The 13th Warrior

Based on the best selling book by Michael Crichton, Eaters of the Dead.

Antonio Banderas plays a peaceful, Arabian ambassador who is chosen by a group of Viking rogue warriors to defend a small village against a horde of cannibalistic natives.

Paul: WARNING: Do not bring a hot-dog covered in ketchup to this movie.

From someone who sat through Saving Private Ryan and The Relic with his eyes wide open, The 13th Warrior definitely goes way beyond any other gore filled flick that my pupils have witnessed. I also liked the fact the movie wasn't tied down with drawn out, sappy, love sick relationships. Antonio Banderas is only featured falling in love with a local village women for less than five minutes, and immediately returning the audience to the cool gorefest.

The movie was a mixed blend of action/adventure with a dash of humour in between scenes just to keep the crowd interesting in the movie. The main character rides with a band of hairy Norwegians who ride around with large Budweiser Clydesdales while Banderas rides on a horse so small, they could've use Danny Devito and no one would have noticed.

I think everyone who can handle their stomach for some cool battle scenes and dead bodies everyone should give it a shot.

Danny: The moment my dad, who is probably a bigger Michael Crichton fan than the mighty Speilberg himself, suggested we spend a Saturday afternoon at the movie theatres to see The 13th Warrior, I immediately cringed at the thought of sitting through yet another film based on a Crichton book. I was presently surprised to learn this time would be much different than the unfortunate Congo incident.

Banderas plays his role with the warmth of a Prodigal Son and the strength of a Schwartzenegger hero. Since Banderas is chosen by fate to become a warrior, he has to slowly adjust to his new lifestyle throughout the movie until the very end when he shows his true colours, which is primarily red with all the slightly unnecessary violence.

The reality of the film, however, wasn't expanded as much as it should have. The main character falls deeply in love with one of the local widows and only spends about five minutes with her in the whole movie, and take one guess what part of the shack its in.

Even though most of the flick is a testosterone driven war flick, it still manages to show how people can change and face danger in moments of sheer intensity and insurmountable odds.

South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

The bad boys of Comedy Central's South Park make it to the big screen in this raunchy adventure of epic proportions. The boys' favourite cartoon, Terrance & Philip, star in their own fart-filled, Canadian movie which angers the parents of the small white bread, piss-ant mountain town causing a world war between the rivalling countries while Satan plans his own diabolical return to the Earth.

Paul: South Park's very entertaining and funny, and as an extra bonus, you can learn some new curse words in the process which is what makes it so hilarious. Especially when Cartman (everyone's favourite fat kid) uses his powers of profanity against his fellow classmates.

Even though it's hysterical, there's some very disgusting and unnecessary stuff which probably reflects how the creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, really behave. I won't even try to describe them to you because they stick in my head stronger than the theme to Jeopardy!

The music to the movie was both good and bad. There are some songs that were funny and entertaining and others were just downright ridiculous and stupid. You haven't lived until you've heard a flatulence refrain from the combined musical talent of Terrance and Philip's butt.

What I'm saying basically is that if you can watch the show at least twice it is right up your #%$^! I thought South Park was funny and disgusting at the same time, but is worth your attention.

Danny: You already know what I'm going to say about this flick. So I might as well get it out in the open. My dear God, what kind of sick moron can fit so many curse words, fart jokes and vulgar references in one sentence.

Now that the obvious is out of the way, let me also say that South Park was surprisingly entertaining and at the same time strangely poignant. What makes it most interesting is it's parallelism to the real controversy that surrounded the film when Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman unknowingly start a war with Canada by sneaking into the R rated Terrance and Philip film, Asses of Fire.

The comedy, of course, is an acquired taste. You don't have to watch the TV show on an hourly basis to understand what's going on, but you might want to prepare yourself ahead of time. Some might say the irreverent and always offensive humour of South Park has gone way off the line of "offensive comedy." But what do you expect from a movie whose tag line includes the word uncut'? Chances are if you were offended or appalled by the content of South Park, you really didn't know what you were getting into when you asked for one adult and two children. It does tend to go over the top but you won't be able to stop giggling on the ride home.

Paul's (Definitely Not Danny's) Video Pick of the Week:

Saving Private Ryan

A very realistic and strong film about the story of eight soldiers looking for the final survivor of four brothers killed in action during World War II. Director Steven Speilberg shows us just how scary and gut-wrenching wars can be. For all you macho men who think you can run into battle like Rambo, the numerous gory special effects and sounds will make you think twice.

Danny's (Definitely Not Paul's) Video Pick of the Week:

Bulworth

The campaign of a California senator goes awry when James Bulworth suffers a nervous breakdown during a speech at a South Central Baptist church, turning himself into a carefree, rapping hipster. It's very deep meaning and strong message about colour-blind politics hits you like a cinder block shot out of a cannon. Warren Beatty's vibrant performance is hilarious, proving once again even he can be "pretty fly for a white guy."

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Last Updated: 06/05/00
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