The Paul Awards

The Danny Awards

We promise not to let Paul sing an opening musical number

Best Movie

The nominees are...
The Blair Witch Project
The Matrix
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Paul's Fav: The Matrix (It's got some kick ass special effects loaded with plenty action sequences, an awesome story and a touch of humor. I guess those wimpy girlie men at the Academy didn't have the cajones to nominate it for best picture.)

And the award goes to... The Matrix

Worst Movie

The nominees are...
Anna and the King
Down to You
Girl, Interupted

Paul's Fav: Down to You (I didn't find it very entertaining and it's just like every other crappy teen romantic flick...except this one really really sucks. Director Kris Issacson deserves more than this award for this movie - a good hard kick in the butt for starters.)

And the "Reel Destroyer" award goes to... Anna and the King

Best Male Performance

The nominees are...
Al Pacino for "Any Given Sunday"
Robert Dinero for "Analyze This"
Johnny Depp for "Sleepy Hollow"

Paul's Fav: Johnny Depp for "Sleepy Hollow" (His performance really brought the character to life as the scrawny coroner Ichabod Crane. He also gave the movie the majority of the laughs.)

And the "Best Dude on Screen" award goes to... Johnny Depp for "Sleepy Hollow

Best Female Performance

The nominees are...
Heather Graham for "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me"
Carrie Anne-Moss for "The Matrix"
Cameron Diaz for "Any Given Sunday"

Paul's Fav: Carrie Anne-Moss for "The Matrix (Now that's one chick who can pack a punch. Maybe she could've given Zsa Zsa Gabor some lessons.)

And the "Best Chick Who Doesn't Have a Restraining Order against Danny" award goes to... Heather Graham for "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Best Death Scenes

The nominees are...
Sleepy Hollow
Virus
The 13th Warrior

Paul's Fav: Sleepy Hollow (There was blood and gore and guts and rolling heads everywhere...now, who wants lunch!!!)

And the "Jeffrey Dalhmer Commemorative" award goes to... Sleepy Hollow

Best Sports Movie

The nominees are...
Any Given Sunday
For the Love of the Game
Play it to the Bone

Paul's Fav: Any Given Sunday (Well the others really stink and, let's face it, this wasn't a year for sports movies. Maybe next year...)

And the "Any Given Sunday's Gonna Win This One or I'll Kill Myself" award goes to... Any Given Sunday

Best Cursing Sequence

The nominees are...
South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
The Blair Witch
Project Payback

Paul's Fav: South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut (Dude, I was just so #&$*ing impressed with the $&%*ing dialogue between the #&$*ing characters in this #&$*ing awesome, one of a #*$(ing kind movie.)

And the "Bleeping Bleepity Bleep" Award goes to... South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

Best Non-Human Actor

The nominees are...
Eric Cartman for "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut"
The Shark for "Deep Blue Sea"
Mr. Potato Head for "Toy Story 2"

Paul's Fav: Mr. Potato Head for "Toy Story 2" (Any toy that can behave and act just like Don Rickles is OK in my book. Just don't let him play with any G.I. Joes or expect some controversial sequels.)

And the "Existentially Challenged" award goes to... Mr. Potato Head for "Toy Story 2"

Best Gore

The nominees are:
Sleepy Hollow
Deep Blue Sea
The 13th Warrior

Paul's Fav: Sleepy Hollow (I thought was walking out of the KFC Chicken Processing Plant when I went back to the stand for a second box of Milk Duds. Someone needs to lay off the Kahula during filming.)

And the "Has Nothing to Do with Al Gore" award goes to... Sleepy Hollow

Best Movie for Guys Not to Take their Girlfriend To

The nominees are...
Fight Club
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Lake Placid

Paul's Fav: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (Here's how I know this one's going to win. I took my girlfriend to this movie and she never called me or spoke to me again.)

And the "Can't Get No Satisfaction" award goes to... Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Best Car Chase

And the nominees are...
Ronin
The World is Not Enough
Bowfinger

Paul's Fav: The World is Not Enough (It's a James Bond movie, 'nuff said.)

And the "Most Fun You'll Have in a Pinto" award goes to... Ronin

We promise not let Danny bitch about "South Park" not winning a "Best Song" Oscar

Best Movie

The nominees are...
Man on the Moon
Being John Malkovich
Three Kings

Danny's Fav: Being John Malkovich (Even though "Man on the Moon" was a great motion picture, this one has a very unique idea that cannot be touched by any of this year's movies. The performances are great, especially by John Malkovich, and has opened the door for director Spike Jonze.)

