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- Xref: sparky talk.bizarre:43632 rec.humor:37434
- Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.humor
- Path: sparky!uunet!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!news.acns.nwu.edu!nucsrl!ddsw1!gagme!gagme!pv
- From: pv@gagme.chi.il.us (Paul Vader)
- Subject: A Conservative's Finale
- Message-ID: <1993Jan5.172623.6985@gagme.chi.il.us>
- Followup-To: talk.bizarre
- Originator: pv@gagme
- Keywords: Part IV. Enough of this already.
- Lines: 215
- Sender: pv@gagme.chi.il.us (Paul Vader)
- Organization: Inline Software Creations
- Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 17:26:23 GMT
-
- PMRC ADVISORY: This article contains language and subject matter which may
- offend those without a life. A reality check is advised.
-
- Voiceover: "'Charles In Charge' will not be seen so that we may bring you
- this Special Report: Passing the Torch - The Clinton Inauguration
- [Cheezy music and graphic of an Olympic torch superimposed over
- George Bush's teary and somewhat dyspeptic face] Tom Brokaw and
- National Public Radio's Cokie Roberts reporting."
-
- [During the announcement, two off-mike voices can be heard very quietly in
- the background:]
-
- TB: "Larry King told me that during his interview, the producers flashed the
- word "loser" over George's face for 1/60 second."
-
- CR: "You'd be amazed what you can do with the mind of a half-awake radio
- listener at 6:00am. On November second we..." [Audio abruptly cuts off]
-
- [Scene shifts over to Tom and Cokie on the floor of the Presidential
- Ballroom. A section of the room opposite them is partitioned off with heavy
- black curtains.]
-
- TB: [looks somewhat sheepish] "Umm, Good afternoon. We're here at the White
- House to witness the inauguration the people's totally free,
- uninfluenced choice for the next President of the United States, Bill
- Clinton."
-
- CR: [Blushing] "We're all looking for President Elect Clinton's appearance
- with some anticipation. The inauguration ceremony has been, literally,
- shrouded in secrecy. Even President George Bush and his entourage
- [briefly pan to a section of seats near the stage where George Bush,
- Barbara Bush, Dan Quayle, and Marilyn Quayle sit fidgeting] seem to have
- no idea what is planned."
-
- TB: "Mr. Clinton's wife Hillary took charge of the planning some weeks ago,
- and... [Tom pauses and puts his hand over his ear for a second] I have
- just been told that the ceremony will begin in a moment. Our remote
- cameras should give the viewing audience an unimpeded view of the
- proceedings."
-
- CR: We wouldn't even think of cutting away or talking over the swearing in.
- That would be rude."
-
- [Cut to a perfect view of center stage. The curtain opens while Jimi
- Hendrix's arrangement of "The Star Spangled Banner" for screaming electric
- guitar plays. Hillary, still in the hooded black robe, stands at the left
- side of the stage. Twelve similarly dressed women holding candles are
- arranged around her. Bill Clinton is standing near the front of the stage to
- the right, at a podium with the Presidential seal. Al, Al Jr., Karenna,
- Kristin, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth "Tipper" Gore are behind him. Chelsea
- Clinton, wearing ripped jeans and a studded black leather jacket, is
- standing very close to Tipper, and repeatedly flicks a switchblade open and
- closed by her ear. "Me so Horny" is clearly audible through Chelsea's
- walkman headphones. Tipper appears ready to faint.]
-
- HC: "Sisters, we will begin."
-
- [Hillary moves to center stage, and the other women inscribe a large
- pentagram on the floor behind her. Once it is complete they put the candles
- on the floor at the points of the pentagram and start to walk in a slow
- circle around it, waving their hands over their heads at intervals.]
-
- HC: [CENSORED. The writer takes no responsibility for any property damage or
- eternal damnation resulting from the summoning of the Lord of Darkness.
- If you must know the text of this part, consult your local occult
- bookstore.] "...Owha Taboo Biam! Come forth, I implore thee!"
-
- [With a burst of sulfurous black smoke, Lucifer, impeccably dressed in an
- Armani suit, appears at the center of the pentagram. He steps right out of
- it.]
-
- L: "Excuse me ladies. Hillary! Babe! Great to see ya again. [They exchange
- "air" kisses]. Well, I suppose it's about time we get down to bidness [He
- turns to Bill]. William Beauregard Clinton, repeat after me:" [Bill
- places his hand on a thick black book bound in iron]
-
- L&BC: "I, Bill Clinton, do swear as President of the United States to raise
- taxes on the rich, give cushy jobs to every relative, special interest
- lobbyist, and political crony I can think off, defile every room of
- the White House with my depraved lovemaking, embrace and encourage
- alternative lifestyles far out of the American mainstream, roll over
- for any petty dictator that may come along, sell out the future of our
- children, and maintain a steady flow of addictive drugs into the
- country until they are available on every street corner. Nothing is
- forbidden, all is permissible. What thou wilt is the whole of the law.
- Oooh Mang."
-
- L: "Congratulations, Mr. President. [Pauses and looks around the room].
- Before I leave, I have a debt to collect on. Dan Quayle, you will come
- forward." [While he speaks a fiery pit forms in the center of the
- pentagram. Hillary and the other robed women put on Raybans and step well
- back from the edge. Dan goes up on stage, his legs making exaggerated
- movements as he walks]
-
- DQ: "It's not fair! This wasn't the deal at all! I never got to be
- President!"
