NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #26/NN_1992_26.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/d/473

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-09 | 42.7 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!noc.near.net!hri.com!ukma!gatech!rutgers!ub!galileo.cc.rochester.edu!troi.cc.rochester.edu!dsew
From: [e-mail] (David Sewell)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Canonical Woodchuck #1
Summary: how much wood....?
Keywords: groundhog woodchuck
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 9 Nov 92 17:44:40 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: University of Rochester - Rochester, New York
Lines: 1092
Nntp-Posting-Host: troi.cc.rochester.edu


[019-10]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is moot.
}
} The key phrase here is "IF a woodchuck...." Since woodchucks can't
} and never will be able to chuck wood (I have consulted my _Small and
} Furry Creatures Handbook_), this question is rhetorical and therefore
} needs no answer.
}
} I can however give you the answer to the question "How much wood could
} a Beaver chuck if a Beaver could chuck wood?"
}
} One day Wally came home from school early. "Wally!" shouted June Cleaver.
} "Whatever are you doing home early from school?"
}
} "Gee, mom," replied Wally. "Miss Landers caught the Beave chucking wood
} and sent me home to tell you to come and get him."
}
} "Well, Wally, why didn't Miss Landers just call me on the phone?"
}
} "Well, mom, she would have, but he chucked the telephone pole on the corner
} and there's no phone service for this whole block!"
}
} June went to pick up the Beaver, when Ward got home from work he gave
} him the customary talk, and Beaver went to bed after taking a bath to
} get rid of all the wood chips in his hair. "June," asked Ward when
} the kids were safely asleep, "just how much wood DID the Beaver
} chuck anyway?"
}
} "Well, dear, he chucked half the desks in Miss Landers' classroom,
} the bleachers at the high school, and a telephone pole before he ran
} out of steam."
}
} "That's our Beaver!"
}
} You owe the oracle one number 2 pencil.

[082-06]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How many chucks could a woodchuck chuck, if I were larger than Mt.
> Everest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So next time you buy a vowel
} and you're staring at Vanna
} don't you throw in the towel
} but rather sit bak and peal that ban ana.
}
} Just remember to form your answer as a quest tion
} or you won't win any money
} And we all know its so much fun
} to smear you crotch with honey.
}
} 4 score an d nine ban anas ago
} a would chucked Mt Ever rest into the sea
} And we should all know
} that he chuked a chuck total of three.
}
} So Happy Yule and Merry new year
} as Santa robs from the poor and gives to the rich
} Be free of pain, strife and fear
} A female dog is a bitch.

083-05
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How much wood could a wood chuck chuck,if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok.  That's it.  This is the last time I'm putting up with this stupid
} question.  I mean, EVERYONE asks this when they can't think of an
} intelligent, well-formed question for me to answer.  I'm pissed.
} Really.  I need a vacation.  I think I'll go to the Bahamas.  Yeah, the
} Bahamas.  That's where all the oracles hang out for New Years.  I hear
} the INTERNET oracle's gonna be staying at the Hilton.  I'll book a room
} there.
}
} <dial 1-809-4HILTON>
}
} <ring....  ring...  ring......  Hello, Bahamas Hilton, may I help you?>
}
} Yes.  I'd like to book a room for New Years week.
}
} <May I have your name please?>
}
} The USENET oracle.
}
} <OH!!!  Mr Oracle!!!!!  I have a message for you here!  Let's see......
} here we go....  "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck
} could chuck wood?">
}
} <click>

[094-02]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeYAH!  HWAH!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUH!
}
} The secret is the breathe deeply and think THROUGH the target, think
} BEYOND it.
}
} It is not, Grasshopper, what the woodchuck can carry:
}
} it is that it MUST.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few splints for my hand and an obscure aphorism.

[100-03]
---6a952 2.6-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> >> How much wood could a wombat chuck, if a womabt could chuck wood?
> >
> >} Omega password accepted.
> >}
> >} What would you like to change, O Lord?
>
> PARAMETER CHANGE 445871-NEC/78 EQUIVALENCE "Panty"
> SUBSTITUTE GLOBAL/FILE=*.DAT "Why?" "Harold"
>
> IMPLEMENT CHANGES AND SAVE DELETE ALL BACKUPS.
> DE-LOCK ACCESS CODES ALL EXCEPT OMEGA CLASS

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you touch the keyboard, sparks leap up and sear your fingers.  You
} scream and turn to flee the room, but the Giant Latvian Death Squid is
} already filling the doorway with its tentacles...

