NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #1/NN_1993_1.iso/spool/talk/bizarre/43527

Text File | 1993-01-05 | 7.6 KB | 163 lines

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Path: sparky!uunet!gatech!rpi!batcomputer!cornell!uw-beaver!newsfeed.rice.edu!rice!owlnet.rice.edu!caz
From: [e-mail] (HWRNMNBSOL)
Subject: Know Your Enemy
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Sender: [e-mail] (James Ulysses Cazamias)
Organization: Rice University
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 04:01:50 GMT
Lines: 152

I possess one notable non-redneck quality, and that is my devout and undying
hatred of all things equine.  I do not feel that this is random or spurious
prejudice; I have a justifiable and well-documented history of animus towards
horses and their kind.  In fact, I am quite certain that Eohippus' latter-day
cronies are the sworn enemies of all mankind, and will not rest until they
have trampled us all under their unkind hooves.  Here, then, is the story of
the vile Horse, and the doom he visits upon us as you read these very words....

                               - * -

Ages ago, when man was first beginning to make his presence felt upon the land,
the wisest of animals gathered together to discuss this encroachment.

Badger peered over the low grass and watched the humans raising their crude
sod huts in the river valley.  He shook his head and whistled softly.  "Oh
dear, oh dear," he muttered, "they have such very clever hands.  Very bad,
this."

Owl nodded sagely, and hooted twice.  "Too-whoo!  Not to mention their spears
and arrows!  Only yesterday I was almost skewered when I innocently tried to
bag a chicken.  So touchy, and territorial too, too-whoo!"

Fox scratched his ears.  "I found Rabbit caught in a snare of some kind of
shiny vine the other day.  The more he struggled, the tighter the noose
became.  These Men have a tricky streak to them, no question."

"And there are so many of them!" cried Chimpanzee.  "They must bear litters
of twenty young at a time, for they fill the valleys and plains, and keep
on coming, with no end in sight!"

"No question about it," proclaimed Raccoon.  "These humans will be trouble,
you mark my words.  Something will have to be done about them, and fast!"

"But what?" piped up Field Mouse.  And there was silence, for none of the
wise animals had an answer.

Suddenly, there was a crashing through the undergrowth, and mighty Horse
burst out in the midst of the circle of animals.  Some of the more timid
fled, for Horse's vile temper and evil cunning were known to the whole of
the animal kingdom.  However, Badger, small but brave, stood his ground and
confronted Horse, a contingent of his cronies cowering behind him.

"Now see here, Horse!" bellowed Badger.  "If you're here to cause trouble,
you might as well move on!  We're on to your tricksy ways, and we've a great
deal of work to do!  So be off with you!"

"Not so fast, earth-grubber," sneered Horse.  "I hear you have a problem
with these puny human-types, and I have just the solution for you."

Fox, wiliest of the animals, was suspicious.  "And why should you, Villain
of the Animals, wish to help us, oh Equine Menace?"

"Because I, too, have seen the peril we face if the humans are allowed to
spread unchecked across our beautiful lands.  I will act to prevent this
sad thing, that we might defeat the erect-walking monkeys.  Then my own
kind will have the chance to dominate all of creation -- but that is the
stuff of later conquests!"

The other animals conferred briefly.  "Very well, Horse," Badger grumbled.
"You will work with our blessing.  But if this is a betrayal...."  Horse
snorted his derision, and galloped down the hill toward the humans.

Man looked up and saw Horse bearing down upon him.  He was afraid, but not
greatly so, for he had his spear and club to protect him.  He readied his
weapons for the attack, and was astonished when Horse came up short and
walked toward Man, a friendly and open look on his face.

"You there, Horse, what are you up to?" growled Man suspiciously.  "None of
your tricks, now!"

"Tricks?  I?!  The most maligned beast in the Animal Kingdom am I, to be sure,
for I am greeted with mistrust and violence when I wish only to extend the
fondest of greetings, and tender the most valuable of gifts!"

"Eh?  What's that?"  Man was still suspicious, but this talk of 'gifts' had
piqued his interest.

"Why, Man, between the two of us we have all that it takes to conquer the
world!  If I share what I have with you, then you could become lord of all
you survey!  Think of it: Man, Emperor of the Known Universe!!"

This grand talk had Man thoroughly dazzled.  "I'm not quite sure I know what
you're talking about, Horse, but it sure sounds good!  Tell me more!"

"Okay.  Think of this: You and your family are hunting in a rich valley, but
winter comes early, and you are starving.  What do you do?"

"....Die?"

"Perhaps......another example: the only prey nearby is the swift Gazelle,
which you cannot catch with traps or spears.  How do you get your food?"

"....Horse, I am totally confused.  What on Earth are you talking about?"

"MOBILITY!!!  It's all about mobility, can't you see that?  If you could
travel farther, you could escape that frozen valley and hunt elsewhere!  If
you could move faster, you could catch Gazelle and feast hearty!  Mobility,
Man, is where it is at."

"Oh.  Yes.  I see that now, Horse -- very clever.  But what does that have
to do with you?"

"Aha!  Well, Man, *you* need mobility.  *I* have *got* mobility.  All we have
to do is team up, and you could be unstoppable!"

Man looked skeptical.  "You're going to give me your mobility?"

"In a sense, yes!  Here -- try getting up on my back."

"WHAT?!"

"No, really!  See, you ride on my back, and I gallop around, and then you'll
be moving as fast as I do!  Doesn't that sound great?  C'mon, just hop on up."

It took a great deal of convincing, but eventually Man climbed on up Horse's
back, and they galloped around awhile.  After a bit, Man began to enjoy himself
immensely.

"Wow!  Look, Horse -- I'm going five times faster than I have ever run!"

"I told you!  What a team we'll make!"

"Kind of uncomfortable on my groin, though...."

"Forget that!  Think of your future glory!  Today, Master of Horses; Tomorrow,
Master of the World!!"  And with that, the two galloped off into the sunset,
and the beginning of an entirely new chapter of history.

Millenia passed.  With his new edge of speed and endurance, Mankind spread
across the world like wildfire.  Thanks to the crutch of Horse and his kind,
huge civilizations and cultures were carved out of naked stone and plowed out
of barren sand.  Man moved forward in great leaps and bounds, with Horse doing
the actual Leaping and Bounding.  Man reached the apex of his power, and was
convinced that he had conquered the world.

But Man had paid a price for Horse's service.  The constant jogging and
bouncing in the saddle had slowly but surely weakened Man's groin, and each
generation lacked a little more virility than the last.  Even as man was
digging oil from the ground, and tippety-tapping away at the keyboards that
he placed so much stock in, Horse was slyly peering out from beneath the
saddle and gauging the progress of the Thing he had wrought.  Man was dying,
brought down by his own lust for power and his belief in the seditious words
of a black-hearted beast.

That's where we stand now, folks.  I predict that soewhere in the twenty-
second century, horses shall throw off the veil of stupidity and complacency
that masks their true cleverness and greed.  In a week-long Jihad, horsekind
shall displace Man as Earthly Masters, and put the few remaining tattered,
febrile shreds of humanity to the sword.  Then we shall pay the price for
our ignorance, gullibility, and lack of concern for proper groin maintenance.
--
HWRNMNBSOL