NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #26/NN_1992_26.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/d/474

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-08 | 40.7 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!pmafire!news.dell.com!swrinde!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!ub!galileo.cc.rochester.edu!troi.cc.rochester.edu!dsew
From: [e-mail] (David Sewell)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Canonical Woodchuck #2
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 9 Nov 92 17:45:06 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: University of Rochester - Rochester, New York
Lines: 1029
Nntp-Posting-Host: troi.cc.rochester.edu



[467-01]
---19553 3.0 clhp19-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: Always The Last To Know <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How much Food would a Foodchuck chuck if a Foodchuck would chuck Food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BW:   "HELLOOOO Sports fans! And welcome to the 1992 Typo Olympics!
} I'm Biff Whitesides along with Billy Bob Brunnel, and we'll be
} bringing you in-depth coverage of the many events here today in
} Be-au-ti-ful Nome (wait, I thought we were going to Rome...)"
}
} BBB:  "Ye-sir-ee Biff. It should be a great one."
}
} BW:   "Now on to the action. For our first event, we look to the
} middle of the field. As you can see Michael Jordan is warming up.
} He's had some trouble with the sport lately. Seems his back can't take
} the stress."
}
} BBB:  "Ye-sir-ee Biff. Tree Throws are very difficult, especially
} when you're used to shooting free throws. Those trees aren't filled
} with air, like a basketball is."
}
} BW:   "Or our heads, right Billy Bob? Heh Heh... Oh, look there's
} Jordan's throw, and it's a weak attempt. That's too bad. Looks like we
} might find some more excitement over at the sump pits."
}
} BBB:  "Ye-sir-ee Biff. The Sump Jump compitetition over here is fast
} and furious. The long jumping world hasn't been the same since that
} misspelling on that zoning application which created this sport. The
} atheletes just seem to have more incentive to clear 'the pit'."
}
} BW:   "The smell over here is making me nauseous, let's go to
} something...cleaner."
}
} BBB:  "Ye-sir-ee Biff. Over here we have the Minute Race. The
} competitors have a minute to run the 100 meter distance. Any faster
} than that, and they are disqualified, and of course, no time-keeping
} devices are allowed."
}
} BW:   "It sure does take a unique sense of timing to win the Minute
} Race. However, the competitors' walking pace is probably boring our
} viewers. Let's go to something more...visually appealing."
}
} BBB:  "Ye-sir-ee Biff. Over here is a sport instituted as a result
} of an Oracle posting. It seems the sport had been going on in an
} unorganized fashion in cafeterias in schools all across the world, but
} before a certain supplicant asked a question, food chucking was not
} given the credit it deserved."
}
} BW:   "That's right, Billy Bob. And I just hope the disgusting
} nature of this event, with slop everywhere, has taught the supplicant
} to be careful about proofreading his posts."
}
} BBB:  "We can only hope. Otherwise we might end up with the Oracle
} making love to a Visa, or having a lisp."
}
} BW:   "Ye-sir-ee, Billy Bob. That we could. And on that note, we'll
} sign off, saying, so long!"
}
} You own the Oracle.

[472-10]
---01111 3.5 clhp19-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Yo Oracle!
>
> How much wood would Chuck Berry chuck if Chuck Berry was a woodchuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yo dude.
}
} Down at Indiana at the iuvax,
} Where censorship of supplicants is rather lax,
} An omnipotent being name of "Oracle" got
} Another "woodchuck question" - expect a *ZOT*.
}
} Go, go Orrie go
} Go, go Orrie go
} Go, go Orrie go
} Go, go Orrie go go go -
} Orrie B Goode.
}
} Now for all you with an IQ less than Nikkei Dow,
} Don't ask a "woodchuck question" - I'll dissuade you now.
} I've reprimanded supplicants for asking less -
} Believe me, for the cleaners it was quite a mess.
}
} So,
} Go, go mortal go
} Go, go mortal go
} Go, go mortal go
} Go, go mortal go go go -
} Just go.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent cover version of "Rock & Roll Music".
}
} +--------------------------------------------------------------------+
} |    _          The Usenet Oracle (ake Orrie B. Goode)               |
} |   / \                                                              |
} |   \ /         All views expressed here are the truth and don't     |
} |    Y          you forget it.                                       |
} | ---+---                                                            |
} |    |          "I don't need a witicism in _my_ .sig"               |
} |    |              - T.U.O.                                         |
} +--------------------------------------------------------------------+

