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buffyfic-digest       Monday, November 16 1998       Volume 02 : Number 370



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Sound of Silence (2/2)
       BUFFYFIC: The Sound of Silence (1/3)
       BUFFYFIC: The Sound of Silence (1/2)
       BUFFYFIC: Losing You (17/20)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1998 19:32:27 EST
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Sound of Silence (2/2)

See Part 1


Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
        -REM
         Losing My Religion

    The dreams weren't really dreams at all, by memories. Of that night, of the
first
time we met in the alley, and he gave me that cross. Our first kiss in my
bedroom, the kiss
on the ice- his fear that I would reject him for who he truly was. That night
on the docks
when he gave me the ring. I kept it with me always, even if I didn't always
wear it. People
say that it gets easier with time, easier to let go. Not for me. It keeps
getting harder and
harder not to wear the ring, and even harder to take it off. I know I should
move on, but I
can't.  I'll never love again.

    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

    Willow couldn't tell if it had been only moments, or if it had been hours
since she
read the letter. No one had said anything. They just sat their, Xander with
his arms around
Cordelia, pale and defeated. Joyce crying silently on the couch, hugging a
pillow tightly to
her breast. Giles sagged over in weary defeat, all the hope of the summer
gone, with only
an empty nothingness to keep him going. Willow desperately wished that Oz was
still
there, but he had left with the band to help with the equipment. She wanted
him to wrap
his arms around her and tell her it would be all right. But it wouldn't be,
and they all knew
it.
    Then the light finally went on.  "I know where she is!" Willow blurted out.
They
looked at her, flickers of hope dancing in their eyes. Willow forged ahead,
"She said she
would always be here with us. She's at Angel's apartment, planning to watch
over us from
afar."
    Xander looked doubtful, "Why would she go there? First of all its a good-bye
note, which pretty much means she's going out of town. And if she wasn't going
out of
town, I doubt she'd go to his apartment. I mean, she always said she could
never go back
to that place, that it held too many painful memories."
    Willow should her head in certainty, "She said we were only things in this
world,
she sacrificed Angel so that we could live. Whatever drove her back her also
drove her
back to her duty. She won't let harm come to us, because then it would be like
she
sacrificed Angel for nothing. She'd never let that happen."
    Xander frowned, "OK, say she didn't leave town, why his apartment. Why flee
back to bad memories?"
    "Because," Willow explained patiently, "Its also the only place left where
she has
good memories. It'll make her feel like she still has a part of him that
hasn't lost yet, but it
will also never let her forget what she did to him. Its half punishment and
half comfort."
    Joyce put in firmly, "Then we go to Angel's."
    But Giles hesitated, "I'm not sure that would be entirely wise. In fact it
could cause
her to flee again."
    Joyce turned on him, eyes flashing. "That is my little girl. She belongs home
in her
bed, safe and sound. After three months of hell I have got her back, and I'll
be damned if
I'm going to lose her again" She snapped.
    Giles looked at her sadly, "Wouldn't it be wonderful if it were that simple.
If Buffy
were really just your little girl. But Joyce, your to have to face the fact
that she isn't just
your little girl anymore."
    She glared at him. "Of course," she said bitingly, "She's the Slayer. How
could I
forget?"
    "That's not what I'm talking about. Partially yes. She is the Slayer, and the
fate of
the entire world is resting on her little shoulders. But I was referring more
to the fact that
while Buffy was gone she grew up. She sent her true love to an eternity of
suffering, pain
and torture of such extremes you couldn't possibly imagine. She is the Slayer,
but she is
more than that. She is a girl with the emotional maturity and burden of an old
woman.
Destiny has decreed that she fight for world she does not love, leaving her no
other choice
or alternative but death. Because you missed her is no reason to upset the
already fragile
emotional balance she has spent the last two years of her life creating. If we
are to save
her, to get her back we are going to need all our powers of persuasion and
more."

        *        *        *        *

    Willow hushed the group as Giles picked silently away at the Angel's lock.
This
was their only chance. If Buffy was here and they scared her off she would
flee Sunnydale
permanently, and no amount of pleading would bring her back. If Buffy wasn't
there then
all hope was lost. A Slayer trained in the art of hiding in the shadows who
didn't want to
be found never would be.
    *Click* The door swung open soundlessly, inviting them in. Giles motioned
them
in, Willow in the lead while he brought up the rear. A faint murmur of relief
arose from the
group. There on the bed was their Slayer. Tear stains streaked her cheeks and
her golden
hair lay tousled on the pillow.
    "My poor baby." Joyce breathed.
    "I'm hardly a baby now am I?" Buffy said from the bed. Willow jumped, she had
thought that Buffy was sound asleep.
    They stood their dumbly in the middle of the room, not knowing what to say,
all
internally prepared speeches had flown straight out of their brains. Knowing
this was their
last chance no one was willing to say the wrong thing, each waiting for
someone else to
start.
    "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" Buffy teased humorously from the
bed.
"Why are you here, anyway? Come to rub salt in the wound? Well say 'I told
you' and
leave.
    Xander spread his hands in defeat. "We never meant to hurt you Buffy. If we
had
known..."
    Buffy jumped up angrily from the bed. "If you had known what Xander? You did
know. You knew and you didn't tell me."
    He paled. "If you had known you wouldn't have fought your all, and you would
have died. This had nothing to do with Angel and everything to do with you."
    "I know. Xander I know that you are too good a friend to let personal
feelings
affect you so terribly. And I know that you did the right thing." Her voice
had softened
but now regained its former steel. "Angel is not dead. Instead he will suffer
eternally for
my mistake. If you had known it wouldn't have made a difference."
    Willow stepped forward, "We love you Buffy, we want you to come home with
us."
    Buffy's eyes filled with tears. "I can't," she mumbled, "I can't leave here."
    Joyce shook her head in confusion, "What do you mean you have to stay here?
Come home, there's nothing here for you."
    Buffy shook her head stubbornly, "You were doing just fine without me. You
don't
need me in your life, screwing up you life, always putting you in danger."
    "We put ourselves in danger, Buffy. We do it for you. But its our choice, and
only
our choice." Xander argued gently.
    At this Giles, who until then had remained silent, spoke softly, "But that's
not why
you want to stay, is it Buffy?" His voice was gentle, understanding.
    Eyes filled with tears she shook her head. "No," she said in an almost
inaudible
voice.
    "You can't keep holding onto him. Angel is gone. I understand that it takes
time,
but eventually you will need to move on. Learn from him, honor his memory with
what he
would want. Would Angel want you living in his apartment in order to torture
yourself
with guilt?"
    Again the almost imperceptible "No"
    "Would Angel want you to spend your few remaining years in grief?"
    "No"
    "Would he blame you in anyway for what happened?"
    "He should." Her voice grew more defiant.
    "Would he?"
    Defiance gone, "No"
    "Will you come home with us?"
    "But Giles," The tears flew freely now, "I miss him so much. I can't think of
anything else. Its not getting easier with time, its getting harder!" Tears
had evolved into
full-fledged sobs.
    Giles crossed them room in a flash and held his shaking Slayer in his arms.
"It does
get easier with time, Buffy. I promise you it does. But you have to say good-
bye first. The
wound will never heal unless you let it."
    "But I don't want to let him go." She protested into his chest.
    "But you have to Buffy. Just as we all have to let go someday."
    "When I die will you forget me too?"
    Giles went rigid, not a soul in the room moved.
    "Moving on is not forgetting, Buffy," he managed to stumble out. "And I could
never forget you."
    "I love you Giles."
    He stroked her hair gently, "I love you too Buffy."

    *         *         *         *          *

    I walked into the mansion, my heart racing. I had to move on, Giles was
right. I
had a date, a guy at school named Scott asked me out. I had to let Angel rest,
I had to
move on with my life. Giles was also right when he said I only had a few years
left. Who
am I kidding? I'll be lucky if I have that. I am the Slayer, and I cannot
grieve for the
remainder of my life. I could get sloppy, grief does that, and shorten those
precious years
to less. I had come to say good-bye.
    I lay the claddaugh ring on the floor. I can't do this, my heart screams, I
can't
betray him again. But my head tells me that he would understand, that he would
want this.
I put the ring down, and said good-bye.
    Good-bye.

