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Internet Message Format | 1998-07-26 | 17KB

From: <[e-mail]>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #888
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 13:07:48 -0500 (EST)
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:36 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #888

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to [e-mail] with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to [e-mail] (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    888
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

883 119 votes  iuuub 8nBEb 4fFAn gHzk5 8eKvk dlBlr 8uJjh gBvs7 5vHw8 8dovH
883  3.1 mean   2.9   3.2   3.5   2.6   3.3   3.2   3.1   2.8   3.1   3.7

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #888-01

Selected-By: Scott Forbes <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   All mighty oracle whose powers overcome my own,
>
> What effect would take place, if the Earth was released
> from the sun's pull of gravity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ----------------------------------------------------------------
} ------------------------- Oracle Labs --------------------------
} ----------------------------------------------------------------
} ----------- Supplicant Sponsored Research Division -------------
} ----------------------------------------------------------------
} -------- Managing Better Through World's Best Practice ---------
} ----------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Summary Lab Report - Supplicant Copy
}
} Problem: Describe the immediate and long term effects of the
}          collapse of gravitational attraction laws with respect
}          to the planet known as 'Earth' and the sun known as
}          'Sol', aka 'The Sun'.
}
} Experimenters:
}         Primary - Oracle
}         Assistant - Zadoc
}         Various assorted minions.
}
} Description:
}
} We constructed a model Solar System. Physical features include Sun,
} planets, asteroid belt, commets, and dust. Simulated physical forces
} include gravity, solar wind, magnetic fields and electromagnetic
} radiation. In addition, corrections are included for strong and weak
} atomic forces and neutrino flux.
}
} Time is modelled on a 1:1000 scale so that any effects of the
} experiment might be seen immediately. This means that the model earth
} revolves around the model sun once every 8.766 hours.
}
} After a control period, the gravitational attractive force between
} model sun and earth will be removed, and results observed. We believe
} that the results observed in the model will also apply to the larger
} system under similar circumstances, thus answering the supplicant's
} question.
}
} We predict that the model earth will fly off into space when the
} simulated gravitational force is removed.
}
}
} Results:
}
} As our control, we allowed the earth to revolve around the sun
} three times.  Nothing unexpected was observed.
}
} At the conclusion of three rotations, the gravitational attractive
} force between model sun and earth was removed. The model earth fell
} to the floor and shattered  into tiny bits.
}
}
} Interpretation:
}
} Removing gravitational attractive force between sun and earth would
} be bad.
}
}
} Billing:
}
} As is our policy, Oracle Labs operates it's Supplicant Sponsored
} Research Division on a 'cost plus' basis.
}                                                         $ '000
} Solar System Model Equipment Rental (30hrs).............    30
} Gravitional Generator Rental (30hrs)....................    15
} Neutrino Flux Correction Field Generator (30hrs)........    45
} Hair dryer rental (Solar Wind Simulation) (30hrs).......     1
} Mobile phone rental (em radiation simulation) (30hrs)...    15
} Model Earth Replacement.................................   150
}                                                          -----
}                                                           $256,000
}                                                          =====
}                   == All accounts Nett 30 days ==