[117-04]
---24332 2.9-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>      What question are you asked most often?  What question are you
> asked least often?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} a) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck
} wood?
}
} b) What is the exchange rate of the Azerbaijani groat, expressed in
} Punjabi furbles?

[124-10]
---01384 3.9-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright look.  Do you have any idea how many times I have been asked
} that question?  Do you, foolish mortal though you may be, even begin to
} comprehend how annoying it is to have to continue to come up with
} original answers to that question?  I really don't think you deserve an
} answer, but I will at least help you find one.  I have included a short
} bibliography of some of the better literature on the subject.  Look it
} up yourself.  You think your parents put you through college just so you
} could ask dumb questions?  Wrong!
}
}                                 Chucking Bibliography
}
} Finklestein, Ernest "Chucking and Wood:  A Scholarly Approach"
} (Minneapolis:  Icy Winter Press, 1978).
}
} Schmidlapp, Marvin "The Woodchuck in Western Society:  1676-1980"
} (London:  Oxford Animal Press, 1983).
}
} Warringtoning, Edna "The Role of Feminism in Woodchuck Determination and
} Development:  The Comprehensive Picture" (New Dehli:  Holy Cow & Co.
} 1967).
}
} All of these books can most likely be found in the library of your
} nearest scholarly institute.  Maybe this'll teach you to ask dumb
} questions of the omnipotent oracle.
}
} You owe the oracle a 15-20 page term paper comparing the above three
} sources.


[126-10]
---32524 3.1-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> You've been working too hard, O-man.  Why don't you ask ME a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK....
}
} How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood
} (and really wanted to, as well).


[130-02]
---134a1 3.4-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> THIRTEEN YEARS OF WORK COMPLETED!!!!!!
>
> I have done it!!!  Hundreds of runs of computer simulations, countless
> sujects of study, measurements of strength, weight, observations in
> natural habitats, endless research, and it is finished!
>
> I knew that you would want to be the first to know so I'm telling you
> even before my results have been published.
>
> According to all my computer calculations:
>
>    THE AVERAGE WOODCHUCK, IF IT COULD CHUCK WOOD, WOULD CHUCK 48.4532
> POUNDS OF WOOD EACH DAY.
>
> What a release, to finally tell somebody.  Now you can tell everyone who
> ever asks you that question what the answer is.  My next project is more
> complicated.  I have to study the social behavior of woodchucks to see
> how they work together.  I want to find out how much wood two woodchucks
> would chuck if the two woodchucks could chuck wood.  If they have a
> strong sense of competition, they may together chuck more wood than two
> average woodchucks would alone.  If they don't like to do things in each
> others' presences, they may chuck less wood that two average woodchucks
> would alone, etc.  You see the importance of this, of course.  Well, off
> to work!  My duty to humanity calls.  I'll keep you posted.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I knew that!  I was just sick of telling everyone!  I mean, if all you
} had to do each day was tell people how much wood a woodchuck could chuck
} if a woodchuck could chuck wood, then you would get sick of it too.
} Since you put forth so much time and effort to come up with your OWN
} answer to this question, (and came remarkably close) I will tell you
} that if you continue your studies you will find that the amount of wood
} two woodchucks could chuck together if woodchucks could chuck wood is
} going to very depending on the sex of the woodchucks.  For two females
} (where !w = wood) the formula comes close to:  !w=2w/1.32 this is about
} 3/4 of what the result would be if doubled, allowing for the fact that
} females tend to gossip a bit.  For two males, on the other hand, the
} formula is more like !w=2w*1.32 this follows that males usually try to
} outdo each other to maintain their macho image, and attract the females
} by being better than each other.  For a male and a female the formula is
} more like:  !w=w-w*.32 or just a bit over half of what one woodchuck
} would normally produce.  This is due to the nature of woodchucks to have
} sex when paired up, with time out for some postcoital exhaustion, and
} foreplay.  Then they realize that they are running out of time and kick
} ass, but it just doesn't happen soon enough.  I do not want to do all of
} your research, so I will leave you to come up with the figures for queer
} woodchucks, drug using woodchucks, and senior-citizen woodchucks.  Have
} fun in the rat race.
}
} You owe the Oracle some wood chips for the trees in the temple.

