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Internet Message Format | 1998-07-26 | 16KB

From: <[e-mail]>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #886
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1997 15:22:13 -0500 (EST)
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:44:58 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #886

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to [e-mail] with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to [e-mail] (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    886
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

881 133 votes  pEquc bwzzk 8hPCj 4kOCl 9nyGp 9qWv9 5kFPg adEDv 5mEHn 3rKFg
881  3.3 mean   2.7   3.2   3.3   3.4   3.4   3.0   3.4   3.5   3.4   3.3

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:45:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #886-01

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most greatly groovnicious and opalescent Oracle, tell me, your lowly
> dust bunny:
>
> The other day I showed someone something cool and she said, "Wow,
> that's the bee's knees."
>
> Bee's knees?
>
> What is THAT about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uncultured supplicant, have you never seen The Amazing Richard's
} Apoidean chorus line?
}
} The music!  The lights!  Those striped dresses!  What goes under those
} striped dresses!
}
} And you should see that thing they do with their stingers...oh
} man...er...
}
} <blush>
}
} You owe the Oracle a new microscope, a change of underwear, and a
} plausible excuse.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:45:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #886-02

Selected-By: Scott Forbes <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose storytelling skills outrank even those of the
> Great Story Master Qwerty of the Plains:
>
> Why is it that my best story ideas come at inconvenient times (i.e. in
> the middle of classes, in the middle of tests, at 2am when I'm trying
> to sleep, etc.)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's my law in action again.
}
} [Suddenly the door to the hallowed chamber of knowledge opens.  The
} Oracle steps through.]
}
} Oracle> Hey!  What are you doing at my terminal?  WHO ARE YOU?
}
} Other Guy> I'm Murphy.
}
} Oracle> YOU SEE THE SIGN ON THAT CHAIR?  It says THE INTERNET ORACLE,
} and NOT "MURPHY".
}
} Murphy> Actually, it says Usenet Oracle.
}
} Oracle> Yeah, well, I haven't had that changed yet, but it STILL
} doesn't say "MURPHY."
}
} Murphy> Well, let me explain....
}
} Oracle> Let ME explain!  The penalty for sitting on the INTERNET
} ORACLE...
}
} Murphy> Usenet Oracle
}
} Oracle> WHATEVER!  The penalty for sitting on MY chair is ...
}
} [Zadoc, having somehow quietly entered the room, tugs on the Oracle's
} shirt.]
}
} Oracle> NOW what?
}
} Zadoc> Oh magnifi-omniscient one, you can't zot him.
}
} Oracle> And just why not?
}
} Zadoc> Because chapter XLIV, paragraph XII of volume CMVII of the
} rules of being an oracle plainly states that you cannot zot people
} with laws named after them.  At least not the important laws.
}
} Oracle> WHAT?
}
} Zadoc> Almighty Oracle, whose shoes I'm unworthy to...
}
} Oracle> Just get to the point already.  I still want to zot this guy.
}
} Zadoc> Well, sir, it's right here.
}
} [Zadoc opens volume CMVII of being an oracle and points to the
} paragraph in question.]
}
} Oracle> Well, it seems you're right.  First for everything, I guess.
}
} [The Oracle turns back to Murphy who is grinning widely.]
}
} Oracle> You're not off the hook yet, Murphy.  You are going to train
} these woodchucks to chuck wood, just so I can finally get an answer
} to that infernal question.
}
} [Murphy's grin falls to a look of horror as he disappears.  The
} Internet Oracle sits in his chair, makes a mental note to fix the
} name on it, and looks at the supplicant's question as it currently
} appears.]
}
} Oracle> Best stories... inconvenient times, eh?
}
} [The Oracle cracks his knuckles as he prepares his wise answer....]
}
} Oracle> "Murphy's Law."
}
} You owe the Oracle a chair with "The Internet Oracle" across the
} back.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:45:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #886-03

Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh far sighted Oracle, who taught Nostradomus everything he knew;
>
> Is it true that the unfortunate "Macarena" dance craze sweeping the
> world is one of the signs of the coming of the Apocalypse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh sure, go ahead.  Humilliate me.  Tell everybody that Nostradomus
} was my high priest before Zadoc!  One too many ZOTs and the guy goes
} off the deep end.
}
} As for the Macarena signalling the Apocalypse, don't get your hopes
} up.  The whole thing was a mistake.  A 38-year-old woman from Miami
} was at a San Francisco disco one chilly evening.  She was pleading
} with the manager to turn up the heat.
}
} WOMAN: [holding out first one arm and then the other] Look at these
} goose bumps!  It's too cold!
}
} MANAGER: [arms crossed] No way.
}
} WOMAN: [placing hands on shoulders] But I'm FREEZING!!!
}
} MANAGER: Next time wear long sleeves.
}
} WOMAN: [placing hands on ears] The music's too loud too.  This place
} STINKS!
}
} MANAGER: So pay your bar tab and get out of here.
}
} WOMAN: [checking her back pockets] Oops, I must have left my wallet in
} the car.
}
} The other disco patrons, being, after all, disco patrons, mistook the
} woman's movements for a dance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 4000 volt electric slide.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:45:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #886-04

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What are the differences between ferrari and lamborghini?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ferrari are short, squiggly, and hollow.  They are traditionally served
} with steamed mussels and/or a light tomato-based sauce such as
} puttanesca. Lamborghini are long and flat, and require a longer cooking
} time.  They are best served with Alfredo sauce, or with a variety of
} hard grated and semisoft cheeses.
}
} You owe the Oracle information on which wine goes best with a Porsche.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:45:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #886-05

Selected-By: Mike Nolan <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When is the 1.3 patch for MOO2 gonna be released?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As soon as the cows come home.
}
} You owe the Oracle some.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:45:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #886-06

Selected-By: Mike Nolan <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is the most awsome car ever built?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are really only two contenders for this honor:  the Lotus driven
} by James Bond, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  Let's just compare the
} two:
}
} Lotus                           Chitty
}
} Flies through the air like a    Flies through the air like a
} rocket                          hot air balloon
}
} Submersible                     Floats
}
} Assorted offensive armament     Unarmed
}
} Attracts the attention of       Attracts the attention of
} beautiful women                 weird old men
}
} Keeps getting blown up and      A survivor
} rebuilt
}
} 450 horsepower                  8 litres
}
} Created by kooky inventor       Created by unemployed kooky
} employed by government          inventor
}
} Weaseley little electric horn   Big honker with a bulb you squeeze
}
} The last item is the one that decides it for me.  Chitty Chitty Bang
} Bang is the winner.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete works of Ian Fleming.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:45:12 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #886-07

Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is it, that some people just sends rubbish answers to the oracle?
> We are all here to have fun, aren we?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene - the secret headquarters of American Oracles Live. The most
}  devious and evil minds in the history of mankind are plotting yet more
}  chaos and bad stuff]
}
} Devious and Evil Mind 1: So, what plans do you have to devastate the
}                          Internet Community?
} Devious and Evil Mind 2: Take a look at this...
}
} [The two evil masterminds stroll into a large room full of Intel Inside
}  PC's with Windows 95 keyboards. At each sits an AOL user.]
}
} D&EM2: We've been training up these AOL users to intercept questions to
}        the Usenet Oracle.
} D&EM1: Egads, that's evil.
} D&EM2: Why, thankyou. Just look at this...
}
} [They interrupt one of the AOL users.]
}
} D&EM2: Tell me, what's your name?
} AOL user: 1 AM 3R1K, D00DZ.
} D&EM1: Amazing! He even *sounds* like one.
} D&EM2: And what question have you received from the Oracle, 3R1K?
} AOL user: 'Almighty Oracle, who knows the answers to all the mysteries
}            of the universe, even why they let Ringo sing, whatever
}            happened to the fifth Beatle?'
} D&EM1: And what answer are you going to give?
} AOL user: Y0U SUX!! B3ATL3Z SUXX!1 N1RVANA R00LZ!
} D&EM1: It's amazing...
} D&EM2: And that's not all. We're training them to ask questions as
}        well. 3R1K, ask the nice gentleman a question...
} AOL user: H0W MUCH W00D W0U1D A W00DCHUK CHUK 1F A W00DCHUK W0U1D
}           CHUK W000D?
} D&EM1: You know, I think we might be being just a little too deviant
}        and evil for our own good here.
} D&EM2: Don't worry, we can stop it any time we want...
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Devious and Evil Mind 1) an
} explanation of exactly *how* we can stop it.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:45:13 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #886-08

