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- From: dyson@ac.dal.ca
- Newsgroups: rec.humor
- Subject: Winnie The Pooh
- Message-ID: <1993Jan26.183948.10586@ac.dal.ca>
- Date: 26 Jan 93 18:39:48 -0400
- Organization: Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
- Lines: 162
-
- From: DAL1::GROVER "HER EYES WERE COLD AND HARSH, WHICH MADE THEM HARD T
- O CHEW" 5-FEB-1991 10:51:14.56
- To: GROVER
- CC:
- Subj: Re: A bedtime story
-
- Extracted-News: dal1 eunet.jokes:569
-
- In article <1991Jan29.151915.12000@warwick.ac.uk> mauqh@warwick.ac.uk (G) writes
- :
- >
- > POOH GOES APESHIT
- > By A.A. Milne
- >
- >
- >Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered to
- >each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree, there
- >lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a steady bang...bang...
- >bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on the sideboard. The light came
- >through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh raised the axe once more and
- >brought it down on the tattered remains of Christopher Robin. "Why...won't...
- >he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came down once more. There was
- >a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it, which Pooh had hidden with his
- >favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish prat that he was, didn't quite fit
- >in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead of making it wider he had decided to hack
- >Christopher Robin's legs off. "A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and
- >hummed a little song to himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest
- >of the body in the hole, finally covering it up with the rug. "Always too
- >bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me by the paw and
- >saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you are silly!' in that
- >affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid little shorts - bastard!"
- >
- >Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round, humming a
- >little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the fire and
- >fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally turned up,
- >squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open Up!", Pooh had
- >answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather, and then went
- >to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat there, prattling on
- >about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very little brain (which
- >wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high and brought it down
- >with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's skull, cleaving it virtually
- >in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces upright,
- >and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh, could do
- >such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his mouth
- >with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the blood,
- >washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.
- >
- >Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have his
- >tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired the
- >evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched him
- >get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.
- >
- >Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced his skull,
- >sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange hide. He rubbed
- >the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always licking. Then he
- >pulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The syringe lay on the
- >sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and sweating, and filled it
- >full of solution of the funny white powder that had been given to him by
- >a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh
- >thought he had seen many strange things, but then experienced a euphoric
- >feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything
- >that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh
- >dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave.
- >
- >"Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change around the
- >100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and went indoors.
- >
- >The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to see
- >if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them since
- >yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with Piglet
- >yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in the morning.
- >
- >When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was nowhere
- >to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and noticed a large
- >hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall with a large blob of
- >congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling had never been one of
- >Pooh's strong points). "That's odd", though Tigger, "there are no dragons
- >in the 100-acre wood only heffalumps. What _is_ that silly bear up to now?"
- >
- >Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment. That
- >morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather snotty nose.
- >So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a little while later
- >had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a container marked INSECTICIDE
- >in big red letters. He took the container and went to Eeyor's favourite
- >patch of thistles.
- >"This will serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud,
- >"always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said to himself.
- >Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyor eat himself to
- >death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body of
- >Eeyor in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet - "Shouldn't cheat should you?",
- >shouted Pooh as Eeyor's eyes stared with disbelief - "You're lucky I didn't
- >chop you up into little bits and feed you to Tigger!", laughed Pooh
- >manically, before he covered the makeshift grave over.
- >
- >Pooh didn't return to the house until dinner time as he was totally spaced out
- >all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an awful mood and
- >all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of Tigger and Roo
- >bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun,
- >fun, fun, the wonderful....". "'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My foot,
- >you'd think the writer of this shitty story could think up better lyrics for
- >a song than that, and to think, they released the soundtrack album on
- >cassette and CD; a lot of people are going to get ripped off." This lightened
- >Pooh's mood somewhat, but the respite was brief.
- >
- >"What was that you said?", asked Roo. "God does he never stop asking pathetic
- >questions?", Pooh thought furiously, "I'm going to have to deal with these prat
- s as well. Is there no-one in this place with intelligence apart from me?"
- >Pooh asked despairingly."
- >
- >Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon
- >sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that
- >himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea
- >formed in his overactive brain, and agreed - "What an opportunity", Pooh
- >whispered to himself as he followed the innocent Tigger to the bridge.
- >
- >Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under
- >way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's arse, rather
- >than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the
- >bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's wide horrific grin
- >as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of
- >pushing the stupid cat into the stream - "Cats hate water, tee hee, he'll
- >drown."
- >
- >There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle as his
- >head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding on to the
- >rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was joyously
- >shouting at the drowning Tigger.
- >
- >"Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the cold, whic
- h Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger?? How absolutely silly.
- >"I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right, hiding
- >behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people." But Tigger
- >did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already floating downstream face down in
- >the water, dead - "Good riddance", laughed Pooh, and looked at his watch,
- >"Still time to get that little dick head Roo before he wakes up."
- >
- >Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking out of
- >her pouch - "Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought, smiling, as he
- >threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly grateful for Piglet's
- >sewing lessons now, because he would be able to sew up Roo nice and tightly,
- >so he would not be able to get out and his mum would not be able to rescue
- >him. So very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew Roo into his pouch and
- >thereby suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After the deed was done Pooh
- >made his way back to his house wondering how Roo's mum would take the death
- >of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough uncontrollably and felt
- >general nausea overcome him.
- >
- >By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very desperate
- >for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked up the syringe
- >and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount, one might say,
- >for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh died of an overdose,
- >but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming that he was the only
- >teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he surprised Eeyor one day - but
- >that's a story for another day.
- >
- >
- > THE END
- >
- >=============================================================================
- >
- >
- >Written by an anonymous PUE working at IBM, Warwick, in 1987.
-