-
- L: "That's not quite true, is it Dan? Remember when George Bush was having
- surgery? There you go."
-
- DQ: [Blubbers] "You know that isn't what I meant!"
-
- L: "What are you going to do, hire a lawyer? You burned that bridge quite
- nicely more than a year ago, and besides, they're all on my team anyway.
- Bwahahahaha! Down the pit with you! [Dan gives an excellent demonstration
- of the Doppler effect as he is thrown screaming into the void] Cheeky
- little bastard. Oh, and George! [instantly translocates so he is standing
- in front of George Bush] I just want to thank you for showing us
- democrats the way. Long life to you!" [hugs him]
-
- GB: "Wha I Well Ah Ner Thank you, I guess."
-
- L: "I'm outta here. Places to go, people to torture. You know how it is, huh
- George? [Lucifer elbows him in the ribs, then turns back towards Hillary]
- Bubeleh! Have your minions call my minions. We'll do Sabbat some time.
- Ciao!" [Lucifer disappears in a burst of flame. The entire front row get
- their eyebrows singed off.]
-
- MQ: [Loudly] "I was bored with the weasel anyway. Now are we going to
- celebrate, or do I have to drink you all under the table?"
-
- And so the four year party began. THE END.
-
- [Fade to black, Roll credits]
-
- C A S T
-
- Angry African Americans .......................... Rodney King, Mike Tyson
- Voice of James Baker ........................................ Frank Morgan
- Sen. Carol Moseley Braun (D. IL) .......................... Sister Souljah
- Tom Brokaw ....................................................... Himself
- Barbara Bush .................... Barbara Billingsley, before Nutri-System
- George Bush .................................................. Dana Carvey
- Bricklayer #1 ................................................ Stan Laurel
- Bricklayer #2 ............................................... Oliver Hardy
- Dana Carvey .................................................. George Bush
- Bill Clinton ...................................... The Pillsbury Doughboy
- Chelsea Clinton ........................................... Drew Barrymore
- Hillary Clinton ........................................ Rebecca De Mornay
- Decorator #1 .................................................. Don Knotts
- Decorator #2 ................................................. Mick Jagger
- Drug Czar ................................................... Cheech Marin
- Hector (W.O.O.) .............................................. Tommy Chong
- Lucifer, Lord of Darkness ................................ George Hamilton
- Millie ....................................................... Fred Basset
- Narrator ...................................................... Paul Vader
- Dan Quayle ....................... Robert Redford (Sort of, if you squint)
- Marilyn Quayle ................................................. Aeon Flux
- Cokie Roberts .................................................... Herself
- George's Secretary ......................................... Loni Anderson
- Secretary's Suitor ........................................ Lorie Anderson
- Clarence Thomas ............................................. Danny Glover
- Socks ....................................... Itchy, or was that Scratchy?
- Witches ..................................... Annie, Grendel, Jane Horvath,
- Amy S Kahn, Yong-Mi Kim,
- Catherine Roth, Morrisa Sherman,
- C. J. Silverio, Catherine Stanton,
- Ilana Stern, Tank Girl,
- St Theresa of the Net
-
-
- C R E D I T S
-
- Director ...................................................... Paul Vader
- Writer ........................................................ Paul Vader
- Assistant to Mr. Vader ................................... gagme.chi.il.us
- Distributor ..................................................... inews.nn
- Continuity *********************************** The Clinton Transition Team
- Typography ......................................... Message Composer [tm]
- Armourer .......................... Buddy's Shooting Range and Singles Bar
- Greatest sysadmin on the planet ............................... Greg Gulik
- Set Design ........................................................... {0}
- Makeup ..................................................... C L O U D I A
- Markup ............................................................... 10%
- Fuckup ................................................ big daddy hate box
- WareZ D00d ......>..>>.>>>.....>>.....>>...>.>.>.....>.>>.... BIFF@BIT.NET
- Dot abuse ................................................ alt.fan.warlord
-
-
- M U S I C
-
- "Cop Killer", Ice-T
- "Little Miss", The Spin Doctors
- "Legend In My Living Room", Annie Lennox
- "Suck My Kiss", Red Hot Chili Peppers
- "Guns In The Sky", INXS
- "Must be Crazy for Me", Melissa Etheridge
- "Love Is A Stranger", Eurythmics
-
- Soundtrack available from Slipped Disc Records
-
-
- A C K N O W L E D G E M E N T S
-
- "The Gore Family" appears courtesy of ILM, Animatronics Division
- Message Composer is a trademark of Inline Software Creations
-
- The writer would like to thank the talk.bizarre cabal, for
- corrupting his morals and generally being the coolest people on
- the net. Oh yeah, there is no cabal. Never mind.
-
- No animals were hurt, mistreated, or forced to proofread during
- the writing of these articles.
-
- Any resemblance to actual people living or dead is a figment of
- Patrick Buchanan and the far right's sick imaginations.
-
-
- A C o n s e r v a t i v e ' s L a s t D a y s
- November 1992 - January 1993
-
-
- --
- Paul Vader systems analyst, hell's cavenewt, rollerblader,
- pv@gagme.chi.il.us FOAF, smartass liberal democrat
-