 03 : Number 025



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (14/18)
       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (12/18)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
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Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 17:43:51 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (14/18)

Title: Best Intentions
Author: Andrea
e-mail: [e-mail]
disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine.
spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two.
distribution: Sure, just let me know.
summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as
Christine's amazing story, 'The Wildest Times in the World' although
technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven't read
it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything.
Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for
helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. And there's
still more I could thank you for. :)


January 7, 2007

Cordelia took one last look in the mirror before grabbing her purse and
running out of her apartment. She sprinted down the stairs, squinting as
she stepped out into the bright winter day. Seeing that Buffy wasn't
there yet, she sighed, assuming the Slayer was caught up with a student.
She shook her head slightly, the image of Buffy as a teacher, even if
she was a gym teacher, still surprising her. Glancing at her watch, she
smiled sadly, Buffy was still super athletic although she didn't have
the Slayer strength she used to. Cordelia frowned, thinking once again
of how close they had come to losing Buffy. If Giles hadn't rescued her,
the best friend she ever had would be dead. Shivering Cordelia pushed
the thought from her head, telling herself that Buffy was fine. The new
Slayer was expected any day now, and Willow was finally going to get her
chance to be an on duty Watcher.

Cordelia and Buffy had renewed their friendship in sadness. One mourning
the child she had lost and the other mourning the duty she had once
despised. Cordelia wondered if she ever would have trusted Buffy as
completely as she did if the other woman had not broken down one night,
confessing that she wasn't as strong as she once was. Cordelia had
thought she was joking at first, or that she wasn't getting what Buffy
meant, but once she realized it was true, that every vampire Buffy
managed to kill was more of a struggle than the last she had put aside
her own pain to comfort the Slayer. She had been moved when Buffy asked
her not to tell any of the others, that she wasn't ready to admit it
yet. The fact Buffy had felt she could share it with her went a long way
towards repairing the damage done to their relationship all those years
ago.

"But if she's much later, I'm going to have to seriously rethink this
whole friendship." Cordelia muttered to herself, pulling her collar up
as she watched the street for Buffy's car. She shivered, a chill
traveling up her spine as she remembered who was going to be at dinner
with them tonight. "Maybe late is better. Maybe never is better." She
whispered to herself before shaking her head in disgust. "Get over it
Cordy. You're past this. There is no reason that seeing Xander Harris
should frighten you." Right, she thought, no reason at all, if you can
forget how much you love him and how you still can't quite forgive him
for not having more faith in you. She sighed in relief as Buffy's car
turned onto her street, rescuing her from her thoughts.

Climbing into Buffy's car she glared fondly at the other woman as Buffy
rambled some excuse about a student who couldn't grasp the concept of
Dodgeball. She leaned her head against the seat, letting Buffy's voice
drown out the panic she was trying not to feel. The stomach turning,
nausea inducing, making her palms sweat panic that increased the closer
they got to the restaurant. She closed her eyes, counting to ten in her
head as an image of Xander imprinted itself on her brain. Be calm, she
told herself, he's probably just as nervous as you are. Why had she ever
let Buffy talk her into this? Buffy with her mumbo jumbo about wanting
to celebrate the new Slayer's arrival with a party. And Willow, she
thought, growing more agitated, Willow, with her innocent face, nodding
her head in agreement with every word Buffy said. Obviously forgetting
all about the whole 'the Slayer must work in secret' deal. Okay, not
forgetting exactly since the Slayer was coming to town under the guise
of Giles' niece. And who doesn't throw a party to welcome their niece?
How about everyone, she thought bitterly, her fingers clasped tightly
together as she tried to stop thinking.

"I mean, I explained it to him about a million times." Buffy's voice
came back into focus as the car turned into the parking lot of the
restaurant. "And he still just stood there every time I threw the ball
at him."

"Huh?" Cordelia said before realizing what Buffy was talking about.
"Sounds rough."

Buffy smiled knowingly at her as she parked the car. "It's going to be
okay Cordy."

Cordelia slumped down in the seat, her hands covering her face. "I
know." She smiled weakly as she turned to face Buffy. "Theoretically."

Buffy grinned as she got out of the car, coming around to Cordelia's
side and opening the door.  "I know you can do this."

