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- Underground eXperts United
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- Presents...
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- [ Divine Problems ] [ By The GNN ]
-
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-
- "DIVINE PROBLEMS"
- by THE GNN/DualCrew/uXu
-
- "Only God is perfect!"
- (Heroes of the past)
-
-
- "Shit!"
-
- He used to be the mighty ruler. King of all kings. The Creator. The
- best. The heroic leader. Call him whatever you want. He was God. Not
- the God you call anyone who is beautiful or fantastic. He can neither dance
- or sing. The first impression he gives you is that he probably reminds
- you about the pictures of God in all books. Not very strange, since he IS God.
- Yes, the real God. His home is Heaven and his work is to rule the world.
- You can love him or hate him. But one thing is for sure; he is God, and he
- created the whole world in two days (even if some books claim seven days
- but that's just fake propaganda from Lucifer). His power is beyond
- whatever you can imagine. He rules supreme.
-
- Now he was laying on the floor of a 7-eleven and stared at the great hole he
- made when he came crashing through the roof.
-
- "Well, I guess you'll have to pay for that!", some idiot behind the counter
- suddenly said.
-
- "Do you know who I am, jerk?", God said while making some pathetic tries
- to stand up. The floor was slippery due to the usual lousy cleaning from the
- lamebrains who worked there.
-
- "Listen Pa! I'm only a employee, ok? I don't make the fucking rules.", the
- sleaze answered.
-
- "I will guarantee you a place on my left side, haveaniceday!", God said and
- quickly left the store.
-
- New York.
-
- Could it be worse?
-
- It must had been Lucifer again. When the bell rang, God expected to find
- another soul on the outside who wanted to come inside. It was early in
- the morning and it was going to be a hectic day judging from the large amount
- of people who showed up. As all days. But it was work, and someone had to
- do it. Even God. But when he had unlocked the door the staircase below him
- was empty. It had happened before that the soul was too eager to get inside
- and stood in front of the yellow line (even if a LARGE sign clearly said
- "Do NOT pass the yellow line until God have opened the door!").
- Because, then it would easily happen that God accidentally slammed the door
- right into the face of the soul and pushed him off the staircase. It had
- happened a couple of times.
-
- "Make a sign!", he had said to his angels.
-
- They had made a sign. No accidents. Until now. With a sigh, God took a few
- steps to the outside to watch if he could see the poor soul falling
- down. He didn't even notice the wire who was placed below the door.
- With a scream, he tripped and fell off the staircase. Twenty seconds later,
- he crashed through the roof of the 7-eleven store.
-
- New York. This rotten trashcan of humans.
-
- "Yo! Check out the old fart!", some stupid kid screamed at him. With a
- bright flash of lightning, God vaporized him at once. Then he continued
- to walk the streets. What a place. Cars made noise, people bumped into
- him, and everything smelled like junk. There he was, walking around with a
- white dress, a large beard and a cross in a chain around his neck.
-
- "Taxi!", he screamed to the bypassing yellow cabs.
-
- Most of the drivers saw him as yet another weird Hare Krishna dude, who
- wanted to go to the church for free, and didn't stop. This was humiliating!
- Something had to be done. Ah! Over the street! On the other side of the street,
- a taxi which was just about to leave. God made a run and threw himself into it.
- Unfortunately there was already an old lady in it, but with a magic spell,
- the door opened and she was thrown out as if an invisible hand had grabbed her.
-
- "Drive!", God shouted to the driver.
-
- "Uhm...uhm...uhm...the lady had some luggage that...", the driver
- said with a weak voice.
-
- The old lady was almost crushed when five large bags came flying from the
- trunk of the taxi and landed on top of her.
-
- "Done! Now drive!", God said with a slightly annoyed voice.
-
- What else could he do? The driver had seen many strange things in his life
- but this was very different. But he knew from experience that everything
- had an explanation.
-
- "Er...exactly where do you want to go?"
-
- "Heaven."
-
- Oh no, another grass-smoking hippie from the past who hadn't realized
- what time it was, the driver thought. However, it was better to pretend and
- drive around a while until the magician in the back seat had slipped into a
- coma or something. He got very amazed when the car suddenly left the ground
- and entered the sky.
-
- "How much do I owe you?", God asked the driver.
-
- It took them ten minutes to reach the bottom of the staircase in heaven.
- The driver didn't answer. He just stared out of the window.
-
- "Ah..ok, you'll get a nice place here instead, when the time is right,
- what do you say about that?"
-
- Still no answer. Never mind. God closed the door and sent the car back
- to earth. A large crowd had gathered in front of the door to heaven and
- God had to use his elbows to get to it.
-
- "Sorry, but I'm in a hurry, let me pass!"
-
- "Hey, we are ALL in a hurry here! We have waited a long time! No one
- opens the goddamn..."
-
- A flash from the Automatic Naughty Word Destroyer turned the soul into
- nothing. A very good machine, God thought.
-
- "No one opens the door? Well, you understand, I'm God..."
-
- The crowd went "ooooohhhhh". The feeling of being Someone was exiting,
- and God continued;
-
- "Don't worry! I will open the door and everybody, yes EVERYBODY, will
- go inside and enjoy....(short silence)...heeeeeaaaveeeen!"
-
- Excitement and joy ran through the crowd. No judgements today! This
- was Happy Hour in heaven! God turned around and faced the door.
-
- BONK!
-
- It hit him like a rock in the head. The door had closed and locked.
- The keys were...in the lock, on the inside.
-
- God turned blushing to the crowd.
-
- "Anyone got a deck of cards or something?"
-
-
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