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072010303050000144002006006010000 11 2Page #1 F0110000001 9[..◆.◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆.]0110 äThenamesandeventshavebeenchangedtoprotectboththepersonsand theeventsfrompublicpublicity,sincetheinnocentpartinsistedupon notbeingidentifiablewheneverreadbysomeonecapableofidentifying thisperson,eventhoughitshouldbecleartoanyonereadingthisthat theinnocentpartisinnocentofthecrimes(?)committedinthisstory, whichnotatallhasgotanythingtodowithreality...Ithink. Youmightfindthestoryabitconfusinghereandthere,andsomeof thescenesmayoffendtheoddreader(especiallychristians).This, however,isintentional,andisprotectedbythefreedomofspeech. Ç üDancewiththedevil ÇThefinalMegaFileConnectionversion(MFC) byGardEggesbøAbrahamsen dedicatedto"Julie" äExtractfrom"Encyclopædiaofmagic,volume1":à ü GukkulukkÇMagicaldance.Performerdancesrounditssubjectwhilst clappinganddoingsillythings,lookingintensivelyat thesubjectandgenerallyhavingfun.Theeffectisthat thesubjectwillfinditselfstartfeelingfunnyaboutthe performerinaveryfunnyway.Ifthesubjectisunderthe Haaaspell,itwilltipoverandnotrememberanything aboutwhathappenedbetweentheGukkulukkandthenext timeitgetstobreathfreshair.Thefreshairwillbe usedforrecovery.Ifthisrecoveryisinterruptedby furtherattentionfromtheperformeroftheGukkulukk,a crushisboundtostrikethesubject. üHaaaspellÇSpellthatwillawakenthesubject'soptimismaswellas makingitawareoftheexistenceofthespellcaster. OftenusedtogetherwiththeGukkulukk. --------- Thiscan'tbeso.Whyshouldn'tIcaretoliveforthecauseoflife?Why wouldIcommitsuicideatanymomentgiventome?Theremustbealittle bitmoretimeandalittlebitelsetolifethanmeandsillyquotesfrom KylieMinogue'snewestalbum.ByGod(inwhomIdonotbelieve),there mustbemore.AndsoIstretchoutandreachoutfrommybodyinsearch oflife.Tryingtofindalifethatcanbelessdepressingthanthe currentone.AndIstretchsofaroutthatIloosethegripofmybody andfindmyselfstandinginfrontofthegateofKingdomCome.Igently knockonthedoor. AsIstandtherewaitingforsomeonetoopen,Irealizethatthedoor istoothicktoknockthrough,andthereforelookaroundforthedoor bellbeforeIpressthebuttonattachedtoit.Afaintdongsounds throughKingdomCome,andanangelcomestoletmein. Ilettheangelescortmetothegreathallofjustice,wheremymaker issittingonabigchair,judgingmylifefromsecondtosecond,waiting forachancetosendmestraighttohell.ItwasnowInoticedthatthere wassomethingfamiliarwithhim.Helookedupandshowedmethatinsanely wittylookofhis.Yes.Itwasme. Andheopenedhismouthasiftospeak,buthedidn'tspeak,andstill Iheardhisvoice,knewhisthoughtsandcaredlessaboutthefactthat thesurroundingGardswerelisteningtothissilencethatwaspassing betweenus. "Gard,"Iwhisperedtomyself."Isthatme?" "Yes,"mymakeranswered."Itisyou.MynameisGardAlMity,butmy friendsjustcallmeGod,andsomayyou.ButmayIaskmyselfonething Çbeforewegoon:WhatbringsmetoKingdomCome?" AndItoldmyself,God,howIhadbeenlongingfortheansweroflife. WhyshouldIgoonlivingwhenlifeitselfwasnotpresent?Whatwasmy missioninlife?AndI,God,toldmyselfthatthemissionwaswhatever missionIgavemyself.AndasfarasIknew,themissionhadsomethingto dowithfemales. Notabitwiser,Idecidedtogiveitatry,andsoIdescended throughtheskiesofopenandpollutedairbeforeIfoundmybodyand reentereditinamysteriouswaythatinspiredU2tomakeanewsong. Thissongisnowknownas"MysteriousWays"andisfrequentlysenton MTV. Females.Itastedonit.Yeah.Sure.ItühadÇtobe.AndsoIwandered offlookingforthem.Notknowingwheretostart,Ipackedmybagand wentoutthroughoneofthedoorsofmyhome,butIstoppedinthedoor wayandsworetomyself:Shit.Itwasraining.Iwentbackin,foundan umbrella,rantothecarandstartedthelongdrive.Myentirelifewas aheadofme,waitingtobefoundwhereIoncehadlostit. Ididn'texactlyknowwhattosaywhenaverycuddlythingwas standingbytheroadintherain.Icouldnotdoanythingbutstopand