~Fin~

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1998 19:29:23 EST
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: The Sound of Silence (1/3)

Title: The Sound of Silence (1/3)
Author: Meg R-C
E-Mail: [e-mail]
Feedback: Pretty please with a cherry on top. But if its negative, can you add
something constructive to it? Please.
Spoilers: Alternate Ending to Dead Man's Party (The second episode of the
season, I'm not sure thats the actual name)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss Whedon and the WB own Buffy and gang, and REM
owns Losing My Religion. No copyright infringment intended.
Summary: Alternate ending to DMP. What if Buffy made it out of the house if
Willow hadn't caught her packing?


    I got outta that house as fast as my legs could carry me. I must have been
running for at
least an hour, duffel bag slapping against my legs, threatening to sweep my
feet out from
under me. I didn't have any specific place in mind, I just let my feet do the
deciding. God
knows how long it was before I finally stopped, tired and out of breath. I was
there, at his
apartment. I hadn't been back since he'd... since that morning. That awful
morning when
Angel died, and Angelus held my heart in the palm of his hand and broke it
into a million
pieces. Pieces that still lay crumbled on that floor.
    But staring at the door, I knew that was where I wanted to be. That was where
I
had to be. My feet hadn't brought me there accidentally, they knew that
whenever I got
too upset to think straight, that was the first place to go. It had become an
unconcious act,
when I was upset I ran to Angel. To Angel and his waiting arms, ready to
comfort me
whenever the world became too much to handle.  But he wouldn't be there today.
He
would never be there again. I'm so sorry, Angel, I miss you so much.
    I dropped immediately onto the bed, too exhausted emotionally and physically
to
do anything but dream and remember. Remember that night when he held me,
swearing his
undying love for me and saving me from the world and my duty, even if it was
for just one
night. One night out of hundreds that I wouldn't change or trade away for
anything else. I
remember the feeling of his arms around me, remember the feeling of being
absolutely
safe. Dreaming of unfulfilled wishes and voiceless wishes I fell into a deep
slumber.

    *            *            *            *

    Willow walked slowly up to Buffy's room, dreading the confrontation sure to
come, but too weary to avoid the unevidable any longer. She hadn't seen Buffy
in over an
hour, and now that most of the party guests were gone, she had finally come to
fetch
Buffy for the Talk.
    The Talk, the one that they all wanted avoid. But Willow knew that if they
all kept
silent, eventually it would become burried, like everything else they had left
unsaid. Buffy
needed to understand what her leaving had done to them, and they needed to
know why
Buffy had felt that fleeing was her best bet. Once before they had all left it
hanging, when
Angel turned and Jenny died the wounds were covered but never healed, and
quiet
hostilities had raged between them. Willow was determined to see that not
happen again.
    But when she entered Buffy's room a pit settled at the bottom of her stomach
as
she looked at the clothing strewn out on the bed, so many outfits missing, and
the white
envelope sitting on the bed. The dejavu was overwhelming, and Willow shivered
in the
sweaty party heat.
    She scooped up the letter and fled down the stairs, knowing full well what
she
would find written inside.

    *            *            *            *

    "Giles!" Willow's voice echoed throughout the now almost deserted house, the
Slayerettes, Giles, and Joyce being the only people left for cleanup.
    "Giles!"
    He appeared in front of her, "What Willow?" Annoyed that she had been yelling
so
loudly.
    "Buffy's..." Willow couldn't say it. If she said it, then was true. Denial
was truly a
beautiful thing. It gotten them through the last three months, no reason it
shouldn't help
her now.
    "What?! Is something wrong? Where is she?" His was panicked, terrified.
    "I don't know." Willow mumbled.
    By then the rest of the gang had gathered. "Don't what Willow?" Xander voice
was shaky. They couldn't lose her again. They couldn't handle it.
    "I don't know where she is. She's gone. She left a note."
    Stunned silence followed as Willow ripped open the envelope and began to
read.