"So do I." Cordelia retorted as she let Buffy pull her out of the car.
She followed Buffy towards the restaurant, mumbling under her breath.
"I'm just not sure if I want too."

Cordelia entered the restaurant just behind Buffy, her eyes scanning for
any sight of Xander. She found Willow easily, her bright hair visible
even in the dimly lit dining area. Looking at the table where Willow sat
she counted only one other head. One head that was covered in blonde
hair. Oz, she thought, grabbing Buffy's arm and pointing in their
direction.

She walked to the table slowly, not knowing if she was relieved or
disappointed that he wasn't there. Sitting down beside Willow she smiled
faintly, refusing to ask if he was coming. Everyone sat silently for a
minute, their usual banter missing. Oz filled the silence with news
about his new show, his unflappable nature helping to relax everyone.

The waiter came to the table, bringing the wine Willow had ordered. He
inquired if they were ready to order and Cordelia held her breath as she
waited for someone to answer.

"Not yet." Willow finally said, her eyes reluctantly meeting Cordelia's.

Cordelia breathed out softly, her stomach beginning to churn again. She
picked up her wine glass and filled it, downing the drink quickly.
Ignoring the looks Buffy and Willow were giving her she poured herself
another, but stopped with the drink halfway to her lips. Setting it back
on the table she made a face at them. "One drink for courage, two and
I'm on the floor."

They smiled sympathetically at her, an uncomfortable silence settling
over the table once more. Cordelia sighed, wishing that her panic wasn't
affecting everyone else. She forced herself to relax and leaned forward,
her voice barely trembling as she spoke. "So, does anyone have any ideas
about where to have this party? I'd offer my place, but as you know,
it's not much bigger than a tent."

She could almost feel a collective sigh of relief from the other
occupants of the table as everyone started talking at once, debating the
merits of different locations.

"I still like the idea you told me the other night." Oz said to Willow,
smiling fondly at her.

"No." Willow and Buffy answered together, shooting warning glances at
Oz.

"What was it?" Cordelia asked slowly.

"To have it at the Bronze." Oz answered her, when Willow and Buffy said
nothing.

"The Bronze?" Cordelia blurted in surprise. "But isn't that still a teen
hangout?"

"That's kinda the point." Oz  said, looking nonchalant as usual.

"And the point is?" Cordelia stared at her three friends in confusion.

"It's a flash back party." Willow replied, her enthusiasm for the idea
breaking free.

Buffy shrugged her shoulders, as she grinned at Cordelia. "To welcome
the new Slayer in the place where we used to have so much fun." Her
smiled faded as she continued. "Back when things were happier."

Cordelia stared at Buffy, knowing that she was remembering Angel and the
nights he would meet her at the Bronze. She smiled brightly, wanting to
erase the look of pain from Buffy's face. "Sounds perfect. As long as my
clothes don't have to be quite as tight, or as short as they were back
then."

"Agreed." Willow said, her smile wide. "You can even wear pants."

Cordelia laughed before asking, "So, who thought up this fantastic
idea?"

The table fell suddenly silent as Buffy and Willow glanced at each other
nervously before Buffy answered. "Xander."

Cordelia nodded, unaware that a soft smile lingered on her face. She
felt strangely proud that it was Xander's idea that they had chosen.
Looking up, she saw Buffy looking at her with a knowing glint in her
eye. Throwing her a dirty look she shook her head before smiling again.
The conversation flowed much easier after that, Cordelia almost
forgetting to be nervous about seeing Xander.

Until Buffy and Willow fell suddenly silent, their shoulders tensing.
Cordelia swore she could feel the air change in the room as butterflies
congregated in her stomach. Her heart was beating wildly by the time she
heard his voice coming from behind her.

"Sorry I'm late. I had a flat tire." His voice was nervous as he moved
into her line of sight, sitting down carefully between Buffy and Oz. He
stared at the table for a minute before lifting his eyes to hers, his
expression nothing short of terrified.

Cordelia stared back at him, drinking in the sight of him, the
restaurant and everyone else fading away. She noticed the dark circles
under his eyes, and the spot on his jaw that the razor had missed. She
stared down at his hands, nervously fidgeting with his fork. They looked
so strong and gentle, tears filled her eyes as she suddenly saw those
hands cradling their child. She closed her eyes for a moment, then
looked into his eyes, seeing the same loss she felt reflected back. She
smiled tentatively, her voice thick when she spoke. "Xander. It's good
to see you."