[473-05]
---01210 3.0 radel-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: Todd Radel <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck _couldn't_
> chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very little, obviously, since woodchucks who don't chuck wood are
} invariably singled out and mercilessly hacked to death by their
} denmates.  This occurence, known as "Chucking Out", is exceedingly
} rare, since non-chuckers are almost unheard of in nature, and has only
} been filmed once, in 1970, by the crew of Mutual of Omaha's Wild
} Kingdom.  The sequence, deemed too violent by network censors, showed
} in graphic detail a mob of frenzied woodchucks, portruding incisors
} gleaming like scimitars in the sun, descending upon and shredding their
} hapless brother, then stuffing their cheek pouches full in an orgy of
} cannibalistic excess. In a particularly disturbing series of shots, an
} obviously overwrought Marlin Perkins, having apparently stripped off
} his clothes off camera, plunges naked into the melee, repeatedly
} screaming "The horror!  The horror!"  He is ultimately corralled when a
} hysterical Jim Fowler fells him with a tranquilizer dart.
}
} Now you know.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pound of chucked wood.

[476-10]
---4aa85 3.0 noe-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: Roger Noe <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       As the leap effect cleared, Sam found himself sitting back in a
> plush, cloud-like chair.  A gentle breeze was supplied by a scantily
> clad woman with a huge feathered fan.  Sitting to his right was another
> woman, who could only be described as a goddess, staring at him with
> breathless adoration and expectation.  "Orrie," she murmured, in a voice
> as sweet as melted butter, "the lowly supplicant is awaiting a
> response."
>       With a grating sound, the Imaging Chamber door opened and Al
> walked out, his jaw dropping as he caught sight of the goddess.  "Sam!"
> he exclaimed, "I can't believe it!  You've leaped into the Usenet
> Oracle." He pointed with his cigar and said, "THAT is the infamous
> Lisa." His eyes narrowed and he grumbled, "You lucky dog."
>       Sam scowled at the hologram and glanced at the piece of ancient
> parchment in his hand.  It read:
>       "Yo, Oracle!  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
> could chuck wood?  Hahahahahaha."
>       Sam slumped back in his chair and rubbed his forehead, moaning,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa notices Sam's/the Oracle's distress, and purrs "Oh, dear...
} *another* woodchuck question?  Here, let me help you forget *all* about
} those thankless supplicants..." [straddles his lap and begins massaging
} his temples] "...there now, isn't that better?" she coos softly...
}
} "Uh, Sam," Al interjects, "I hate to interrupt, but Ziggy says there's
} an 84 point oh-four chance that you're supposed to answer that
} question.  If you do, you should leap right outta here... Sam?"
}
} "...hmm?... oh... what do I have to do?" Sam mumbles, distracted.
}
} "ooh, nothing dear" lilts Lisa, "you just let me take charge this
} time..."
}
} "Uh, Sam" interrupts Al, "Ziggy now says that ...[poink! ptew!]... that
} you have to answer this question, else there will be a tremendous
} backlog on the Usenet, gradually filling up all available storgae space
} with unanswered questions.  You *have* to answer this one
} and...[staring at Lisa's undulating form]...and...and...[staring
} harder]...and...how does she hold that up, anyway?"
}
} "...I...I don't think there's any hurry, do... do you?" Sam asks as his
} head is cradled in Lisa's arms.
}
} "Oh, *no* darling," Lisa murmurs, "I can go as slow as you want..."
}
} [snapping back to the task at hand] "...well, I don't know Sam.  Ziggy
} says that if you back up the Usenet by not answering, you could cause
} the whole thing to crash unexpectedly...and...whSam?  SAM?"
}
} "...mmph...mm!...mmph fmmph..." mppmh's Sam as Lisa's strong yet gentle
} hands slowly glide dow^G
} ^G
} %SYS-BACKLOG-ERR: System malfunction - insufficient storage space
} %SYS-OVERFLW-TXT: Remainder of text deleted
} %SYS-SBACKUP-TXT: Backup of text stored in
} ORACLE$[SYS.SCRATCH]SCRATCH.TXT; ^G
} ^G
} %SYS-SCRATCH-DEL: Insufficient storage - SCRATCH files deleted
}
} ready
} ?>