Dear Everyone~
    I'm sorry I came home, I'm sorry I hurt you so much that you can't even look
me in
the eye. Can't even stand to be around me without and entire party of people
as a backup
distraction. I know I shouldn't have come back, you were better off without
me. I thank
you for being kind enough to pretend that you wanted me back, and I'm sorry to
have put
you through that. I was selfish though, I needed something that I couldn't
have. I love you
all very much, and I will always be here, protecting and serving my duty.
    I know you want to know what happened that night. Angelus pulled the sword,
and opened a vortex that only his blood could close. But Willow, you brilliant
sweet
friend, you brought Angel back to me. It was more than I ever deserved, that
moment
with him. But duty calls, duty calls. You all would have been so proud. I sent
Angel to
Hell. He closed his eyes, so trusting, with no memories of Angelus's deeds. I
kissed him,
told him I loved him, he told me he loved me, and then I ran him through,
sealing the
vortex. I betrayed my only love for a world that has yet to prove its worth.
    There is no greater gift that I can give to you. Angel and I will suffer in
our eternal
Hell's so that you may enjoy your lives. I sacrificed him for you, to me there
is nothing else
in this world. My only regret is that when Angel, with my betrayal deep in his
eyes,
reached for me, I did not take his hand. At least then in that Hell we would
be together.
                        Love Always,
                            The Slayer

    Silence. Loud oppressive silence. No one stirred, each lost in their own
private
thoughts on the cruel trick fate had played on their beloved friend.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1998 19:36:49 EST
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: The Sound of Silence (1/2)

OK, I'm really sorry to send this twice. But the last time I sent it I forgot
to run spell check. I thought I had, but I hadn't. So sorry, but this is the
real one.
~Meg



Title: The Sound of Silence (1/2)
 Author: Meg R-C
 E-Mail: [e-mail]
 Feedback: Pretty please with a cherry on top. But if its negative, can you
add something constructive to it? Please.
 Spoilers: Alternate Ending to Dead Man's Party (The second episode of the
season, I'm not sure that's the actual name)
 Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss Whedon and the WB own Buffy and gang, and REM
owns Losing My Religion. No copyright infringement intended.
 Summary: Alternate ending to DMP. What if Buffy made it out of the house if
Willow hadn't caught her packing?


     I got outta that house as fast as my legs could carry me. I must have been
running for at
 least an hour, duffel bag slapping against my legs, threatening to sweep my
feet out from
 under me. I didn't have any specific place in mind, I just let my feet do the
deciding. God
 knows how long it was before I finally stopped, tired and out of breath. I
was there, at his
 apartment. I hadn't been back since he'd... since that morning. That awful
morning when
 Angel died, and Angelus held my heart in the palm of his hand and broke it
into a million
 pieces. Pieces that still lay crumbled on that floor.
     But staring at the door, I knew that was where I wanted to be. That was
where I
 had to be. My feet hadn't brought me there accidentally, they knew that
whenever I got
 too upset to think straight, that was the first place to go. It had become an
unconscious act,
 when I was upset I ran to Angel. To Angel and his waiting arms, ready to
comfort me
 whenever the world became too much to handle.  But he wouldn't be there
today. He
 would never be there again. I'm so sorry, Angel, I miss you so much.
     I dropped immediately onto the bed, too exhausted emotionally and physically
to
 do anything but dream and remember. Remember that night when he held me,
swearing his
 undying love for me and saving me from the world and my duty, even if it was
for just one
 night. One night out of hundreds that I wouldn't change or trade away for
anything else. I
 remember the feeling of his arms around me, remember the feeling of being
absolutely
 safe. Dreaming of unfulfilled wishes and voiceless wishes I fell into a deep
slumber.