[130-07]
---32860 2.9-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>    Oh mighty Oracle, whose greatness I am not worthy of thinking about,
> I have a problem.
>    My girlfriend lives in California, and I go to school in Connecticut.
> She is going to be in Washington DC next weekend, and I am considering
> going there to visit her, but I don't know what she is doing, or if she
> will have time to see me, and furthermore it will be a real hassle to
> get down there, especially when I'm going home for Spring Break two
> weeks later and I will certainly see her then, so I am in a quandary.
>    My question is thus:  How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a
> wood chuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not funny, boyo.  The Oracle is going to talk to Its powerful friends
} and have them do something about you.  How'd you like to be closer to
} your girlfriend?  Well, she has a next-door neighbor who's been a
} naughty girl and has sent the Oracle lots of stupid questions.  The
} Oracle's friends are quite capable of putting your self in her body, and
} vice versa...  okay, just bluffing...yes, it could happen, but it's too
} big a favor and the Oracle's friends would demand too much in return.
} Damn.
}
} Anyhow, a woodchuck could chuck about a cord and a half of seasoned
} (oregano and cayenne) firewood a day.

[132-04]
---00454 4.0-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  i am a woodchuck.  how i got hold of this terminal and account is of
> little consequence.  suffice to say it is easy for most wildlife to
> learn quickly about computers.  we simply nose up to the nearest plate
> glass window when a 'how to use computers' seminar is in progress.
> honestly, you humans are so silly.  we wild creatures do not fear
> machines like you do.  that is because we have been constantly
> threatened by them since the dawn of man, who by the way looks terrible
> without a decent coat of fur.
>
>  now, onto this degrading business about chucking wood.  we woodchucks
> do not chuck wood at all.  don't be ridiculous.  in the first place, we
> do not prefer the term woodchuck.  we normally use the french name
> 'objibwa'.  heaven forbid you people should ever distinguish species.
> how amusing to see you all crammed up against the glass in your bloated
> rv's saying 'look edward, there's a woodchuck', when you may be gawking
> at any one of a number of marmots of mountainous western north america.
>
>  the objiwa have, in the past, used small amounts of wood to form cheap
> and sturdy modular home units, which fetch a healthy price on the open
> market.  real estate is a tricky business however, and as of the last
> ten years, the objiwa have utilized their access to small amounts of
> wood to supply the electronics market.  take a good look at your stereo,
> see that wood panel on the front.  how about the case that holds your
> vhs tapes.  small amounts of wood are put into televisions, stereo
> speakers, you name it.  we have gotten quite rich and we are deeply
> insulted that you would think we would chuck this liquid asset as if we
> were stocking up on firewood.  don't piss us off or you'll be listening
> to your rock music through tissue paper.
>
>  j san objiwa
>  park ave penthouse
>  new york, new york 10011
>
> ps how many quayle make a dan quayle wail when a dan quayle wails on
> quayles
>
> there would be a question mark here if i had opposable thumbs.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dan Quayle wails when he falls off his chair,
}   He does that more or less everywhere.
} Now, how much wood could a wood-chuck chuck?
}   Tell me, then take a flying fuc^H^H^H I mean
}   Enough to fill a ten-tonne truck.

[140-08]
---41730 2.6-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I'm really fed up with all the brownnosing that goes on before asking
> you a question, such as "O Wise and Omniscient Oracle, whose ass I
> cannot kiss enough even if I could reach it on its lofty toilet bowl,
> whose armpits smell like roses to me, whose bullshit advice I am
> supposed to adhere to for the remainder of my lowly life..." This is
> absolutely disgusting, and it is all I can do to prevent myself from
> puking each time I read it.
>
> Oh yes, I'm supposed to ask you a question.  Well, how would you react
> if someone asked you a question like, this:
>
> > Yo Dipshit! Asswipe!
> > Yes, you, Oracle- tell me:
> >   How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
> >   wood?
>
> Signed,
>     I'm the NRA

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would break down in tears.  Each limpid teardrop would trickle into
} your vile, sodden heart, and thereby pickle that most unpleasant organ.

[170-02]
---21341 3.1-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is the inverse Laplace Transform of:
>
>             2 -15s    2
>          15s e     + s -3s+4
> F(s) =  ---------------------
>             3    2
>          17s - 7s +3s-2

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Without denying you the enlightenment of figuring it out for yourself, I
} will say this...
}
} The answer, in logs, is precisely as much as that fucking woodchuck
} could chuck.
}
} Go for it.

