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buffyfic-digest          Friday, July 3 1998          Volume 02 : Number 256



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: The Key (1/1)
       BUFFYFIC: Walking In Fear, Looking (1/1)
       BUFFYFIC: Chronicles (19/?)
       BUFFYFIC: Somewhere I Have Never Traveled (1/1)
       BUFFYFIC: A Light in the Darkness 1/1 by Dreamscape205

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 20:53:42 EDT
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: The Key (1/1)

Title:  The Key (1/1)
Author: Nastassia
Email Addy: [e-mail] (Everybody who has my stuff archived, my email
addy has changed. It's no longer [e-mail])
Rating: PG-13 for language
Spoiler: This is pre-Becoming so I'd say probably I Only Have Eyes For You
Feedback: Please please please!
Distribution: Maybe if you ask nicely.
Disclaimer: Spike, Drusilla, and Angelus belong to Joss. The song "Circle"
belongs to Sarah McLachlan. I'll give them back once I'm done playing.
Summary: Spike reflects on how screwed up his relationship with Dru is.


This is the first story in a Post-Becoming series I'm writing. Thanks a
million to Rachel who sort of forced me to get my butt in gear and actually
write, and then boosted my ego big time by actually liking it! Love ya, Rach!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Key (1/1)
by Nastassia

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


        There are two of us talking in circles
        And one of us who wants to leave


She's with him again.

MY Dru is out hunting with Angelus for the third night this week. He's the one
she's turning to now, poor old crippled Spike doesn't cut it anymore. Maybe if
I tell her-

No.

No, if I tell Dru I lose whatever tiny advantage I have. "Bloody hell," I
growled, "Do I mean so fucking little to her?"


        In a world created for only us
        An empty cage that has no key


I hate this mansion. The warehouse was fine. I actually liked the warehouse,
but not this place. Before Angelus was a guest in MY home. Now, I'm a guest in
his.

I stalked through the indoor garden towards the door to the outside. My foot
connected with the side of that damned wheelchair and sent it rolling. I
pushed the door open and inhaled the cool night air. It was quiet, a rarity in
Sunnydale, and the night was still. Good.

I continued down the street, slipping unseen through the graveyard. "Last
thing I need is for Angelus to see me." I briefly considered going to that
club the Slayer's always at, but decided against it. All I wanted right now
was to be alone.

So I went to Angel's old apartment. He hasn't been there since the change and
there's no chance in hell that the Slayer will show up.

I sat down on the edge of Angel's bed, idly noting the thick coat of dust that
covered everything. I had a choice to make, and it had to be made tonight. Do
I stay or not?


        Don't you know we're working with flesh and blood
        Carving out of jealousy


Did you want to make me jealous that much, pet? Is your precious Angel worth
it? Is a century long relationship so cheap that you'll throw it away for the
guy who drove you crazy, then abandoned you?

She wasn't always like this. I hate myself for feeling this way, but I wish
things were back the way they were when Dru was still sick. She needed me
then. She needed me to tell her everything would be all right, that I wouldn't
let anyone hurt her. She loved me then, and I loved her.

Everything was so easy before we decided to visit old Sunnyhell. My Dark Queen
was happy. Whether we were in Prague or Spain or London we were happy. Life
was an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet and we were always hungry.

I wish we'd never heard of the Hellmouth or this godforsaken town. Dru was
weak, but she didn't care. She was happy with her dolls, her dolls and me. Dru
didn't give a damn about Angel then. He didn't occupy her every thought, no
matter how insane, like he does now. My Dru is gone. She's his Dru now.


        Crawling into each other it's smothering
        Every little part of me


God, I can't believe how fucking pathetic I sound. What happened to William
the Bloody? Dru has me as whipped as Angel's pet Slayer had him.

But I don't care.

Dru was everything to me, and now she treats me like we barely know each
other, and Angelus uses every oportunity he has to rub it in my face that
Drusilla is his now. The bastard doesn't even really care about her. She was
just an obsession of his.