pickherup.AndIreallywantedtopickherup.Iopenedthedoorjusta fewinchesinfrontofherandlookedathersmilingfaceandtherain dropsthatmadeherfacesowet.Thesightofthiscuddlyfemalebeing beatenbytherainwastoomuchformetobare. "Comeonin,"Isaidwithagentletoneinmyvoice,offeringhera saferide,andadryone,butsheshookherheadandkeptsmilingasshe toldmethatshealreadyhadacar.Icouldnotseeit.Infact,Icould notseeanothercarformilesandmiles."Don'tbesilly,"Isaid.But shecalledmeamotherfuckerandslammedthedooronmyface.SoIdrove on,intoeternity. Andtherewasavoicecomingfromoverhead,soIlookedup,tryingto findthestereoloudspeakers,butthentherewerenone.Thevoice, however,wasstillthere,anditaskedmewhatIwasdoingineternity, whenIwassupposedtobelookingformylife. Icouldnotanswerthisquestion,andIsoonfoundmyselfback,behind thewheelofmycar,headingfordestinationunknown.Ilookedout throughthefrontshield,anddiscoveredasignpassingby.IsighedasI read,therewere42milestodestinationunknown.Onceagain,Ilookedup tothesky,wonderingifIwasdrivingintherightdirectionand requestingasign. Myrequestwasimmediatelydealtwithbytheoneupthere,andan answermaterializedafewhundredfeetinfrontofmeinsuchan unsuspectedshapeastheshapeofaneonsign.Itflashedgreenandred letters.Largeletters.Lettersforminganiceandwarmmessagethat immediatelymademethinkofloudmusic,vomit,headacheand...females. Thiswastrulyasignofdimensionsneverbeforethoughtof. Istoppedjustbeneaththesignfromabove,gotdownonmyknees, foldedmyhandsandpraisedmyselfforgivingmeasign.Stillonmy kneesIstretchedmyarmsupintotheairtoletthegloriousandsacred lightoftheneonsignfillmybodywithhappinessasIreadthesign frommyoneandonlytruemaster:"DISCO" Lookingaround,Iquicklyfoundahousewithadoorattachedtoit. Throughoneofthewindows,Icouldseeashiningbrightlightfilling thesoulsofthepeoplethatwerehoppingaroundinecstasywithadivine spiritmuchmoredivinethanPlantiac. AndIfeltthedivinityshinethroughmeeventhoughIwasstandingon theoutside.Andthedivinityfilledmyheart,makingmewishformore.I slowlyenteredthehouse,letthebangingrhythmssmashmyheadand thrashmybodyasmyeyesstarteditssearchfortheDivineReasonIwas here. Ecstasycaughtme.Istartedthrashingaroundwiththerhythm, Çshaking,rattlingandrolling,untilsuddenly,therhythmstoppedfora moment.Tryingtocatchmybreath,Imovedawayfromthesourceofthe uncontrollablefeeling.AsIdidthis,amostminute,butstillsocuddly creaturealmostthrewitselfatme,screamingaspellatthesametime. Icouldnotpossiblyreproducethespellhere.Withallitscomplexity ofitspronunciation,acompletereproductionthroughwritingcanüneverÇ bedone,butitssoundwouldverymuchbedescribedasa"Haaa!" Myfeetstartedtrembling.Myheadturnedaround.Myheartstoppedfor asecondortwo.Therewasnodoubtaboutit.Thespellhadtakeneffect. Assoonasmylungswerefinishedbreathing,Iwasdrawnbacktothearea ofthehousewheretherhythmstookcontrol. Onceagain,mybodywasshaking,rattlingandrolling.Ithrashedmy headtoandfro.Ilostcontrol-untilsuddenly,thefemalethathad castthespellhadstartedhermagicaldanceroundhervictim.Andthe victimwasme.Ismiled.Ilovedit.Andshesmiledback.Yes.Thishad tobetheDivineReason. Thewords"Julie"and"Gukkulukk"wentthroughmyhead.Ididnotknow whatthesewordsmeant.Amagicalwalkmansweptinfromnowhereandtold methat"Julie"wasthenameofthefemale.Theotherword-"Gukkulukk" wasstillunexplainedtome. Ican'tquiterememberwhathappenedafterthis.Itseemsasifithas beenerasedfrommymind,orasifitwascompletelyunimportant.Every movementafterthismagicaldancehasbeenremovedfrommymemory,and thenextthingIcanrecallismebeingshovedoutofthehouseof divinitybyacoldsoulthatwantedthedivineradiationforitself. Mytiredeyeslookedwithmixedemotionsontheflashingneonsign, andmylungswereonceagainfilledwithfreshair.Somehow,itsdivinity wassomuchclearer,now,butstillitwassomewhatweakerthanbeforeI hadenteredthehouse.Yes,indeed.Quitealotofthedivinityhad