[201-03]
---15230 2.6-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
> could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This has got to be the one hundredth time I have answered this time-
} worn, moth eaten, idiotic question....
} Where's the substance?
} Where's the originality?
} Where's the obligatory flattery?
} WHERE'S JIMMY HOFFA, AND HOW IS HE DOING THESE DAYS???
}
} (pause)
}
} Oh , alright.... If you insist, the answer to the woodchuck's quandery
} is solved through this easy to use mathematical formula
} Where   Ws  is the size of the woodchuck
}         Wm  is the mass of the woodchuck
}         Wd  is the density of the wood
}         X1  is the official symbol for the secret ingredient in CocaCola
}         Wts is the size of the Woodchucks teeth
}         Wv  is the metabolic rate of the woodchuck
}         Woe is me
}         Wc  is the amount of wood chucked
}         Qi  is the intelligence Quotient of the Questioner
}
} wc = Wd     ---  _______________               ---
}      ___  * |   /  Wv-Wm          * .51 - Woe+Wc |
}      Wts    | \/   -----------                   |
}             |      Wts[*1(|Woe|)]                |
}             ---                                ---
}         _____________________________________________
}                                _______
}                          X1  \/ Qi
}
} Now... solve the equation, and you will have your answer. Obviously,
} since the answer will vary depending on the specifications of the
} woodchuck in question, you will have varying answers...
} Of course you COULD make it easier by using AVERAGE values....
} ie AVERAGE weight of the AVERAGE woodchuck.
} But that would take the fun out of it...  I think that you should
} dedicate your life's work to finding the answer for EVERY woodchuck,
} past present and future.
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "I'm really not sure who I am" By
} Heisenberg, and the live recording of "A Farewell to Arms", by the
} Amputees (TM).  Stay tuned NEXT week, Oracle fans when we disect the age
} old question of "How much monks could a chipmunk chip if a chip munk
} could chip munks?" And "Why doesn't Robin Leech do a show called
} _Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown_?"
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Hint for solving equation:
} Since Qi is always going to be less than zero, you will have to use
} imaginary numbers....  Of course, if you're going to do that you might
} as well use IMAGINARY woodchucks....

[202-09]
---12005 3.8-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How much woad...?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question.  Just let me tune up here ...
}
}       *pluck*
}                                       *strum*
}               *hmmmmm*
}
} Okay.
}
}
}       How much woad could a slowed toad load,
}         if a slowed toad could load woad?
}       How many shrimp could a limp whimp pimp,
}         if a limp whimp could pimp shrimp?
}       What great course could a Norse horse force,
}         if a Norse horse could force a course?
}       The answer my friend, is known only to the Woodchuck,
}       The answer is known only to the Woodchuck.
}
}       How many dimes could a lime mime slime
}         if a lime mime could slime dimes?
}       How much drool could a fool ghoul cool,
}         if a fool ghoul could cool drool?
}       What great mounds could a downed hound bound,
}         if a downed hound could bound mounds?
}       The answer my friend, is known only to the Woodchuck,
}       The answer is known only to the Woodchuck.
}
}
} Thank you, thank you.
}
}       Well if I were a Woodchuck,
}       I'd chuck it in the morning,
}       I'd chuck it in the evening ...

[204-02]
---11543 3.5-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hello Mr.  Oracle.  We here a Nerds University are holding a little
> contest to get extra credit in English class.
>
> We are sending you 6,000 copies of the same question to test
> scientifically the output level of your humor.  We are doing the same
> thing to Henry Cate III as a control variable.  Each reponse to our
> question will be graded on humor, style, content, and of course the
> bathing suit competition.
>
> Here is the question [drum roll]:
>
> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
>
> You have two days to consider your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, you mean Henry Cate III, the Xerox Original?
}
} He just recycles his humor over the net every year.  Didn't you know?
}
} Seriously, though, let's go over to the wood shop and take a look...
}
} Oracle: So, I see a lot of woodchucks around here.
}
} Guy in Safety Goggles: Yeah, that's Larry over there on the band saw.
}      You see Chet there over on the disk sander.  They're some of our
}      most productive craftsmen, too, let me tall ya.
}
} O: I'm very impressed.
}
} GiSG: Most people are.  They're good at using found objects in nature;
}      you know, driftwood, underbrush, and, of course, chestnuts for
}      stain.
}
} O: I guess you hear that "tongue-twister" joke question a lot, don't
}      you?
}
} GiSG: Oh, you mean about woodchucks chucking wood?  Heh.  Yeah.  But you
}      know, they really have a hard time just chucking things.  I'll say,
}      "hey, Carl, it's trash!  Get rid of it!"  But then he looks at it
}      and says: "Nooo, nooo...  I can do something with this...  Just
}      look at this shape and that texture.  I'm sure I can do something
}      with this."

