If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
\#0
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
\#0
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
\#0
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
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Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
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I intend to live forever - so far, so good
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I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
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If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
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Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
\#0
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."\!Steven Wright
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.\!Steven Wright
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There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.\!Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.\!Steven Wright
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.\!Steven Wright
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.\!Steven Wright
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."\!Steven Wright
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I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.\!Steven Wright
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.\!Steven Wright
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.\!Steven Wright
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There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.\!Steven Wright
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I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.\!Steven Wright
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I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"\!Steven Wright
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I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."\!Steven Wright
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I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".\!Steven Wright
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."\!Steven Wright
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I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."\!Steven Wright
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I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.\!Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.\!Steven Wright
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.\!Steven Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.\!Steven Wright
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.\!Steven Wright
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...\!Steven Wright
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.\!Steven Wright
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I invented the cordless extension cord.\!Steven Wright
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."\!Steven Wright
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."\!Steven Wright
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Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."\!Steven Wright
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."\!Steven Wright
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I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!\!Steven Wright
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."\!Steven Wright
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"\!Steven Wright
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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."\!Steven Wright
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Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."\!Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.\!Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.\!Steven Wright
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Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.\!Steven Wright
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.\!Rod Schmidt
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.\!Rod Schmidt
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You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.\!Rod Schmidt
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How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?\!Rod Schmidt
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The sky already fell. Now what?\!Rod Schmidt
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.\!Rod Schmidt
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I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.\!Rod Schmidt
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If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?\!Rod Schmidt
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When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.\!Rod Schmidt
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If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?\!Rod Schmidt
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.\!Rod Schmidt
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Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"\!Rod Schmidt
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I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.\!Rod Schmidt
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.\!Rod Schmidt
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.\!Rod Schmidt
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I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.\!Jack Handey
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It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.\!Jack Handey
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The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.\!Jack Handey
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It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.\!Jack Handey
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Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.\!Jack Handey
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If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.\!Jack Handey
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He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.\!Jack Handey
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I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.\!Jack Handey
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The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?\!Jack Handey
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I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.\!Jack Handey
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If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.\!Jack Handey
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If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.\!Jack Handey
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Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.\!Jack Handey
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If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.\!Jack Handey
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I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.\!Jack Handey
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On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.\!Anon
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Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you.\!Anon
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All things being equal, you lose.\!Anon
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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.\!Anon
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Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?\!Anon
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die.\!Mel Brooks
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The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bereau].\!Anon
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Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)\!Anon
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Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.\!Anon
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Trust in God, but lock your car.\!Anon
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Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's.\!Anon
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If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.\!Anon
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To err is human. And stupid.\!Anon
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What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.\!Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.\!A. Whitney Brown
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There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone.\!Stroustrup
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Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again.\!F. P. Jones
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Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.\!Douglas Adams
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Life without you would be like a broken pencil. How's that? Completely pointless.\!Blackadder, Series II
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As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.\!Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
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Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.\!Ashleigh Brilliant
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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.\!Ashleigh Brilliant
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Her kisses left something to be desired... the rest of her.\!Anon
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God invented Women because he wanted a good laugh.
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My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
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Half of the people in the world are below average.
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Life in a vacuum sucks.
\#0
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
\#0
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
\#0
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
\#0
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
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Computers can never replace human stupidity
\#0
Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
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You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed
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You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever
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Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.\!Groucho Marx
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.\!Groucho Marx
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.\!Groucho Marx
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A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.\!Groucho Marx
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.\!Groucho Marx
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Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!\!Groucho Marx
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You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?\!Groucho Marx
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You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.\!Groucho Marx
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A man's only as old as the woman he feels.\!Groucho Marx
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Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?\!Groucho Marx
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Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.\!Groucho Marx
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.\!Groucho Marx
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.\!Groucho Marx
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.\!Groucho Marx
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There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.\!Groucho Marx
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I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.\!Groucho Marx
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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.\!Groucho Marx
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If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.\!Groucho Marx
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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.\!Groucho Marx
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I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.\!Groucho Marx
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.\!Groucho Marx
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.\!Groucho Marx
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Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.\!Groucho Marx
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omen should be obscene and not heard.\!Groucho Marx
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Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?\!Groucho Marx
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Time wounds all heels.\!Groucho Marx
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Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!\!Groucho Marx
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Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife.\!Groucho Marx
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As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.\!Groucho Marx
\#0
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.\!Groucho Marx
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Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!\!Groucho Marx
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I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.\!Groucho Marx
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Whatever it is, I'm against it.\!Groucho Marx
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A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.\!Groucho Marx
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.\!Groucho Marx