Selected-By: Scott Forbes <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Wise and Omniscent Oracle,
> What is the future of MSNBC on cable and on the internet
> (www.msnbc.com)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle runs his finger along a shelf filled with different sized
} crystal balls. After a few seconds his hand comes to a rest on a
} crystal ball marked "Microsoft." He picks it up and carefully places it
} on the desk in front of him.
}
} The Oracle waves his hands over the ball, which begins to emanate a
} mysterious red, green, blue, and yellow glow. After a few seconds a
} message comes into focus. Before we can read it, the Oracle hunches
} over the crystal ball, obscuring it completely. We can hear him tapping
} his fingers on the surface of the ball, as if using a virtual keyboard.
} As he taps his fingers, we can hear him whispering each letter to
} himself subconsciously: "O... R... A... C... L... E...." The Oracle
} pauses and mutters something about a password. A few more seconds go
} by. Suddenly his eyes light up and he begins tapping again. "L... I...
} S... A."
}
} The Oracle sits back, allowing us to see the crystal ball again. We see
} the familiar "MSNBC" logo emblazoned on its surface. The Oracle squints
} at the crystal ball, waves his hands over it in a futuristic way, and
} gives us a wink.
}
} The ball remains cloudly.
}
} The Oracle waves his hands over the ball again, this time a little more
} quickly. Still the ball remains cloudy.
}
} The Oracle waves his hands over the ball yet again, but this time
} without the fine motor control he exhibited the previous two times.
}
} Slowly a message appears out of the mist:
}
} "This crystal ball is no longer responding. You can continue to wait
} for it to respond, or wave your left hand over it to cancel it. If you
} cancel it, you will lose all unsaved visions."
}
} The Oracle gives the crystal ball a swift backhand, causing it to fly
} across the room and smash against the wall.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Magic 8-Ball with an RJ-45 jack and an Ethernet
} cable.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:45:14 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #886-09

Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Are you familiar with Double Dactyl poetry?  Can you write me some?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Higgledy piggledy,
} Mister Anonymous,
} What do you think this is,
} Some sort of test?
}
} Everyone knows that the
} Antepenultimate
} Line of a dactyl is
} Really the best.
}
}
} Rickety tickety,
} Oracle's Supplicant,
} I have now sent you a
} Perfect reply.
}
} Hexasyllabity
} Doesn't come cheaply, and
} Therefore you owe me a
} Blueberry pie.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 15 Feb 97 14:45:16 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #886-10

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ho oracle I need a favor from you.  Do you happen to have NASA's E mail
> address lying around anywhere.  Could you please look in your pile of
> trash and give it to me.
>
> Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see what I've got in this trash pile....'bout time i cleaned
} it up anyway.
} hmmmm.....
}  - a letter asking if I'd accept the nomination for President of the UOA
}    (United Oracles Alliance)...mental note - no
}  - a picture of me and Amelia Earhart taken during the week we spent in
}    Atlantis....mental note - burn this before Lisa finds it
}  - the scripts to all three Star Wars prequels...mental note - don't go
}    see them
}  - a map showing the location of all the left socks that have been
}    stolen out of dryers across the globe...mental note - go find my
}    other Garfield sock
}  - Richard Nixon's diaries from his years as President...mental note -
}    reread that part about his mental paranoia
}  - the CIA memo ordering the assasination of John F. Kennedy...mental
}    note - give to Oliver Stone
}  - the Windows 95 manual....mental note - buy a Mac
}  - an invitation to guest host Saturday Night Live...mental note - only
}    accept if they promise a time machine to take me back to the days
}    when the show was funny
}  - Nasa's email address: [e-mail]....mental note - probably
}    incorrect, look at website http://www.nasa.gov to get real ones.
}
} You owe the Oracle <incarnated as [e-mail]> a trash
} compactor.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #886
*****************************************