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oracularities-882
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1998-07-26
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From: <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #882
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 09:56:21 -0500 (EST)
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:31 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #882
To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
882
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
877 113 votes clxon auFq6 6uruk 7eEum 7gyvp 9blDx 9mAnn 8pzsh blRm6 akzmq
877 3.3 mean 3.2 2.9 3.2 3.4 3.5 3.7 3.3 3.2 2.9 3.3
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-01
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, mighty forecastor of the wind beneath my wings,
>
> I've learned that the superbowl is a good predictor of
> the stock market. If the NFC team wins there will be
> a bull market, and if the AFC team wins the market will be
> bear. This formula has been wrong only 4 times out of the
> 30 superbowls (I believe). Can you explain this phenomenon?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's like the other famous stock market predictor: women's hem lengths.
} When skirts are short, the market is bull; when they're long, it's
} bear.
}
} You'll know it's time to get out of the market when you see the AFC
} defensive line in long gowns.
}
} You owe the Oracle two 50-yard line tickets to Superbowl CLXXI.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-02
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@srv2.ic.net>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Waddya want from me!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Amusement, supplicant. Amusement.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-03
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> BINGO! See? I got B-17, I-12, N-59, G-20, and an O-82
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hmmm...
}
} B I N G O ?
} 17 12 59 20 82
}
} Good heavens! That's the chemical formula for Bigboomium! Zadoc! Take
} cover!
}
} ** KABLAAAAAAM! **
}
} Zadoc: Master are you alright?
} Oracle: Werm... herm... what? Of course I'm alright!
} Zadoc: What happened to the supplicant?
} Oracle: He's gone to that big bingo tumbler in the sky.
} Zadoc: Thank heavens I didn't try to verify his card.
} Oracle: Land sakes what a mess... Zadoc, get this cleaned
} up before Lisa gets home!
}
} You owe the Oracle a mop and a bottle of Mr. Klean.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-04
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> When will she stop snapping that gum?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I, the great and omniscient Oracle, have chewed on and digested your
} question. Ah, trifles make up the sum of human things! I refer you to
} Edmund Burke, who, in his Reflections on the Revolution in France,
} said:
}
} "Because half a dozen grasshoppers under a fern make the field ring
} with their importunate chink, whilst thousands of great cattle, reposed
} beneath the shadow of the British oak, chew the cud and are silent,
} pray do not imagine that those who make the noise are the only
} inhabitants of the field; that, of course, they are many in number; or
} that, after all, they are other than the little shriveled, meager,
} hopping, though loud and troublesome insects of the hour."
}
} Bring a cow into your living room and you will cease to notice the gum
} chewer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stickier question.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:42 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-05
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is the future of Social Security?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Feb 1997 - Pres. Clinton appoints bipartisan commision with the mandate
} to reform US social security.
}
} Aug 1997 - Commision reports initial findings, splits more or less
} along party lines as to the remedy for the situation.
}
} Oct 1997 - Committee meets in effort to break deadlock. Factions agree
} that the severity of the problem merits a reexamination of
} old political thinking.
}
} Dec 1997 - Citizens' coalitions launch Christmas ad campaign
} highlighting the cost that current social security practices
} will have on our children. Public pressure for a solution
} grows.
}
} Feb 1998 - Print and electronic media concentrate on social security
} reform and other reforms made possible by this new public
} committment. Lawmakers begin to hammer out proposals.
}
} May 1998 - Series of public hearings held in which lawmakers, media,
} political groups, and academics present and explain the
} proposals for change.
}
} Nov 1998 - Success of public hearings spurs legislators to find a
} solution, and provide a clear mandate for change, helping to
} break obstructionism and fearmongering by established
} interests.
}
} Jan 1999 - Legislators begin drafting the final version of the new
} social security bill. The new system is expected to become
} a model of compassionate and affordable assistance for the
} rest of the world.
}
} Jun 1999 - House and Senate meet in unprecedented effort to hammer out
} differences and fix problems highlighted by public debate.
} "Pork barrel" amendments are banned. Both sides work to
} bring plan in under budget with more services.
}
} Aug 1999 - Bill nears final passage. American public applauds elected
} representatives who put aside personal political interests
} to save the future.
}
} Sep 1999 - Nobel committe announces rare group prize in Economics
} awarded to the legislative and executive branches of the US
} government.
}
} Dec 1999 - As one of his final major acts in office, president Clinton
} signs the historic Social Security reform bill. For perhaps
} the first time since the founding of the republic, all
} citizens are united in common cause, politicians work for
} the common good, the public is involved and informed in
} political matters, corruption and inertia are overcome and a
} major problem threatening the future of the country is
} overcome with intelligence, honesty and hard work.