magicallybeentransferredtoacuddlyfemaleIcouldonlyrecallbylook andthename"Julie". AndIcouldrecallthespellcastingandthemagicaldance.AndI rememberedthewordsthathadgonethroughmyhead.Julie.Gukkulukk. WouldIeverseeheragain? Myprayerswere,ofcourse,answeredimmediately,asJuliepoppedup togetherwithtwootherfemales.Sheonceagaindidanotherapproachon myloadedbrain,askingifIknewsomeoneIknew.Idid.Andonceagain, Ifeltthefeelingofdivinepowersglowingfromher. Thefollowingdayswentsmoothly,gettinginformationfromdifferent sourcesabouttheminutefemalethathadfilledmyheartwithemotionsI hadneverfeltbefore.ShewasdefinitelymyonlyReason.Iwassmiling, hopingandwishing.ItwasfinallymyturntoknowtheDivineReason.And forthefirsttime,Icouldsenselovenearby. "Gard,"anearbyvoicesaid,wakingmeupfrommydailydreams.I turnedandstaredintotheeyesofafemalethatwassittingafewfeet fromme."Catch,"shecontinued,asshethrewasmallpieceofpaperover tome. Itwasimportanttome.ThefinalpieceofinformationIneededto makemehappy.Slowly,Iopenedthesmallnoteandreadthetinyletters, postponingmyreactiontilllater.Andlaterwasapproximately10minutes later. Ifoldedthepieceofpaper,toreitapart.Foramoment,Iwantedto eatitandgetdrunk,butthelittlesenseIhadleftstoppedmeandmade metearthenoteabitmoreapartbeforeIthrewitintothenearest trashcan."NO!"Iyelledinsidemyhead,bangingmybraintotheinside ofmyskull."NO!"Iheardtheechorepeat. ä Caughtinavertigo Thingsarerunningroundmyhead Circlespenetratemybrain ä NowonderI'mgettingconfused! Thecirclesrunningroundmyhead Thecirclesrunningroundinmyhead I'mfallinginavortex Ofconfusion LittlecanIdo Togetawayfromthisdeathtrap Ican'ttakenomore I'vegottofindmywayout Thecirclesrunningroundmyhead Thecirclesrunningroundinmyhead I'mfallinginavortex Ofconfusion Mybrainiscooking Mybodyisshaking Myeyesarepoppingoutofmyhead And... Thecirclesrunningroundmyhead Thecirclesrunningroundinmyhead I'mfallinginavortex Ofconfusion Ç Howcouldshe?Schwartzenegger!HereIcome!Givemeblood,giveme torture.LettheincrediblesoundsofDeathAngels,DarkAngel,Slayer, Megadeth,VendettaandSepulturafillmysoul.Shownomercyforthegood feelingsthatwouldremaininmybody.Getridofthatspell!Idon't wantitanymore! ä BlippBlopp Myheartsaysstop BlippBlopp YourthroatgoeschopÇ EdgarAlanPoe,showmehowtokill.Arnold,showmelotsofblood. Letmeseethosepeoplesuffer,letmeseethosepeopledie.Thereis nothingformeonthisearth,sowhyshouldtherebeanythingforthem? Thrashtheworld,slaughterthepeople.I'llreleasemyaggression anywhereIgo. ä There'snothingforme Inthisfuckin'world SoIthinkI'llnukeit. Shit,amIdepressed?Ç ButaminutevoiceinthebackofmyheadwhisperedthatIhadtogo onwithmylife.18yearsaftermybirthwastooearlytodie.Imight noteverhaveafemaleinmyarms,butitisstilltooearlytotell.And evenifIshouldeverexperiencetohaveafemaleinmyarms,Imightnot everfeelthesameemotionsagain.Andmylifemightbetooshortforme toknow. AsalonelymaleIgotintothisworld,andasalonely,untouchedand innocentmale,Iwillprobablyalsoleaveit. ä Innocence,don'tstaywithme Innocence,dropdead Innocence,fuckoffÇ Iparkthecar,themoonisshining.I'malone,togetherwiththe reflectionsofthemooninthewater.IsighasIfallasleep,hugging thecarseatindesperation... Ç --------- Withallthosefemalesrushingbymyparkedcar,itishardnottowake up.Iopenmyeyesandstretchmyarmsandmylegs,shakingthelastbit ofsleepoutofmybody.Aquicksplashofwaterinmyfaceandabig sprayofdeodorantundermyarmbeforeturningontheradio.Tuneitin ontheneareststationandrelaxasIlistentothenews. EataquickbreakfastasI'matitandcleanupthemessinthecar beforeheatinguptheengine.Openthatwindowandcheckoutifanyof thenearbygirlswishesaride. "Fuckyou,"oneofthemsaidasshethrewabucketofwaterthrough theopenwindow.Atacticalretreatwasobviouslyagreatneedinthis situation.SoIclosedthewindowandwentoffwithnoDivineReasonand