[479-08]
---7638c 3.3 greg-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How many whales could a humpback hump if a humpback could hump whales?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "How many whales could a humpback hump if a humpback could hump
} whales?"
}
} Since I've mellowed, and don't Zot all the supplicants who fail to
} grovel ( _you_, for example ), the punishment for most non-grovelers
} is that they get an inferior answer from a Priest instead of a
} superior answer from Me.
}
} I decided to answer this one myself in order to settle this question
} once and for all.
}
} First of all, there is not just one form of the WQ.
} One may enumerate:
}
} WQ1:
}       "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
}       could chuck wood?"
} WQ2:
}       "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
}       could chuck wood?"
} WQ3:
}       "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
}       would chuck wood?"
} WQ4:
}       "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
}       would chuck wood?"
}
} The GQ series can be equated with the WQ series, inasmuch as both
} "woodchuck" and "groundhog" are synonymous colloquial terms for the
} beast properly known as Marmota Monax, whose most famous
} representative is Punxsatawney Phil.
}
} The 4 forms of these queries differ in the use of "would", used in
} the first instance merely as a conditional modifier, and referring
} in the second case to the volition of the rodent, and "could",
} referring in both instances to the mammal's ability.
}
} WQ1 is fatuous and inane; it implies the inability
} of the creature to perform the task at hand, and then requests
} quantification of the stated impossibility. It is like asking
} "if pigs had wings, how many wings would they have".
}
} WQ2 is the poorest version; it asks the same question as WQ1, but
} lacks the poetically satisfying repetition of the word "could" or
} "would".
}
} WQ3 is the version that makes the most sense: "if it wanted to do
} so, how much would it be able to do?" Unfortunately, the terms of
} the question are vague -- "how much wood" cannot be answered without
} further information:
}
} a.    If you mean firewood, the answer must, by Pennsylvania state law,
}       be expressed in cords. Pennsylvania is the appropriate
}       jurisdiction because Punxsatawney is in that state.
}
} b.    If you mean lumber, the answer must be expressed in board-feet.
}
} c.    Timber is measured in tons.
}
} d.    Kindling is measured in bushels or faggots.
}
} e.    For veneer, square inches are used.
}
} f.    For baseball bats, ounces are preferred when referring to the
}       physical objects, but when "wood" is used metonymically, either
}       RBI's, slugging average, or number_of_feet_the_ball_traveled.
}
} g.    I shall not bore you by enumerating the special measures used
}       for toothpicks, balustrades, masts, keels, splinters, and the
}       like. Sufficient to say that the query "how much wood" is
}       meaningless without furher context.
}
} WQ4 is the most poetic form, and the most satisfying with regard to
} Poe's theory that poetry need not make sense if it touches you at an
} emotional level. None of the WQ4 questions make sense, and they
} certainly touch this reader, for one, at an emotional level; the
} Oracle is always irked by this question. Perhaps I shall *ZOT* you
} after all....     No, I have stifled the impulse. For the moment.
}
} Herein lies the major difference between GQ4 and WQ4: GQ4 lacks the
} poetry, and is therefore inferior.
}
} However, the GQ series has another attribute, one that the WQ series
} lacks: both "ground" and "hog" can be used either as verbs or as
} nouns.
}
} Nota bene, the NQ series also has this attribute; therefore, the
} variant
}
} >     "How much net could a network work if a network
} >     could work net?",
}
} which you cite as "nonsense", makes just as much sense as
}
}       "How many hogs could a groundhog ground if a groundhog
}       could ground hogs?".
}
} ( Although we have established that none of the questions makes
} sense in the larger sense, it is nonetheless true that they are
} syntactically "sensible", that they can be parsed and can be
} construed to have a meaning ( unlike your life )).
}
} It is clear, then, that a large number of questions may be
} constructed along similar lines; for example:
}
} EQ:
}       "How much work could a network net if a network
}       could net work?"
}
} In fact, for every word compounded of two other words, where one
} word is a noun and the other is a verb, and if both words can be
} used either as nouns or as verbs, 64 queries are  possible:
} AABBABBA[1-4], AABBABAB[1-4], BABAABBA[1-4], BABAABAB[1-4],
} AABAABBA[1-4], AABAABAB[1-4], BABBABBA[1-4], BABBABAB[1-4],
} AABBABAA[1-4], AABBABBB[1-4], BABAABAA[1-4], BABAABBB[1-4],
} AABAABAA[1-4], AABAABBB[1-4], BABBABAA[1-4], and BABBABBB[1-4].
}
} For example, BHQ1: "How much blood could a bloodhound hound if a
} bloodhound could hound blood?"
}
} In sum, both the NQ and GQ series of queries are merely subsets of a
} large collection of nonsensical queries following a strict format;
} and the format is important!
}
} Observance of the Oracular ritual IN ITS PROPER FORM is perhaps the
} only thing a pondscum such as you can do to justify your miserable
} existence. In your Query, you deviated from the ritual in two
} important ways:
}
} 1. You failed to grovel, and
}
} 2. Your Question was not in the format described above.
}
} Think of the opportunity you have lost!
} Your Question might have been either:
}
} A. ( royalty and pop ):
} How much Prince could the Prince of Wales wail
} if the Prince of Wales could wail Prince?
}
} or
} B. ( a wagering question ):
}
} How many hunches would a hunchback back
} if a hunchback would back hunches?
}
} Either one of those questions would have been _funny_.
} Do you know what _funny_ means?
}
} You owe the Oracle: your net worth. ( How much net is your net worth
} worth? )

