Punctuation plays an important role in conveying BIFF's intended
message. As such, it would be unheard of to allow some foreign
character, such as a 1, to deface a block. BIFF takes great care in
assuring that his punctuation is correct. In fact it has been
speculated by some BIFFologists that this care for punctuation is what
leads to his lack of lowercase letters. Better to allow viewers eyes
to be mildly offended rather than risk being grossly misinterpreted.
>":)" { BEGIN NIW; printf(";-)!!! "); }
>":-)" { BEGIN NIW; printf(";-)!!!! "); }
In general smileys will not be seen in a posting by BIFF. The exact
reason for the departure from standard net wisdom is one of the longest
standing debates in classical BIFFology, perhaps as old as the smiley
itself. Some believe that BIFF considers it too trite for his personal
use. Others believe it is his desire to denote the precise degree of
emotion that prevent his use of a general smiley. Still others see it
as an outgrowth of his care against foreign characters in his
punctuation; a smiley can be a hideous blotch on an otherwise well
executed post, especially when placed improperly.
If humor is intended, and BIFF believes it to be too subtle for the
ordinary viewer, often he will append a "HA HA JUST KIDDING" to the
humorous phrase. While not as concise as a smiley, it does provide a
more easily controlled gauge of humor. Perhaps USENET would not have
its imminent demise predicted so often if more took this amount of care
in choosing their expressions of emotion.
>"fuck"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("FUCK !!!!!1 "); }
>"Fuck"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("FUCK !!!!!1 "); }
>"damn" { BEGIN INW; printf("FUCK!! "); }
><NIW>"hell"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("FUCK!! "); }
>"Damn" { BEGIN INW; printf("FUCK!! "); }
>"Shit" { BEGIN INW; printf("FUCK!! "); }
>"shit" { BEGIN INW; printf("FUCK!! "); }
><NIW>"Hell"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("FUCK!! "); }
><NIW>"dick"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("FUCK!! "); }
><NIW>"Dick"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("FUCK!! "); }
><NIW>"mad"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("PISSED 0FF!!!1! "); }
><NIW>"Mad"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("PISSED 0FF!!!1! "); }
One of the more distinguishing characteristics of a genuine BIFF post is its singular lack of offensive language. BIFF does not like to offend. In fact he can often be seen asking people if the would like to be his friend. No, vulgar displays of language go against BIFF's grain, and are thus intolerable.
There are those times, however, when even BIFF is driven to anger.
There are subjects to which BIFF is extremely sensitive, most notably
VIC-20s and his really smart big brother Brad. This is a weakness of
all humans, something which should not be held against him. In such
cases, BIFF does dabble in profanity, but will try to limit it to
something like "OH YEAH??? WELL YOU SUCK SO THERE!!!" While perhaps
not a perfect solution, it does provide for maximum demonstration while
keeping potential fallout to a minimum.
For purposes of your filter, perhaps it would be best if such language
were simply ignored. No doubt that is what BIFF does wqhen it appears
in what he reads, if at all possible.
>"to"/{NW} { BEGIN NIW; printf("2"); }
>"too"/{NW} { BEGIN NIW; printf("2"); }
It is perhaps another effect of BIFF's desire for perfect punctuation
that he never uses a 2 where a word is correct. However, this does not
mean that BIFF is a staunch supporter of correct spelling. BIFF will
almost always use a homonym of the to that he actually intends. It has
been speculated that this is a subtle poke at the spellchecking
extremeists that inhabit the net, as it obvious to all but the most
radical of these that BIFF is doing it deliberately. Still, he has
tripped up an unwary soul on more than one occasion.
>"and" { BEGIN INW; printf("&"); }
Ampersands are another nono, probably again due to BIFFs zealous
punctuation. This does not mean, however, that BIFF will adhere
stiffly to the tenets of standard spelling; when it is appropriate, a
nonstandard approach can be substituted. While the full rules that
govern appropriate spelling methods is beyond the scope of this paper,
one simple example is the phrase "ROK "N" ROLE". Note that even this
isn't an absolute. However, it is one of the more common usages.
>"biff" { BEGIN INW; printf("B1FFSTER!!!!!"); }
>"BIFF" { BEGIN INW; printf("B1FFSTERE!!!1!"); }
>"Biff" { BEGIN INW; printf("B1FFSTERE!!!1!"); }
BIFF is a down to earth sort. As such he prefers not to use any
pretentious monikers. While many others will address him as BIFFER,
BIFFSTER, BIFFMAN or BIFFMEISTER, he himself will generally introduce
himself with a simple "HI INSURT NAME HEER I"M BIFF!!!" and leave it at
that. One notable exception to the is the "nickname" signature, where
BIFF lists various nicknames he has acquired (been referred to by) over
the years. A copy follows:
THE RUSTY SNAIL
DA BIFFMEISTER <------THANKS BEN FEEN!!!
THE LEAD GLADIATOR
THE COBALT CONUNDRUM <---- MY BROTHER"S IDEA!!!!
THE MAHOGANY MONKEY
THE SCARLET POMEGRANATE
THE HOMONCULUS OF DEATH
THE NEON NINJA <--- COWABUNGA!!!
THE URANIUM CRANIUM <-----THANKZ BILLH!!!!!
THE GOLDEN FOGHORN
BIFF@BIT.NET THE IRON FISTED NEWS.GROUPS MODERATUR BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU