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #888-02

Selected-By: Christophe <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose nose I'm not allowed to pick, tell your humble
> servant what will happen when Microsoft starts to make automatic
> pilots for airplanes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well for starters, I'm moving into a deep cave.
}
} Here's how air travel will work when Microsoft introduces the AirTub
} 2000 (version 1.0).
}
} The passengers arrive at the airport gate, and look out of the window
} to see a cigar-shaped vehicle outside on the apron, and large piles of
} luggage sitting on the concrete underneath it.  When asked about the
} absence of wings, the gate attendant says "Wings don't come bundled
} with this aircraft.  Didn't any of you passengers bring a pair?"  Upon
} ascertaining that nobody has any wings, the airline puts a call in to
} the maintenance department.  Five hours later, a couple of flatbed
} trucks roll up carrying two wings.  A team of workers attaches the
} wings to the plane.  They are both right wings, so they install the one
} on the left upside down.  A surcharge of $1250 is added to each
} passenger's ticket to cover the cost of the wings.
}
} Somebody wonders aloud when the luggage is going to be loaded onto the
} plane.  It develops that the passengers are required to install their
} own luggage into the cargo bay.  It takes two hours for somebody to
} figure out how to open the doors.  Once the luggage has been loaded,
} all the passengers climb the rope ladder to the cabin.  The seats all
} face sideways.  When asked why, one of the flight attendants says "It's
} to make it easier to see out of the windows."
}
} An airline employee goes under the aircraft and presses a button
} located beneath the fuselage to boot up the autopilot.  The engines
} buzz briefly, and then stop.  This is repeated a couple of times, and
} then the airline employee goes back to get the proper device driver for
} the engines.
}
} Half an hour later, with the device driver installed, the engines
} finally come to life.  The autopilot taxis to the end of its assigned
} runway.  The aircraft is three feet wider than the taxiway, and it runs
} over all the little blue lights down the right-hand side.  A Cessna
} parked on the apron gets in the plane's way, and it shears off the
} Cessna's rudder.  There is some damage to the AirTub's right wing, but
} nobody notices.
}
} When it reaches the runway, the aircraft stops, waiting for clearance.
} Eventually, the air traffic controller presses the "OK" button on his
} console, and the plane takes off, cruising at a speed of 190 mph and an
} altitude of 640 feet.  The passengers discover that when one of them
} goes into the lavatory, the air conditioning in the rest of the cabin
} stops running.
}
} One of the passengers notices that the engines are making a sort of
} coughing noise.  It is presumed that they are infected with a virus.
}
} Five minutes later, the engines stop, and red lights start blinking all
} over the passenger cabin.  The flight attendant stands, claps for
} attention, and announces, "The autopilot's had a general protection
} fault. We need somebody to get out and reboot the plane."
}
} I'll leave the rest of version 1.0 up to your imagination.  When it
} reaches version 2.3, the AirTub autopilot will be pretty good -
} comparable with the ones on the market in 1996.  When version 6.0 is
} introduced, it will no longer be an airplane.  It will be a battleship.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ticket from Chicago to New York.  On the train.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #888-03

Selected-By: Christophe <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is the origin of the universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (0,0).
}
} You owe the Oracle an abscissa and an ordinate or two.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #888-04

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great oracle, to whom a miss is as good as a mile,
>
> I bught a copy of _Ms._ magazine, and much to my dismay it contained
> not a single word about Microsoft(tm). Please explain.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're not using Microsoft "PolarLenz" polarized light-filter reading
} glasses, are you?  Without those, the magazine appears only to contain
} useless information about new revealing fashion styles and the female
} menstrual cycle.
}
} For only $89 plus shipping (and, of course, the cost of the magazine
} itself), you can enjoy all the latest top-secret information about
} Microsoft that only an industrial spy or a regular newspaper reader
} would know!
}
} Note that PolarLenz glasses can cause permanent vision damage and/or
} blindness if worn for extended periods of time.  This problem is
} expected to be solved in the next revision.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest version of Microsoft Intellect Explorer.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #888-05

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Mother Mother Iam Ill.
> Call the Doctor over the hill.
> In came the Doctor.
> In came the Nurse.
> In came the Lady with the Aligator purse.
> That rhyme is always in my head how do I get it out.
> If you help me I will be your eternal slave.
> and so will my pet Woodchuck.
> If you have plenty of wood.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, pal, lemme tell you how you DON'T get an irritating rhyme out of
} your head.
}
} You DON'T do it by mentioning woodchucks to the Oracle.
}
} In any context.
}
} Smartass.
}
} You'll be pleased to know that the rhyme will stay in your head,
} until the day you die.
}
} This may well be quite soon, because the rhyme will be accompanied by a
} few other little tidbits.
}
} Namely:
}
} Space is big.
} Space is dark.
} It's hard to find
} A place to park.
} BURMA SHAVE
}
} And the Lord's Prayer. And the Black Mass. And the first million
} digits of pi.
}
} And, while I'm at it, you can have a couple of songs going round and
} round in your head too. "I Will Survive", "Fernando", "Onward Christian
} Soldiers", "Advance Australia Fair", and the String Song from the
} episode of The Goodies where they're all advertising men.
}
} That oughta do it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the most amusing psychiatric evaluation
} you receive this year.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #888-06