}
} Jan 2000 - Hell freezes over.
}
} You owe the oracle a subscription to George.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-06
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Please zot me.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Foolish supplicant, you would dare make a request of the
} oracle without grovelling, who do you think you are? As
} if I didn't already know. For that you shall be z...um...
} wait a second. If I zot you, you'll receive what you
} requested, thereby receiving a request without proper
} grovelling, but since you did not grovel, I am supposed
} to zot you. But I can not zot you even though I have
} to zot you. Damn, {Yelling} Zadoc, get in here."
}
} <<Zadoc shuffles into the room.>>
}
} "Zadoc, this foolish mortal has requested that I zot him."
}
} Zadoc: "Then zot him."
}
} "But he did not grovel."
}
} Zadoc: "Then zot him."
}
} "I can't zot him because if I zot him, I'll be doing what he
} wants."
}
} Zadoc: "Then don't zot him."
}
} "But I have to zot him, since he didn't grovel."
}
} Zadoc: "Then zot him."
}
} "I can't"
}
} Zadoc: "Then don't"
}
} <<This continues for an hour or so>>
}
} Zadoc: "Master, you must zot him, but you should not zot him."
}
} "What if I zot you?"
}
} Zadoc: "Then you still haven't solved the problem with the
} supplicant"
}
} <<The oracle aims the ZOT staff at Zadoc>>
}
} ********Z O T********
}
} Zadoc: "OWWWWWW!! What did that solve?"
}
} "I feel better."
}
} Zadoc: "But what are you going to do to the supplicant?"
}
} ********Z O T********
}
} Zadoc: "OWWWWWWW!!! What was that for?"
}
} "It's helping me think."
}
} ********Z O T********
} ********Z O T********
} ********Z O T********
} ********Z O T********
}
} Zadoc: "I'm leaving, I'm tired of you always Zotting me when
} you should ZOT the supplicant."
}
} ********Z O T********
}
} "Oh, sorry, that was reflex. I think I'll let the supplicant, oh
} wait! I've got it, Zadoc, you ZOT him!!"
}
} Zadoc: "ME?!?! You don't ever let me touch the ZOT staff."
}
} "If you ZOT him, he won't get what he wants, and he'll get zotted
} as appropriate!"
}
} <<Zadoc walks over to pick up the legendary ZOT staff>>
}
} Zadoc: "This is heavy"
}
} "OK, point it at the screen...no...no...aim at the screen...the
} computer...ZADOC...WATCH OUT!!"
}
} <<Zadoc begins firing at random ZOT's at the oracle's cat, Delphi>>
}
} ********Z O T********
}
} Delphi: "MMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWW"
}
} "Now look what you...give me that...why do I keep you around? Oh
} yes, I remember."
}
} ********Z O T********
}
} Zadoc: "Ow. I guess I deserved that."
}
} <<The Oracle hauls off and smacks Zadoc with the staff who falls
} unconscious on the floor>>
}
} "Dumb sh**, oh well supplicant, I guess that you get away with not
} grovelling this time, but don't let it happen again."
}
} You owe the oracle a new, unbent, ZOT staff
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-07
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh wise Oracle, a SWAT team, an army, a navy, and a marine
> force in one deity, your humble assistant asks for your
> participation in this mission:
>
> Every minute in this world, a woman has a baby.
>
> We must find her and stop her.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} it is a mission worthy of oracular support. my contribution will be my
} logbook, from which you will learn, if you read my entries of 9 months
} ago, the identity of that woman.
}
} you owe the oracle your turn for the 3 a.m. feeding
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-08
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> OhOraclemostwise,whydoesn'tthespacebarworkonmykeyboard?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You have contracted a particularly despicable virus. The worst
} featureof thisvirusisthatitistransmittedviaplaintextemails.
}
} Ohsodit.Nowlookwhatyou'vedone.
}
} YouowetheOracleanemailwiththewordsGoodTimesinthesubjectline.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-09
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell your unworthy supplicant,
> why would a person want to own a cat.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, the obvious reason is because one's mother-in-law is allergic to
} the beasts. Here kitty, kitty... Good kitty... OUCH!
}
} You owe the Oracle a band-aid.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-10
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle of wonders, please answer me this:
>
> Why aren't floppy disks floppy anymore?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, now they have silicone implants so theyre' firmer and have er
} am.. larger capacity!
------------------------------
End of Internet Oracularities Digest #882
*****************************************