nodestination.Theonlythingguidingmewasthefaintimageofavery special,minute,cuddlyfemalethathadcastaspellonmejustthree monthsbefore. AndmygoingwentgoneasIrealizedthatIhadnothingmoretolive for.Ipushedthegastothefloorandwatchedastheroadwasrushing towardsmeatanincreasingspeed.Thiswas,ofcourse,tobepunished. Ahitchhikerjumpedintotheroad,andsinceIdidn'twanttospill anybloodonthefrontofmycar,Iturnedthewheelandjustavoidedthe hitchhiker.Butthistime,Iwasheadingofftheroad.Iturnedthe wheeloncemore.AgainIwasheadingforthehitchhiker.Ihitthebreak andstoppedthecarjustafewinchesinfrontofthehitchhiker.I thankedmyselfupthereformyincredibleluck. Idrovecalmlytothenextpublicbuilding,whereapartyobviously wasgoingon.Whathappenedtomenext,I'mnotquitesure.Itfeltasif desperationtookovermybrainandpushedmeintothepartyandontothe stagewhereIhappilystartedtosing"SpeakEnglishorDie"byS.O.D. Itwasunfortunatethathardcoremetalwasn'ttolerated,assome foolishlookingguy(hehadveryshorthair)triedtogetmeoffthe stage.ButIwasstillpossessedbythedesperationthathadpushedme ontothestage.MyheadwasthrownineverydirectionpossiblewhileI wassinging.Myneckstartedhurting,andIfinallyrealisedwhythey calleditheadbanging. Thiswouldallbeverywellifthefoolwiththeshorthairhadn't broughthisbaseballbat.Theworldwasshakingandfallingapartunder myfeet(orwasittheotherwayaround?).Asecondlater,Ifoundmyself lyingonthefloor,notsinging,buttwistingandturninginpain.Apain soawfulitcan'tbereproducedonpaper.Thepainwasstrengthenedas thefoolcompletedhisworksbystickinghisbatinmystomach.Hethen draggedmeoffthestageandkickedmedownthestairs. "Julie,"avoicewhisperedintomybrain. "Gukkulukk,"anothervoicetoldme. "Klllgllglkrll,"Iuttered,coughingupsomeblood.Thebloodhada strangetaste,soIspitteditontothefloorandlookedatitlayan inchinfrontofmybareeyes. "What?"thefoolasked,tryingtounderstandmytwistedwordsand thoughtsthatwereswimmingthroughthepoolsofbloodbeforethey finallyreachedmymouth,whichatthemomenthappenedtobetheworst outputfacilityavailable."Claire?"hethoughthemanagedtointerpret myword.Withoutwaitingforananswer,hepushedmeovertoaverysexy creaturewhosenamewasClaire. "Dnnnnnschkkkklll,"Iuttered,coughingupsomemoreblood.Myfeet collapsedoncemore,andthenextthingIrememberiswakinguponthe floor.Thebuildingwasempty,withtheexceptionofmyselfandthepools ofbloodIhadcoughedupduringtheparty. Afaintimageofaminutefemaleappearedinfrontofme.Ishookmy head,tryingtoshakeitoff,butnosuchluck.Theimagewasstill Çthere,remindingmeofadisco,flashinglights,ecstasyandmagical dances. Igotuponmyfeetandslowlydraggedmyselfoutofthepartyzone. Leaningtooneofthewalls,Itookafewdeepbreathsoffreshair, clearingupmymind.Thestarswereshiningbrightspotsinthesky, radiatingsomesortofdivinity,butstillsofarawayandweak. Undoubtedly,Ihadleftmyselftolivemylifeformyown.Thisdespite ofthefactthatIhadn'tyetfoundmylife. "Excuseme,"avoicesaidbehindme.Iturnedaroundandmettheeyes ofacertainfemaleIhadmetsomewhatearlier.Withoutaword,Iasked hertocontinue."Doyouknowthisgirl?"sheasked,makingmenoticeshe wascarryingasomewhatdrunkfemaleIcertainlyknew. "Yeah,"Ianswered,gettingtotallylostinmyownthoughtsofDivine Reasonsandthemeaningoflife.Awindblewonmynose,andthefresh airstreamedintomylungsastheimagefadedawayandthewallofthe publicbuildingonceagainappearedinfrontofme. Thepaininmyarmgotstronger,andIstartedtofreezeasthewind startedblowing.Myhairwentwild,triedtochokeme,butanunknown Reasonkeptmealiveandpushedmeintomycar.Iwasalive,butdead. Andasadeadfish,Idesperatelywantedoutofthenetthathadcaught me.Anetofmagicstrings,Icouldnotcutthemwithaknife.Iwould justgetaglimpseofthefishermannowandthen,asthefishermanhad putoutthenetforfun.Andmybodywouldrotinthatnet,pollutingthe searatherthanendingupasafrieddinner. Thesmellofdinnerpassedby.Lasagne.Thesmellofanewyear roundingthecornerofthemonth.Lasagne.Thesmellofagoodwishfor