[481-03]
---6a8a4 2.9 clhp19-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> #include <stdio.h>
> #include "grovel.h"
> #include "wdchuck.h"
>
> main()
> {
>   grovel();
>
>   if ( couldchuck( &woodchuck, wood ) )
>     printf("Result : %d\n", howmuch( &woodchuck, wood, chuck ) );
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} main()
} {
}       printf("<ZOT>\n");
}       return;
} }

[481-09]
---3ec72 2.8 clhp19-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, exalted one, most splendid of all known dieties, could'st thou
> lower thyself to answer this one, small question?
>
> How much ground chuck could I expect to get from a woodchuck?  I'm
> having guests over for dinner, and I need to know how of the little
> beasties to prepare.
> -Josh

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <thunder is heard from above>
}
} "If I get another dumb woodchuck could chuck, etc., question I think I
}  am going to upchuck!"
}
} However, I will grace you with this reply, partly because I would also
} like to see the demise of the damn woodchucks, and partly because I'm
} currently bored out of my etheral plane...
}
} After killing the darned things, skinning, and cleaning them, you can
} expect about 1/2 lb. of meat per average adult sized woodchuck, unless
} it is an abnormally large variety found in Topeka, Kansas.  The glowing
} variation are to be particulary avoided.  However, with skill and
} patience, you may be able to perfect the art of woodchuck killing (as I
} have) and yield slightly more.
}
} As for me, I usually go to the local Deities Convienience Store 24 and
} get woodchuck meat for $1.39 a pound.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Elmer Fudd's Guide to Small Animal
} Slaying.

