%If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.|Earl Wilson@%When I was younger, I could remember anything,+whether it happened or not.|Mark Twain@%Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.|John Kenneth Galbraith@%One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.|The Globe, Toronto@*Public Speakers:++Many need no introduction,+what they need are conclusions.|0@*Definition of a Genius:++One who can do almost anything except make a living.|0@%The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.|Sandy Cooley@%If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.|Doug Larson@%What did the bride think when she walked into the church?++Aisle, Alter, hymn.|0@%You know you have reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.|Franklin P. Jones@%Man to the telephone operator: "Why can't get me through to the zoo?++Operator: "The lion is busy."|0@%There was once was a girl who didn't have much upstairs but,+Oh! what a stairway!|0@*Budget:++An orderly system of living beyond your means.|0@%Nothing prompts the payment of an old dental bill++like a new toothache.|0@%A signature always reveals a man's character++-and sometimes his name.|Even Esar@%Children are natural mimics -++They act like their parents in spite of every attempt+to teach them good manners.|0@%It's not that I'm afraid to die,+I just don't want to be there when it happens.|Woody Allen@%A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.|Robert Benchly@*Joy of motherhood++What a woman experiences when all the children are in bed.|0@*Advice:++The one thing that is more blessed to give than to receive.|0@%Conversation between Adam and Eve+must have been difficult at times++-they had nobody to talk about.|Agnes Repplier@*Budget:++A mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.|A.A. Latimer@*Middle age:++When you're grounded for several days+after flying high for one night.|Marjorie Johnson@%Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.|Orben's Current Comedy@The best safety device in a car is a rear view mirror with a policeman in it.|Gil Stern@*LIGHT BULB JOKES++How many nuclear engineers does it take+to screw a light bulb in?++Seven. One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next ten thousand years.|0@^DO IT'S!++Anesthesiologists do it unconsciously+Procrastinators do it later+Reporters do it sensationally.|0@%My mother said, "you won't amount to anything, because you procrastinate!"+I said, "Just wait."|Judy Tenuta@%Adolescence is a period of rapid changes.+Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example,+a parent ages as much as 20 years.|Changing Times@*LAWYER JOKE++Why was the shipwrecked lawyer allowed to swim safely through the shark infested waters?++Professional courtesy.|0@%Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.|Nebraska Smoker-Eater@%Originality is the art of hiding your source.|Franklin P. Jones@%Exhilaration is that feeling you get just+after a great idea hits you,+and just before you realize what's wrong with it.|Unknown@%"The trouble about being punctual is+that nobody is there to appreciate it."|Harold Rome@%The rule of staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number, give 'em a date, but never give them both at once.|Jane Bryant Quinn@*Middle age:++When you're sitting at home on Saturday night and the phone rings and you hope it's not for you.|Ring Lardner@%After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.+He said "No hablo ingles."|0@^DO IT'S!++Louisiana's do it bayoutifully+Oil refiners do it crudely+Undertakers do it gravely|0@%If at first you do succeed-try to hide your astonishment.|LA Times Syndicate@%Science may never come up with a better office communications system than the coffee break.|Earl Wilson@%Probably the earliest flyswatter were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.|0@*Economist:++A man who tells you what to do with your money after you have done something else with it.|0@%Learning music by reading about it is like making love by mail.|Luciano Pavarotti@%Executive ability is deciding quickly+and getting somebody else to do the work.|J. G. Pollard@*LAWYER JOKES++What's the difference between a dead snake lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?++There are skid marks in front of the snake.|0@%Dogs come when they're called;++Cats take a message and get back to you.|Mary Bly@%And then there was the Society of Dyslexic Theologians.++They argued constantly about the existence of DOG.|0@^FUNNY NAMES OF REAL PEOPLE++Magdalena Babblejack+Taffy Sidebottom Ball+Ima Hog+Rolla Longnecker|0@%And then there's a Polish woman who tired to get an abortion because she didn't think the baby was hers.|0@%He who hesitates is interrupted.|Franklin P. Jones@%A 20th wedding anniversary is different to celebrate.+It's too soon to brag and too late to complain.|General Features Corp.@*LIGHT BULB JOKES++How many graduate students does it take to screw a light bulb in?++One-but it will take him nine years.|0@*American History:++Replacement of the red Indian by red tape.|0@*LIGHT BULB JOKES++How many Californians does it take to screw a light bulb in?++Four. One to screw in the light bulb, and three to share in the experience.|0@%Free Speech is the right to shout "theater" in a crowded fire.|Abbie Hoffman@%If God had really intended men to fly,+he'd make it easier to get to the airport.|George Winters@%The probability of someone watching you is proportional to stupidity of your actions.|A. Kindsvater@%Isn't it strange? The same people that laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously.|Quoted in the Cincinnati Inquirer@%Eternity is a terrible thought.+I mean, where's it going to end?|Tom Stoppard@%Anybody who profits from the experience of others probably writes biographies.|Franklin P. Jones@*LAWYER JOKES++How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?++His lips are moving.|0@%It's been so long since I had sex. I can't remember which person gets tied up.|Joan Rivers@*LIGHT BULB JOKES++How many WASPS does it take to screw a light bulb in?++Two. One to mix the drinks and the other to call the electrician.|0@%I don't have much of a sex life. I have a mirror over my bed. It says, "Objects are larger than they appear."|Dennis Bruce@%The fastest growing thing in nature is a fish-from the time a guy catches it until he tells about it.|0@%What this country needs is more free speech+worth listening to.|Hansell B. Duckett@%A gangster's son spent four years learning how to be a successful safe-cracker.++He was determined to follow in his father's fingerprints.|0@%There exists one bride who treats her husband like a Greek god.++Every meal she places a burnt offering before him.|0@%I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.+I want to achieve immortality through not dying.|Woody Allen@%The reason most of us don't live within our income is because we don't consider that living.|California Highway Patrolman@%When some people talk about their family tree,+they trim off a branch here and there.|Lark Bragg@%There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.|James Holt McGavaran@%The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.|Walt West@%Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.|Bits & Pieces@%It seems a shame that college education should be wasted on high school graduates, who already know everything.|Oren Arnold@%One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to say the wrong thing.|Frank Sheed@%Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.|Doug Larson@*Creditor:++A man who has a better memory than a debtor.|0@*Bill collector:++A man who does believe in putting off until tomorrow what can dunned today.|0@%Blessed are the brief for they are invited again.|0@%Women are like Noahs ark.++When they pack for the weekend they take two of everything.|0@%There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house.|Joe Ryan@%Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.|Peter Ustinov@ hs ark.++When they pack for the weekend they take two of everything.|0@%There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house|Joe Ryan@%Comedy is simple a funny way of being serious|Peter Ustinov@