[208-01]
---13221 2.9-----------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle (and all that jazz) ...
>
> Why do woodchuks chuck wood in the first place?
> I mean, what's their motivation ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Ah!  To know the motivational drives of the lowly Woodchuck one
} must become as one with himself and all of lifes varied existances.  If
} that is not possible then one must ask the Oracle.  Have you tried the
} first suggestion?  Do you know the limit of your true self, the odor
} that eminates from your naval?  The mucus that descends from your sinus
} taking most of your brain capacity with it only to be recycled again and
} again because you do not understand basic hygiene.  Do you not
} understand that by your very existance you exude gasses that contribute
} to global warming.
}         Small brained drooling cretin.  You live sucking in air and
} water that neither refreshes or purifys your soul, fouling the world I
} am forced to share with you, and now you want me to answer a mystery
} that is found only by existing as you will never even be capable of
} existing!  Yet I bound as I am by code of Oraclating must answer your
} sniveling request in a placid and proper manner that will not offend
} you, ( as though a pneumocranium of your caliber could be offended), and
} in as basic a manner as possible so you understand, (as if that were
} possible).
}
}         WHY DO WOODCHUCKS CHUCK?  They don't, they Neil and Bob.  A fine
} bit of subtle humor that, and i bet it went right over that pillow
} weight on the top of your neck.  Their motivation is vaporous, having to
} do with their diet.  But; It closly resembles the motivations you feel
} prior to guzzleing cheap suds and belching the Star Spangled Banner off
} key.
}
}         Go now, redeamed and enlightened by this wisdom and come to
} terms with that waste you call an existance.  Learn by what you have
} found here and send me a list of the spelling errors if you even noticed
} them.
}         You owe the Oracle a baudy babe and a case of Bud.

[325-01]
---05441 3.1 jonmon-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How many Chucks (TM) could a woodchuck wear if
> a woodchuck could wear chucks ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Hmm... let's see...two on each foreleg...one in the belly
} button... one in each nostril...hmmm....hmmmm....
}
} [The oracle does some rapid mental calculating]
}
} It comes to the grand total of...
}
} [Enter FBI]
}
} FBI:  FREEZE FBI!!
}
} Oracle: What the...?
}
} FBI:  Do not answer that question!  Chucks (tm) is owned and operated
}       out of Chucks Inc., and you are not allowed to realease
}       proprietary information!!
}
} Oracle: I was just trying to answ
}
} FBI:  SHUDDAP!  Hmm, what else do you have here?  AT&T UNIX source!
}
} Oracle: I was holding it for a friend...
}
} FBI:  You are going to have to come with us!  Move it!
}
} Now look want you have gotten me into.  You owe the oracle bail money.

[334-10]
---25181 3.1 porter-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O `grep ful /usr/dict/words` oracle, please tell me
>
> I'm not going to ask you "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a
> woodchuck could chuck wood" as you've answered this question far to
> many times already. However, other mysteries from the animal kingdom
> still puzzle me:
>
> How much beer would a bare bear bear if a bare bear could bear beer ?
>
> How many docks would a Doc duck duck if a Doc duck could duck docks ?
>
> How much booze would a loose moose lose if a loose moose could lose
> booze ?
>
> Impatiently awaiting your answer....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Impatiently????
}
} The Oracle does not approve of impatience.  Now hurry up and grovel.
} That's better.
}
} The Oracle also does not appreciate being called the following:
}
} fulcrum
} fulfill
} full
} fullback
} fully
} fulminate
} fulsome
}
} As well as many of the words that _end_ in 'ful'.  However...
}
} (a) 13 gallons
} (b)  2 per hour of rest
} (c) 13 gallons, if the bear brought it and the duck didn't spill it
}        by crashing into the dock.
}
} You owe the Oracle 13 gallons of beer.


[364-04]
---42492 3.1 cplma-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please, mighty Oracle, in your great wisdom enlighten me...
>
> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could Chuck
> Norris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, seeing as the woodchuck's wood-chucking ability
} would be heightened by the ability to chuck wood as Chuck Norris
} would be able to chuck wood, one would think that the wood would be
} more apt to be chucked by someone of such chucking stature.
} However, we know not if Chuck's woodchucking would be better than
} a woodchuck, and therefore we cannot conclude whether or not the
} new woodchuck's wood to be chucked would be chucked better than
} the average non-Chuck woodchuck who would chuck wood.  So, the
} answer is:
}
} If a woodchuck could Chuck Norris, it would kick butt, but probably
} not chuck any more wood than would a non-Chuck woodchuck.
}
} You owe the Oracle some wood to chuck.

