NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/alt/romance/16500

Internet Message Format | 1993-01-28 | 3.5 KB

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From: [e-mail] (Frantic Freddy)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Polyamory again (was Re: last night...)
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Date: 27 Jan 93 14:30:58 GMT
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[e-mail] (Robert L. Shuck) writes:

>I have a real problem.  I get depressed really easily and my girlfriend
>lives in a state 1000 miles away.  She says she is not sure that she
>can be "faithful" to me, and I am worried about her meeting another guy and
>him treating her badly.  The only way that I know for sure she is respected
>is if I am the only one.  I have been in love (deep!!!) for five years now.
>To lose her now because she doubts my pyschological strength would destroy
>me emotional, physically, and mentally.  I do not know if I would be able
>to survive without her.  She means everything to me.  I....need advice.

Dear Robert,

You seem to say that your main concern is not that she'd like to meet
another guy, but that he might treat her badly. Is that how you really
feel about it, or is him treating her badly maybe some subconscious
wish in an attempt to hide your fears about losing her? (ie. maybe you're
more afraid that things will go well between them than that things can
go wrong?)
I wouldn't worry so much about him mistreating her; she probably can
take care of herself and make the right decisions for herself.
And if I interpret your girlfriend's message right, she doesn't want
to lose you either. I get the impression that by telling you that she
is 'not sure that she can be "faithful"', she expresses her need
for physical contact (sex, if you like), which you simply can't offer
her at the moment because of the distance between the two of you.
The fact that she's honest to you at this point seems to imply that she
still loves you and doesn't want your relationship to end.
I don't know how you and your girlfriend think about the concept of
polyamory, but if you're both open to the idea, why don't you give her
some freedom in her decisions?
My advice is: Talk to her about your feelings and fears. Tell her
what you're worried about and why, and let her know how much you care.
Talk about all that you feel, think, fear, want, etc. and let her know
that she can freely talk about all her feelings as well, without
you getting mad at her for the way she thinks or the things she wants.
Never shut off the lines of communication; communication is the key
to any working relationship.
And if eventually she should decide to go out with that other guy,
no matter how that works out: just be there for her when she feels
the need to talk.

Here's one more thing I'd like to add: if she _does_ go out with that
guy, let her make sure she's honest to him as well, and that he knows
about her relationship with and her feelings for you. In this world
where monogamy is kind of a standard, people easily mix up sex and love.
Don't let him get the wrong ideas about what he can expect.

Throughout this post I have made the assumption that you are able
to cope with polyamory. It would facilitate things if you told us
how you feel about polyamory, and if you really think you could handle
it if your girlfriend went out with this other guy?

Freddy