"You too." He managed to say, his voice cracking slightly.

Everyone was silent as the waiter came back and took their orders.
Cordelia felt calmer now, as she realized that she could do this. She
knew as she sat at the table that she loved him as much as she ever had.
But sitting there, the old gang reunited, she also knew that she hadn't
totally forgiven him yet. Maybe she never would. She pushed the thought
away, deciding that for now, being able to be sit at the same table was
enough.

She picked up her wine glass and sipped it slowly. Still holding her
wine glass she leaned forward, her tone light as she spoke to him. "So.
Flashback party?"

Xander flushed, "I thought...well, you know, what with all the..."

Cordelia leaned back in her chair, her smile widening as Xander
stuttered through his answer.
*******

______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 17:19:30 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (12/18)

Title: Best Intentions
Author: Andrea
e-mail: [e-mail]
disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine.
spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two.
distribution: Sure, just let me know.
summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as
Christine's amazing story, 'The Wildest Times in the World' although
technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven't read
it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything.
Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for
helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. And there's
still more I could thank you for. :)

Sunnydale Hospital
August 4, 2006

Cordelia woke slowly, looking at her surroundings in confusion. The
memory of the night before came back to her slowly, her ex-husband's
attack and Xander's rescue. She remembered Xander holding her as she
cried for the baby, his tears mixing with her own. Her heart caught as
the pain rushed over her again, feeling just as unbearable as it had the
night before. She barely stifled her moan, stuffing her fist to her
mouth as she tried to grieve quietly. Turning her head she pushed her
face into a pillow as she began to sob for the baby that would never be.

She lay like that for hours, ignoring the nurses that came in to check
on her and their soft murmurs of condolence. She was aware of nothing
but her pain until a soft rap on her door was followed by the entrance
of her doctor and two large policeman who hovered close to the door..
The doctor came to stand at the foot of her bed, looking at her chart
before motioning to the policemen to come closer.

The younger of the two cops looked sadly at her before clearing his
throat and speaking. "I'm sorry that we have to do this now, but we need
to know if you want to press charges."

"Charges?" Cordelia repeated blankly before realizing what he was
talking about. "Against Doug?"

"Yes." The older of the two answered, his expression impatient as he
stared at her.

Cordelia leaned back against the pillows, wanting nothing more than for
the pain to go away. She wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, never
have to remember that she had been pregnant and that she would have been
a mother. Feeling the tears pushing up her throat she swallowed loudly,
feeling her anger beginning as she thought about what Doug had stolen
from her. Her voice icy she answered them. "Yes. I want every charge you
can think of brought against him." Staring directly at the older man
until he dropped his eyes and pulled out his notepad.

"We're gonna need a statement then." The younger cop said, his voice
telling her that he thought she did the right thing.

Cordelia told the story in a calm voice, keeping her expression blank as
she spoke. They asked her questions for over an hour, the doctor keeping
a careful eye on her. When they were finally finished they warned her
that her ex-husband would probably be out on bail within the next few
days and she should be careful. "Why?" She whispered, "There is nothing
else he could take from me." She turned her head away from them,
slipping down further on the bed and pulling the covers up and closing
her eyes until she heard them leave the room.

A nurse came in soon after, offering her a sleeping pill which she took
gratefully, slipping into a dreamless sleep. She woke later to the sound
of the doctor telling her that she was free to leave whenever she felt
up to it and that her husband was still sitting in the waiting room. She
thought for a moment about telling him that Xander wasn't her husband,
but didn't. She only nodded her head slightly as she told him that she
didn't want to see anyone yet. Squeezing her hand the doctor left the
room.

Cordelia stared at the ceiling for a while, wondering why she wasn't
crying anymore, why she didn't feel anything at all. She climbed out of
the bed cautiously, feeling much older than she was. Dressing quietly,
she pulled her hair into a ponytail as she walked to the door. Peeking
outside she saw that the hallway was deserted, so she slipped out of the
room and walked down the hallway, heading in the opposite direction of
the waiting room.

She was almost at the rear doors of the hospital when someone called her
name. She paused, wanting to ignore the voice and keep walking, but
instead she turned around slowly, not saying anything.