myself.Ineededlotsofspice.Addiction. --------- "Happynewyear,Gard,"aknownvoicesaid.Ofcourse.Oneofmy neighbourshadspottedmeasIwasalmostcrawlingthroughthehugemass ofinsanepeoplethatconstantlywereshootingeachotherwithminiature missilesandputtingbombsinthetrashcans.IfthishadbeeninGreat Britain,theywoulddefinitelybeenmisidentifiedastheIRAdoing anotherterroristattackatinnocentpeople.This,however,wasthe Norwegiannewyearseve. "Happynewyear,"Ianswered,beingslightlyironical.NotthatI preferredanunhappynewyear,butmydoubtswerecreepingupmyback, whisperingpessimisticthoughtsintomyear.Mychainofthoughtswas interruptedbyahugeexplosioninfrontofme.Paininmyears.Painin myeyes.Acloudofgunsmokehadarisenfromthegroundandinit,I couldseethefaintimageofanextremelycuddlyfemalewiththename Julie.Ishookmyhead,triedtothinkofsomethingelse,onlyto recognizethechaosthatwassurroundingme. Thevoicebehindmeseemedtobeafamiliarone."Gukkulukk,"itsaid. Iturnedquicklyaroundandspottedalittlebombonthegroundjusta fewinchesawayfromme.Ithrewmyselftothegroundjustasthebomb exploded.Theworldwasturningaround,myfeethurt,myheadhurt,I hurt,andIcouldstillseetheimageofthefemaleinfrontofme. Itseemedsoreal,Istretchedmyarmouttograbit,butallI grabbedwasthethickpollutedairthatwastryingtopoisonmewithgun smoke.Itwasthenthefeelingofadivinepowerliftedmeintotheair inaterriblespeed.AmissilejustmissedmebeforeIarrivedatoneof thefewcloudsthatwerecoveringtheskythisclearnewyearseve. Therewasabigflashandthesweetsoundofanelectricguitarasmy surroundingschanged,andIfoundmyselfinthegreathallofjustice, wheremytrueMasterwasawaiting. "Gard,"myMastertoldme."I'msorryIhavetotalktomyselfinthis way,butyouhaven'tlivedproperlythelast6800days,orso.IknowI'm Çgonnaregretthis,butIhavetogotohell." "But...I'mworkingonit,can'tIsee?I'mreallytrying.Please, can'tIgivemyselfanotherchance?"Iscreamed. MyMasterputachewingguminhismouthandstartedchewing.Thenhe stoppedchewingandstartedthinking.Aminuteortwolater,hegaveup. "I'mabsolutelyright,"hesaid."I'llgivemyselfanotherchance.Here wego,"Heliftedhisarms,castspellandanelectricalchargeflashed throughtheskyinverymuchthesamewayaslightningsdo."I'mright," heshouted,buthisshoutfadedawayasthedistancegrewbetweenus,and itwascompletelygonewhenIfinallyarrivedinmybed. Theelectricalchargehitthedishantennajustbeneathmywindow,and thebluelightwasilluminatingmyroomasIfeltanelectriccurrent streamthoughmybody.Wasthiswhattheycalledarecharge?Igotupon myfeetandlookedthroughthesquareglass-coveredholeinthewall, wonderingwhyitwascalledawindow. Itwasblowingoutside.Treesbentover,streetlampsbentover,cars werejumpingupanddown,makingmewonderifaerodynamictechnology reallyhadgonefarenoughorifitwasn'tworthdoingmoreresearchon itforanothertenyears. Aroofpassedbythewindow,nowandthen,andwiththem,animageof afemalethatIfeltmeantsoextremelymuchtome.Shewastrulyan angel. Iclosedmyeyes,andtheimagewasstillthere."Cometome,"the imagewhispered.Ohyes,Iwould.Iwould,ifIcould.Igotdownonmy knees,stretchedoutmyarmstoletthedivineimagefillmybodywith hopeandlonging. "I'mcoming,mydivinebeauty,daughterofthelight,sisterofmy life,I'mcoming!"Iwhispered."I'mcomingifyou'llletme."AndI openedmyeyes,discoveringthattheimagehaddisappeared.Adumbsound soundedfromabove,andIgottheimpressionthattheroofwasleavingme forgood,butnosuchluck.Stillintact,thehousedefiedthebeating wind,asifthedivinepowerfromtheelectricalchargehadsomethingto dowithit. Igotintothecar,hopingtobeblownawaybythewindanysecond. Buttomydespair,thecarwasstucktothegroundlikearock."C'mon, blowmeaway,"Iscreamed."Aslongasthedivinefemaleiswithsomeone else,thereisnoreasonformetolivemylife!" Thewindquitblowing.Damn! Igotoutofthecar."àKILLME,DAMIT!