And the award goes to... Man on the Moon

Worst Movie

And the nominees are...
Bicentennial Man
Wild Wild West
Jawbreaker

Danny's Fav: Wild Wild West (Phew, now here's the hardest decision I've had to make since I was held hostage at the Playboy Mansion last summer. But this one stinks higher to heaven than all the rest with everything from weak scripting to very weak acting.)

And the "Movie that Reminded Audiences to bag their Compost Pile" award goes to... Wild Wild West

Best Male Performance

And the nominees are...
Russell Crowe for "The Insider"
Kevin Spacey for "American Beauty
Nicholas Cage for "Bringing Out the Dead

Danny's Fav: Russell Crowe for "The Insider" (Crowe's brilliant portrayal of former tobacco executive Jeffrey Wigand may not get him an Oscar, but he still gets my vote. Actually, I would've voted for him for an Oscar but my ballot never came in the mail.)

And the "Best Performance by a Y Chromosome " award goes to... Kevin Spacey for "American Beauty"

Best Female Performance

And the nominees are...
Reese Witherspoon for "Election"
Cameron Diaz for "Being John Malkovich"
Laura Dern for "October Sky
"

Danny's Fav: Reese Witherspoon for "Election" (Her acting ability is amazing and this movie doesn't stop at any lengths to showcase that talent. Even though Witherspoon seems to sell herself short in flicks like "Cruel Intentions," she shines bright here.)

And the "Real American Beauty" award goes to... Reese Witherspoon for "Election"

Best British Accent (Fake or Real)

And the nominees are...
Julianne Moore for "An Ideal Husband"
Michael Caine for "The Cider House Rules"
Minnie Driver for "Tarzan"

Danny's Fav: Michael Caine for "The Cider House Rules" (He's got a British tone that set the standard for smooth talking. I don't want to talk about my choice anymore because I'm starting to question my sexuality...)

And the "Slurred R's and A's" award goes to... Minnie Driver for "Tarzan"

Best Movie Starring Julianne Moore

And the nominees are...
The End of the Affair
Cookie's Fortune
Magnolia

Danny's Fav: Magnolia (Folks, I hate to be lazy but "Magnolia's" the only movie out of the three that I've seen. That's what happens when you live in a small town in East Texas.)

And the "I Want Moore, Moore, Moore" award goes to... Magnolia

Best Cameo Appearance

And the nominees are...
Barbie for "Toy Story 2"
Dave Letterman for "Man on the Moon"
Lorne Michaels for "Man on the Moon"

Danny's Fav: Barbie for "Toy Story 2" (I just like this one because I used to play with Barbie's when I was a child. This review wouldn't work if I chose Lorne Michaels or Dave Letterman so you can understand my situation.)

And the "Most Expensive and Short Acting Job" award goes to... Barbie for "Toy Story 2"

Best Toilet Humor

And the nominees are...
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
American Pie
South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

Danny's Fav: South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut (It's the least I can do since the Academy snubbed Trey Parker for the "Best Song" Oscar. I don't care what any critic says, I don't care what the odds say - someone owes that movie a statue!)

And the "Jokes that'll Get You a Slap from your Mother" award goes to... American Pie

Most Realistic Scenes

And the nominees are...
Ride with the Devil
The Green Mile
Summer of Sam

Danny's Fav: The Green Mile (The raw emotion that comes from everyone in the cast right down to the scene extras make the story even more compelling. People will be talking about that scene in the hallway with Tom Hanks for years to come.)

And the "Shots that Didn't Look Sucky" award goes to... The Green Mile

Best Movie for Guys to Take Their Girlfriends To

And the nominees are...
Snow Falling on Cedars
The End of the Affair
Boys Don't Cry

Danny's Fav: The End of the Affair (It's a love story that knows no bounds, take no prisoners and has no ending. Drama is good, but let's turn down the time slot. It's still a great movie and deserves high praise.)

And the "Of Course I'm Awake Dear..." award goes to... The End of the Affair

Best Idea

And the nominees are...
Being John Malkovich
Election
Bringing Out the Dead

Danny's Fav: Being John Malkovich (Once again, it's an idea for a movie that was the best of the year. I can't wait to see what Spike Jonze does with "Being Jack Nicholson.")

And the "Let's Give Pauly Shore Another Movie (SLAP!)" award goes to... Being John Malkovich