[482-08]
---3259b 3.8 asbestos-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail] (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>      It began with a dame.  They all do.  She was like all the rest,
> with deep brown eyes and long hair to match.  She walked in to my
> office and sat in my only chair.  I sat on the desk as it creaked in
> protest.  "What can I do for ya?" I asked.
>
>      She looked at me like I was a side dish she hadn't ordered.  "They
> say you can find out anything, that you have a special source that
> nobody else can get to.  I need your help."
>
>      "Help like mine doesn't come cheap.  How much is my help worth
> you?"
>
>      She tossed a small bag on the table.  Inside was a box of
> Milk-Bones, Geraldo's left nostril, Dan Quayle's presidential material,
> and a Fredricks of Olympus catalog.  Perfect! I thought.  I can get the
> Big O's collectors off my back at last!
>
>      "All right, lady, ya got yourself a detective.  What do you want
> to know?"
>
>      Then she asked it.  Of all the questions I never wanted to hear
> again, of all the cases I wanted closed forever, she asked the big one.
> "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
> wood?"  She left me her phone number and walked out without another
> word.
>
>      Over the next week I walked through more slimey holes than you'd
> think they could fit in one city, but it was no use.  Either everyone
> in this town had gone stupid or someone out there didn't want me to
> know how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
> wood.
>
>      After a long nap and a longer drink, I decided it was no use.  I'd
> have to go to the Big O for the information. I hauled myself over to my
> file and pulled out the Grovel folder.  I found one I hadn't used
> before, and began typing.
>
> "Dear Oracle,
>
> "    You who are truly the greatest informant of all time.  It is you
> who told Nero how to hold the fiddle as the flames towered about him.
> It is you who told the wise men how to find Bethlahem.  Please answer
> the query of this unworthy supplicant, this worm unworthy to dream of
> licking your boots.  Please spare me your wrath as you see me unworthy
> question.  Please remember my account is currently in balance.
>
> "    I must know, 'How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
> could chuck wood?'
>
> "                             Signed,
>
> "                             Cal Club, Private Investigator"
>
> I sent off the letter and hoped an answer would arrive soon...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Our visitor is none other than Inspector LeStrade of the Yard."
}
} I sat up, thunderstruck, with one of those baffled looks which Holmes
} seemed to find so amusing. "Amazing! How do you know it is him?  Some
} sort of rhythm to his knocking?"
}
} "No," Holmes said, rising from his seat,"It's the fact that he is
} threatening to come back with a warrant if we don't answer the door.
} That tells me that he is a police officer.I know that he's LeStrade
} because he takes the trouble to reassure us that he is not a creditor.
} Only someone who knows us well would bother to point that out, and
} LeStrade knows us better than any other policeman I know. Elementary,
} really."
}
} "Extraordinary, Holmes!" I said, laying it on a bit thick, "Really
} quite brilliant!" I would have gone on at some length, but at this
} point the door fell in with a splintering crash (a most appropriate
} noise, for Inspector LeStrade (for indeed it was he without) had
} crashed the door to splinters.) LeStrade stormed into our presence. He
} appeared troubled.
}
} "See here, Holmes.  A bit of a situation has come up.  Frankly, all of
} us police officer types are absolutely baffled.  Furthermore, we freely
} admit that we are baffled and come to you, a civilian for help."
} LeStrade went on with his grovelling for a while. But in the meantime
} Holmes was whispering to me.
}
} "Make a note of this Watson. Events lately have seemed rather
} incredible. I am beginning to suspect that we are but characters in a
} story of some sort, and a rather contrived one at that." Holmes would
} have said more, but LeStrade was beginning to get around to his point.
}
} Apparently a certain Mr T----- had been taking his pet wallaby out for
} an evening stroll when a meteorite of some description had suddenly
} fall out of the sky at his feet.  He had been quite surprised to find
} that the meteorite was nothing other than a contused, burned human body
} which had seemingly fallen out of the sky.  He had set his wallaby to
} guard the corpse and himself to fetching the police.
}
} "Let us go to where the body lays at once!" Holmes cried.  Holmes may
} be good at detecting, but I'm the writer.  "Lies." I said.  I would
} have gone on to explain that one can "lay" a body down, but that the
} body itself "lies". But LeStrade misunderstood my remark.
}
} "So, you have seen through my tissue of falsehoods," LeStrade said.
} But it was not really LeStrade, as I discovered when the figure before
} us removed his LeStrade mask, revealing a glowing figure underneath.
}
} "Why, this can be none other than the UseNet Oracle in disguise,"Holmes
} said. "I'd know that longwinded, cliche-ridden manner of speech
} anywhere.Good show, Watson!  Do you realize you've managed to detect a
} disguised immortal being?"
}
} "Er," I said, and was prepared to go on in that vein for a while, but
} Holmes had other plans.
}
} "So tell me, Oh Oracle whose fleecy locks never need conditioner, whose
} nasal flange is stronger than granite, who leaks wisdom..." (Holmes was
} always a stickler for protocol) "...every last ever lovin' spoonful of
} goodness, why did you really come to us?"
}
} The Oracle struck a thoughtful pose, looked out the window with a
} guarded stare (or did he stare out the window with a guarded look?),
} and began: "Recently I had to kill a pulp detective.  He asked The
} Question which Must Not Be Asked Assuming You Want To Avoid Bloodshed.
} I see you are startled at my confession.  Do not be.  I, an immortal,
} feel no remorse at killing one of your puny kind.  Besides, as a native
} of Olympus, I have diplomatic immunity.  Anyhow, I'm worried about a
} friend of this guy coming along and hunting me down. Remember--he's a
} pulp detective; Spade and Archer set a precedent for this sort of
} thing.  You owe the Oracle a way out of this situation."
}
} "Are you sure he's the Oracle?" I asked Holmes, "He seems to refer to
} himself in the first person a lot."  Holmes ignored me.
}
} "I fear you are doomed.  I suppose it might be possible to hide from a
} pulp detective, but those detectives who are seeking revenge,
} especially revenge for a lost partner, are almost impossible to evade.
} And good hiding places are so hard to come by."  Holmes appeared
} baffled.
}
} "Well, at least I got Dan Quayle's presidential material. I could use a
} good laugh." The Oracle appeared at the brink of despair.  Holmes
} suddenly looked inspired.
}
} "Of course!  Quayle's presidential material is quite small and
} impossible to discern!  You need but hide within, and not even the most
} steadfast detective will ever find you!"
}
} "Gee, that's swell," Said the Oracle, who immediately disappeared from
} view.
}
} "Astonishing!" I exclaimed. "Marvellous, quite shrewd!"  I figured the
} case was pretty much closed, and was thus rather free with my
} adjectives. "Holmes, you've done it again.  Say, was that really the
} Oracle?  Who was that masked being, anyhow?"
}
} "It's always hard to judge identity when it comes to immortals, my dear
} Watson," he said, "but he left us Geraldo Rivera's left nostril."