His real passion is for the Slayer. Not that I can blame him for that, she's a
hell of a lot better looking then the last Slayer, and smarter too. I actually
enjoy fighting her. Buffy has real skill and intelligence, and being around
someone who isn't insane is nice once in awhile.

Christ, now I'm getting sentimental over the bloody Slayer! This is just
wrong, but I bet Buffy wouldn't cheat on Angel. She's not the type, but, lucky
me, Dru is.


        What kind of love is this that keeps me hanging on
        Despite everything it's doing to me
        What is this love that keeps me coming back for more
        When it will only end in misery


I don't even really know why I stay with Dru. Probably because she's all I
know. We've been together for a century, and now I don't know how to live my
life without her. Drusilla's like a drug to me, and I don't know if I can
handle the withdrawl. Knowing my luck lately it would kill me.


        I know too many people unhappy
        In a life from which they'd love to flee


I despise what my life has become. Instead of Dru's lover I'm her faithful
dog. No matter how much she kicks me around I always come back for more. Too
blind and too stupid to know to run away.

Darla would laugh in my face if she saw me now. At least with her there were
never any false pretenses of love and loyalty. If she saw me now she'd tell me
I was weak and pathetic, and, the truth is, she'd be right.


        Watching others get everything offered
        They're wanton for discovery


I wonder why I even bother trying to get Dru back, but I know the answer to
that question at least. I love her. It's as simple as that. I love her, and I
don't know how I could go on living without her. So I'll crawl back to that
mansion like the faithful, stupid dog I seem to be turning into and watch as
Angelus continues to steal the only thing that matters to me. At least for
another day.


        Oh my brother my sister my mother
        You're loosing your identity


I don't know who I am anymore, but I hardly care. In a few days I'll seize my
chance and wipe that smirk off Angelus' face for good. I'm going to make him
pay for this. I don't give a damn if I die trying, but I will teach Angelus
that I'm not someone to fuck with.


        Can't you see that it's you in the window
        Shining with intensity


I'll rip his heart out and give it to Dru, since she seemed to like the one he
gave her for Valentine's Day so much. Let her have the heart of her precious
Angel.


        What kind of love is this that keeps me hanging on
        Despite everything it's doing to me
        What is this love that keeps me coming back for more
        When it will only end in misery...


I know it probably won't end that way, but I have to try. Because, God curse
me...

...I love her.

*END*
Questions, comments, flaming stakes, or leather trenchcoats can be sent to me
at [e-mail]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 20:56:12 EDT
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Walking In Fear, Looking (1/1)

Title: Walking In Fear, Looking (1/1)---Poem
Author: Nastassia
Email Addy: [e-mail]
Rating: PG
Spoiler: Suprise & Innocence
Feedback: Don't make me beg!
Distribution: If you ask nicely. <G>
Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel/Angelus belong to Joss.
Summary: It's a poem, not a novel. You'll figure it out when you read it.

- ---------------------
For our creative writing exam we were given several topics that we had to
write poems on. This was my favorite. This is the first of five BtVS related
poems I wrote. (Too bad my teacher's never seen the show. I might have gotten
extra credit......)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Walking In Fear, Looking (1/1)
by Nastassia
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He's here
I can feel it
No more safety
I lost it all
Because of one night

He's watching me
Again
He wants to make me pay
For making him feel human

I see him now
And feel the familiar rush
I always did
Until now

I remind myself this is not him
The man I love is here
"Hello lover"
No more


Questions, comments, flaming stakes, or A+ exams can be sent to
[e-mail]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 19:27:04 -0700
From: [e-mail] (Charity C. T.)
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Chronicles (19/?)

TITLE: Chronicles of the White Knight #19 I'll Stand By You
AUTHOR: Taygeta
E-MAIL: [e-mail]
FEEDBACK:  Please with a cherry on top!
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just tell me first.
RATING: PG
KEYWORDS: Buffy/Xander fanfic
DISCLAIMER:  The characters any such reference to Buffy the Vampire
Slayer television series belong to their creator, Joss Whedon, and their
owners, Mutant Enemy productions, Kuzui Productions, Sanddollar
Productions, and 20th Century Fox. In other words, they do not belong to
me.  Copyright infringement not intended.