Ç"Iheardmyechorepeatmywish farfaraway,andIrealisedthatIwastalkingtoamountainthat wouldn'tmove.Noglove,nolove,Ithought,wanderingoffintothehouse whilstlisteningtothesoundsofanoiltankerhittingarock.Listening tothesoundofthetankercrackingabitopen,andtheoilpouringout intothesea. Thebirdswentfurious,andthebirdrockofRundeconsideredtakinga stepbacktoavoidgettingdirtybytheblackthickliquidthehumans likedtocalloil. Deathanddevastationwentthroughmymind.Ineededmoreviolence.I neededmorepizzas.Ineededmoreblood.AndIcouldn'tbarethesightof theRenault18nomore.Iclosedmyeyes,hopingitwouldallgoaway. --------- Icanfeelthatsomebodyislurkingintheshadowsbehindme.Ifeelthis person'scarefulstareatmybackthatchecksoutifI'mlookinginthat direction.I'mnot. Thepersoncarefullysneaksupbehindmeandgentlyblindsmeby layingthesofthandsinfrontofmyeyes."Guesswho?"thewarmvoiceof afemalewhisperssensuallyintomyear. "Julie,"Imumble,grabbingherhandstokissthem. Ç "Gukkulukk,"Julierepliesbeforeshedisappearsinapuffofblack smokethatfillstheroomwithastrangefemininesmellandthestrange feelingthatIhavelostsomethingimportant.S.O.D.appearsforasecond ortwototellmetokillmyself,butmyinsanitykeepsmealive. "Goanddosomethingaboutit,"avoiceoverheadspoke,determined, overwhelmingandunopposable.Istartedstepdancing,heardthemusic playfromanunknownspotintheroomthatprobablywascoveredwith clearasil. ä"Lostinadream, Idon'tknowwhich Waytogo..."Ç DiscoveringthatIhadstartedquotingPaulaAbdul,Iquicklyfoundthe cameraandrecordeditonavideotape. ä Ai...ai...ey... ShouldIstayorshouldI... Killmyself,killmyself Whydon'tIkillmyself? Isitjustinsanityorisit justthelifeIdeny?Why? Ç AndnowIhadstartedquotingGloriaEstefan,theClash,S.O.D.and Vendetta.Ithrashedaround,bangingthekeyboardofmycomputerfora coupleofhours,writingapproximately45kilobytesoftextbeforeI threwmyselfontomybed,almostwishingthatspellneverhadbeencast uponme.Theimagewouldn'tdissolve.Theimagewashanginginfrontof melikeashadowofdarknessthatwasmissinginmyheart,apintof bloodthatwasmissingfrommyveins.Myfleshwasburning,andmyentire chestwasonfire.TheimageofJulie,thedivinefemale,washauntingmy headandwouldnotletgo,andIrealizedthatitwouldnotgoaway beforeIgottotellherhowIfelt,tellhereverything,dancewithher andgotothemovieswithher. Thefireinmychestgothotter,andmyfleshstartedcrawlingaway frommybody,soIhurriedintothebathroomandtookanicecold shower.WhenIgotbacktomybed,mybodywasstilllyingthere,mostly ablaze. ä ThebloodIshed Ithinkyou'redead Andyou'relyingonmybedÇ There'saholeinmyheart.Sometimes,itfeelsasifaflyhasgotten intoit,butit'scompletelysealedoff.It'sfilledwithemptiness, mostly,andnothingnesskeepspouringintoit.Why,Iask,whydon'tI putmyfingerinittomakeitstopbleeding?AndsoIturnontheTVand waitformypizzatoburn.Ilikeitburnt,becauseIliketoidentify myselfwithit. AndIinsertthepizzainmymouthandseethebodyonbed.It'sme lyingthere,quotingmyself,quotingeverybodyelse,andwritingitall down.AfaintimageofafemalehauntsmythoughtsandactionsasIfall heavilyontomybed,nexttomyself,fullyawareofthefactthatI'mthe onlyonethere. SoIslammyheadtothewall.Watchthebloodsticktoitinits desperateattempttostickontosomething,keepingthelastbitsoflife initoppressedbutalive.Letthebrainpouroutofmyhead,thereisno needtokeepitinmystupidheadthatispushingitunderthelimitof existence.Afatalblowtocrushthewallthatisstandingbetweenmeand ÇmyKingdomCome,hereIcome,myMaster. AndIliethereinacoma,withnochanceofrecovery.Icannotmove. Icannotspeak.Icannotexpressmymeaningsandfeelings.Likethe untalentedfoolthatfailedlife,Ileavemybodybehind,hopingitwill diesoon. IentertheworldofKingdomCome,watchthesunglowingina mysteriousway.Thereisnowind,butstillthetreesarewhisperingto me,quietly,calmly,gently,withwordsthatarehardtograsp,butsoon Irecognizethem."Gukkulukk,"theytellme."Julie." AndIturnaroundasIhearacrackingsoundbehindme.Aminute femalethatIeasilyrecognizedisstandingthere,withaminutesmileon