The Hacker's Encyclopedia 1998

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=============================================================== THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, #1 ================================================================ "Why Does it Look Like a Magazine?" REPLIES TO: ....PURPS%vax004.decnet@vax001.kenyon.edu ________________________________________________________________ SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction News OTISian Rambelings Other Rambelings The List ---------------------------------------------------------------- INTRODUCTION (Or some such) Why DOES it look like a magazine? Don't know, really, whim, I guess..... Anyway, welcome to the first official mailing of "THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE.DIS", the only electronic mailing list on campus NOT run by aliens. First things first: You're getting this because you have not expresedly told me you want off the list (evil thoughts headed my direction do not work, by the way). You're not stuck with it forever, however, nor, by accepting it have you signed any contract. If you want off at any time, let me know, and, in a similar vein, if you know anyone who wants ON send them my way, too. The more people the better (Hail Spode!)! In fact, we've already ventured out on to "The Net" (see "The List" later in this issue) and I anticipate this thing spreading completely out of control as soon as THOSE people start forwarding it around. Second things second: Dips.dis, as some of you remember it, largely consisted of the deranged rambelings of Mr. Mike Dow. That's all there was to it. I am no enemy of deranged rambelings (there will be at least two in this issue), but I'd like to expand the format somewhat. For example, I'm going to start dropping news items of interest in these pages, as well as interesting things that I've managed to swipe from the Net (assuming they allow themselves to be reprinted (we wouldn't want to break the law now, WOULD we?). Secondly, I'd like to open this thing up to submissions from you all (the members of the list). PLEASE drop me interesting mail messages to post here. I suspect I am not the only rambler on campus (or, at least I certainly don't want to LOOK like the only one), so lets hear from you all too. The basic format for both these things is WEIRD. Weird, weird, weird. The Weirder the better. Aside from that, anything goes. Lastly, in good keeping with the previous quirky nature of Dips., rest assured, gentle reader, that my own rantings and ravings will continue to whiz their electronic way to you. Welcome, then to The_Purple_Thunderbolt_of_Spode. Hail and well met. May we continue to enjoy each other's company here. HAIL OTIS. J. _______ News ------- PURPS.STUFF WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE BBS? The Purp/chat BBS is still in the works. I have been officially invited to go talk about it, now (in a bureaucracy, that's real progress {:-) ) I expect an answer soon. A lot of you purple people, however, seems to be getting, well, a tad FRUSTRATED at the length of time this operation was taking, so I threw caution into the wind and went ahead with a di.mailing. Besides, why be a cog when you can be a monkey wrench? {:-) WHAT DO THESE: {:-) MEAN? They're smiley faces (mine wear a toupee), now stop asking. On the Net they are necessary. Here at Kenyon they can be ignored. If he does this: {:-0, he's astonished. Other Facial expressions and their meanings: <:-) Pointy hat {:-* Struck mute or too many lemons =:> Butch haircut {:-( Unhappy {:-| Unimpressed, blah, so what? {:-\ Bored {:-) 3 Female (for those of you who though that was tasteless, I DID have something planned with the ampersand {|-) Squinting {X-) Drunk?, Dead? {8-) Cool shades, huh? {:g) Fingers slipped... Hope you all had the imagination to appreciate that. OTISIAN NEWS None this week. Sorry about that. OTISian News is normally the Multi-media part of this extravaganza it can be read here and HEARD every Friday night sometime between 10:00pm and Midnight on WKCO 91.9 in Gambier, OH. OTHER NEWS BOSTON GLOBE, 8/22/90 p. 48 Suffused with humanitarian concern, Italian legislator and ex-porno star Illona Staller volunteered to fling woo with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein on the theory that a birthday suit frolic might relieve his hostilities. "I'm available to make love with Hussein to achieve peace in the Middle East," said Staller in a statement as immodest and forward as the on-screen conduct that made her a star. Known as Cicciolina, or "Little Toy," Staller volunteered herself during an interview on a Buenos Aires talk show. Why Staller was in Argentina and why she believes that romantic deprivation may account for Saddam's invasion of Kuwait were not made clear in wire service reports. ----------------------------------------------------------------- OTISIAN RANTS _________________________________________________________________ (in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be revealed!) THIS SECTION IS DEDICATED TO OTIS AND OTISIANISM. WHO IS OTIS?, YOU ASK. WHAT IS OTISIANISM? WELL, BABY PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN! From a letter the "House" sent out some time ago. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! HAIL OTIS!!!! THE INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF FRUITCAKES POB 235 WILLIAMSTOWN, MA 01267-0235 USA Greetings Faithful Followers! Hail and Well Met On All (Significantly) FOUR Points of the Compass! Where is that Cheque You Promised US?