*****************************
Chronicles of the White Knight
#19 I'll Stand By You
By: Taygeta

    "According to this listà" Willow began to read from a printed
handout in her hand.

    Oz frowned as he noticed Xander walking out of the library doors
and so he automatically glanced at Buffy.  She looked up at Xander
quickly, chewing on her lower lip, and then her eyes fell dejectedly to
the floor.  Despite what his girlfriend had said about Xander agreeing to
the curse, he was beginning to think otherwise, and as he looked at
Buffy, he was wondering if she was doing the same.

    With a sigh, he stood up and approached Willow who had stopped
reading for a moment while Giles went into the office to get an Orb of
Thesula, which he had been using for a paperweight.  He tapped her
shoulder and moved his head in the direction that the other male
slayerette had gone.  She smiled warmly, squeezed the hand that rested on
her shoulder, and nodded before she started again to read the list, "And
besides that we needà"

     The door slammed loudly behind him and he saw Xander leaning on
a wall of the empty school hallway, "Hey."

    Xander looked up and gave him a half-smile, "Hey, what are you
doing out here?"

    "Funnyàwas just about to ask you the same thing," Oz replied as
he approached him and leaned against the opposite wall, "I'm guessin'
you're not with this whole curse thing."

    "Ya think?" he replied sardonically, "Look, I appreciate the
effort of my best bud's guy to give me a pep talk, but I'd rather not."

    "Look Xander, I may not be the world's expert on girlsàwellàme
and every other guy on this planet, but I'm thinkin' it would be in your
best interest to go and have a talk with Buffy," he said.  "I know you
told her that you were okay with this, but you're obviously not, and as
far as I can tell, you're only going along with this because you don't
want to hurt her."

    "Of course I don't want to hurt her, Ozàshe'sàshe'sà" he said and
paused before continuing softly, "she's everything to me, and I don'tàI
don'tà"

    "No need to elaborate, I know the feeling," he said with a grin
as he thought about Willow, "but you can't go along in life not
expressing what you think is rightàI mean, think of how I would look if I
went about satisfying the status quo?  No nail polish that's for sure.
I'm not saying that if you tell her how you feel it's going to change her
mind about anything, but at least she'll *know, * y'know?"

    "UmàOzàWillow wants youàfor something," Buffy said as the door
closed behind her and she approached them.  Her eyes fixed totally on
Xander's face, although she was talking to Oz.

    "Sure," he said and very little conversation occurred until they
were sure he was in the library.

    "Iàuhàheard what you and Oz were talking about," she said, "I - I
thought you were okay with all of thisàI mean, I know you don't want
this, but you saidà"

    Xander took a deep breath, "I know what I said and I am okay with
thisàsort of.  Angel and I, let's just say that we've exchanged very
little words - wouldn't even amount to one conversation - over the time
he was hanging with us.  But in those words, we found out how much both
of usàloved you, and in finding that outàwe hated each other even more
when we didn't say anything at all.  Then when he turned to the other
side, that hate grew with every time he attacked usàand whenever he hurt
youàhe hurt me.  I don't want to give Angelus a reward for killing Miss
CalendaràI don't want to give him a new lease on life for doing what he
did to us.  Angel diedàBuffyàlong before we even knew himàthat was his
death.  If you ask me, he's had plenty of chances at life, and knowing
youàhaving the chance to love youàhaving the chance for you to love him
backà was probably the best of all.  I knowàI can relate, and maybe
that's what I'm afraid ofàmaybe in the back of my mindàand somewhere in
this mortal heart of mineàthat's what I'm afraid of.  That maybe if he
found so much in you, then you might have found a lot in him àmore than
you'll ever find in meà just Xander, class clown extraordinare."