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ak gak gak GAK ak GAK ak ak!
>
> Wak fak sak AK AK gak GAK!
>
> Bak tak ak ak ak GAK AK AK GAK!
>
> Gak ak ak GAK ak HAK HAK GAK!
>
> GAK HAK!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, tongue bathing your cat will give you hair balls.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lint brush

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #888-07

Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> what time is it in Italy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Itsa timeta zotta you.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:51 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #888-08

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh oracle mighty and wise! Oh most sober of all cybergods!
>
> Please tell me...
>
> Considering that my good friend James is quite a bit on the intoxicated
> side, will he make it to his 8:30 class tomorrow??
>
> In general, how much of a moral imperative is it to make it to a 8:30
> class?
>
> signed,
> your loyal servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, man "hic"  wwww--wassup, maaan?  um, to be untoxeeca-
} intoxeecateinotoxecatee- "hic", um, a drunk, oh no no wait, the
} question wuz about the class part.  Ummmmm.. i don' gettit.  What the
} hell's a emperateeve? Uhh.... hey zadic.... gimme me magic wand
} thing........"hic" I'ma gonna zoot this guy! "HIC!"
}
} (Oracle flushes and enters room)
} O} Hey!  who are you?  What are you doing on the Oracular computer?
}
} J} Heeeeeey maaaan!  Wassup, maaaan? "HIC!" Issme, James "hic"
}
} O} What are you doing here?  You're intoxicated!
}
} J} Untoxee- HEY!  You seddit!
}
} O} Of course I know how to say it!  I know everything!
}
} J} Okayyyyyyy....then...........HOW mushhhhhh w-
}
} O} DON'T EVEN TRY IT!  ZADOC!
} (Zadoc runs into room clutching ZOT staff.  He trips over empty beer
} bottle and staff flies over to James.)
}
} J} Heeeey, man... what the hellsis this?
}
} O} No.....no!  DON'T DRINK AND ZOT!
}
} (James stares confused at the staff)
} J} Wassit do?
} (James twists the head four times)
} O} NO!
} (James pushes the head down)
} Z} Uh, oh, master, BIG zoot
} (James taps it on the table twice)
} O} No!  Whatever you do--DON'T--
} Digital voice in staff: "Enter nuke password?"
}
} Zadoc: Don't say Zot the sucker!
}
} James: Z-zz-zOT the sukker?
}
} zzzZZzZZZzZZZzzZZZZzzZzzzzZZZzZZzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz
} KKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
}
} Oracle: No, James won't make his class.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Zot Staff with Star Trek Voice Print software.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #888-09

Selected-By: Rich McGee <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose followers are multitude, whose
> socks *always* match, please tell me,
>
> How come it's always the "D"-string on my guitar that breaks
> first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aren't you the happy one! Just think if it were your G-string!
}
} U o the O a gittar with no strings attached, and an axe to grind.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 12:20:53 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #888-10

Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <[e-mail]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle of non-insect-ingesting tendencies, why, oh why, did
> she swallow the fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know why she swallowed that fly
} I guess she'll die
}
} There was an old lady who played with seemingly abandoned bearcubs
} I don't know why she played with seemingly abandoned bearcubs
} I guess she'll die
}
} There was an old lady who split up from her friends while being
}   stalked by a homicidal maniac in a hockey mask
} I don't know why she split up from her friends while being stalked
}   by a homicidal maniac in a hockey mask
} I guess she'll die
}
} There was an old lady who made eye contact with a New Yorker
} I don't know why she made eye contact with a New Yorker
} I guess she'll die
}
} There was an old lady who was a red-shirted extra on Star Trek
} I don't know why she was a red-shirted extra on Star Trek
} I guess she'll die
}
} There was an old lady who broke up with OJ
} I don't know why she broke up with OJ
} I guess she'll die
}
} There was an old lady who tried to edit the Oracle's source
} She died of course!
}
} You owe the Oracle the Sanskrit translation of "Second Verse! Same
} as the First! Little bit louder anna little bit worse!".

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #888
*****************************************