-- We at the House have received, over the last few months, so many letters from followers totally confused (Praise SPODE!) about the purpose of this House that we have finally caved in and decided to clarify just who we are and what we do (PRAISE LOTUS!). The result is the attached document. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY MAILBOX????!!!!!????" (A brief, but Helpful Guide to OTIS Worship for Beginners) Hello. We're the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes; the only FULLY REGISTERED OTIS worshiping organization in existence and THE LAST TRUE faith on this PATHETIC little planet. So far, that short statement has appeared on every one of our mailings. It's catchy, but, unfortunately, not terribly descriptive. Who, after all, is OTIS? For that matter, why do we call ourselves [the] "Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes" And just what does "pathetic" mean? Let's take it from the top, shall we? WHO IS OTIS? OTIS is the main god/dess we worship. (S)he is at the head of our pantheon. OTIS is an ancient god/dess of life. His/her worship started about 2,000 years before Christ, making him/her one of the oldest god(desse)s in existence. OTIS worship originated in ancient Sumeria, survived in cult form in the Roman empire, and was squashed by the Christians during the "witch hunts" of the 15th century. It remained that way until we resurrected it (with our own peculiar modifications) during the 1980's. As you may have already guessed, OTIS is neither male nor female. His/her symbol is four arrows going in opposite directions with the top arrow seperate and the other three joined. No one is sure what this means. Frankly Tim and I made it up because it looked nice. OTIS is the god/dess of life. Everything alive is in the dominion of OTIS. Everything not alive is also in OTIS' dominion, largely because that's the way (s)he wanted it, and we had a long night and were in no mood to argue the finer points of metaphysics. OTISians believe that OTIS will come at RAGNAROCK (the Appoclypse) and set everyone straight. Those who have not worshiped him/her at that point are in deep doodoo. Therefore, it is our mission to keep the faith alive, and in the process save as many souls as possible. OTIS is also a vain god/dess. Hence, his/her name always appears in capital letters, and every time we mention it we have to do this... PRAISE OTIS!! (PRAISE OTIS!!). RIGHT! SO WHAT IS OTIS WORSHIP? The worship of OTIS is not, in our humble opinion, very demanding. There's no fasting, no involved ceremonies, and no funky dress code. The religion is run by Preacher Tim and myself (Pope Geof I of the IGHF). Every week we choose a sacred object of worship. This object may never have been worshiped before and cannot have appeared in "Time" magazine. The object is celebrated in a two color (read "black and white") xerox collage, which we mail to all members of the House, and anyone else who wants one. This object is worshiped for a week by our followers and then ignored thereafter. There are almost no rules in the worship of OTIS. One of our mottoes is "Everything forbidden is optional (do what we would not have thou do shall be the whole of the law)" and we stick by it. Our Dogma, however, is as follows. Memorize it and obey it for quiz which will be held at Ragnarock: DOGMA 1. Ignore Previous Dogma 2. We Have no Dogma, You Should Have Known. Shame, shame. 3. Everything Forbidden is Optional; Do What We Would Not Have Thou Do Shall be the Exception to the Law 4. Send us Money! WHO ARE THE OTHER GODS? There are FOUR major gods, including OTIS, that we, as OTISians, pay homage to. The others are as follows: LOTUS: The ancient Taiwanese god of Peace, Lotus has been worshiped almost as long as OTIS. ROTUS is the god of Death. Rotus has no history because we made him up. He was worshipped rather extensively in a small liberal arts collage in the North East before we borrowed him. SPODE is one of our most popular gods. Spode is the ancient Celtic god of Confusion, whose modern worship was repressed by the English in Ireland as late as the eighteenth century. Even today, some Scott's get drunk in Spode's name. As the ancient god of confusion, Spode's mission is to spread as much confusion as possible, especially about himself. This is why all of the above is lies. There are also four bad gods; Blix, Grbl, Vootie and Wayne (the deities of Pain, Suffering, Disease, and New Jersey, respectively) and the Anti-Otis, the notorious "B. Otis, Too" (terribly evil god and remarkably snappy dresser), who leads the evil Zachinthian conspiracy to usurp OTIS and rule the universe. (The Zachinthains were originally the members of a lost continent like Atlantis who successfully fled to safety and continue to weave their evil plans). Finally, there are many miscellaneous gods. A partial list follows: Heether- Goddess of Paisley Creiza- Goddess of Editing Reiod- God of Plaid Ted- God of Normalcy Arani- OTIS' Bisexual Consort, the Divine Concubine St. Simpson- A Saint Who Understands All the Rules of Gammer St. Simpson the Other- A Saint Who Refuses to Tell Me What She has Done to Justify the Title. God X- The God of Comparative Shopping John- God/dess of mediocracy and many more... WHAT ABOUT THE NUMBER FOUR? Four is the sacred number of OTIS. After all, how many letters are there in his/her name? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ WHAT OTHERS SAY ABOUT OTISIANISM "More than just this year's religion (although it's that, too)"-- Rodney Griffith, HII "One of the funniest things to crawl out from under a rock in weeks"-- Fred L. Pagie "Send them a buck or five and SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU"-- Mike Gunderloy (Factsheet Five, capitals mine) "These people are so funny, I'm just going to reprint one of their mailing in it's entirety"-- Gajoob maga "You got you Eris, you got your Bob, you got your OTIS"-- Sasquatch "Not really a threat to western civilization, but SHOULD be"-- David Satchel. ===============================================================- OTHER RANTS =============================================================== (in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all) This week: another Moose Illuminatti thing-a mo-boob and MORE! Subject: Prophecy ***The Vision*** On August 20, 1990, while sitting at work after being sick all the week before and then staying out until 2:30 in the morning dancing and carrying on the night before, and after far too much coffee, the young, semi-reclusive m00se known only as Sabre entered a reverie and was able to foretell...the *Signs of Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age*! These mystic, some would even say unlikely events passed through his fatigue poison-soaked brain like rabbits through a kiln. Feeling it was his duty to let his brethren know the signs of the age of M00se, Sabre did place them in an electronic medium, so that the Bavarians (who of course control the vital YALEVM/CUNY link) would be too confused to properly restrict it. Therefore, here are the beginnings of the Signs. When the seas do turn red, and the skies indigo (in the precise shades to insure lack of color coordination), then will the forces from the stars run rampant across our fair land. These forces -- the power of Leviam00se and other m00sey types, will first visit a nearby McDonald's for a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese and fries, side of nuggets, and a large Orange Drink. Unfortunately, the all-powerful forces will attempt to go through the drive-through, and lack of communication will way lay them for a considerable amount of time. Months, perhaps. Meanwhile, Madonna will be looking out her veranda, trying to decide what corset to wear to the neighborhood mall, will be visited by God. "Hello, Madonna," the Almighty will say. "Yeah, what?" She will respond. "I have come to you, my child, to call on you to bring forth a message of hope and peace to the world." "Right. Who is this really?" "Look, I am God. Father, son, spook, the whole bit. All I want from you is for you to go back to some normal hair color, put on some clothes, and go tell people to be nice to each other. You think you can handle that?" "Look, I don't care how omnipotent you are, God," Madonna will say, pouting, "*I* have an image to maintain, and it doesn't involve brown hair or decent clothing. And there's no money in 'be nice to each other.' Try Sheena Easton -- I hear she's a sucker for a sappy line." "Look, I'm trying to--" "Buzz off!" "Right!" And thus will God rise up, take Madonna up into his all-powerful hand, and cast her down forever into the pit of eternal damnation. This will be the first sign. "No," the impossibly mighty Leviam00se, ticked now, will say, "I want a *QUARTER-POUNDER*! *CHEESE!!!!* Can you hear me?" "Mmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm?" the voice from the machine will ask. "QUARTER-POUNDER!!!!!!!!" Thor, mightiest of Norse deities, will visit North America, and announce plans for a North American Tour. He will make plans to do some Anthrax covers, and perhaps a bit of Black Sabbath. When asked about the quality of his singing voice, Thor will hurl his uru hammer Mjolner, obliterating Dan Rather utterly and interfering with television reception across the tri-state area. Then, as a gesture of faith, he will smite down the New Kids on the Block, maiming but sparing them. The scarred and rended New Kids will refuse to do any more magazine covers. This will be the Second sign. ----------------------------------------------------------------- From: VAX001::SCHROEDER "Liberty, fraternity, Walter Mitty" 23-SEP-1990 16:26:22.43 To: HOLDCRAF CC: Subj: IGHF Egad! I have just had a most wondrous waking dream, a dream of prophecy, wherein I saw a vision most wondrous, O most wondrous indeed! And in that vision saw I you bowing down before the "Pope" Geoffe (for that is his true Name indeed), and begging of him for admittance to his House of Holiday Foods. Because I have seen this thing, and because of the Knowledge which I have been granted, I say unto you: Forswear this man, this so-called "Pope", and cleanse yourself of his teachings! For he is led astray by a gleeful Spode, and knows no longer what he preaches. Alas, alas, that it should be so. But it is so, and therefore exhort you I to renounce Geoffe and all his Foods, and discover the TRUE faith of OTIS instead through the Screaming Prophets of Otis Triumphant! - Reverend Robb, Keeper of the Lemur Spirit _________________________________----------------------------- The MAILING LIST: Here it is. KNOW WHO YOU'RE SPEAKING TO: None of You Are PREMITed to use it yet. Sorry, but that WILL happen soon.... asaro broadie chadwick fitzgera gregory hillv holdcraf hungerford keeling kinge kleinsr kurelljj margaret matusek matzke mcnally model neffa nowell pricea schroeder shutt simpsons stevensj tino tucker waddell whitcopf zecchin Liza Mal murray ________________________________________________________________ THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE #1 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Neither censored nor edited. Deal.