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Cheet Sheets 1995 July
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2ONTBUYT.TXT
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1995-07-07
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~Don't Buy This!
4
HOMEAL2.PCX
ROBINHOD.PCX
LALAW.PCX
GAZZA2.PCX
By Martin Keen
The PC industry has developed many great games, but its created far
more very bad ones. And no clearer is this highlighted than in the
games created back in 1992 when the PC was trying to get its chips
around the idea of graphics, sound, and gameplay. So where better to
start a series on the worst PC games in exsistence than at the time
when Amigas produced better games than the now mighty PC.
This column aims to warn you of games you might find going at knock
down prices. But next time you see a game mentioned here in a
bargain bin ask the shop assistant to kindly relocate the product
in the DUSTbin. These are some of the worst PC games of all time...
~Home Alone 2 - Capstone
Brought to you by possibly one of the worst software houses of the
decade, although Capstone would prefer you to address them as "The
Pinnicle of Entertainment". So lets see; here's a game from a dodgy
software house, based on a dodgy film, staring a very dodgy child
star. It could only possibly be another platform game.
You play the role of the little brat himself who is being chased by
two hardened criminals (who are of course very stupid and fall over
a lot because its based on a kids film) and if they so much as get
within 10 pixels of you death is automatic. Not that you see a nice
death scene or anything, or even get to watch the thugs as much as
lay a hand on Macculy Culkin which is a real shame because seeing
the little angel being beaten to a pulp may have been worth buying
the game for alone!
Your only means of defence is by picking up trashcan lids or bananas
and hurling them at your pursuers unless you can make them run into a
tree or lamp post.
Seeing as this game is probably aimed at a younger audience it is damn
hard even on the "easy" setting. Each game tends to only last about
30 seconds. But thats a blessing in disguise because by then you'll
be wanting to quit the game and go do something more interesting
instead, like watch the re-runs of Howards Way!
~Robin Hood - Millennium
Remember Populous? A great god-game simulator if ever there was one.
And do you remember all those very similar looking games that followed
it as desperate software programmers tried to cash in on its success?
Well Millennium have certainly come up with the most original clone:
a Populous-style interface used as the engine for a graphic adventure!
You play the part of Robin Hood and can freely wonder around the
forest. The problem is actually seeing your character on the screen.
All the sprites are tiny (other than the obvious exception of Friar
Tuck) so there isn't too much need for fluid movement and animation.
The characters converse by the means of speech bubbles which are
roughly 100 times bigger than they are - fortunate really, otherwise
the text would be unreadable.
The interface is much like any other adventure with look and talk
options easily selectable. But the unique selling point of this game
is you can click on any of the characters and Robin will follow them
where ever they may go. Its interesting but mainly pointless.
Overall Robin Hood is a very poor effort. The graphics are so small
they might as well not have bothered drawing them in the first place
and the size of the playing area makes the gameplay drawn out and
ultimately dull. Don't bother.
~LA Law - Capstone (again)
They're back with another licence and this time they mean it! After
the doubtless success of Home Alone 2 Capstone have ploughed the
profits back into buying up the rights to the then hit American TV
courtroom drama.
Drawing computer graphics can be a time consuming business, not to
mention require a member of staff to be artistically talented. So
Capstone have decided to skip all that and just digitised stills
from the TV show and build a game engine around them. Its something
of a shame then that the pictures look like they have been captured
by running a hand scanner down a television screen. In short the
quality is abysmal.
You get to choose to play either Victor Sifuentes, Abby Perkins, or
Jonathon Rollins. Once you've selected your character you are then
assigned a case to solve and have to interview witnesses, police, and
other lawyers. You can even try to strike up a deal with the
opposing council to get a lesser sentence. Then once you've got all
the information you can find within the alloted time its off to the
courtroom.
Each character in the game has only one digitised still. So whether
they are cracking a joke, or breaking the news of a murder they
always have the same expression. So there goes the atmosphere the
game is trying to create. Also the conversations are extremely
limited and the final courtroom scene is patheticly short.
But despite the game's numerous flaws you do have to give Capstone
some credit. At least they didn't try to turn the LA Law licence
into yet another platform game!
~Gazza 2 - Empire
If the three 10 minute appearances for England of the bleached-haired
Geordie in the Umbro Cup has drawn you in to the Gazzamania hype yet
again then you might be interested in this. Just one 10 minute
appearance in THIS game is all you'll be putting in before you decide
to do the only decent thing... reformat the disk it came on.
If FIFA Soccer is a Matt Le Tissier (who incidentally should be the
first name down on the England team sheet for every match instead of
being ingorned becuase he doesn't play for Spurs) then Gazza 2 is a
David May.
Marvel at the way the mouse pointer mysteriously moves two inches
further down the screen everytime you press the mouse button than when
you started. Gasp at the in-game graphics where the camera is zoomed
in so close only two or three players are ever on screen at one time.
Thrill to the picture of the cheeky chappy himself grinning on the
opening screen.
There's no crowd noise (goals are greeted by silence), no control over
the players you are supposed to be representing, and no mention of
Gazza in the game itself.
Even if you are a fan of Terry Venables favourite player then you will
not be the least bit impressed with this. It plays like John Barnes
does in an international. Dire.
So there are four of the very worst games the PC has seen but thats
only the tip of a very large iceburg. There'll be more next month when
we look at some of the more recent cock-ups. If there is a game that
you want to warn other readers about then let us know and we'll be
sure to give it a good kicking.
Contact me at the Cheet Sheets BBS with details of a game you think
should be covered in "Don't Buy This!" by mailing a message to
Martin Keen.
Text Copyright (c) 1995 Eurowave Leisure Ltd.