    She looked into his eyes and blinked in surprised and sighed,
"How can you possibly think that?  You and Angel areàdifferent.  I could
never in my life compare you two.  I have to say, though, that he's very
special to me, still, and maybe I still love himàjust not the way I did
before.  But youàyou're not *just* Xanderàyou're more than that - more
than you can possibly imagine - to me.  I love you."

    He had to smile, no matter how many times those words came from
her, he could not believe that they were for him.  "And I love you, but
beyond that, no matter how strongly I feel about you, there's this part
of me that doesn't know whether I'm going to be able to handle itàhaving
Angel back, standing there and watching while you give him back his soul-
"

    "Xanderàwhat are you - " she began as her eyes looked at him
worriedly.

    He smiled and the expression faded with each of his words, "But
there's a stronger part of me still that will do anything to make you
happy, anything to see you smile.  I understand Buffy, and even if I
didn'tàI'll still stand by you."

*******************
End of Part 19.  Feedback?!

_____________________________________________________________________
You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 22:40:01 -0600
From: "Christina" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Somewhere I Have Never Traveled (1/1)

This story is already archived on the Sunnydale Slayers Site, at
http://www.enteract.com/~perridox/SunS, but I never got around to posting
it to the list --- and now that the 'zine in which it appears has been
published for over a month, I thought I'd  send it out. If you want a
copy of the Sunnydale Slayers 'zine, contact Maureen  ( [e-mail] )
for ordering information.

Feedback would be appreciated at [e-mail] ; distribution
is free as long as the author's name is attached.  A Giles & Jenny story,
set after "Passion". No violence, some angst.

The characters and Sunnydale belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy
Productions, Kuzui Productions, Sanddollar Productions, and 20th Century
Fox.

Thanks to Dianne for the title, Perri, Lizbet and Abby for editing, and
Maureen for publishing it.

Somewhere I Have Never Traveled  (1/1)
by Christina Kamnikar
copyright 1998

I have an Orb of Thesulah now, as well as the final translation of the
ritual of Restoration.  The stone is smooth and slick in my hands,  much
lighter than it looks, and cool.  You would expect it to be warm with the
bright glow that's trapped inside--- but this Stone isn't lit by any
mundane fire. This flame is something special.

I could give Angel his soul back at any time.

I don't want to, though.

The police aren't filing charges; they said that there was enough
evidence of another person's involvement at the crime scene that I'm not
a suspect.  Something to be grateful for, except that Angelus wasn't
trying
to frame me for murder.  If that had been the point, I would be in a
holding cell
in the County jail waiting for a public defender to arrive.  He just
wanted
 to hurt, and he did that. He did that very well.

I can't think about finding... the body. I can't. I dream it, I dream of
leaving the school, finding the rose on the door... entering the house...
then walking into the bedroom, full of hopefulness and love, only to see
what Angelus had left instead.  When I'm awake, my mind protects me from
remembering too much, and as soon as I start to go back to that moment,
my attention veers somewhere else.  So every time I dream it, it's like
the first time again.  It isn't any kind of mercy.... Sometimes I dream
it's
me on that bed, instead. Those are the dreams I can stand to remember.

Trying to kill Angelus the way I did was a mistake.  I'm not sure I was
completely sane when I went to the factory; if I had been, I would have
been more careful.  I would have set fires at all the exits, then thrown
the Molotov cocktail into the main area, and waited for the vampires to
try to escape before shooting them with the crossbow, instead of taking
the direct approach. That would have been smarter than trying to
incinerate
him by hand.

But I wanted to hurt him.  I wanted to see him, to make him bleed, to
kill him myself---or maybe I _was_ hoping he'd kill me.  Praying I
wouldn't have to go on alone again....  I'm glad Buffy showed up when she
did.
I'd far rather see Angelus dead than give him the satisfaction of killing
me,
after all. And the only safety we'll ever know now will be after his
death.