herface,sowarmandsensual,untouchable.Shejumpsontome,letme loosemybalance,andwerollaroundonthegrassinadivineecstasy, huggingeachother. "Julie,"Iwhisper. "Gard,"shewhispersback. Andwebothfallintoamomentaryvacuuminspaceandtime,feelingno gravityorground.Thereisnowindblowing,it'sjustthetwoofus, together,beingoneinaveryspecialway,givingmeaveryspecial feelingonlythisveryspecialfemaleknowshowtogiveme. Then,nothing.Emptiness.Aperfectlackoffeelingsandemotions,as ifeverythinghappenedonascreeninfrontofme,andthevideowas turnedoffbysomebodypressingthestopbutton. "Gard,"Iheardsomebodywhisperintomyear.Iopenedmyeyesandgot blindedbythelightfromthesunthatwasshiningthroughthewindowof mybedroom. "Gard,"thevoicerepeated.Turningmyheadabit,Isawmymother standingaboveme,lookingabitworried."Gard,you'relate," Iquicklylookedatmywatch.Seveno'clock.Damn!Thebuswouldleave inhalfanhour.Igotdressed,atebreakfastandranouttocatchthe bus.Ijustmadeit. Sittinginthebus,Idonothing,justexperiencethelackofa certainfemalebymyside.AndIthinkofthetimesthatneveroccurred. Howtheworldwould'vechanged.ThoughtsoftheinspirationI'mlacking, howmuchinspirationIwould'vehadifthesourcewasnearmeabitmore oftenthannever. I'msittinginapub,withaglassofcokeinmyhand.Drinkingthe cokefrommyglass.Athickslimylumpiscreepingupmythroat,waiting forachancetokickmyeyesout.Quietly,Iwalkoutofthepubandlook atthedarkskywithitsminutespotsthatareshiningsobright,butso faraway. AndIcastacurseatapassingflyasIrealisethatI'mnotdrunk simplybecauseIwon'tletmedrinkalcoholicliquors."Haaa,"Iwhisper tomyself,sniffingatearthathasfallenfrommylefteyeintomynose. Thetearhasleftathinlineofwetskinundermyeye,soIwipeitoff withmyhand."Fuckit,"ImumbleasIgetupandwalkovertothenearby beach."Life'stoocruel." Theseaiscalm,butIcanhearthesoundofbiggerwavesfurtherout, violentlyhittingeachotherinanger.Moonlightisreflectinginthe water,seductivelycallingforme,whisperingtomeabouthowallpain willendasIletgointothesea. Justbythemoon,Iseethefaceofthedivinefemalethatcastthe spellonme.Anothertearappearsinmyeye,butIdon'tbotherabout wipingitaway. Openingmyeyes,Iwasbackinthebus.Peoplewereallaroundme, laughing,havingfun,chatting.Allbutme,astheseatbymysidewas empty.Istretchedmyhanduptopullthestringthatwashangingabove Çme,bythewindow.Abellsounded,andthebusstopped.Igotoff.I wouldwalkthelastpart...alone. Afterthis,Icouldnotrememberanything,asiftheworldrolledby. Idon'tknowwhathappened,justheartheoddsoundofscreamingfemales andaflashingneonsign.Nothingelse.Ican'tmakemuchoutofit.It's justthereasamemoryI'veforgottenanddon'twanttoremember. --------- Theloudhammeringofadoorbeingslammedshatteredthesilenceasit echoedthroughtheemptycorridor.Thebrokensilencetriedtofightback butwasonceagainknockeddownbyrestlessfootstepsmovingdownthe corridor,showingthewaytotwohumanvoicesthatseemedtobesomewhat concerned. Twoitemsofmetalscrapedagainsteachother.Ahatchopened.Light leakedintotheroomlikeablobofslimefillingthealreadychokingly thickemptinessoftheroom,revealingaboywhowasstaringatthegrey, shadowlesswalls,barelymovinghislips. Theboyhadlong,uncuthair,glassesandaminutemustage.His SepulturaT-shirtwassoakedwithbloodandsnot,drippingdownontohis trousers. "Gukkulukk,"hewasmumblingtohimself,beforerealizingthatsome nostypeoplewerewatchinghim.Heturnedhisheadandsquintedwithfear inhiseyesattheopenhatch,asifitwasdeathitselfthatwaspeeking intohim."Gukkulukk!"hewhisperedwithamixtureofpainandmystery inhisdeepbreath. Oneofthemeninthecorridorspoke."Wefoundhimoutsideadisco. Hehadcrucifieda12-year-oldtoaneonsign,underwhichhewas kneelingandpraying,callingforsomeonecalledJulie." "Doyouthinkitisoneofthosenewsatani...?"theotheronetried toask,butwasrudelycutoffbyaloudgrowlfromthesmallboyinthe cell. Hewasnowutteringagurglebeforehestarteddroolingonthefloor, stillstaringatthewall.Sweatwettenedhisfaceashisarmswere