     *            *            *            *

     Willow walked slowly up to Buffy's room, dreading the confrontation sure to
 come, but too weary to avoid the inevitable any longer. She hadn't seen Buffy
in over an
 hour, and now that most of the party guests were gone, she had finally come
to fetch
 Buffy for the Talk.
     The Talk, the one that they all wanted avoid. But Willow knew that if they
all kept
 silent, eventually it would become buried, like everything else they had left
unsaid. Buffy
 needed to understand what her leaving had done to them, and they needed to
know why
 Buffy had felt that fleeing was her best bet. Once before they had all left
it hanging, when
 Angel turned and Jenny died the wounds were covered but never healed, and
quiet
 hostilities had raged between them. Willow was determined to see that not
happen again.
     But when she entered Buffy's room a pit settled at the bottom of her stomach
as
 she looked at the clothing strewn out on the bed, so many outfits missing,
and the white
 envelope sitting on the bed. The dejavu was overwhelming, and Willow shivered
in the
 sweaty party heat.
     She scooped up the letter and fled down the stairs, knowing full well what
she
 would find written inside.

     *            *            *            *

     "Giles!" Willow's voice echoed throughout the now almost deserted house, the
 Slayerettes, Giles, and Joyce being the only people left for cleanup.
     "Giles!"
     He appeared in front of her, "What Willow?" Annoyed that she had been
yelling so
 loudly.
     "Buffy's..." Willow couldn't say it. If she said it, then was true. Denial
was truly a
 beautiful thing. It gotten them through the last three months, no reason it
shouldn't help
 her now.
     "What?! Is something wrong? Where is she?" His was panicked, terrified.
     "I don't know." Willow mumbled.
     By then the rest of the gang had gathered. "Don't what Willow?" Xander voice
 was shaky. They couldn't lose her again. They couldn't handle it.
     "I don't know where she is. She's gone. She left a note."
     Stunned silence followed as Willow ripped open the envelope and began to
read.

 Dear Everyone~
     I'm sorry I came home, I'm sorry I hurt you so much that you can't even look
me in
 the eye. Can't even stand to be around me without and entire party of people
as a backup
 distraction. I know I shouldn't have come back, you were better off without
me. I thank
 you for being kind enough to pretend that you wanted me back, and I'm sorry
to have put
 you through that. I was selfish though, I needed something that I couldn't
have. I love you
 all very much, and I will always be here, protecting and serving my duty.
     I know you want to know what happened that night. Angelus pulled the sword,
 and opened a vortex that only his blood could close. But Willow, you
brilliant sweet
 friend, you brought Angel back to me. It was more than I ever deserved, that
moment
 with him. But duty calls, duty calls. You all would have been so proud. I
sent Angel to
 Hell. He closed his eyes, so trusting, with no memories of Angelus's deeds. I
kissed him,
 told him I loved him, he told me he loved me, and then I ran him through,
sealing the
 vortex. I betrayed my only love for a world that has yet to prove its worth.
     There is no greater gift that I can give to you. Angel and I will suffer in
our eternal
 Hell's so that you may enjoy your lives. I sacrificed him for you, to me
there is nothing else
 in this world. My only regret is that when Angel, with my betrayal deep in
his eyes,
 reached for me, I did not take his hand. At least then in that Hell we would
be together.
                         Love Always,
                             The Slayer

     Silence. Loud oppressive silence. No one stirred, each lost in their own
private
 thoughts on the cruel trick fate had played on their beloved friend.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1998 23:03:35 EST
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Losing You (17/20)

TITLE: Losing You
AUTHOR: Danielle Loughlin
E-MAIL: [e-mail]
DISTRIBUTION: My site, those I gave permission to. Otherwise, please ask. I'll
say yes, I just like to know where it's going.
SUMMARY: Willow/Xander story with vampiric twist.
SPOILERS: Sort of through F,H&T, just on the basis that Faith exists
RATING: PG-13.
DISCLAIMER: Buffy & Co. are Joss & Co's. No copyright infringement intended.

Losing You (17/20)
earlier parts can be found at http://members.aol.com/danilynn27/fanfic.htm



"How did you get in here?" Xander demanded, stepping slightly in front of
Willow.