[483-07]
---74e56 3.0 jonmon-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Most Wise and Knowing Oracle, please quench my curiosity:
>
> How much wood could a woodchuck get up, in the presence of an
> attractive female woodchuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: The Oracle's headquarters.  Sitting at many banks of computer
} terminals are the priesthood of the Oracle.  The Oracle Himself sits
} on a throne towards the back of the room, eating grapes peeled by Lisa.
} One of the priests gasps, wrings his hands, swallows slowly, then gets
} out of his chair and approaches the Oracle.
}
} Priest: Umm...oh, Great Oracle, whose wondrous visage is rightfully
} likened to a great and powerful dawn, that...
}
} Oracle: (interupting) Yes, loyal priest, what is it?
}
} Priest: Well, there's this problem, I mean a query, more like...
}
} Oracle: What is it? What is the question about?
}
} Priest: (very quietly) Umm...sir, the supplicant seeks information...
} that is to say the question deals...what I mean...well, woodchucks,
} sir.
}
} Oracle: (rising) WOODCHUCKS!?!?  Where?
}
} Priest points to the terminal which still displays:
} > How much wood could a woodchuck get up, in the presence of an
} > attractive female woodchuck?
}
} Oracle: Well, that's not so bad, at least not grounds for an automatic
} ZOT.
}
} Priest: It isn't?
}
} Oracle: No, I'll just go find out the answer myself. *POOF*
}
} Scene: The forest.  More specifically, the woods near the dwelling of
} Manassas Mike, the world's only talking woodchuck.  Mike is resting
} outside his hole.
}
} Oracle: (appearing in a *POOF*) Hello, Mike.  I was wondering if you
} could answer a question about...
}
} Mike: What? Not another woodchuck question!!  Haven't I suffered
} enough? Every day, is "How much wood" this and "How much wood" that,
} and I'm tired...
}
} Oracle: No, it's not that.
}
} Mike: Really. Okay, what's the question?
}
} Oracle: How much wood could a...
}
} Mike: NOOOO!!!
}
} Mike lunges at the Oracle, attempting to bite him several times, and
} yelling "Chuck _this_!"
}
} Oracle: Oh, hell. *ZOT*
}
} Oracle returns to headquarters, and calls the priest over.
}
} Oracle: Take a message and send it to the supplicant. Begin. Answer to
} your query unavailable.  Please do not ask again. Paragraph. You owe
} the Oracle a talking woodchuck that He can give to the town of
} Manassas. End message.
}
} Priest shuffles back to his terminal.  Oracle resumes eating grapes.

---73cb5 3.1 cep-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Mister Oracle,
>
> I just wanted you to know that as the current holder of the rights to
> the query "How much wood could a woodchuck ckuck, if a woodchuck could
> chuck wood," I felt that it was my duty to point out the fact that my
> question has been used quite frequently by your clients, without paying
> me one cent of the royalties that I am owed.
>
> Also, pending the outcome of the IBM/Apple lawsuit, the rights to the
> woodchuck question still cover the rights to similar questions under
> the "look and feel" rules (eg. "How much work could a network work,"
> etc.)
>
> I wish to also make it clear that I do not blame you in this matter,
> however I politely ask that you inform all future supplicants that this
> question is clearly NOT in the public domain.  Question piracy is a
> serious matter these days, and given the amount of time it takes to
> both create and beta test a question, you can imagine the agony of
> seeing your own question being illegally pirated in an Oracularity.  So
> common is this practice, that occasionally I will discover a pirated
> version in circulaion, before the original question has even been
> released.  It is no wonder that many of the most creative questioners
> alive today have become frustrated, and no longer write queries, except
> as a hobby.  To counter this latter practise, I have begun imbedding
> serial numbers within questions to help track the source of would be
> pirates.  But these precautions take time which would be better spent
> in other avenues, and are often not foolproof.  N00142a.
>
> As one of the dying breed of third party question writers still working
> today, I feel these issues must be addressed before we are forced out
> of business entirely, and all that remains are the giant "question
> houses" who exist merely to churn out new releases of the same old
> tired questions.
>
> Thank you for your time,
> Steven Pinkerton,
> Querilous Inquiry Company, "We put the quest in question"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!
}
} I'd be happier than you if we could get rid of these stupid woodchuck
} (and woodchuck-esque) questions.  If it were up to me, I'd <ZOT!> every
} single one that comes my way, but Kinzler says we have
} question-answering standards to uphold.  Now, thanks to you, there is
} legal grounds for barring them altogether.
}
} I'll make sure this message gets posted in the Oracularities so that
} everyone can see it.  After that, if anyone does try to use your
} question, I hope you sue them for everything they have (after I've
} gotten my Oracular Fee, of course).
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  As a matter of fact, the Oracle owes you
} a fruit basket as thanks.

