{fb10000C0Customer:{fb1000000 I wish to register a complaint! 'Ello, Miss?
{fb1C00000Shopkeeper:{fb1000000 What d'you mean, 'Miss'!
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 Er, sorry, we're closed now
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not 'alf an hour ago from this very boutique.
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue; what's er, what's wrong with it?
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad, it's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 No, no, he's er, he's resting.
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Look matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 No, no, 'e's not dead, 'e's resting, yer know. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue in' it, eh? Beautiful plumage!
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 The plumage don't enter into it! 'E's stone dead!!
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 No, no, 'e's resting!
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 All right then if 'e's resting, I'll wake 'im up. 'Ello, Mr Polly Parrot! I got a nice fresh banana for you!
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 [hits cage] There, 'e moved!
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 No 'e didn't! You 'it the cage!
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 I never!
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Yes, you did!
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 I didn't!
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 'Ello Polly! Wakey wakey! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! [no movement] Now that's what I call a dead parrot!
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 'E's stunned.
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Stunned?
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 Yeah, you stunned 'im just as 'e was waking up. Norwegian Blues stun easily.
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Now look; do not play the slippery eel with me, that parrot is definitely deceased; and when I purchased it not half an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to its being tired and shagged out out after a long squawk.
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 Well 'e's er, 'e's probably pining for the fjords.
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Pining for the fjords? What kind of talk is that? and why did 'e fall flat on 'is back the moment I got 'im home?
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on 'is back. Remarkable bird, in' it eh, major, beautiful plumage!
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Look tosh, I took the liberty of examining that bird when I got 'im home. I discovered that the only reason it 'ad been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it 'ad been nailed there!
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 Oh, of course it was nailed there. Listen mush, if I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would 'ave muscled up to them bars, bent 'em apart with its little pecker, and - vroom!
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Vroom?
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 Vroom!
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Mate, this parrot wouldn't vroom if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 No, no, 'e's pining!
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 'E's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired! Gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff. Bereft of life 'e rests in peace. If you 'adn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies. 'E's hopped the twig! 'E's curled up his little tootsies! 'E's shuffled off this mortal coil! 'E's rung down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! 'E's fuckin' snuffed it!! Vis-à-vis the metabolic processes, 'e's 'ad 'is lot! All statements to the effect that this parrot is still a going concern are from now on innoperative! This is an ex-parrot!!!
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 Well, I'd better replace it then.
[exits back of shop]
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 You want to get anything done in this country you got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth...
[shopkeeper returns]
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Well, what's the news?
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 Well I 'ad a look round the back, and we're right out of parrots.
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 I see! I see! I get the picture.
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 I got a slug...
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Does it talk?
{fb1C00000S:{fb1000000 Er, yep.
{fb10000C0C:{fb1000000 Right, I'll 'ave that one then.