Spike held up a small "Welcome" sign. "Landlord of this apartment complex
extended us a lovely invitation. We just had to take her up on it, to be
polite, you know."

"Get out," Xander said.

"Get out? Is that any way to speak to your fellow vampires? You *are* one of
us now, you are aware?" Spike replied with a sarcastic edge.

"Spike?" a voice came from outside.

"Come in, luv, it's safe," Spike said. Drusilla stepped into the room. "Oh,
and Xander. Brought you your sire."

Dru stepped towards Xander and Willow. "You've been a very bad playmate. You
left to prepare for the party and you never came back. Naughty, naughty." She
turned towards Willow. "And you. You're the girl who stole my playmate."

Before Willow knew what had happened Drusilla had slapped Willow hard across
the face. The force of the impact knocked her away from Xander and sent her
reeling backwards.

Xander moved to catch her before she fell but Spike stepped in between,
grabbing Willow and brandishing a stake dangerously close to the girl's heart.
"One wrong move, mate, and I dust your girlfriend."

Xander froze. Willow stared at him helplessly, trapped by Spike's grip. Her
cheek was already bruising from Drusilla's slap. "Why are you here, Spike?"
Xander asked, trying to buy Willow time.

"Same reason I always come. You see, my ultimate goal is to destroy the
slayer. To destroy the slayer, it's usually not a bad idea to destroy her
friends. I thought I had you done for, but your friends did that bloody curse.
There went my plan of forcing the slayer to kill her own friends. Although,
why I thought she'd do it, I have no idea, she never could kill Angelus,"
Spike explained. "It's was just an idea I fancied."

Xander kept a careful eye on Drusilla while Spike talked. He'd learned the
hard way not to forget about her. The mad vampiress stood off to the side,
eagerly watching Spike, waiting, watching for events to unfold.

"Well, that idea didn't pan out," Spike continued. "So I just decided I'd have
to do this the hard way."

In a sudden move, Spike flung Willow aside, sending her careening into the
wall. Xander heard the crack as Willow's skull hit the wood and she slumped to
the floor, unconscious.

"I'll just have to kill you myself," Spike finished.

"Ooh. Fighting," Drusilla cooed. She moved towards Willow, prepared to ward
off any attempt Xander made at reaching her.

"It's just you and me, pal," Spike said.

Xander swallowed. Spike was older, faster, and plus he had the distinct
advantage of having a stake on him. Xander knew he didn't stand much of a
chance unless some sort of slayer-type help miraculously arrived. But at this
point, he didn't really care.

Xander lunged for Spike, catching the vampire master unaware and dragging him
down to the floor. He managed to get one or two direct punches off until Spike
easily threw him off and stood up. Xander scrambled to his feet. Spike swung,
his fist connecting with Xander's jaw. In anger, Xander felt his face morph
into its vampiric visage. Spike's face mirrored his own.

The two vampires traded punches, kicks, throws. But as valiantly as Xander
fought, it was clear Spike had the advantage. Spike drew back for a final
solid punch, and delivered, sending Xander sprawling across the floor and
slamming into the wall. Spike quickly moved, grabbing Xander's neck and
trapping the boy.

"Well, that certainly got my appetite worked up," Spike commented. "Fun while
it lasted. You tried. It was good of you. But in the end . . it all ends the
same way."

Frantic, Xander looked across the room at Willow. She was coming out of it,
staggering to her feet. Their eyes met and locked. "No," Willow managed to
say, starting to run towards Xander, to stop Spike. But Drusilla grabbed her,
held her back.

"No, no," Drusilla scolded. "You don't get to play. You only get to watch."
Willow fought against Drusilla, her eyes never leaving Xander's.

Xander fought madly against Spike. But he was losing. "Willow, I love you!" he
managed to scream out.

"No!" Willow screamed.

But it was too late. Spike swung the stake, and his aim was true.

To Willow's horror, Xander crumbled to dust before her eyes.

------------------------------

End of buffyfic-digest V2 #370
******************************

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