[485-08]
---79aa2 2.8 buck-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great one whose greatness would overflow this humble
> one's ability to type, please tell me:
>
> Why do you hate woodchucks so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle does not *hate* woodchucks, per se.  We - that's the Royal
} We (tm) - simply have taken up the conservative religious right's
} slogan: Hate The Sin, Love The Sinner.  We LOVE woodchucks (the cute,
} fuzzy little burrowing marmots make great casseroles, er, pets) but we
} HATE chucking.  You see, "chucking" has long been considered a sin as
} can be seen in the following passage taken from a Oracular Prophet's
} incription on a restroom wall in an Uzbekistan brothel:
}
} |And Gzettuulmh did hide himself in darkness
} |And Gzettuulmh's wife, Humhl begain the wailing
} |And Gzettuulmh did contrive to begin the commencement
} |And he chucketh, wantonly, with wood taken for the sacrement
} |
} |Yea, and verily the supplicants did rend their garments
} |Yea, and the supplicants did rend each other's garments
} |Yea, and one hell of a party did ensue
} |And The Oracle was one pissed entity for not being invited
} |And spake thusly: "Henceforth, nary one in my grace
} |Shall never not be unseen having not chucked things wooden"
} |
} |And the supplicants were confused.
} |And the Oracularity Priests were formed from
} |The Waters, The Earth, and The Free Agent Draft
} |And they spread The Word in their written Oracularities
} |Of the evils of chucking.
}
} (...followed by 20 stanzas discussing the similar sins of men walking
} down roads until they can become men, and asking questions regarding
} the meaning of life and how freshmen geeks can get laid...)
}
} So, you see, gentle supplicant, that We would not want to <Z_T> others
} for chucking, but, gosh, We seem to have created woodchucks without the
} ability to read, and supplicants without the ability to comprehend
} simple instructions.  Ingnorance is no excuse for not reading the
} Oracularities and breaking the divine commandments.  We take pity on
} the sinner by exterminating the sin.  It just so happens that the cure
} tends to be a little bit fatal, but rest assured, the SOUL is SAVED.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.  In fact,  I'd just like to give you
} a little gift, a symbol of my appreciation for asking such a thoughful
} question.  Simply copy the data between the "begin" and "end"
} (inclusive) and run it through uudecode {if you aren't on UNIX, then
} you are DAMMED anyway} and read the new file called "gift".  Enjoy.
}
} begin 666 gift
} M6EI:6EH@(" @($]/3R @(" @5%145%0@(" @("$*(" @6B @(" @3R @($\@
} M(" @("!4(" @(" @("$*("!:(" @(" @3R @($\@(" @("!4(" @(" @("$*
} M(%H@(" @(" @3R @($\@(" @("!4"EI:6EI:(" @("!/3T\@(" @(" @5" @
} '(" @(" A"B @
}
} end
} [Be sure there's a single blank space on the line before the "end" -ed]

[489-10]
---4b514 2.6 jonmon-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I am both disturbed and frightened at the extreme increase in woodchuck
> questions and answers of late.  In the Oracularities, there were
> several questions involving woodchucks, and I have received several
> answers from you involving woodchucks that had nothing to do with them
> in the first place.
>
> I haven't been able to look at the word woodchuck after my accident, in
> which a boatload of live woodchucks was dumped on my head by a passing
> C-130.  The woodchucks were en route to Massachusetts, where they would
> be delivered to a cargo ship which would deliver them to Sweden for age
> control experiments.  I lost one of my eyes and my nose in that
> accident, and most of my left leg.
>
> As you can see, I am rather touchy on the subject of woodchucks, and I
> would appreciate a decrease in the subject of woodchucks, that I might
> get on with my life.  Thank you.
>                                       --Anonymous in Denver

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       PROTECT YOUR ORACLE ENTERTAINMENT INVESTMENT!
}
} Dear Valued Supplicant:
}
} Our records indicate that you have sent the Oracle a question
} containing the string "woodchuck."  This unfortunate occurance
} has generated this woodchuck form letter, now being woodchuckily
} sent to all woodchuckian inquirers to save both woodchuck time,
} money, and woodchucks.
}
} If you feel as we do, you know it is impossible to put a price on
} good answers.  Supplicants continue to enjoy Oracle answers long
} after the initial receipt -- a sound investment of time indeed!
}
} In order to protect YOUR Oracle entertainment investment, we
} urge you to refrain from writing wasteful woodchuck letters to
} the Oracle in the woodchuck future, because woodchuck questions
} are invariably time-consuming and boring, both for the Oracle and
} for all the woodchucks involved.  That way, we can continue to
} offer you the best answers the Oracle has to offer.
}
} The answer to your woodchuck question is one or more of the following:
}
} 1)  Yes.
}
} 2)  A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could
}     if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
}
} 3)  Woodchucks.
}
} 4)  It would (chuck) require 15 woodchucks.
}
} 5)  No.
}
} 6)  By folk entymology fr. Ojibwa otchig fisher, marten, or Cree
}     otcheck.
}
} 7)  Sprinkle bay leaves around on your countertop.
}
} 8)  On its ventral side, just below the head.
}
} 9)  Cookies.
}
} If the answer to your question is not contained in the above, please
} do NOT write again and ask the Oracle about it.  If you desperately
} seek an answer, consider using a substitute for the word "woodchuck"
} or, alternatively, seek professional help.
}
} We look forward to having you back in good standing as a supplicant.
}
}                                       Marmota Monax
}                                       Director,
}                                       Preferred Supplicant Division
}
} BE SURE TO INCLUDE YOUR SUPPLICANT IDENTIFICATION NUMBER
} ON  YOUR DONATION CHECKS OR MONEY ORDERS, AS WELL AS ON
} ALL CORRESPONDANCE WITH THE ORACLE.