[401-10]
---43b75 3.2 mzintl-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail] (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Master of the Millenial Koan-a-thon, whose very butt hairs are
> smooth and silky and which most of us would gladly shave our eyebrows
> to floss with, please help me out with this one.
>
> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had thumbs and a
> MacCulloch 21" chainsaw with self-oiling chain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask.  Allow me to share with you some recent
} correspondence received by an Oracular colleague on this very
} subject...
}
} -The Woodchuck Oracle has pondered your question deeply.  Your question
} -was:
} -
} -}Oh Woodchuck Oracle, who can hop from branch to branch without ever
} -}losing Oracular balance, who can eat more nuts in a single day than
} -}the average woodchuck puts away for a whole year, please answer my
} -}question:
} -}
} -}Down at Jeb's Woodchuck Lodge and Nut Grill, a couple of the boys have
} -}been talking about this new trend of "woodchuck" jokes that the humans
} -}have been passing around.  We find them all in mighty bad taste, and a
} -}few of us have been thinking about what we ought to be doing in
} -}response to these insults.
} -}
} -}Well, the boys got a little crazy last night.  They crossed the high-
} -}way on the other side of the forest and raided the local hardware
} -}store.  They've now got a few 21" chainsaws (they said they saw some
} -}movie about a Texas guy who used a chainsaw to get revenge) and
} -}they've figured out how to gas 'em up and mow stuff down with 'em.
} -}They're going to attack the university (where they say all these
} -}woodchuck jokes been coming from) and shut up some of those joke-
} -}tellers for good.
} -}
} -}Well, I'm a-thinking on whether I should join them or not.  I mean, I
} -}relish the thought of carving open the pencil-necks of these techno-
} -}geeks who've been getting all these cheap laughs at our expense, but I
} -}kind of wonder if there isn't some less violent way of getting them to
} -}cut out the nasty jokes without so much blood.
} -}
} -}Whaddya think, Oracle, should I go with them?  Is there any other way
} -}to get the job done?
}
} Alas, the reply to this question was not revealed to me by my respected
} colleague.  But considering the evil grin on his visage when he showed
} me this letter, I think we can both guess what his answer was.
}
} So your answer is, no wood at all.  But that doesn't mean those
} chainsaws aren't going to be chopping anything up...  Unless they catch
} a couple of pencils in your shirt pocket, but that doesn't count, does
} it?
}
} The Oracle waives payment this time -- just let me know when you plan
} again on going outside (heh heh).


[454-09]
---26e63 3.1 jhm-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail] ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>    "What is your name?"
>                              "The Usenet Oracle."
>    "What is your quest?"
>                              "I seek the Holy Grail."
>    "How much wood would a
>     woodchuck chuck if a
>     woodchuck would chuck
>     wood?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.    A woodchuck cannot chuck wood, as the question implies, because
} woodchucks don't own drills. A woodchuck can therefore only chuck
} wood in its dreams, where it can in fact chuck as much wood as it
} can imagine. Woodchucks don't have brains, so the answer is:
} a splinter.
}
} 2.    It is clear that a highly-motivated woodchuck could chuck more
} wood than an indifferent woodchuck. We cannot know how much wood is
} involved until we understand the motivation of the character.
} Read "An Actor Prepares", by Konstantin Stanislavski, and resubmit
} the question with a character study of Punxsatawney Phil.
}
} 3.    About as much ground as a groundhog could hog if a
} groundhog could hog ground.
}
} You owe the Oracle one full cord of seasoned hardwood, split and
} neatly stacked.