"Cordelia...Cordy." Willow whispered; her face full of sympathy. "Where
are you going?"

"Home." Cordelia replied, wondering where home was.

"We can take you. I'll get Xander. He's waited here all day."

"No." Cordelia almost yelled, feeling totally panicked at the idea of
seeing Xander. "I don't want to see him. Please Willow, just let me go."

Willow moved forward slowly, her eyes full of tears. "He wants to help
you. We all want to help you."

Cordelia backed away from her, not wanting to feel anyone close to her
ever again. She stared at Willow, her dark eyes bright against her pale
face. "Not now. Please. Let me be." She spoke each word carefully, not
wanting any emotion to break free.

"But.." Willow said helplessly, before nodding her head. "Will you let
me come and check on you?"

Cordelia started to say no, but her fear of being totally alone with her
pain made her choke out a soft yes. Willow smiled in relief and started
to speak, but Cordelia cut her off, speaking in a voice that frightened
her with its deadness. "Just you. Not Xander. Not Buffy. No one else."

Willow swallowed nervously before nodding in agreement. Cordelia looked
at the red-head for another moment, not knowing what they could possibly
ever have to say to each other before she turned and shakily moved down
the hall to the taxi that waited outside.
*******
August 11, 2006

Cordelia stood in the doorway to her kitchen, listening to the phone
ring. She made no move to answer it, or to do anything at all. There was
nothing anyone could say that would make her feel any better, no words
that would take away the horrible emptiness that she felt. The answering
machine clicked on and Xander's voice suddenly filled the room, his
voice soft as he begged her to pick up the phone, as he apologized once
more. She waited ,frozen, until the machine clicked off and then moving
carefully she walked over to it, staring down at the message waiting
light that blinked on and off. Her finger hesitated over the erase
button, remembering when she would have given anything to hear love in
his voice for her. As she hit the button to delete the message she
realized that the one thing she wouldn't have given had been the thing
she had lost.

Wandering into the kitchen she slipped into one of the hard chairs,
setting her coffee on the table in front of her and staring into it as
it cooled. She stared into space as her mother's words echoed in her
head, telling her to get up, to get dressed and start living again. She
laughed bitterly; wishing it was that easy, wishing she could have told
her mother the real reason she hadn't left her house in over a week. But
what could she say? Guess what Mom, remember Xander, the boy that you
despised, well I found him drunk on a beach and took advantage of him,
got pregnant and then Doug came and landed a solid punch on my stomach;
I lost the baby and now can't seem to figure out one reason to even get
out of bed. That would really go over well with her parents, they still
hadn't forgiven her for leaving Doug. Her mother had been shocked when
Cordelia had told her about the divorce, pushing Cordelia to just ignore
the other women and the drinking. And her Father, his first words after
hearing about Doug's assault on her had been to ask her how she had
provoked him. She shivered slightly, imagining the phone call she would
be getting if they ever found out about the baby.  Pushing her cup away
violently she listened to it crash onto the floor before she lay her
head on the table and began sobbing once again.

A timid knock at the door made her lift her head from the table. Staring
blankly at the door she waited for who ever it was to go away.

"Cordelia?" A worried voice called out to her. "It's me. It's Willow."

Sitting back in her chair, Cordelia continued staring at the door,
unsure of what she was going to do. She hadn't really expected Willow to
come, at least after the first night she hadn't. Don't answer it, she
told herself, but the little voice in her head urged her forward, out of
her chair and towards the door. Opening it slowly she looked at the
red-head for a moment before she motioned her inside.

Cordelia walked slowly into the living room, not looking back to see if
Willow was following her. She sat down on the couch and pulled a pillow
protectively close to her.

Willow sat down cautiously in the chair across from her, leaning forward
to speak. "I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner. I...it was a Watcher thing. I
came as soon as I could."

"It's okay." Cordelia heard her voice speaking, but it sounded far away.
She pulled the pillow closer, the ever present tears choking her again.

"How are you doing?" Willow said uncomfortably, her fingers playing with
her hair.

"Fine." Cordelia whispered, her voice cracking.

Willow smiled sadly at her before speaking again. "You're not fine. It
was a stupid question." Willow stopped playing with her hair and stared
intently at Cordelia. "How can I help?"