gettingrestless,tryingtoescapefromtheT-shirt,itseemed.Hegotup onhisfeet,screaming."Julie!MasteroftheGukkulukk!Comeforme!I'm yours!" "Whenheburstoutlikethat,we'vefoundsomethingquite interesting,"thefirstmaninthecorridorsaid,asheconnecteda walkmantoapanelbythedoorwhichallowedhimtoplaythetapeforthe psychopathinthecell. Almostimmediately,theboycrackedupandendeduponhisknees, weeping.Mannumbertwointhecorridorlookedatthewalkman.Through thefrontofit,hecouldbarelyseethelabelofthetapesaying "Guns'n'Roses:Yesterdays". Afteraminuteorso,theboygotbackuponhisfeetandstarted banginghisheadtothewalls.Bloodstartedrunningfromthemarkson thewall,colouringawayitsmonotonoussadgreyness.Eventually,theboy fellbackontothefloor,whispering."Gukkulukk,gukkulukk," "He'llbefine,"thefirstmansaidasheunpluggedhiswalkmanand closedthehatchagain."Let'sgo." Restlessfootstepsechoedthroughthecorridorbeforeadoorwas slammedshut.Yetagain,silencefilledthegreycells.Justthemumbling ofsomeonerepeatedlywhispering"Gukkulukk,"couldbeheard,aswellas anotheronecryingforJulie.Anotheronewasgreatlytalkingabout Alida.YetanotheronewastalkingtohimselfaboutMiranda.Afifth was... üChristineII-thesequel ÇbasedonthelostscriptbyKingStephen ÇandfinallyrewrittenbyGardEggesbøAbrahamsen dedicatedto"Julie" Hugemachines,large,enormous,thrashing,smashing,bashing,crushing thesmaller,lessharmfulmachinesthataretooweaktodefend themselves.Thehumanbeingisstandingbythesideastheweakest,but stillthemostharmfulmachineseverbuilt. Themachines,builtforthehumans,tobeslaves,workingforthe humans,killingothermachines,andsometimesotherhumans.Theyrarely thinkwiththeirmetalbrains.Theyjustsmashandcrushalldaylong, trustingthehumansfully,untilthehumansbetraythemandbuildother machinestocrushthefaithfulones. Who'stodecidewhichmachineistodieandwhichmachineistolive? Otherpeoplewouldsaythatallmachinesaretodie,anyway.Alawof naturethatcannotbedenied. Butmachinesdielonely,liketheygotintothisworld,lonely.Allof whatiskeepingthemupisthesmallglimpsestheygetofothermachines. Still,therewasonemachinethatwouldnotletgo.Shewasacar,and hernamewasChristine. Christinewasbornnaughty.She"accidentally"killedahumanthatwas checkingouthergear,andshe"accidentally"killedafewotherpeople whoweredrivingher.Onecouldsaythatshewasgivingthehumansa roughride. Therewere,ofcourse,exceptions.Thereweresomepeoplesheloved, butstill,itwasnotthesameashavinganothercar.Acarshecould spendhertimewith,havingfun,gojoyriding,scaringstupidhumansas itseemedasiftheyweredrivingwithoutadriver. Itwasatadrive-indisco,shesawhim.Abrandnewmodelfrom Toyota.Shedrovearoundhimafewtimes,racingtheengine.Apassing humanwouldeasilyconfusethissoundwiththehumanword"Haaa". ChristinethoughtshelikedtheToyota,butshewasn'tquitesureif helikedher.Surely,ifshe'dasked,hewouldsayyes.Definitely.He washungry.Hungryforfun,hungryforexperiencingmadandcrazythings togetherwithanothercar.Andnow,hewashungryforChristine. ThepassinghumanlookedabitcloseratChristine."Christine,"it said."Isthatyou,Christine?"Christineracedherengineoncemore. Thistime,itwasnotconfusedwitha"Haaa",butitwasdefinitely interpretedasathreat.ThehumanstaredatChristineasshepushedthe gasinandstartedracingtowardsit. Therewasalittle"splat"soundasthehumandisintegrated.Alittle bloodgotstuckonChristine'sfrontshield.Shehurriedtowipeitoff beforeshereturnedtotheToyota. "Toyota,"shewhisperedintohisgastank."MyToyota,myonlyToyota. You'retheToyotaofmylife.Iwanttospendtherestofmydayswith you,Toyota."Thenshethrewaminuteportionofwaterathimandopened herhood. TheToyotagotquiteamazedwiththisactionandwasabouttohopon whenChristinedisappearedintothinair,leavingonlytheexhaust behind.TheToyotacaughtabitbeforeitreluctantlyrolledofftothe nearestcarcemeteryandgotsomewhatdepressinglycompressedbyanother machine.