[455-04]
---19964 3.1 dsew-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: David Sewell <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> We shall refer to the null query "" as the `epsilon form', and the
> standard form of the woodchuck tongue-twister query (for example, "How
> much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood", and
> "How much work would a network work if a network could net work?"), as
> the `twist form'.  These are far and above the two most common
> individual query types. Formulate a theory relating the epsilon and
> twist forms.
>
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                    The Null-Epsilon-Twist-Chuck
}                     All-Purpose Bed Time Story
}
}       When I  ran  into  Chuck, our  systems  administrator, I  knew
} something was wrong.  It was  11 am, and he was in his office! I asked
} Chuck  if he knew anything about woodchucks.   He said he would attend
} the matter immediately, once he was done  with the network problem.  I
} said "D'oh!" in a manner  similar to Homer Simpson.  Chuck stared back
} at me  with an  expression that said "Well, sir, I know you would like
} to choke me to  death, but imagine the outcome --  no one to take care
} of  your petty network crashes or stupid core dumps.  You  see, I know
} the root password and no one else does.  So, I'd be careful, sir, if I
} were you."  I left his  office, careful not to  slam the door to hard,
} for  I  knew  he  would notice my  abrupt  mood swing.  "The hell with
} roots, leaves  and  trunks,"  I said to  myself.  "I'll find  wood and
} chuck  it myself!"  Of course I knew I wasn't kidding anyone.  For all
} the wood in the world wouldn't make  a single match,  if I didn't have
} chuck's help.   He  was  the root!   He was the originator of  all the
} network activity.  Even if I hit return on an empty line...
}
}       All of  a sudden  I saw  what  was  missing from the  picture!
} The  Null  query!  The empty  line!  The  blank  check!   "Oh God!"  I
} muttered, "I need Chuck right now!"  So  I hurried to Gina.  Gina, for
} God's sake!  The evil twin of Chuck!  But more compassionate  in other
} ways.  Chuck would never answer your letters,  while gina would  never
} let  one go unanswered.  Chuck would help you if he could,  while Gina
} would  love to attend your problems if you could  find her.  But I was
} lucky -- she was sitting  in her office.  The  look  of  terror in her
} eyes when she saw me at the door, were replaced by  tears, once I told
} her  about  our conversation  with Chuck.   "The damned martians," she
} whispered.  "They got him too. But  I ain't giving  up.   Are you with
} me?  Tell me great Oracle, are you?  Tell  me  you are  and we'll kick
} their lower portions!"  I was baffled!  The Martians, of all the races
} in the solar  system (or the  Universe, for that matter.)   "I have to
} think," I said.   Or  tried  to  say,  for  I realized I  could hardly
} breathe.  Nevertheless, I saw  the glitter in her eyes, long enough to
} realize that she was not only lying, but also pulling the plug on  me!
} I hurled  down the floor, just  in  time to  take her by the arms  and
} shake her.  One of her ears came loose!  My  god!  She was an android!
} I started running, but I heard her say "kill -9" I ducked and  luckily
} the signal went  past me, killing an innocent daemon.  I  said "renice
} 100"  before  she could say  anything --  I  used  to be  faster,  and
} promised myself to go back to training, if I survived this one.  To my
} surprise,  she  got hit.  She opened  her mouth very slowly, and for a
} moment, nothing  came  out of it.  Then, slowly words  began  to form:
} "k-k-k-k-k-k-k-  e-e-e-e-e-e  l-l-l-l-l  l-l-l-l-l  m-m-m-i-..   "   I
} grabbed the fire extinguisher from the  wall and  started spraying her
} mouth with  foam.  She went on trying for a little while,  and finally
} gave up.  "[1] + Done.  Gina " I said to myself.  Then I heard muffled
} voices  from  the printer room.  I  knew what I would find  there, but
} hurried anyway.   Not surprisingly,  the real Gina  was tied down to a
} stack of tapes.  "Don't worry, dear,"  I said "you are  saved."  And I
} meant  it -- I had  the TK50 in my pocket.  Needless to say, Chuck was
} in a similar condition, and  the "renice 100" trick  worked  nicely on
} him too.
}
}       On my way  out, the real Chuck stopped me.  "Mr.  Oracle! Sir!
} One  moment sir!"  he shouted after me.  I stopped and waited for him.
} "How did you do it, sir?" he said.  And I knew he wouldn't understand,
} so I simply said "The null query Chuck.  The twist and the null query!
} Just twist  the  null query,  and all you get is a woodchuck!"  He was
} baffled.  "Sir?"  he said, with the puzzled  look  you  usually see on
} the face of a new user after doing an "rm -rf *" Clearly he would  not
} understand.   But  I decided  to  try  a little  more.   "You  see, my
} confused friend, if there was such a thing as a unified  field theory,
} the heart  of it would consist  of a tongue twisting null query, which
} would  usually chuck wood, and work work.  But that's not possible, at
} least in this  particular  universe!"  I  saw hints of  understanding,
} signs weak but definitely there.  I was wrong for once  -- Chuck  knew
} what I was talking about.  His eyes shone with understanding. "So if I
} simply hit the return key on any blank line... " I  was  amazed!  "The
} null query!" I shouted.   He was moved to tears. "I'm glad we have you
} with us, Mr  Oracle, sir. I really  am."   he  said, holding  back the
} tears.  As I started  back  towards the door, I was feeling that I was
} in much better company than  I thought.  Life was sweet,  and Lisa was
} waitng home with a nice dinner for just the two  of us.   Ahh...  life
} was sweet indeed.   I waived goodbye to Chuck, who was joined by Gina.
} They both waved back, with tears in their eyes.