Restoring his soul is out of the question. I don't hold a grudge against
Angel.  I'm still sad and sorry that he's gone.  But calling him back to
life wouldn't be any favor, after what the demon wearing his body has
done.  If Angel came back now, and had to face the results of Angelus's
actions, I'm not sure he could live with it.  He isn't responsible, and
he deserves his peace.  I won't force him to return.

And I'm not sure Buffy would want him back, either.  She's getting
reckless in her hunting; Willow and Xander and Cordelia and Oz are
 taking turns on patrol with her, afraid of what she'll do if she's left
alone. She won't go hunting with me.... She's taking this very, very
hard,
blaming herself, grieving in a way that's becoming more and more
self-destructive.

I wish I could say I don't blame her at all. Most of me
doesn't, and doesn't hate anyone except Angelus.  But there's a sliver
of my heart that does hate her for not killing him sooner. The same tiny
shard that wonders what I could have done to stop it, if there was some
way I could have known what Angelus had planned....

If I had been the one to buy the first Orb of Thesulah, Angelus would
have gone after me.  He couldn't stand even the barest hint that his soul
could  be restored. It was that threat that must have inspired him to
move from stalking to murder.

It should have been me.

I have another, better plan, in place of the one we had before.  I only
need one thing: a vessel.  An undamaged body to hold the spirit I've
summoned to the Orb. I can wait. I won't cause anyone else's death in
order to obtain what I need. But I am going to do this; Thesulah Stones
are difficult enough to find that I'm not going to waste one on Angel.
If it
works, we can do it again. Or not.

Something we'll decide later. After.

It's a selfish choice, I admit.  The Clan won't get it.  They prefer
revenge to restitution.  But I think Buffy will understand.  And I'm not
going to make her choose between Rupert and Angel, that's all there is to
it.

She needs Giles more. A Slayer without a Watcher is a terribly vulnerable
human being--- and if I can do this, if I can bring Giles back, it will
almost make up for losing Angel.

I would do it anyway, though.  I'm not letting Angelus win this one.  I
want Giles, damnit. I'm not going to lose him like this. Not after all
we've been through....

The light in the orb glows as if it understands me when I speak to it,
saying:  "Soon, Rupert.  Soon."

*
somewhere I have
never Traveled,
gladly beyond
any experience,
your eyes have their silence;
in your most
frail gesture
are things which enclose me,
on which
I cannot touch
because they
are too near.
            - e.e.cummings

*

Chris        Kiki    Chaos    }|{    [e-mail]

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 04 Jul 1998 00:47:15 -0400
From: dreamscape <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: A Light in the Darkness 1/1 by Dreamscape205

Title:            A Light in the Darkness 1/1
Author:        Dreamscape205 [e-mail]
Distribution: Please ask first
Feedback:   always
Type:          TB
Spoiler:        Becoming 1/2 WML2
Disclaimer:    Everything belongs to Joss, the WB, etc.  No
infringements intended

****************

She had been back in Sunnydale for almost a week.  Coming home
was the most difficult thing she had ever done in her life, but
she knew she was needed at home for more than vampire slayage.
Facing the nightmare she left behind would be arduous, however
she had to think about her family and friends.  And even if her
mom did tell her she could never come back if she left the house
that fateful night, Buffy knew she needed her.  As she walked
aimlessly through the town, she recalled the conversation they
had the day she arrived back in town.

"Mom," Buffy said quietly as she entered the kitchen and saw her
mother busy at the counter chopping vegetables.

Joyce dropped the knife she was holding onto the countertop and
turned slowly in the direction of the voice she knew she had to
be imagining.  "Buffy!  Is it really you?  Please tell me I'm not
just seeing things," she pleaded as the tears that threatened
overcame her.  She opened her arms wide to welcome her daughter.

Buffy smiled wide as she ran into her mother's arms,
"Promise...it's really me."

They hugged each other close until Joyce said, "Sweetheart...
uh...honey...I can't breathe."  Buffy pulled away and they both
laughed together.

"Sorry, mom, sometimes I don't know my own strength," she said
sheepishly.