Cordelia didn't say anything as she felt the ever present tears spill
down her cheeks. She stared pleadingly at Willow, wanting the other girl
to say something that would make it better. The new Watcher said
nothing, she just stood and came over to Cordelia, sitting beside her on
the couch and wrapping her arms around her. Cordelia stiffened as
Willow's arms held her, then she relaxed, sobbing on the redhead's
shoulder until she didn't have any tears left.

Pulling back from Willow slowly, Cordelia wiped the tears off her face,
feeling suddenly embarrassed. This was one of the people who had
betrayed her and she was crying on her shoulder. Standing up quickly she
walked towards the kitchen, speaking as she moved away. "Coffee. Do you
want some?"

Willow said a quick yes as she followed her into the kitchen. The Hacker
said nothing as Cordelia moved through the kitchen making the coffee.
She waited until Cordelia had finally sat down before speaking again. "I
want to help you through this. I know you probably don't trust me, or
even like me, but you need someone to be there for you. I know there is
no way to make up for what happened before. All I can say is that I'm
sorry. More sorry than you know."

Cordelia stared at her coffee cup, thinking that she should tell Willow
to get out of her apartment. To go and be with her real friends, but the
words wouldn't come. Looking up at Willow she spoke quietly. "Be careful
what you wish for."

"What?" Willow questioned.

"I wanted you all to think that I was a bitch, I shouldn't complain when
I got exactly what I asked for." Cordelia said simply.

"But we shouldn't have believed you. We should have known something was
wrong." Willow replied; her voice full of regret.

Her voice totally devoid of emotion Cordelia asked softly, "Why didn't
you?"

Willow didn't answer right away, stirring her coffee slowly as she
looked at Cordelia. "I don't have a good answer for that. I wish I did.
The only thing I can think of is because the things you said hurt so
much."

"What about Buffy? Angel?" Cordelia shot the names at her, and when
Willow looked perplexed she continued speaking. "Buffy was a total bitch
to you once, and you still were her friend. And Angel, he killed people
and you still tried to help him."

"It wasn't Angel." Willow spoke weakly, her face flushing.

"It wasn't me." Cordelia said flatly.

"I know that. It's just, I never expected you to treat me that way
again. I was hurt and angry and I couldn't think of a reason why you
would act any differently. There was nothing supernatural." Willow spoke
quickly, her words tumbling on top of each other.

Cordelia sat quietly for a moment, as flashes of how bad she had once
treated Willow flew through her mind. Nodding slowly she spoke. "Why did
you come to the hospital with me then, when I fainted?"

Willow looked surprised, but recovered quickly. "You were alone, and I
was watching you before you fainted. You didn't look like the
self-absorbed bitch I thought you were, you just looked lonely."

"Lonely?" Cordelia said bitterly, feeling the tears creeping into her
eyes again. "I thought that what I felt then was the loneliest a person
could ever be, but I was wrong." She let the tears slip quietly down her
face as she continued. "After I found out about the baby, I didn't feel
lonely anymore. And...and since I lost the baby I feel more alone than I
ever have."

"You don't have to be alone Cordelia. I want to be here for you, to be
your friend. The friend I always should have been." Willow promised; her
face sad.

"Until I say something wrong?" Cordelia asked bitterly.

Willow flushed, her face showing the guilt she felt. "Always Cordelia.
Even if you never say another kind thing again."

Cordelia sniffed, feeling a tiny bit of hope light inside her. Nodding
her head slightly she answered Willow. "I hate being alone."

"You've got me. And Buffy, Oz and Giles. And Xander, he never stopped
loving you." Willow smiled at her as she spoke, her relief plain on her
face.

"No." Cordelia shook her head, her face going blank. "Just you. I can't
handle anything more than that."

Willow's smile faded as she took in Cordelia's words. "They love you."

Cordelia's face fell as she implored Willow. "And I love them. But I
can't deal with it. I...please." Her stomach clenched as she waited for
Willow to answer. Not understanding why it was so much easier to deal
with Willow, but positive that if she had to face Xander or Buffy now
she would break.

"Can I tell them how you're doing?" Willow asked.

Cordelia looked at Willow, her hands running through her unwashed hair.
"Leave out the part where I'm wearing a dirty robe and my hair is a
mess." Smiling tentatively at Willow, Cordelia took a sip of her coffee.
*********


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