[460-05]
---102bm 4.5 ewhac-----------------------------------------
Selected-By: [e-mail] (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh might and great Oracle who can find pleasurable uses even for an IBM
> PC (old 4.77 mhz version) who's zit juice (where you to have zits that
> is) I am not worthy clean from you mirror answer me, you humble
> suplicant, this question.
>
> We are here at ****** Comics are planning on dedicating one of our
> upcomming issues of "Secret Origins" to you and we where wondering
> that, since you are eteranl and therefore don't realy have an origin,
> if you could tell us how you came to be in possesion of your mighty
> <ZOT!> power.
>
> Thank You,
>         Eds.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.  And the
} earth was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the
} land.  And the Lord said, "Let there be light!"  And there was
} light.  And the Lord saw the light, that it was good.  And it was
} evening, and it was morning, Day One.
}
} And it came to pass that man ate of the fruit of the tree of
} knowledge of good and evil.  And with this knowledge came curiosity,
} and many questions.
}
} And the Lord called upon the Oracle, to answer the questions of man.
} And the Oracle, exceedingly arrogant in those days, demanded of God,
} "What's in it for me?"  And the Lord said, "Let there be Lisa!"  And
} the Oracle saw Lisa, that she was very good.  And it was the
} beginning of a beautiful relationship.
}
} And it came to pass that the Lord became angry with man, and planned
} a great flood to wipe out every living thing.  But And Lord saw Noah,
} that he was righteous, and commanded him to build an Ark, and to take
} upon it of every animal two, a male and a female.
}
} And Noah asked of the Oracle,
}
} > God told me to build an Ark.  But he didn't tell me how.
} > Can you?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Make the length of the ark three hundred cubits, its breadth
} } fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits.
} }
} } And include a moon roof, AM/FM/cassette stereo, side-view
} } mirrors, anti-lock brakes, driver's side airbag, and
} } optional power windows and power locks.
} }
} } And make it all for $199 down, and $199/month.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a unicorn.
}
} And Noah built the Ark, as commanded, and paid the Oracle tribute of
} one unicorn, leaving him with one very lonely unicorn.
}
} And Noah begot Shem.  And Shem asked of the Oracle,
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} > chuck wood?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could
} } chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, silly.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a more interesting question.
}
} And Shem begot Arpachshad.  And Arpachshad asked of the Oracle,
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} > chuck wood?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } That question is unoriginal, insipid, and downright annoying.
} } Don't ever ask it again.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle an apology.
}
} And Arpachshad begot Shelah.  And Shelah asked of the Oracle,
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} > chuck wood?
}
} And Shelah begot Eber, and Eber asked of the Oracle how much wood a
} woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.  And Eber
} begot Joktan, and Joktan asked of woodchucks as well.  And Joktan
} begot Jobab, who, for a change of pace, asked when drive-in movies
} would be invented.
}
} And the questions about woodchucks continued for one hundred
} generations.  And the Oracle came before God, and said unto him,
} "Lord, I have promised to answer all of man's questions.  And I have
} provided good answers, ever since Cain asked me whether he was his
} brother's keeper.  And for one hundred generations now, I have
} answered man's incredibly annoying question about woodchucks.  If
} something isn't done about this, I'm going to do something drastic."
}
} And the Lord replied, "I will send my only begotten Son, to spread
} the word, to tell man not to ask the woodchuck question."  And God
} so loved the world that he did send his only begotten Son, in order
} that man may not ask the Oracle the woodchuck question.
}
} And Jesus spoke to the multitudes of loving God, and loving one's
} neighbor, but nary a word about woodchucks.
}
} And the Oracle observed, and was displeased.
}
} And Judas came to ask of the Oracle,
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} > chuck wood?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Judas, I was going to kill the next person that asked me that
} } question, but since I like you, I'm going to give you another
} } chance.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a certain favor...
}
} And thus it came to pass that Judas betrayed Jesus to the Romans.
} And on the cross, Jesus let out a cry,
}
} > Oracle, Oracle, why hast thou forsaken me?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
}
} For the Oracle had gone to Radio Shack for the parts to build
} himself a <ZOT!> gun.
}
} But the Lord intervened, and said to the Oracle, "Oracle, I release
} you from your obligation to answer man's questions.  It is not worth
} anyone getting <ZOT!>ted over."
}
} And the Oracle was pleased, and spent the better part of the next
} two millenia with Lisa, generally having a great time, and answering
} no questions about woodchucks.
}
} And it came to pass one day that the Pacers were playing the
} Celtics, and the Oracle went to Indiana to see the game.  However,
} the Oracle made a wrong turn, and the next thing he knew,
} supplicants were again lining up to ask questions of the Oracle.
}
} And the first supplicant's question was,
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} > chuck wood?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } <ZOT!>
}
} It was with the next supplicant that the tradition of grovelling
} began.
}
} You owe the Oracle the first issue of the "Cain's wife" edition of
} "Secret Origins."