"Well let me take a look at you," Joyce told her daughter as she
slowly circled the girl.  "You've lost weight.  Have you been
eating?  Are you okay?" she asked with concern.

"Yeah, I'm okay.  Really."  She lied.  She wasn't okay.  She
would never come to terms with the fact that she destroyed the
man she loved.  But to make things easier on those around her,
she had decided to put on a facade of happiness.

They talked for endless hours about where Buffy had gone, what
she had been up to, and how much they missed and loved each
other.   All in all, she was glad to be home.  Glad to see her
mom and her friends.  Joyce had called Giles during the afternoon
and invited him and the Scooby gang over for dinner to celebrate
her return.

She spent the next few days resting and visiting with her
friends.  They were more of a comfort to her than she realized
they would be and her love for them grew with each passing
moment.

Reality beckoned for her to return to the present and the Slayer
found herself walking down an empty street and was startled when
she realized where she had been headed without knowing what her
destination was.  She stared at the remnants of the church for
what seemed forever.  "He almost perished in that church," she
thought to herself as she began walking again.

Walking up to the rubble, she was amazed to see that the altar
still stood, undamaged by the flames that devastated the rest of
the building.  Finding a path to the altar, she approached it
hesitantly.

Reaching into the pocket of her jeans, she pulled out the
beautiful cross pendant she received from Angel.  Tears filled
her eyes as she clutched it to her bosom and looked Heavenward.
Falling to her knees, she brought the cross up to her forehead
and leaned forward, her head laid upon the foot of the altar.
She sobbed uncontrollably for a few minutes, her tears staining
what carpet remained after the fire.

Her tears spent for the time being, she looked towards the
Heaven. Remaining on her knees, once again she clutched the
pendant to her chest.  She had no idea what she was doing at this
place, but somehow it seemed appropriate.

"God," she began,  "hi...um...it's me...Buffy.  I know I haven't
been the best and most faithful person I can be, but I don't know
who else to talk to.  Since you know what has been happening, I
won't have to spell it all out for you.  The long and short of it
is that I'm asking for your help.  You're the only one who can.
It's Angel...you know...I sent him to hell.  I know it had to be
done...to save the world.  And, yes, I know he's
done some horrible things, but not when his soul was controlling
the demon."

She paused, bowing her head, then looked upward again.  The tears
had arrived again, but silently spilled from her eyes and slid
down her cheeks.  Speaking through them, she continued, "I know I
have no right to ask anything from you, but I have to.  I love
Angel.  And he didn't deserve the hand that was dealt him.  His
soul is good, he is good.  You know what he's done for me...for
all of us.  He had no control over the curse...he didn't know.
If he did, I know he never would have risked losing his soul, not
even for the chance to make love with me.  Please, you have to
help him.  I would gladly give my life for him, and I offer it to
you without hesitation.  PLEASE!"  she cried as she broke down
again and laid on the ground, hugging her knees to her chest.

She didn't know how long she laid like that when she felt
something touch her shoulder.  She sat up and looked around, but
saw nothing around her.  "Now I'm imagining things," she spoke
aloud to herself.

"Not at all," said a voice from behind her.

When she turned to look, all that was visible was a strange,
glowing light.  "What the...."

Out from the light stepped a figure that Buffy could not make
out, but it slowly came into focus as the light diminished.  As
the light faded, the voice said to them, "Love each other, that's
all I ask of you."

And the light was gone, leaving two figures alone in the church.
One figured stood looking down upon the other that was sitting at
the foot of the altar.  The figure that stood in front of Buffy
reached out a hand to help her stand.

Speechless, Buffy accepted the hand and slowly stood.  When they
stood face to face, she threw her arms around him, holding him
close, "Oh, my Angel...how I have missed you."

He pulled her from him and gazed into her beautiful eyes, "sshhh,
my darling.  We have a lifetime for words..." as he lowered his
head to hers and briefly kissed her lips.  "I love you," he
whispered, as his lips covered hers again...

------------------------------

End of buffyfic-digest V2 #256
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