--- 489-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I am both disturbed and frightened at the extreme increase in woodchuck
> questions and answers of late.  In the Oracularities, there were
> several questions involving woodchucks, and I have received several
> answers from you involving woodchucks that had nothing to do with them
> in the first place.
>
> I haven't been able to look at the word woodchuck after my accident, in
> which a boatload of live woodchucks was dumped on my head by a passing
> C-130.  The woodchucks were en route to Massachusetts, where they would
> be delivered to a cargo ship which would deliver them to Sweden for age
> control experiments.  I lost one of my eyes and my nose in that
> accident, and most of my left leg.
>
> As you can see, I am rather touchy on the subject of woodchucks, and I
> would appreciate a decrease in the subject of woodchucks, that I might
> get on with my life.  Thank you.
>                                       --Anonymous in Denver

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       PROTECT YOUR ORACLE ENTERTAINMENT INVESTMENT!
}
} Dear Valued Supplicant:
}
} Our records indicate that you have sent the Oracle a question
} containing the string "woodchuck."  This unfortunate occurance
} has generated this woodchuck form letter, now being woodchuckily
} sent to all woodchuckian inquirers to save both woodchuck time,
} money, and woodchucks.
}
} If you feel as we do, you know it is impossible to put a price on
} good answers.  Supplicants continue to enjoy Oracle answers long
} after the initial receipt -- a sound investment of time indeed!
}
} In order to protect YOUR Oracle entertainment investment, we
} urge you to refrain from writing wasteful woodchuck letters to
} the Oracle in the woodchuck future, because woodchuck questions
} are invariably time-consuming and boring, both for the Oracle and
} for all the woodchucks involved.  That way, we can continue to
} offer you the best answers the Oracle has to offer.
}
} The answer to your woodchuck question is one or more of the following:
}
} 1)  Yes.
}
} 2)  A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could
}     if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
}
} 3)  Woodchucks.
}
} 4)  It would (chuck) require 15 woodchucks.
}
} 5)  No.
}
} 6)  By folk entymology fr. Ojibwa otchig fisher, marten, or Cree
}     otcheck.
}
} 7)  Sprinkle bay leaves around on your countertop.
}
} 8)  On its ventral side, just below the head.
}
} 9)  Cookies.
}
} If the answer to your question is not contained in the above, please
} do NOT write again and ask the Oracle about it.  If you desperately
} seek an answer, consider using a substitute for the word "woodchuck"
} or, alternatively, seek professional help.
}
} We look forward to having you back in good standing as a supplicant.
}
}                                       Marmota Monax
}                                       Director,
}                                       Preferred Supplicant Division
}
} BE SURE TO INCLUDE YOUR SUPPLICANT IDENTIFICATION NUMBER
} ON  YOUR DONATION CHECKS OR MONEY ORDERS, AS WELL AS ON
} ALL CORRESPONDANCE WITH THE ORACLE.


--- 494-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail] (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hi there Oracle!  I don't<how>really need advice...I just want to
> <much>compliment you on the fine<wood>job you are doing, and your
> infinite patience<would> with us mere, lowly mortals.  In<a>your
> position, I know I would crack<woodchuck>under the pressure,
> surrounded with complete idiots as you are.  It's<chuck>amazing,
> the number of trivial<if>questions you choose to answer each day, all
> with such humor!  I wish I could help<a>lighten your load, but of
> course that's<woodchuck>only wishful thinking.  How<would>could a
> measly human<chuck> like myself help Your Greatness with such a task?
>
> Please, give my love to<chuck>Lisa...
>
> Humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has a new toy.
}
} It's a metamorphosis-gun.
}
} So, you like woodchucks, eh?
}
} <ZZZZAP!>
}
} My, you certainly make a cute lil' woodchuck, you know that?
}
} You owe the Oracle photos of your first copulation with a female
} woodchuck.